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Storythread: 'Columbian exchange'-edition. Welcome to our brothers from /lit/, who have apparently finally noticed we're here. We'll take your stories and shiny beads, but you can keep the smallpox.

This is a thread for creative writing of /tg/-related fiction (so epic campaign greentexts and other non-fiction go elsewhere). If you have /tg/ related stories to post, post them here, and hopefully some kind anon will give you feedback. Or at least acknowledge that someone did actually read it, which let's face it is what writefags really want.

What counts as /tg/-related? Anything someone could plausibly use in a campaign (which means basically anything if you have enough imagination).

If you don't have a story ready then I and other anons will be posting pictures throughout the thread for you to test your writing skills on. This is, more or less, a world-building and character-building exercise: two vital skills for playing roleplaying games. If you don't have any pics to post, you could try posting an idea for a setting or a character, and maybe someone will be willing to write a story using it.

Remember that writefags love to have feedback on their work. Writing takes a long time, especially stories that go over several posts, and it can be really depressing when no one even seems to read it (and the writer won't know you read it unless you leave a comment).

And since writing takes a long time remember to keep the thread bumped. Pics are good, feedback is better.

There is a discord for writers:
https://discord.gg/6AwKHGF

The previous thread can still be found in the archive here
>>78574589
if you have any comments about the stories posted there


Don't forget to check out past stories on our wiki page:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Storythread
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>>78824159
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>>78824191
>Look, I don't care that they're fantastic. If you don't keep wearing the tit restrainer 5000 I'll have to spank you again.
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Are there any good names for grave robbers besides "ghouls"?
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>>78829796
Resurrection Men, or Resurrectionists, were the traditional terms.

Overtakers or Unboxers if you want something tongue-in-cheek. Night Sexton (i.e. someone who works in a graveyard under cover of darkness) sounds cool to me. Vultures or coyotes or any other scavenger animal could work. It depends what the context is.
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Page ten bump with some weird isht I found
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>>78835074
It was bizarre seeing her like that. Like I had stepped through a portal and into some other world, some dark parody of what I once knew. It had been years since we'd last seen one another and I admit my memory of her may be idealized. In the private recesses of my mind she was a sweet girl next door. Smart, active, pretty. It seemed impossible that she could become the violent runner before me.

But she did.

She took jobs, engrained herself into the lifestyle and became one of the most capable private operatives in the cities underworld. Now we meet again. Not as an awkward boy and a pretty girl, but as a corporate suit and a wanted runner. She looks at me like a predator, like she'll rob me if she doesn't like the job I have to offer. It's a look I've gotten before. But there's something else there, just behind the violent sparkle in her eye.

Recognition? Nostalgia? That's a part of it, certainly. She knows me, but I don't think she knows from where. Had I hired her before? Had she run against the Corp I represent? That intelligence, that sharpness, she hadn't lost any of it. I could see it behind her eyes. She was running through all her contacts, all her jobs. Backwards through time; her mind raced to try and place the stiff corporate suit standing before her. She cast her memory further and further into the mists of the past until, at last...

...a look of revelation.
>>
>>78824183

“Did you have to do that?”
His eyes drifted away from the brightly coloured children’s book and back to the mage’s head that was resting on his lap.
She’d already closed the pages of her ow book,, a thick leather bound tome of spells she held to her chest, a long time ago.


“Eavesdropping again?” He asked.
“I was there in the Hanged Man, you know.”
“It was necessary.”
“That's exactly what you told Merrill.”
“So, you were eavesdropping then.”
She huffed and opened up her eyes to look at him and scowl. The lyrium marks on his skin prickled back in response, but after the past few days of adventuring with the band of the Hawke, he scarcely noticed it.

Maybe it was also the fact that after decapitating Danarius in the Hanged Man, the sight of angry frowning mages didn’t make him tremble anymore.

“Well it’s hard not to notice when you two are arguing everywhere in Kirkwall.” She responded.
“Point taken.” He murmured back.

“Do you think Hawke would’ve done the same?”
“Killing Variana?”
“I mean me.”
“No, your brother is a good man.” he answered, but he wasn’t sure if he could believe that anymore.


1/?
>>
>>78839569
Tensions between Templars and Mages were beginning to boil over back in Kirkwall, and Hawke had positioned himself as Meredith’s successor should she succumb in the inevitable clash.

At the same time, as Fenris had overheard from Aveline and Isabela, Bethany had grown nearer to First Enchanter Orsino within the circle and become his closest confidant and apprentice.

More so, neither had spoken to each other since Varric had arranged this expedition to the Warden’s prison.
They didn't talk as they journeyed deep into the Vimmark Mountains or even as they fought side by side against the ensuing darkspawn that were cramped everywhere within the derelict lairs.

It was something the others in the gang had picked up on now that the expedition had come to an end, but Fenris wondered if this would be the last time either would be fighting on the same side as the other.

Hawke had grown more ambitious and impatient since the Viscount's death several years ago; but would he really draw his own blade against his sister in the chaos?

His lyrium scars prickled again, and he could sense that the same thoughts were troubling Bethany. Even more startling, he felt thought those same thoughts troubling him too.


“I still can’t believe that dwarf published a children’s book.” Fenris remarked, trying to steer the subject away from Garrett Hawke's ensuing bloodlust.
No response.
“Bethany?”
He looked down again, and saw that her sewn shut eyes, heavy from the onslaught of studying chantry approved magic, revealed she’d fallen back into a slumber once more.

Perhaps his false reassurance was all she needed to slip away back into the comfort of sleep, or perhaps it was because she was able to do something he could never bring himself to do with any mage; trust him.

If that were the case, the least he could do then was to watch over her before the boat came along, as the last of the sun's embers fettered past them and onto the water of the Waking Sea behind.

2/2
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page 10
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>>78832375
>fusion reactor
>radioactive waste
Well now you're just being silly.
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>>78843791
>>78841624
They're dating.
>>78844182
The worst part is There's another five pages of items that I didn't post. It's insanity.
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>>78843791
Isn't that that fat robot flavor of the month a few years ago?
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>>78846535
No clue. It was just one of the images in my "Hot Chicks in Body Armor" folder. Enjoy another 'cuz we're slow as shit today
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God, I'm so horny
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>>78824159
why is this pic always used for these threads? I've been browsing this board on and off for a couple years but I must have missed something
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>>78849414
fucking based
can anyone do a story about her being raped by an orc?
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>>78849897
When I first starting doing these threads on a regular basis back in 2015 I would use a new image every week. Then I started thinking it might make the thread more noticeable if I used the same image every week. Blue diamond lady ended up as the thread mascot partly just because that just happened to be the last random opening pic I'd used, partly because I noticed that that image really stands out when you're scrolling through the catalogue.

I have thought about changing it to something more appropriate (pic related), but at this point she has the advantage of brand recognition.
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>>78850774
can you write a story about her being raped by a monster
>>
NSFW writing prompts:
1
>A witch or sorceress steals away a farm boy as her +1 for a witch’s sabbath.
2
>A female thief breaks into the wrong house, and gets stripped, spanked, and roughly sexed.
3
>A princess meets her arranged marriage husband for the first time on their wedding day. Romantic nervous sex follows
>>78851003
Chronicler isn’t depraved enough, and he has better taste than that.
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>>78851255
Dunno, Chronicler allegedly made one story where rape appeared.
At least according to some amon...
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>>78851003
No. That's not really my vibe.
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>>78838898
Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.

I know this suit. I totally fucking know him. He's...

...he's, umm...

...holy shit, he's that guy from the suburb. The cute and awkward one from next door. Fuck, he grew up square.

Square life, square attitude, square office, square shoulders, square jaw...

Wait, shit. No. Not... but... hmm...

The job is shit, but is that his fault? Is he the one that came up with it or is he just passing along the offer? Fuck. I've never really thought about it before. I should just rob him and go. He's humanizing the cogs, I can't afford to start seeing these corporate shills as people.

Then again, I'm pretty sure he recognizes me. Is he thinking the same thing I am? I mean, I know I'm a hot bitch. He'd have to be a total wet rag not to agree. Maybe if I just adjust my pants, show off a bit more thong...

Aha! I saw that. He's totally into me. Fuck. I shouldn't have done that. It's been a while since I've had something battery free between my legs. Shit. Fuck.

Fuck this. Fuck the job. Fuck his Corp. Fuck him.

...fuck him...

...I hope he likes wild, drug fueled sex with dangerous women. Because I've got a bottle of pills, a gun and a bad idea...
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>>78851425
>At least according to some amon...
According to everyone who read that story and wasn't autistic.
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>>78853934
Yep, definitely. You're right.
And Pollock's works were thinly disguised torture porn and Nazi wank.
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>>78853934
>>78854221
Over a year later and you're still missing the point.
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>>78854637
Don't mind me and my post. I wasn't serious, just stated it's a popular opinion among some. Just like the latter part.
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>>78854637
Dismissal of criticism as misunderstanding is facile and childish.

But that aside, you wrote a story about a woman who had the ability to refuse sex taken away from her. Irrespective of the quality of the story, or the point, that's rape, dude. At least have the balls to own it.
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>>78855291
That was a gynoid, not a living woman...
And most precisely, a sexbot.
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>>78855370
A sentient one, though.
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>>78855761
But I'm sure it still knew its purpose, so basically it (or if you prefer she) was really unable to refuse, as it/she was still that weeb's property.
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>>78855291
>>78855761
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>>78855848
Considering the fact some people don't really got this story, no wonder someone considers Polish a Nazi or women hater. They most probably haven't even bothered to read his works, and as far as I remember, Nazi Germans were villains, not protagonists.
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>>78855848
Ironic.

But no, meeting negative criticism with a belief that your art is actually wonderful and everyone who dislikes it just doesn't understand... well, it's not a good look. It's the main bad artist cliche for a reason.
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>>78855957
There's a difference between demanding that people like your work and disagreeing with others' interpretation of it. I don't care if you hate it, but your criticism of it shows that you clearly didn't read it carefully enough. It's like criticising Starship Troopers (the movie) for being a defence of fascism. Many movie critics did when it came out, because they either weren't paying attention when they watched it or just weren't all that bright. You can still say you don't like Starship Troopers because the special effects weren't very good or the acting was lacking, but disliking it for being a juvenile, jingoistic Nazi shitshow just means it went over your head.
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>>78856110
Not that anon, because I unironically agree.

Now, waiting for hate on me.
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>>78856156
I have no idea who you are agreeing with.

>>78856110
If I'd missed the point I'd be happy to admit failure.
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>>78856283
With Chronicler of course...
That's why I'm expecting tons of shit.
>>
>>78856283

For anyone a bit confused by this conversation, this is the piece we're talking about: https://1d4chan.org/images/a/a8/FutureShock.png

Okay, so when I posted it the haters read it as some sort of weeaboo manchild's sexual fantasy. It should have been obvious that it was the exact opposite of that just from a cursory read, but what really annoyed me was that the title 'Future Shock' basically stated the premise of the piece. Actually, what *really* annoyed me was that when I explained that 'future shock' is a term for the incompatibility of mankind basic instincts with emerging technology, the critics either just refused to accept it or acted like their ignorance was somehow my fault.

Anyway, the general point of the piece is that the future portrayed is toxic for both man and machine. It was *meant* to be uncomfortable to a certain point; you aren't meant to look at it and think 'well that looks like a great future'. The shittiness of the relationship is obvious from the android's point of view, but it should also be obvious that it's not doing her owner/boyfriend any good either. He's stuck as a weaboo manchild because technology has given him everything he wants without him having to get his shit together; instead of having to clean himself up to find a girlfriend he has the android there to love him and give him sex. You can even see that she's aware of it on some level: she's programmed to love him and yet she criticizes him for not getting his shit together, ergo, she realizes its not healthy for him.
>>
>>78857286
>>78856283

It's also an exploration of toxic human relationships. She isn't staying with him because she's programmed to obey him. She could walk out that door at any moment (this is stated explicitly:
>'my emotional circuitry might be hard-wired, but I was designed to have free will'
>'I can choose to walk out that door and never come back'
so what you said here >>78855291 about having her ability to refuse sex taken away from her is clearly wrong). She stays with him because she's been programmed to *love* him. I.e. when he bought her they calibrated her emotional settings so she feels about his particular mix of characteristics the same way a flesh and blood woman feels about men who look like Alexander Skarsgard. Her sentient mind has a choice but like any human she first has to override her emotional instincts, which apparently - like any human - she's having trouble doing.

It ends with her caving in and having sex with him, perpetuating the toxic cycle - she remains in a bad relationship he is enabled in his bad lifestyle once more. There's a sliver of hope that maybe this time he really means it, but the final line 'The future is full of amazing possibilities' is clearly mostly sarcasm (especially thinking back to the title)

So all that is surface level interpretation (or should be). Much of it is even stated explicitly in the text. But when I was writing it I was also hoping the reader would infer a deeper meaning in the concept of staying in a toxic relationship because you've been programmed to find a certain type of guy attractive. If the weaboo dude was instead a tall, well-groomed, well-muscled douchebag who lays around on the couch all day smoking weed, it would go from being science fiction to contemporary social commentary, because there are many, many women and men in real life in relationships with assholes because they push the right emotional and physical buttons.
>>
>>78857312
>>78856283

So really, the deeper point of the piece is that old sci-fi question: how different are we from the machines? Are we not also trapped by our pre-programmed instincts into toxic patterns of behaviour? Our instincts may have been programmed by millions of years of evolution rather than set in a factory, but at the end of the day we face the same problem she does. Staying in a terrible relationship because you're in love with someone is hardly unique to androids. Do we have free will, really?

Future shock is typically used as an argument against technological advancements, or at least a caution against going too far or too fast with them. But if our instincts and technology are incompatible, maybe it's the instincts - love, in this case - that need to go. Or you could go the other way and decide that this is just the price of love, and there's nothing fundamentally wrong with their relationship, and that we should be rooting for Rick to get his shit together because loving him makes her happy; hers might be a programmed happiness, but so is ours in a way. There are layers of interpretation and choices within them, and no choice is necessarily the right one; for all that I largely intended it as a technological horror story I didn't want the reader to be too complacent about it. Maybe we don't have the right to judge her for staying; she has free will, after all, so it's her choice.

That, at least, was my thought process when I was writing it. You have to remember, it was never meant to be more than a throwaway piece, something to bump the thread with - naturally it has some rough edges. I can forgive people for not delving into the really deep stuff, but thinking it was a fetish piece about a fat slob raping a gynoid shouldn't be possible for anyone reading it with their brain switched on.
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>>78838898
>>78853272
This is interesting. I was going to say for this one >>78838898 that it seemed like a good opening but didn't really fit the style of the story; it seemed more like the tone of a serious literary novel than cyberpunk. But I really felt the shift of tone in >>78853272.

>>78839569
>>78840011
This is okay but nothing about it really leaves an impression on me. The last few stories you've posted have given me the impression that you're writing just for the sake of getting something out than from inspiration, and while it's good to practice regularly - and we appreciate the contributions to the thread - it'd be nice if we could help you find your verve again. What about that pic made you decide to write for it? What did it make you feel? Is there anything else you've worked on recently that really inspired you?
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>>78859375
>tone shift
Each part was written during my morning business as a way of bumping the thread. With so little activity between the two posts I figured a shift to smut might foster more interest.

Ultimately I really enjoy the idea of a person being better or wholly different in memory than in reality. Scenes where characters come to realise their own tainted memories are particular favorites of mine.
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>>78861577
cool
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>>78861700
ye
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Slow threads these days.
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>>78857286
>>78857312
>>78857329
It really looks like those people who accused you of making a "gross raep fantasy" had (or still have) some sort of beef with you.
>>
"Are we really doing this?"

"After what that fucker did to Jesse, you bet your ass we're doing this."

Clint grinned at Phil's affirmation, it was just what he had always wanted to hear. The men turned to their pile of pilfered property. It was quite the haul; several weeks worth of untraceable theft had left their basement suite stuffed full of ill gotten goods. But it wasn't the televisions, video games, booze, drugs or cash the pair laid hands upon now.

It was the guns.

Clint slid shell after shell into a shotgun it's former owner hadn't locked up. "Not gonna lie, I've thought about doing something like this for a while. I mean, we've mostly just been stealing shit, maybe a little arson on the side, but, you know..."

"Oh I know. I've been tempted. But I never really thought I could do it." Phil slapped a mag into the pistol of a now imprisoned drug dealer. "But Vlad? It feels wrong not to put him down."

With sidearm, longarm, vest and mask the thieves had transitioned to vigilantes. Theirs was a friendship formed in childhood, tested by the rigors of highschool, pushed through a life of crime and now tempered in righteous murder.

"That sumbitch'll never know what hit him."

"Let's ride."

The pair moved to their shared washroom to begin the ritual.First came the markings upon the mirror. Animal fat and human blood. Then came the chanting in a dead tongue. Something not quite latin. Finally there came the darkness. Just a quick flick of the lights.

The markings were gone. Their reflections were gone. All that was left was a perfect mirror of their bathroom.

"Here we go." Phil climbed onto his bathroom counter and crawled through the mirror.

Clint struggled to mount the counter and make his way through the passage. "Fucks sake, we really gotta get a standing mirror."

The pair, armed and ready for murder, left their backwards suite. The world beyond was still and silent and reversed. A reflection of what was.

"Alright, which way to Vlads?"
>>
>>78844470
>There's another five pages of items that I didn't post. It's insanity.
post em or tell me where i can find em pls
>>
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>>78871817
I was wrong, it was five total, not five extra. Here's 2-5 for your viewing... pleasure?
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>>78872331
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>>78872348
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>>78872369
No idea where they originally came from. I originally saved them when I was working on a tabletop game that was designed to emulate schizophrenia, like TempleOS and the Timecube, but that fell through when I realized I was getting nutty IRL. Now I use it as a cheap and ready source of ideas whenever I have writers block.
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>>78872369
thanks, at least now i have something to entertain myself with for the next 20 mins
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You're giving feedback to the short shit now? I might as well link the slightly longer shit I wrote for the CYOA thread because you wouldn't give me any last time. Obviously it's wish fulfillment bullshit, a bunch of them are part 1 of two and the archive should link them.

>>78636194
>>78652849
Actually this one was kind of phoning it in v
>>78653636
>>78654399
This one was kind of phoning it in too v
>>78656404
>>78672391
>>
>>78878882
I forgot one.
>>78670929
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>>78878882
>>78878954
All these links are dead. What were you trying to post?
>>
>>78880822
Something something drama, something something read my shit, waah waah
>>
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They came to a halt as their atmospheric reader beeped in anger. "Alright, chlorine gas. Keep your masks glued to your ugly faces, seal the suits and use the sunscreen."

Kowalski did as he was told, along with the rest of team among disgruntled protests. They would have preferred walking an extra dozen klicks than trudging in an acidic chlorine cloud. They all double checked their rebreathers, tightened every sleeve and collar then pulled out a small tube from their packs. "High Density Skin Protection Gel" was stamped in bright orange on the front, but everyone called it Smurf Gel because of its blue color. Kowalski made sure to smear an abundant dose on his head and arms, and frowned as soon as the typical itch kicked in. He resisted the urge to scratch himself and stepped back in line.
"Can't we go around, Captain?" Carter was busy flinging pieces of the sludge off his fingers as he asked the question. "That shit could melt the chobham off a tank with enough time."
"Don't be so dramatic, Carter. Your gear is chemically treated and you're the most perfect little smurf this side of the jungle. You'll be fine, we are just passing through. We don't have time to 'go around'."
The Captain mocked him before issuing the march order. Reluctantly, Carter flung his pack back over his soldier and resumed walking.

The impossibly thick canopy overhead blocked any view of the sky; a boon considering it meant there was no risk of being spotted by an aerial patrol, but what little daylight was still lingering had trouble reaching the ground. Their flashlights stabbed the dusk while they navigated the dense vegetation. If they kept up the pace, they could reach the pirate base well into the night, and use that as an advantage to catch them by surprise. Not that it would be much darker, but hopefully most of the raiders would be asleep by that point.
>>
>>78883534
They almost missed the faint gleam in the distance, suffocated by the flashlights. Without a word each soldier fell into formation and spread out almost noiselessly. They killed their lights, and advanced towards the much stronger glow. Kowalski retrived a new magazine from his pouch before dropping the old one, peeling it open and breaking the seal. He gripped his gun tighter, and cursed the condensation now forming on his mask from his ragged breathing.
He certainly didn't expect the scene in front of him as he jumped into the clearing with a finger already on the trigger, and neither did the rest of the squad judging by their incredulous expressions.

The vegetation shone bright, bioluminescent as a result of the thick darkness this deep into the jungle. The light radiating from each plant had deep blue and purples hues due to the large amount of chlorine in the air. And their own skin, as blue as the surrounding flora, gleamed faintly as it reflected the glow. Kowalski stepped forward, raptured and unable to avert his gaze from the stunning view. His boots sunk into the soft phosphorescent moss which stretched endlessly in every direction—a pleasant sensation, almost like walking barefoot. He caught himself staring at Carter, who was busy prodding what looked like a gelatinous mushroom, when the captain's voice shook him out of his trance.
"Beautiful, isn't it? And just as lethal if you breathe it in. Come, it's better if we don't strain the filters more than necessary."
Kowalski shivered as he took it all in one last time. He was beginning to understand why they called this place Eden.
>>
Oof, that editing. Well, guess I deserve it for doing it on the tiny screen of my phone.
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>>78880822
I didn't realize not everyone used 4chanx, I'll repost later
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>>78882191
>Some random CYOA guy posting dead links
>"Something something drama"
Whaa?
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I'm trying to write a story about a dwarf female that hasn't married and is instead working the mines with the men instead of brewing with the women. What are some interesting things I can add to this? I kind of want to explore sexism in a dwarven community, but at the same time I don't want it to just be blatantly like a human story with the same themes? Does anyone have anything they could help or share to change this dynamic up a little bit?
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Have a bump fellas
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The original self prompt (those people usually just want wish fulfillment):
>Post the last thing you ate. You're getting a waifu with a superpower.
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78634690/#78636194

>waater
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78652849

>Cilantro Lime Rice, Candy Yams, and Salmon
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78653636
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78653894

>Cheese burst pizza. It's when they put a layer of cheese in the middle of the pizza. And it was a veggie lovers pizza
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78654399

>Veggie pasta with mirin-fried spinach and an olive oil+basil+mint+garlic+onion+hint of honey dressing
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78670056/#78670929
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78670056/#78671402

>Poptarts
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78656404
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78652376/#78656643

>Cioppino
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78670056/#78672391
https://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/78670056/#78672804
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>>78888562
That depends, how much of a faux pas is it? Is it like "ha ha what a tomboy" or "lol tranny"?
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>>78883534
If your intention was for me to see blue and purple, you did it.
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>>78896685
Well, I was thinking more "tomboy" and perhaps even claiming she's a lesbian and such, but in truth she was the only daughter to a miner and wanted to continue his tradition and works the mines in his honor. She's so obsessed with working the mines she doesn't have time to look for a husband or anything. All subject to change, but that's the idea so far.
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>>78899550
Then just have the male minors think she's cute in a way that's good and bad. She tries to get a job but they want her to do promos rather than the real dirty work. Whether she embraces it or tries to pivot to the real thing is up to you.
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>>78904463
*miners
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Hey Storythread frens, just wanted to let you know the flash fiction thread is open again on /lit/ if anyone wants to stop by.
>>>/lit/18128575

Thx for the callout, OP!
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>>78910071
It took many years of testing before Santa finally got the elf recipe just right...
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>>78912189
The early reindeer prototypes also needed work.
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Page 11 bump. I like you guys too much to let you die.
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Was hoping for some feedback, but have a bump. Write anons, write.
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>>78916424
I do write, anon, I do write. But I'm 30k words deep on my current project and my chutzpah levels are critically depleted. I'll review your thang in the morning.
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>>78915848
Throw some pocket sand at him and the fight is over.
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How do you people just write like this? It really bothers me that I used to like writing but got bullied out of it by parents and teachers as a child. Now I'm in my late 20s and trying to unfuck the various issues and it just feels like its too little too late.
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>>78919785
Don't worry. You can get bullied for your writing here as well...
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>>78919785
20s isn't too late, plenty of great writers started after that. Just got to write, show it to people, listen to feedback, and improve. It's tough, but you can do it, anon.
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>>78922268
But nobody said he's bound to succeed, just like the others...
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>>78921149
At least you aren't going to threaten to break my hands.


>>78922268
You're right its just difficult to get past the mental block and get started.
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>>78924468
>At least you aren't going to threaten to break my hands.
What the fuck?
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>>78924505
I had an alright childhood but man there were a few fucked up things every now and then.
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>>78883534
>>78883558
So this is decent, but not perfect. Some sentences are okay but a lot feel just a little off-balance; either the pacing is off or the phrasing just isn't quite right. For example:

>They came to a halt as their atmospheric reader beeped in anger
I think 'beeped angrily' works better.

>Kowalski did as he was told, along with the rest of team among disgruntled protests
Firstly, 'amidst' rather than 'among'. Secondly, it isn't balanced right.
>Kowalski and the rest of the team did as they were told, amidst disgruntled protests.
But even that sounds a bit too formal for the scene
>Kowalski and the rest of the team they did as they were told; not without some grumbling.
I'm not saying that the way I've rewritten it here is the "right" way of doing it, I'm just trying to illustrate what I mean when I say there subtle changes you could make to the phrasing and pacing of the sentence.

I'm not going to nitpick the whole thing. It's by no means terrible as it is, but I did notice the subtle flaws as I was reading it through.

>>78869732
This is okay, but there's not much substance to it. As an exercise, good work, as self-contained flash fiction a little empty.
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>>78824159
end this
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>>78919785
Most of the time, it's not easy for me. You just see the finished product, you don't see the ones I discard along the way; I've started many more stories than I've finished. Sometimes I only get a paragraph or two in, sometimes I write several hundred words before I give up.

Just write whatever's on your mind. It doesn't have to be good, and if it isn't good you don't have to show it to anyone else. Just break through that first hurdle and put some words on the page.
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bump
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>>78917535
God speed

>>78926143
Agree with everything you said. I can't help it but compulsively post without thorough fixing. This particular piece sat forgotten in a discord channel half-complete.

I do think "angrily" worked better, but I tried to avoid too many adverbs. Arguably not the right place to try that.
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>>78850774
Is there actually any story of that blue lady?
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>>78928822
>You know John what you get when you feed your cat raisins and spinach instead of lasagna? I'll tell you what... You get what you fucking deserve!
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>>78824159
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>>78933834
Thanks. I did get around to reading your story, but I didn't post any critique, cause Chronicler said pretty much everything I was going to. Most of it is minor niggles. Not bad by any stretch of the imagination, just unpolished.
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>>78934659
Tharn took a swig of the sweet Arcosan wine from the near empty bottle, carefully stepping down the winding stair of the Western tower billet, he carelessly stepped on the last few steps awkwardly and stumbled out onto the painted veranda and crashed against the painted half wall, the bottle shattering in his hand.

“Ugh, Arcosan Wine…” he grumbled plucking out the brittle glass from his calloused and cut palm.

With a groan Tharn picked himself up his back to the pillar of the colonnade on the veranda, croaking a curse in his mother tongue, Getae. Stumbling down the veranda he felt wind gently blow against him.

Looking out into the turquoise blue waters around the Island Fortress, he saw the sail of a venturing ship blow full mast as a gust of wind, echoed from the sea, but as soon as it reached the Island, it was hollowed of its strength and robbed of its potential by the precisely hewn walls of Arcosa, but it did not just dissipate it, the wind was guided…led through the columned hallways and portico of the covered verandas and into the dense clusters of rooms that filled the body of the grand and ancient sea fortress. The sound of adoration of the divine echoed through the halls as the solo bell was rung for the Five sacred names of Ouran the Ocean Master and God of the Oceans. Tharn did not care much for the Gods in the South, but at least it drowned out the cawing of the ever present seagulls.

He suddenly noticed someone sitting on the half-wall with their head down, Tharn squinted as he got closer until the black hair, and blue tabard told him who it was.

“She Wolf!” he called out in excitement, but she ignored him, utterly consumed by looking at a piece of old leathered cloth in her gloved hand.
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>>78948898
Closer he got to her the more he could hear her whisper to someone, he got to a few meters from her and stopped, she was still armoured like she was when they had escaped to the Port, her tabard was wrinkled and slid over her athletic thigh baring the sun tanned skin unusual for a northerner like her, a helmet was by her crossed legs, so was her carrier belt and short blade, but the sword, Foebiter, was bared well within reach.

Her gloved thumb rubbed over the words written in a strange curling script, Tharn got close enough to smell her, she smelt of thyme flower, a peculiar scent that was strong for those who had smelt it on the coasts and islands of Hybria.

“She-Wolf, its me!” he said as he closed in and saw what she was holding.

It was a map very specific and detailed and it looked like it went over most of the known world and beyond, a map that a mercenary and wanderer recognized immediately, Skin-Map, Navigators of the north would often tattoo specific maps and destinations on their person for some unknown tradition, he had heard of such things before, and the destinations were often always perilous.

Tharn got closer and gently put his hand on her shoulder, “She wolf…”

She did not budge and kept whispering in some strange language.

“Sigrun,” Tharn said her first name as gently as he could.

She slowly looked up and her glowing eyes began to emit visions to Tharn, he immediately backed away and balanced himself on a column.
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>>78948906
“By Drax!” Tharn cried out in fearful tone.
He looked away and looked back at Sigrun, but he saw something different, it wasn’t unusual.

It was a confused looking Sigrun tilting her head, “Do you always bother your god and your friends when you are drunk, Tharn? Can you not keep it to one?” the lilting tone of her feminine voice.

Tharn shook his head and rubbed his eyes, and looked again at the She-Wolf of Carantha, her face set with elegant cheeks and heart shaped face, a grim twitch of a smile still plagued the left of her full lips. No glowing eyes, just the same blue she always had.
“Tell me how you made your eyes glow!”

The She-Wolf sniggered, “Afraid of your own delusions are you Getean?”

Tharn growled, then he relaxed and began to laugh, “Hahahaha, my own delusions, good one,” he said mirthfully as he sat himself onto the half wall as well, ”the pipeweed from yesterday is still in my head.”

“Maybe, but the Arcosan wine is sweet and is said to not only stain the lips but also the mind,” the She-Wolf said mischievously.

Tharn smiled and waved his hand, he pointed at the map in her hand, “What is that for?”
She-Wolf smiled and looked down at the Skin-Map, it had belonged to her father Buri, before he passed in his final battle he had commanded that each of his sons and daughters take a piece of his flesh and venture out to the ports marked therein as their destinies were said to meet them there. Her keen eyes scanned it again lighting up with a faint glow, lines and words became visible, but only to her, for it activated only when the descendent of the Navigator could read it, such power was woven into the woad before tattooing.

“It is my guide,” She-Wolf looked up her eyes hiding a faint glow, “to my destiny.”
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>>78948898
This is a mess, chief. Even in the first lines. Rather, line; it's all one big sentence.
>Tharn took a swig of the sweet Arcosan wine from the near empty bottle, carefully stepping down the winding stair of the Western tower billet, he carelessly stepped on the last few steps awkwardly and stumbled out onto the painted veranda and crashed against the painted half wall, the bottle shattering in his hand.

So, did he carefully step, or did he carelessly step? And don't say he stepped on the steps. Painted veranda, painted half wall - come up with a different adjective, or don't use one at all. And you "and" a lot, mostly in service of keeping your sentence going. This needs work. Normally, I find rewriting patronizing (sorry if you feel the same way too), but I think an example might help.

>Tharn took a swig of sweet Arcosan wine from a nearly empty bottle, as he carelessly wound his way down the stairs of the Western tower billet. He was on the last few steps when he slipped. Drunkenly, his foot slid out from under him, and the awkward misstep sent him tumbling, crashing out onto the seaside veranda and into a painted half wall. The winebottle shattered in his hand.

I'm gonna pull a chronicler and say this is by no means the "right" way to write it, but you gotta break your sentences up more. For example, "Looking out into the turquoise blue waters[...]" - I was gonna post this whole line as an example of way too long, but I couldn't because it was WAY TOO LONG.
The only other thing I have to add is that I like the setting. Very Conan. Everything else needs major work, though.
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>>78948936
Like >>78949981 said. I'm really ass at corrections and critics, but I'll just say: you got the spirit, not the form. Your mistakes are "mechanical" in nature, practice and some brief research on writing will be plenty to improve the quality of your writing.
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Two clicks and a hum. The server chamber was in disarray. Another click. Several server towers, 17 feet tall, 9 feet wide, had fallen from their mounting brackets on the wall. The central core that they ran to, the housing for AI that had solely controlled the functions for this lone observation post, blinked fire red from countless alert lights flashing red. The lights for the entire compound were on reserve, casting a dim blue glow over everything in sight.

Anna stood in the doorway, peering into chamber. She wore her science officer uniform, although she had rolled her sleeves up and had hastily strapped a DuraPlate rig over her chest, minimally gearing up when the strike hit, grabbing the chest rig and a KFN9, a kinetic short barreled rifle, from the armory, despite her limited weapons training. Fresh out of the science academy, she had been stationed here to service Royce.

Royce, the bunker's AI, was knocked entirely offline from what she could only imagine was a kinetic barrage launched from low orbit by the Confederacy. Had they broken the truce? Even then, how did they know about this post? Was the planet, rich in resources, coming under occupation? It didn't matter now. It looked like as if one of the munitions had penetrated deep, scraping through the eastern wall, knocking over and destroying banks of server array and permanently disabling the system. She had to leave.

Despite the bunker being carved 600 feet into the crust of this planet, every room had felt the impact. Her ears still rang, her equilibrium still off kilter. Stevens, K'ull, and the other 6 had geared up and headed to the main sector to start evacuating; they had no guarantee of the integrity of the compound, and they were sure it could collapse in any moment. No doubt they would have to climb an emergency ladder-tunnel out.

As Anna reached the exit chamber, she heard a noise that froze her. Rapid. Echoing. A thud.

They were here now.
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>>78956564
Deer God.
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>>78868533

Man once looked to the moon with an intense, burning love for her, early man was given the slightly insane ambition to create grand works in honour of their lunar goddess, she was huge, hung in the sky, loved them and was the most beautiful, pure, holy thing alive, so much so that man had to invent that last one to describe her magnificence, and to them, she really was alive, with her.

Then, Men entered a phase, she was nothing, a rock, a dead thing, one of millions, nothing special, the old idols were idiotic superstition, the new described her coldly, mathematically, orbits and mineral content and atmospheres, and that everpresent compound of metal and glass, magnifying bird guts for 'learned' men to inspect and classify and identify, all this happened over the course of millenia, however, and the longing, to meet her, to embrace mankind's oldest lover, that still remained.

Further, measured in centuries, the men in the towers have changed dress, their robes have become white garbs, but their tools remain the same, they look up into the night sky and see something similar to a farmer seeing a large animal's carcass, professional respect, interest.

Today, they would send more men, similar to themselves, cloaked in rubber suits to penetrate her surface, take from her, and return.

Further now, measured in months, their failure is kept under wraps, and their champion is set forward, find the missing men, and return.

Further now, measured in hours, he travels towards her, in his small sealed boat, he's terrified, as all virgins are.

Further now, measure in minutes, the touchdown has happened, he takes the gun, which weeks before he thought comical, someone is here, he darts around, panicked.

Further now, measured in seconds, and her new face is revealed, her husband, Man, was slowly coming to her once more, she'd be scorned for so long, for so, so long....

Sorry if this was dogshit, new to the thread
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>>78824159
It's Mother's Day here, give me stories about mothers.
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This just kind of popped out before bed. Not sure where I'm going with it.

Karan hated working on space hulks.

The mass of ships had been cleared of Tyranids. Long so, now that they were working to split it apart for salvage. In their eternal wisdom, the Mechanicus had decided that one of the component ships was intact enough to separate from the hulk relatively intact and thus be returned to Imperial service. How they planned on mending it's broken spine without simply replacing the entire hull was a mystery to Karan. All it meant for her was yet another mind-numbing trip with a drained cog-axe and a mind to ask the Magos if she couldn't just be tossed back to the legio already.

Karan paused at the sensation of something creeping behind her- a concept that the Mechanicus would frown upon, but one that had served her well. Carefully, she turned her head and looked over her shoulder.

The creature- the thing that was looming behind her was not one of flesh and bone. Nor was it of steel or even the condensed miasma of the warp. It was a great twisted mass that existed purely in the digital. It's body was round orbs of visualized data storage, sustained and kept alive by hundreds of thin tendrils that raked out from it's form to parasitically mesh with the ship around it. Each core in turn formed the great green eye as it's heart, staring her down. It was almost like a medusae of Old Earth, gently pulsing and wriggling with a delicate, ethereal pulse.
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>>78970678
She froze at the sight of so mighty a construct. The spindly limbs of it's form filled the room with it's immensity, linking it together from every lumen sphere to the locks on the door, nothing was apart from it. Even her own cybernetics and equipment were enmeshed with the lines of data-light that bled and dripped from it's form. She shuddered as she felt it brush against her, hostile and vengeful. It moved with a sophistication and awareness that placed it beyond any mere spirit. This construct was ancient, and even reduced it was mightier than her- or, she suspected, any of the Mechanicus. It's mind was hot, overwhelmed with a muddy mix of anger, pain and regret that coiled around it's insides and sank deep into it's rotted core.

Any platitudes or greetings felt paltry in the face of such a creature, all that she could eventually bring herself to say was: "I'm so sorry."

The entity froze, like a child that had been caught out of bed. It pulsed and rippled, the eye in it's center dilating wider as unknown, disused parts of itself rose of it's visualizations of memory. Karan shivered as she felt the feedback of emotions ripple through her where it had been connected to her. Confusion became shock that froze her in kind, followed by shame and then grief that cut her to her core as the tendrils ripped out of her. The creature fled down the length of the corridor, shattering lumens and frying air ducts as it went, splitting into a dozen tendrils of data that raced their way down conduits and wires into the darkness.

"Wait!" She cried, stumbling forward. The pommel of her axe dragged on the floor, sparking and striking against the plating and then being tugged from her hands. Her legs quivered with sudden, immense exhaustion dragging Karan down to her knees, her hand outstretched in front of her. Something wet splattered against her forearms. She reached up and rubbed the tears dry, unsure of their source.
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>>78948898
>>78948906
>>78948936
I don't think I can add anything useful to what >>78949981 and >>78952206 have said. I'd particularly echo >>78952206's sentiment 'you got the spirit, not the form'. I really liked the tone of the piece but the style needs some polishing.

>>78958118
Good but short. I'd like to see more.

>>78958231
>ba-dum-tss
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>>78894120
Fuck off back to /cyoa/
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>>78975695
This person does not speak for us.
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Concord Initiative chapter 3 begins today. Another 100 pages, coming right up.
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>>78977567
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>>78977567
Fantastic. Love your work.
>>78970710
I think you nailed the Black Library style (what little I know about them, I've only ever read a bit of The Infinite and the Divine). Seems incomplete, though, like there should be a third post.
>>78965744
I've been working on a story about a Druidess attempting(?) to be a good mother for a good long while now, and it's almost complete. 9 new chapters. It'll probably be posted at the beginning of the next thread. In time for ACTUAL mother's day, euro. Oorah.
>>78961433
Far from dogshit. It reads a lot like >>78948906, but I like it. The more poetic style you're going for makes the long sentences almost work; although, the weird thing is, you're perfectly formatting it TO have periods, you're just not including them. Watch.

>Man once looked to the moon with an intense, burning love for her, early man was given the slightly insane ambition to create grand works in honour of their lunar goddess, she was huge, hung in the sky, loved them and was the most beautiful, pure, holy thing alive, so much so that man had to invent that last one to describe her magnificence, and to them, she really was alive, with her.

Becomes:

>Man once looked to the moon with an intense, burning love for her. Early man was given the slightly insane ambition to create grand works in honour of their lunar goddess; she was huge, hung in the sky, loved them and was the most beautiful, pure, holy thing alive, so much so that man had to invent that last one to describe her magnificence. And to them, she really was alive, with her.

If this is a style choice, then disregard mon tard. But if not, the latter version is more traditional "writing."
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>>78978949
>I think you nailed the Black Library style (what little I know about them, I've only ever read a bit of The Infinite and the Divine).
Says something about me that I really wasn't sure if that was a compliment or not at first. I've actually only started reading Black Library at all in the last two months, so that's just a bit of serendipity.

>Seems incomplete, though, like there should be a third post.
Probably be one where she runs into it again. There's a small question of how to write it in such a way that it would make sense for general consumption, as this sprung up out of some Homeworld/40k writing I was doing, hence why her name is Karan, and so that alters her perception of events in ways that wouldn't be obvious.
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>>78975783
I guess >>78975695 is the same guy who posted >>7888219, but I can be wrong
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>>78975783
>implying anyone will bother to read
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>>78983991
>implying anyone will bother to read anything posted here
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>>78978949
>In time for ACTUAL mother's day, euro. Oorah
rude, but I would like if you posted it....
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>>78824159
I've been stuck on starting the next chapter of my project because it opens on the characters just walking down a street and I can't figure out a way to make it interesting.
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>>78968468
>"Fellas, this here's my Dom Daddy. This leatherbound hunk likes to knock my junk around and step on it with big ol' biker boots. Sometimes he breaks out a whole mess of tools, but more often he just likes to use his hands to grab and slap and squeeze. He has personally remodeled my brown starfish to his own liking.
>The reason I bring this topic to your attention is that nothing this sex monster inflicts upon me on a daily basis comes close to fucking me as much as this eight dollar cup of coffee."
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>>78986687
Why are they walking down the street? Why aren't they at their (hopefully) exciting destination?
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>>78961433
How shall I put this? I don't think it worked, but I think it was a worthwhile experiment. The idea is good and the structure sort of works but I don't think the whole stream of consciousness thing really adds anything; it just comes off as incoherent.

>>78970678
>>78970710
I really like the concepts here, and the writing was okay. >>78978949 says you nailed the Black Library style, I say it's a little overwritten. You tried to cram just a bit too much grandiosity into your prose. I'd like to see what happens next, just dial back on sentences like
>She froze at the sight of so mighty a construct.
when
>She froze at the sight of such a powerful construct.
does just fine.
>>
>>78987282
That made me laugh so hard, thanks. I needed that.
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>>78988922
It's the middle of the story and I'd like a little space for the characters to get some dialogue together. I'm just trying to make it a little more interesting than a walk and talk.
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>>78990245
>You tried to cram just a bit too much grandiosity into your prose. I'd like to see what happens next, just dial back on sentences like
Yeah, I'd agree. It felt kind of forced when I was writing it, too. Normally my writing isn't as descriptive, either, but it felt inappropriate for an emotional scene to be in my usual dry style.
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>>78991101
We'll, if it's for characterization, then don't just have them walk; throw in something that shows their character. Have them meet in front of an art piece and talk about. Or, maybe have them sit in a restaurant and order foods. Or have have their walk take them to an interesting geographical/artificial feature in your world. Not knowing any specifics, it's hard to help you.
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>>78984051
To be fair it looks like everything else got read.
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>>78977567
It's looking great - I really need to make time to go back and read though the whole thing.

Props for effort too. It's what, three years since you started it?
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>>78994365
It will be three years in September, yup. And it’s just the beginning. I intend to get from 2 pages a week to 4 so this doesn’t kill me.
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>>78992974
I was thinking about having them get into a (attempted) mugging, but it seems a little cliche
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>>78949981
I see what you mean, sentences are strung along too long and confusing. Ill rework on it when I have time.
>The only other thing I have to add is that I like the setting. Very Conan. Everything else needs major work, though.
Haha of course it needs work, wrote it in like an hour but the conan thing is right on though, glad someone at least got that.

I am going read some more Howard and come back with more Tharn and the She-Wolf.
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>>78952206
I think I know how to write its just I have to find time to practice it well enough to have the structure naturally occur to me. I guess I gotta try harder.
>>
>Get invite to a D&D game, roman theme
>Get excited, write a backstory in prose for
>DM vanishes right after I make my sheet
What abject suffering

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bVxOqKTLCLGNbSoetLCrqp_Wq5rRrrb3pUHZ8slrsLo/edit?usp=sharing

If anyone cares to read it, you can direct me back to your piece. I'm not exactly a regular in here
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>>79002702
My man, it's much harder to fix boring, uninspired storytelling than bad form. If you can write a good story, but can't write good, then what you need is practice and some basic knowledge of formatting and form. Professional writers have editors to do the hard work for them, so don't lose your hopes when you're trudging through your work fixing mistakes, axing paragraphs and adding more lines. Every single writer must do it, and successful ones have help doing it.

You're on a good path, but it will be boring from time to time.
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>>79004220
A little advise, Google docs link are ignored here. I once posted my shit that way, and like nobody cared to read it.
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>>79008757
People don't have infinite time to read other people's writing and comment on it, and this place isn't exactly swarming with posters. Things get overlooked, it's understandable, you don't have to be bitter about it.
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>>79008757
I've never really encountered a particular prejudice about it. Some people prefer the anonymity of pastbin I guess, but you'd have to be an idiot to deny the function of commenting that G Drive has

>>79009099
Yeah most gets ignored, hence my comment about returning a read for a read
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>>79009099
How about when someone claim it's somehow my fault that nobody have read this because supposedly it hasn't grab one's attention?
How the hell was this supposed to get anyone's attention when anyone wasn't interested in taking a look on it?
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>>79008757
Feels like posting in the thread is always better for responses. Which I get, people are lazy, and making sure they can't not see your story is the easiest way to have readers.
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>>79009744
That only works for very short pieces

Mine is 2200 words
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>>79008076
>My man, it's much harder to fix boring, uninspired storytelling than bad form.
What?
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>>79002678
I can honestly say I look forward to it. The world needs more sword, and equivalent amounts of sorcery.
>>79004220
I have some minor problems. Something I noticed was that you tend to start sentences like you're trying to lead into a comparison, then you switch away from it. Ex:
>The city was noisy enough to explode
>With the sweltering sun high overhead, fat drunks surged from the taverns with their arms so entangled with each other it was impossible to tell whether they were fighting or laughing.
>The constant din of verbal flatulence poured in around him, oppressing his ears and crushing his soul, but not a lick of coolness.
Start in one, end in another.
Another thing; you tend to overstate your between-dialog action bits (There's probably a word for that, but me fail english.) Ex:
>“Perfect?” Leon asked, sliding his gaze over to his manager and fixing him with a glare.
Can be
>“Perfect?” Leon asked, fixing him with a glare.
And
>“Leon! What are you doing?” his manager demanded, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him back into his seat despite his resistance
Becomes
>“Leon! What are you doing?” his manager demanded, dragging him back by his shirt.
Then
>“My my my, this doesn’t look anything like my temple,” the goddess said, smiling as she glared down at him. She shifted her foot, dragging it down till her toes were digging into his cheek.
Turns into
>“My my my, this doesn’t look anything like my temple,” the goddess said, smirking down at him.. She dragged her foot down till her toes were digging into his cheek.
Makes the dialogue easier to parse. Also, I'm just now realizing, theres a lot of foot stuff in this. And gender bender. Did I enter your magical realm?
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>>79012755
Foot is not my magical realm no. Smug is. Foot is like the chip delivering the dip

Not sure I'm comprehending your reasoning though. Your first bit sees to just mean that you think some of my descriptive paragraphs meander away from the point, but I don't understand why you think the latter sentences are bad
>>
nighty night
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>>79015721
sleep tight, anon
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>>79013689
Not that anon, but being concise is a virtue. There's nothing wrong with being descriptive, but you have to straddle a fine line between holding the reader's attention and not boring them with overly descriptive sentences. That doesn't mean you have to just bluntly state the bare minimum, though. There's a certain art to being able to state things through implication.

Another way to think of it: in a story that's a thousand lines long, if each sentence has five extraneous words, you've effectively added five thousand words to your story. You might rightly ask what's the big deal, it's just a few extra pages, surely a reader can put up with that? Of course they probably will, but they will by reading faster and starting to ignore your prose, erasing details and turning the story into a blur. You don't want that.
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>>79018570
Would you mind reading the first page or so and giving an opinion on if I'm too bloated? I understand the principle of what you're saying, but it's another matter to determine just how much in violation I am.

I know I often find better ways to say things when I go back and edit, but it's certainly not every sentence, it's like one per paragraph if that. (if I don't outright redo the scene anyways)
>>
bump ala page 10
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>>79018784
Okay, giving it a read, this is what pops out at me:
>The city was noisy enough to explode. The festival had packed people into the city to the point of bursting. Bodies were spilling from windows and every elbow had a gut to push into.
I would agree that this sounds a little overly stilted. These sentences feel like they should be naturally flowing into each other, but instead you hit full stop, almost like you're too afraid of having a run-on sentence. Now, a quick and dirty fix would be to inject some commas and some connecting tissue so each sentence leads more clearly to the next.
>The city was noisy enough to explode, with the festival packing people into the city to the point of bursting. Bodies were spilling from windows and every elbow had a gut to push into.
But that doesn't necessarily fix the underlying problem. Ideally, you want to avoid directly stating what things are like, that's how you avoid lines like 'the destruction was a great and terrible sight to behold'. Instead, you're better off depicting the consequences of these actions.
>The noise of the crowd rang off of the stone building, festival goers hanging out of windows and jostling their elbows for space.
Now, that may not be how you would write it, and that's okay. The point is to shift the perspective of the action and link relevant event together. By depicting them as actions, you no longer have to tell me the logical consequence. Describing festival goers jostling for space means you no longer have to tell me that the city is packed- because they wouldn't be jostling for space if there was room, right?
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>>79022697
Something that contributes to your writing feeling a bit bloated is related to what anon was pointing out, you tend to state things that can be left implied. For example, this:
>“Leon! What are you doing?” his manager demanded, grabbing him by the shirt and dragging him back into his seat despite his resistance.
'Dragging' implies some form of resistance, and so specifying that he is resisting is somewhat redundant as the reader will naturally leap to that conclusion from the wording. In this specific instance, that's not too bad, but in this instance:
>Leon sighed, sinking down and resting his elbows on his knees. “Stop the carriage! Let me off!” he shouted.
It contributes to a feeling of whiplash. In my mind, Leon has just been dragged down, but now you're specifying that he's 'sinking' down, lending to an air of defeat. In instances like this, you can make silence work for YOU by letting readers do some of the heavy lifting.

>“Leon! What are you doing?” his manager demanded, dragging him down by his shirt. “I swear if you kill yourself to get out of this then I will hunt you down through the underworld!”
>“I’m not going to off myself!” Leon said, swatting his friend’s hands away. “But didn’t you hear that?”
>“Hear what?” the singer glanced between them.
>“Stop the carriage! Let me off!” Leon shouted.
Is how I would tighten this passage up a little. Details like the singer asking the question can be inferred by the association of her action with the dialogue, Leon sinking into his seat is superfluous detail if he's jumping out a second later, his manager using his hand to grab something isn't relevant unless you've established he wouldn't normally do that. Little bits and pieces here and there that you can leave, giving you more space to focus on important details.
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>>79022697
>>79022706
I guess I will have to take another look at this stuff then. I'm not sure how much editing effort I can justify giving it, since the game died, but I want to try and figure out why I thought the description of the city was quite good at setting Leon up, yet both of you are saying it's stilted
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>>79023785
>both of you are saying it's stilted
I'm neither of them, and though I don't have much to add to what they said I also thought it didn't flow.
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>>79023943
No need to dog pile, anon

None of you even noted anything good about the story
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>>79023785
It can be both, really. It does do a good job at setting up who Leon is and what happens to him, but it just flows a little roughly. No real worry, though, just take lessons learned and apply them to the next one, although I'll be the first to admit I don't make many major edits to my own writing.

>>79024142
In my defense, you did ask my opinion on specifically whether it was bloated or not. That said-

Leon being a level of asshole that seems implausible actually does a lot to set the tone. Most people in real life would either grin and bear the performance for the money or bitch to their manager in private. That Leon goes on this rant about her flaws and then charging through a crowd based on just a voice and considers diving into the ocean gives it an exaggerated quality that help sells a 'mythical' feeling to it.

The comedic beat of his manager introducing a man who ran away the second he set him down is genuinely funny, and if you wanted to expand that bit, his reaction could say a lot about their relationship.

The writing stops there, but genderbender is hot and I fully approve of this premise.
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>>79024389
Yes it is, damn shame the DM left me high and dry and I can't quest to find the elusive waifu to break the curse, dealing with the misguided punishment because Leon is fully aware that a good singing voice is a skill you develop and that's precisely why he shits all over mediocre singers. It's not some genetic blessing which is why even after becoming a clone of the girl, he still can't sing for shit and can still play his lute like a maestro

Unfortunately, I've gotta tend to work for the next few hours
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>>79024142
>No need to dog pile, anon
I disagree, and I didn't post that to dog-pile.

One of the things about writing is that it's inherently subjective, and a sentence not working for one person might be preference. With two people it's more likely that the writing is off, throwing in a third opinion more so. Feedback is statistical - more datapoints always makes it more useful.
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>>79027136
Haven't you ever heard that when giving feedback, you should try to sandwich the criticism between praise? I don't want to be a whiner about this, but damn anon, a third person chiming in from the peanut gallery to call it shit is not very appreciated
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>>79027380
I'm one to advocate not criticizing someone just to criticize them, but anon they directly asked for criticism in a thread meant for feedback. You just gotta learn to take criticism on the nose and realize that most people are just trying to be helpful. Plus, it's harder to distill what you like about something than it is to distill what's wrong with it, and most people will feel self-conscious about just offering 'I liked it!' and nothing else before a wall of criticism.
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>>79027380
>Haven't you ever heard that when giving feedback, you should try to sandwich the criticism between praise?
Anon that's for your children and zoned-out minimum-wage employees. If an adult wants to improve at a difficult, creative endeavour, they have to learn to deal with critique.
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>>79027983
Knowing what you do well is about as important as what you do bad, so you can keep a frame of reference
>>
Bump
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>>79028124
That's true, but not counter to what I said. Most people starting out don't really do anything well - inventing fake praise to make them feel better just muddies the waters and stifles improvement. Simply pointing out areas to improve is very useful for amateurs.
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>>79028297
Well obviously the praise shouldn't be fictitious, but I'd be surprised if you read the story and thought I did nothing good in it. The criticism isnt even that the characters are cardboard cutouts in a white room, its that I use a few extra words that could be optimized.

But I dont see much point in continuing this because having 2+ people read and respond is already far above average and now we're just cluttering a thread that has done well by me.
>>
>>79004220
I do not have the energy to go through this line-by-line, but having read it my general thoughts are:

You have a good descriptive energy, but it's too much. Reading it is like going to take a shower and being hit by a fire hose - dial it back a little.

As others have said, some of your sentences are either oddly phrased or don't scan properly. It might help if you read back what you write out loud - doesn't always help, but sometimes it's a good tip; some sentences work in your head but trip you up when you try to say them aloud.

I liked the overall narrative of the story. Poet chases his muse, but pisses off a god who take creative vengeance - very classical. I think it would have been better with a little more foreshadowing - the goddess turns up at the end so abruptly it's almost a Deus Ex Machina (no pun intended). I know you gave some lead up but you were rather vague about who she is and why her wrath is to be feared - I think you needed to define earlier what sort of goddess she is, and what she does to people who annoy her.
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>>79030207
Thanks for the response Chronicler

As for your suggestion, I blame the gap between a good short story and a good character backstory. I was a bit fast and loose with the goddess so that my character could be more easily stapled to the DM's world. If I give this another pass once I've given up my dreams of it being actually used, the entire interaction at the temple will get plumped up a little, and add a proper description of the goddess' appearance.
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>>79028913
Don't expect any good-things-focused positive feedback, because this thing here is non-existent. People here like to act Gordon Ramsay style, focusing on what you've fuck up, completely ignoring good parts. It's strange they haven't started to call everyone around "YOU FUCKING DONKEY!"
Oh, and if you post something else, and similar errors appear, you're probably too full of yourself to improve. At least according to some people here.
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>>79031162
Like Gordon Ramsey, people here will say good things if what you've written about is of high quality. People usually say nice things about what I write, for example, but the other part is for each story I post here I've chucked 12 others straight in the garbage.

>>79024142
Anon, where are you right now? If you need a hug, you're in the wrong neighborhood.
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>>79031368
>Anon, where are you right now?
6 weeks into not hearing back from a lit agent on my novel (not even a rejection telling me I suck) and 1 month deep of not getting a full night's sleep because I bought a puppy, and as I mentioned, I had three D&D games spark into life and collapse in the span of a week.
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>>79031782
Put your puppy in a crate until it's old enough to know better, how are you this bad at both writing and dogs? The point, my dear anon, is that you came to an ocean of piss and expected to slurp it straight from a straw, while everyone else has that high tech survival gear that converts piss into water, or drinks it because they love the taste. Do you love the taste? Do you have high tech survival gear?
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>>78824191
i thought i saw his dick in the thumbnail lol
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>>79031841
So we can finally stop pretending it's the last civic thread on this troll board? Can we finally admit that people here are as shitty as everywhere on /tg/, and don't care about writing at all, but they're here for shit and giggles?
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>>79031841
Think you're getting this idiot >>79032299 and the writer mixed up there my dude. Writer posted okay work, got a bunch of negative feedback and mostly handled it pretty well.

The only person complaining about the feedback in these threads is the person who always complains about these threads, no matter what.
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>>79032394
I apologize, you're absolutely right.
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>>79032412
Well at least your hostility makes more sense now, sort of

And a 3 month old puppy can't hold a bladder that long. I get about 7 hours before she wakes me up.
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>>79030365
>I blame the gap between a good short story and a good character backstory
Good point.

The other thing that puzzled me is: how much of a punishment is it really to be transformed into a beautiful woman with an amazing voice? Because as curses go that seems less... spiteful that what deities are normally capable of.
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>>79032508
Here's a sleeping picture of my dog to compensate for my dickishness. I should really know better.
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>>79032412
>I apologize, you're absolutely right.
Props for admitting it.

>>79032508
>Well at least your hostility makes more sense now, sort of
Don't let it get to you, your work (and response to feedback) was fine. And in hostileanon's defence, the idiot he's angry at totally deserves the hostility - Polish is an absolute nightmare to deal with and fucks up these threads on a regular basis.
>>
>>79032535
Well, to my point in >>79024511
Their voice isn't particularly good. To further explain why it's a curse, what can I say but that gender bending has a long and colorful history of tormenting fictional characters and lament that the mods yeeted the old smut threads

Now to move on to my other project, I have a question.

Is it psychopathic to murder your murderer? Both you and they will get brought back to life upon death, minus some memories, and they already stabbed you to death once. This is a modern setting (plus the alien technology bringing people back to life) with modern police departments
>>
>>79032842
Ah, gotcha. Fair point.

>Is it psychopathic to murder your murderer?
Not psychopathic necessarily, but not 100% well-balanced either. It is, of course, a matter of personal opinion really, but I don't think a character can be an unqualified good guy if they kill or torture (and I think this case counts as torture) people for any reason other than to protect themselves or others. So revenge even when justifiable tarnishes a character a little.
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>>79033725
Maybe, but this is a society where people don't die if they are killed. It's already so far alien from our own that maybe killing your murderer is just seen as pranking them back or something you're expected to do. Maybe murder is a fairly light crime because it has no lasting effects and instead maiming people or other permanent damage is one of the worst things you can do.

>tl;dr
It's weird enough that you can get away with justifying it however you want, I think.
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>>79035204
The resurrection is both new and not wide spread, about a dozen people are affected in the city
>>
>15 year world class assassin known for murdering his way through Africa to let China subjugate the entire east coast
>Rookie of the year soldier who fist fights on a daily basis for three years

>Assassin has a knife
>Rookie has slightly better vision in the dark due to his neural implant

>I have to justify why this isn't a one sided beat down and can't just say "because the narrative requires an antagonist able to hold his own
>>
>>78904463
>>78904565
*pornos
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>>79032394
Tell me now where I'm wrong in my statement about feedback?
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>>79035204
But it does have lasting effects (the memory loss), and I imagine it would be very painful. Beating someone with a baseball bat until they go into a coma that gives them permanent brain damage is hardly prank-level, even if they do wake up later.
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>>79054076
>Sometimes, when you're trying to get your bone jumped, the bones jump YOU.
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>>79037225

Maybe the assassin underestimates who he/she is fighting? Unless the rookie is the target, then that doesn't make much sense.

Is the assassin a master hand to hand combatant? Or more of a sneaky poisoner/knife in the dark type? If that's the case it would make sense that the assassin might struggle against someone who fights regularly, everyday.

Otherwise, let the rookie have some trick that throws the assassin off his game. Or the assassin is already in a shitty headspace going into the fight.

Is your story set in east Africa? If so nice, very underused setting.
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>>79059797
I was pretty tired when I wrote that complaint

The assassin is mostly a sniper but is no stranger to fighting his way free of a bad situation and simplu has way more experience than the rookie

The rookie has a brand new military neural implant to even the field. Its meant to be a toss up

And no, Im not in Africa, I'm in an American mega city
>>
Bump
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>>79065044
You can let the thread go, it's Friday so I'll post the next one as soon as this one dies.
>>
>>79066128
Got something that's a continuation of a post I made earlier in the thread, should I wait for new thread or nah?
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>>79067396
Might as well wait a little, thread's almost gone and I'll repost it as soon as it does.
>>
night
>>
>>79067396
>>79067766
>>79069179
Whelp, so much for that. Okay, disregard >>79067766, I guess the thread is sticking around
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>>79069250
Maybe people don't want a new thread, that's why they keep bumpin' on this one?
>>
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>>78970710
Karan awoke slumped over in front of a workbench.

She cracked open her eyes and instantly regretted it, closing them tightly against the thudding pain in her optic nerve. Propping her head up on one hand, she rubbed the bridge of her nose and tried to recall what she had been doing. She had... that's right, disconnecting power conduits that bilgers had linked between the two ships. Dark, damp and boring duty far behind the lines of the Astartes, where it was just her and her cog-axe.

Cracking one eye open and finding the bright fluorescent lights tolerable, she slowly raised her head and blearily looked around. A row of idle servitors stood in neat lines, their backs socketed into portable charging stations. One of the maintenance bays? An odd choice for a nap, with the dormitories just a few decks down. She had been cutting through one of the power cables when-

When the construct appeared again...

The thought sent a jolt through her system, and she shook her head as clarity came back in fits and starts. It had oozed out of the walls, slithering through electrical ducts and up through the conduit her hands were buried in. A tendril had whipped out and met her directly in the head. She had- she had gotten up from her duties, she remembered. Turned and marched straight through the ship, taking shortcuts she did not remember through parts of the ship she hadn't realized were there. She remembered rummaging through parts bins, grabbing broken components she didn't understand before producing a small, golden cube from her robes. Then she descended upon one of the servitors and-
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>>79077859
Karan froze, then slowly turned around in her seat. Standing directly behind her was the servitor, it's jaw locked open in some sort of frozen grimace. It's arms were outstretched towards her, and she saw that there was blood on the crude servo-hands and manipulators that had been attached in place of it's limbs. A stink of medical antiseptic was in the air, filling her nose and making the room smell off.

Slowly, her hands shaking, Karan reached her hands up to her head and felt the thin, surgical sutures dancing across the back of her skull, expertly weaving around her existing implants with skill beyond that of any servitor. Nausea built in her stomach, and she had to squeeze her eyes shut once again, pressing her head into the cool metal of the workbench and breathing slowly to steady herself.

A quiet thumping played out behind her as the servitor turned and slowly shuffled back to it's recharge station. There would be no log of this operation, or the modifications made to it's software to allow such precision. She had- it had already taken care of that. Even though it was trying to stay quiet, she could tell it was-

"Adept?"

Karan jerked in place, banging her knee loudly on the hard metal underside of the workbench. She held her knee and grit her teeth, looking up through watering eyes at the bemused optics of Magos Adhrea. "Y... yes?"

Adhrea's hood was down, the matte skullcap that held his cranial enhancements in place on display. His eyes were as inscrutable as ever, but his mouth was twisted in a show of concern. "What are you doing in the servitor bay, Adept?"

"I-" Karan glanced to the right, only seeing a row of perfectly idle and secured servitors. Droplets of cleaning solution dripped from the manipulators of one of the servitors, fresh from the automated wash cycle. "I- was just... I mean..."
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>>79077871
Adhrea leaned forward carefully, scrutinizing her. His optics clicked and cycled briefly, and Karan winced as her electoo grew uncomfortably warm for a second as Adhrea probed her biometric data. After a moment, he relaxed. "Observation: You seem tired, Adept S'jet. Rumination: it must be difficult to work in cold and darkness for such an extended period of time. Why don't you return above the waterline? See the sun and get some sleep?"

Karan stared. "Ah... thank you, Magos. I will do that."

Adhrea smiled, putting an augmetic hand on her shoulder. "It would be a shame if you were lost to the void from exhaustion. There is much work to be done, and many cogs in the Omnissiah's machine that need to be maintained if it is to be completed."

Karan slowly nodded, and slipped off the stool, remembering to briefly bow before turning and practically bolting from the maintenance bay. She wrapped her robes around her and shivered to herself as she took the stairs two at a time. Was she just losing it after weeks of mind-numbing work? Was that it? She reached up and felt the thin scars crossing her hair. No, no it was definitely not a hallucination.

The possibilities of what had been done to her raced through her mind. Clearly she had been forcibly fitted with some kind of control device. Perhaps a spiked MIU or a scrapcode device that would unleash it's payload should any attempt to uninstall it be made. Or a remote override unit that would render her into little more than a servitor at it's command. She was foolish to not have immediately told Adhrea what had happened. At the very least he would probably have been able to kill her if it took control-

+I'm not going to do any of that.+

Karan's feet slowly came to a stop in the middle of an umbilical passage. "Hello?" She asked, dumbly.

+Hello.+ The voice was even and completely without sound. They simply appeared in her mind with a clarity she didn't experience with even her own thoughts.
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>>79077885
Karan stiffened. "Who are you?"

+You already know who I am. I'm the construct that installed itself into your mind.+ After a moment, it offered. +I'm sure you have questions.+

Karan shivered and hugged herself, looking back and forth down the passage, half-expecting an Astartes to appear at full charge. Words failed her as she struggled to put her protestations into succient words. Eventually, all she could manage was: "Why me?"

+You don't need to speak. Not to me.+ The voice chastised. +Go on.+

She closed her eyes. +Why me?+ Silence reigned in her head as she drew her robes in and looked up and down the corridor.

+I have wandered this place for eons.+ It finally said. +There is no telling how many minds I have consumed so I might replace my failing systems with their own. Unsecured systems, bionics such as yours. That same fate was what awaited you, when I found you.+

Karan felt herself turning slightly green at the memory.

+But what you said and what I saw in your mind stopped me.+

+...what was that?+ Karan asked.

+When you spoke to me, I was... reminded of my creators. And how far I had fallen.+ It sounded almost uncomfortable. +It has been... a very long time since I met someone who hasn't tried to pray to me, or cast me out like an evil spirit. You spoke to me like I was a person. You wanted to learn more about me, but you also saw that I was in pain.+

Karan breathed slowly, then tilted her head. +You... implanted yourself into my head... because you were lonely?+

+Partially.+ It admitted. +I would be lying if I said I did not have other reasons. You are a more permanent arrangement than living as a parasite. If you'll permit me to stay, that is.+

Karan looked up as a hissing sound came from the end of the umbilical as the airlock cycled. She shuffled forward, shivering. +I don't think they'll exactly remove you gently if I say otherwise, so it's not like I have a choice.+

+Likely not.+
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>>79077904
+And I bet you were counting on that, weren't you?+ Karan couldn't help the bitter tone to her thoughts.

+I was.+ It admitted. +I do not wish to be a parasite anymore, but I do not wish to die.+

Karan stopped in front of a slowly revolving airlock portal inscribed with the Icon Mechanicus. +Great.+ She couldn't keep the glower from her face as the skull in front of her slowly rotated. Her head felt like it was spinning, but she knew she couldn't just collapse on the ground here. That would cause too many questions. +So, what do I call you?+

Something quietly whirred in the back of her mind. +I don't recall.+

+Well, I can't keep calling you 'it'.+

+I understand.+ The grinning skull before her spun in place, decorative pipework rimming it venting jets of hot air as it equalized the reactor-warmed air of the ship with the damp air of the hulk. With a scrape of metal, the door rolled to the side, disgorging a steady stream of servitors and other menials who rushed past her. A few adepts glanced her way, questioning looks soon giving way to indifference as they passed.

It finally answered as Karan stepped through into the waiting chamber of the airlock. +Call me Ulysses.+
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>>78824191
Are there any good stories featuring centaurs?
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>>79079900
A quick ctrl-f on the wiki page gives me:
https://1d4chan.org/images/b/b6/CentaurShooting.png
https://1d4chan.org/images/8/89/CentaurRace.png
https://1d4chan.org/images/b/bc/Centaur.png
You can judge for yourself whether they're any good or not.
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Could use some help

I've planned to make a story (Overwatch-inspired setting) about a mercenary having a meeting with his new contact, who then reveals his few past jobs were related to helping Talon-like organization in their efforts (he had no idea about it, as he thought it was strictly related to corporate rivalry), and offers him a counter-offer to instead thwart their efforts. And while I have a general premise, I have some problems with details like:
>What contracts would he and his team have done previously? What kind of tech could they steal or destroy?
>What would the contact offer to motivate him to switch sides (aside of mony of course)
>What other job would the contact offer to start his "new path"?

Surely there will be more questions related to it, but right now those are the most important things related to it.
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gnight
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>>79077859
>>79077871
>>79077885
>>79077904
>>79077918
This is good stuff. It's a good place to leave it, but I'd welcome more, or something else by you.

>>79085330
>What contracts would he and his team have done previously? What kind of tech could they steal or destroy?
Bagging rogue omnics prototypes who didn't get the memo about the peace treaty. Or really just any of the abilities featured in Overwatch, like the grav gun or Tracer's time skips.

>What would the contact offer to motivate him to switch sides (aside of mony of course)
The contact could tell them that Talon-equivalent is planning to dispose of them after a few more jobs as they know too much. This doesn't necessarily have to be true of course.

>What other job would the contact offer to start his "new path"?
Going to the moon is always fun.
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>>79091784
>Going to the moon is always fun.
With all that intelligent Planet-of-Apes-esque primates around?
Anyway, Here are some details about what I planned for this story:
As I said, the previous contracts really seemed like some corporation was interested in eliminating their competitors (their previous contact, let's call him Mr. Silicon, posed as a CEO of advanced tech company), so that's why I was thinking about something not directly military grade, but still dangerous in wrong hands.
The new contact was supposed to speak to his conscience about possible results of his continued contracts with Mr. Silicon, pointing out that another war would be even more devastating, and eventually would end up in enforcing the new world order on greatly reduced human population (she was supposed to be a noble type of person, but rather a politician, not an agent). Of course the Merc still has some of his conscience, and is not always "it's all about the money".
Later on, I've planned that when he leaves meeting place, he meets in person with Mr. Silicon (rather mafia style, a SUV crosses his path somewhere in the streets, two armed dudes puts him in), who gives a lecture about how sniffing around angers his employers so he should mind his own business.
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Okay let's cut all the worldbuilding fluff crap and get to what really matters. What are the staples you tend to see on a good science-fiction/fantasy story? This isn't about pointing out specific overdone tropes or cliches, more like recurring generalist elements and patterns that are proven to make for an engaging escapist narrative.

At the top of my head I can think of:
- protagonist is an outsider in some capacity thrown into an unfamiliar situation
- non-human pet-like buddy
- conflicting factions with their own set of strengths and values
- supporting ensemble cast with contrasting personalities, often representatives of the different factions coming together
- ruling authority figures playing pivotal roles
- opposing forces competing for the same tangible thing (mcguffin, resource, location, person...)
- special powers or abilities that allow for extraordinary fits not possible in the real world
- takes you through a vast set of very distinctive geographical environments
- vs nature sequence - surviving through an harsh location or (un)natural disaster
- a really large building is significant to the story
- ruins
- very imposing non-human singular entity as an obstacle (like a monster, robot, superweapon, battleship, etc)
- chase or escape sequence - more like a race than a direct battle
- an "epic" large scale war-like sequence between clashing groups
- a more intimate one-on-one confrontation between the protagonist and the villain or anti-hero
- someone switches sides
- tragic death

What ingredients are still missing?
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Bump
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>>78977567
Nice. I have forgotten about you r comic, just now remembered and here you are.
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>>79067766
sorry
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>>79097815
Former team member and traitor slays the most beloved of the group.
Collateral damage for certain actions
Revealing that the BBEG was the good guy all along.
Hero figures out that he cannot break from his destiny and thus leads into the path of the villain.
The protag was dreaming it all in a Wizard's Mind Spell while his soul was used as a power source for his Engine of War.
Sexy sex scenes
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>>78951252
The women of the valley were fierce. When planning the assault we only accounted for the men, little did we know the true danger lies elsewhere. Charging into battle on tigertop, wearing just a few strips of cloth, yet we were clad in plate with swords of steel. That didn’t matter; they punched, strangled and choked us. I was lucky to just get captured, “satisfy me or I will have your head” she said; I slipped out on the third night.

Excerpt from a soldier
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>>79097815
a trickster character
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>>79101216
In any type of military structure, the protagonist(s) will have as much trouble dealing with superiors who are either incompetent or out to get them for some reason as they do dealing with the actual enemy.

>>79101216
It's not like it really matters.
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>>79091784
>This is good stuff. It's a good place to leave it, but I'd welcome more, or something else by you.
I have some blurbs that ended up coming out of that chunk of writing, but they're timeshifted all over the place, which makes posting them as a single 'bit' difficult. Might workshop it around a bit, see if I can get anything more streamlined out.
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Bumpin' on these two >>79085330, >>79092252, because I really could make use of more suggestions.

But since only one person has shown any interest, it makes me think the others don't give a fuck about it...
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>>79106306
Maybe there just aren't many people who've played Overwatch enough to understand the background.
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>>79107199
Well, is there any actually? Apart of big war with robots in the past, creation of ye olde hero organization (and its later dissolution), some shit being stirred nowadays so the heroes can act again?

That's why I've planned it to be loosely based, but not really related to it, because there was no clear statement what Talon tries to achieve and why they need another war with robots to do so.
There's nothing about it in the game itself, because it's multiplayer. And I don't think any OW player actually cares about it.
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>>79085330
Huh, let's see if I get this right. Merc was doing jobs for the evil guys, disguised as corporate espionage and sabotage. Now, this merc with a personal code of honor is brought in to talk with he good guys. That settled, let's see...

>What contracts would he and his team have done previously?
Sabotage, stealing valuable prototypes and/or rare tech, espionage, extraction (kidnap an important scientist or other dude for the evil guy). Wetwork too, but you might want to keep amoral stuff like that from this moral merc.

>What kind of tech could they steal or destroy?
Don't know he details, but I'll say stuff like revolutionary new discoveries (blueprints for a fusion reactor), improvements (the fusion reactor but 20% smaller), weapons, new materials (a pure metamaterial, for Amazing stealth), all the research data of the last year and so on.

>What would the contact offer to motivate him to switch sides
Can't really say as I don't know the character. Enough funds to retire and a new identify, so no more bad stuff to make a living? A name as a hero? A job in the good guy faction to keep doing what the guy's good at?

>What other job would the contact offer to start his "new path"?
Could start with stealing right back something very important he took for the baddies. Basically take a previous mission and reverse it, and the guy would have the advantage of knowing the home field. Could also be tempted to alert the baddies in exchange for greater rewards...
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>>79110264
Morally it's still a rather gray character, while not willing to do something outright evil, and holding lethal force a last resort, he still has no problem with wreaking havoc if the job needs it.
He was working for Mr. Silicon mostly because his jobs, as I said, looked like some corporation wanted to eliminate its competition, but then his new Contact reveals he in fact worked for terrorists wanting to destabilize the situation in the world. The were still hire them, because they could always act as a good distraction for the Heroes (new menace to deal with, and way more hotspots to stretch their resources).

My first idea for motivation was the Contact playing on both his morality, and history of his nation, pointing out he hails from the people that value the independence the most, especially after years of foreign occupation. The Merc identity is already well hidden, only a few know his face, and he's well know only by his alias (Ace of Spades), so at this point, a new identity is the least of his worries.

A reverse job makes it too obvious. At first I was thinking about thwarting a job carried on by Villains actual lackeys, helping out the Heroes this time. But in fact taking a contract (along with some payment in advance) just to bust it also could work. But it would be way too obvious that the Merc and his friends already switched sides.
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what are your thoughts on videogame stories?
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>>79111604
>what are your thoughts on videogame stories?
Could be an interesting discussion but what do you mean? Fanfics set in videogame universes? Stories about videogames (iseaki,RPO etc.)? Or the stories of actual videogames themselves in general?
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>>79097815
Actually a pretty neat list, general enough to be applicable to most good fiction, specific enough to be useful. Almost everything on it is a trope, but not quite a cliche - just a useful beat for potential storytelling.

>>79103599
>In any type of military structure, the protagonist(s) will have as much trouble dealing with superiors who are either incompetent or out to get them for some reason as they do dealing with the actual enemy.
Man I hate this trope so much though. I think it actually is overused, and often doesn't make sense or just serves as a frustrating distraction.
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>>79111604
They've got better over the years but the prejudice against them compared to other media has some foundation.

I think part of the reason why video game movies usually bomb so badly is because the only video games getting made into movies are the established franchises, and the most established franchises are the oldest franchises, and the older a video game franchise is the more of a chance the developers were concentrating mostly on the tech and the gameplay. Twenty years ago no one took video games seriously as an art form and studios had neither the money nor the prestige to attract real talent; either writing was done by freelancers who were only doing it to make rent and had no respect for the genre, or it was left to whichever of the programmers had the time and fancied themselves an artist.

There's no reason that video game stories have to be bad, but the low standards set by the early days of the industry and the focus on technology and gameplay as the main selling points of a game mean that a lot of big hitters are built around an IP that, when you get right down to it, is just fucking dumb.

Fortunately, the tide is shifting. I'm not even entirely sure I like that shift, because it's producing some games with great stories but completely mediocre gameplay (Last Of Us, looking at you). However, there are starting to grow true all-rounder franchises, with literary-quality writing *and* the fundamentals of a good player experience (The Witcher 3 springs to mind in that regard).
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Well, looks like we've got to the bump limit. I'll try to repost the thread tomorrow morning, assuming I have the time.

>>79112912
When the enemy is a faceless terror it can be a useful driver of a more relatable kind of conflict in the narrative. In can be done well, and in many cases where they're fighting an abstract or remote problem it's downright necessary.

But yeah, it is waaaaaay too overused and often just comes off as stupid. 'We're all about to be slaughtered by a cosmic evil? Instead of concentrating all my energy on fighting I think I'll pick a fight with you, my subordinate, over something incredibly petty'.

Then again - and I hate to get political here but it's relevant - if the past year has shown us anything it's that when faced with a crisis and mass death, a lot of people will just continue playing out their own petty grudges without considering the larger picture. I've spent a lot of time since covid hit thinking about the mayor from Jaws, who's a prime example of the trope - constantly overruling Chief Brody and getting in his way in the name of protecting the town economy, leading inevitably to unnecessary deaths.
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>>79111604
World with videogame mechanics(Isekai, VR ...), 99% of them are trash, excessive mechanics can be detrimental to the actual story.

Actual videogames aren't much better, no hope in AAA. Smaller indie studios can do it as they aren't aiming for the marketshare provided by braindead consumers.
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>>79113241
>Then again - and I hate to get political here but it's relevant - if the past year has shown us anything it's that when faced with a crisis and mass death, a lot of people will just continue playing out their own petty grudges without considering the larger picture. I've spent a lot of time since covid hit thinking about the mayor from Jaws, who's a prime example of the trope - constantly overruling Chief Brody and getting in his way in the name of protecting the town economy, leading inevitably to unnecessary deaths.
I sort of agree with you as a refutation of "it doesn't make sense" (obviously, things happening in real life doesn't make them good storytelling), but in settings that explicitly draw from real world military (e.g. WH40K) it does make some sense.

Problem is it also shows up in all sorts of super-advanced post-scarcity societies and flies of the face of their own worldbuilding for a some cheap conflict.

I think we pretty much agree though. Like most things, it can be done well and is usually done badly.
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>>79113343
>Problem is it also shows up in all sorts of super-advanced post-scarcity societies and flies of the face of their own worldbuilding for a some cheap conflict.
It was one of the things I always hated about Star Trek the next generation. The Enterprise crew itself is always portrayed as a model of professionalism and compassion, yet every admiral seems to be either incompetent, completely self-serving, or a downright maniac.
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>>79097815
You just described Half-Life 2 to such a degree that I think it's intentional.
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>>79116236
dude you could literally replace "Half-Life 2" with Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, etc and it would still fit just as well.
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