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Happy 19th Birthday 4chan!




Hello! We will be playing 3.5e DnD with a single level 1 character. The character will have a curse that causes everyone in a forty foot radius to be attracted to him/her and the NPCs will attempt to fuck our character at every turn. We must begin by creating a character. I’ll handle the brunt of it but I’ll need you all to fill in the cosmetic details that make this an actual character. I’ll pick the most popular options or I’ll just pick winners at random. We won’t use alignment because that would be silly for this sort of game.

>Race
-Human
-Orc
-Elf
-Catfolk
-Dwarf

>Class
-Barbarian
-Fighter
-Bard
-Wizard

>Sex
-Male
-Female

>Name

>Backstory

>Physical Description
>>
>>5411624
The character also needs two primary attributes that it excels in
>Strength
>Dexterity
>Constitution
>Intelligence
>Wisdom
>Charisma
>>
>>5411624
>Dwarf
>Wizard
>Male
>Name : Urist Fonderferson
>Backstory : Wizard apprentice cursed by an infamous wizard of that horrible rape-magic book school. Had to flee wizard-not-hogwart because too many Male powerful people there. Tries to reach any amazon land to turn the curse into a blessing.

>Physical description : Young, small nose, huge blond beard and mustaches, blue robe

Attributes :
>Intelligence (good for a wizard)
>Constitution (Lasting longer... Concentrating spells of course)

I want a chuby ugly plump typical-loser to be a chick magnet, with the unwanted bro-magnet part of the deal.
>>
>>5411624
>Human
>Barbarian
>Female

>Name: Astrid Flasher

>Physical Description : Fair skinned amazonian, large breasts, blonde hair and dressed in open leather bikinis

>excels in: Constitution and Charisma
>>
>>5411637
Supporting
>>
>>5411636
+1, let's find our way to Amazonia
>>
Gonna wait for one more person to break this tie.
>>
>>5411637
I vote for Snu Snu
>>
>>5411637

+1
>>
>>5411636
+1
>>
>>5411636
+1

Mage
>>
>>5411636
+1

>Playing as a female for THIS quest
Ishygddt
Tired of sharing this board with literal faggots
>>
>>5411637
+2
>>
>>5411636
I love quests with ugly non-bastards.
>>
>>5411761
Voting for this >>5411637
>>
>>5411637
+1
>>
>>5411856
Coomers ruin everything, don't they?
>>
>>5411636
+1
>>
>>5411636
Support
>>
>>5411856
>>Playing as a female for THIS quest
>Ishygddt

> play as male
> every male NPC wants to buttfuck us
Who is the faggot again?
>>
>>5411636
+1
>>
>>5412198
Not him but logically its gay either way fag
>>
>>5411637
+1

A crown is warranted with strength!
>>
>>5411636
This
>>
I Am >>5411636
Did QM bailed on our ugly dawi?
>>
>>5411637
+1
Don't let the BL win
>>
Alright so I didn’t abandon ship. Yesterday I had to go to work when I thought I had the day off. I woke up a few hours ago and decided to take 120mg of THC. While I am eager to get the game rolling, I’m afraid I won’t have the mental faculties to run it for the next few hours.
>>
>>5412787
give me boaners pls
>>
>>5412800
So far it's looking like the dwarf wins
>>
A magical midget with no sex drive is swarmed by hot singles in his area
>>
>>5413664
96% of scientist DON'T want you to know this 1 easy trick!
>>
>>5413696
But first it's very important that you watch this instructional video for 19.99
>>
I’ve decided I don’t care. Best of luck to you all.
>>
>>5413929
>flakes after first choice

You never cared.
>>
>>5413929
Peace out, faggot.

*AHEM*

Welcome, Urist Fonderferson, to the rest of your life. You are a low value Dwarf Wizard male. You are a runaway from Pigsnorts School of Necromancy and Necrophilia. You thought you'd finally get some pussy there, even Undead pussy if need be. You were the only Dwarf on campus, the first in decades. Your clan considered you a holy omen for your incredible intelligence, with no deficit to your natural Dwarf hardiness. But you still couldn't get thrown a pity fuck at Pigsnorts, even from a walking corpse. This was due to the other wizards' advanced knowledge of sex juju magicks and long distance smell-casting. They always chose to make you smell like cabbage farts, and you never had a clue who was casting the vexing hexes.

Enraged by your involuntary celibacy, you fled into the wilds, hoping perhaps even a wood sprite or spriggan might suck you off, or stick a thumb inside your butthole. Still in your blue novitiate robes from Pigsnorts, you stick out like a sore thumb in the Summer landscape of the realm. You wipe snot from your tiny button nose straight into your dirty blonde dwarven mustache and beard, which you stopped braiding and maintaining.

You've only been in the wilderness for three days, but this place isn't like the wilderness back home. The woods outside of Pigsnorts are rife with hellish wildlife, murderous creations of amateur mages, and even criminal fugitive renegades.

All hope seems lost. You've been across this EXACT forest crossing a half dozen times before. The same boulder with the same moss next to the same brush... You haven't eaten since you left, unless you count those bugbear droppings you immediately scarfed after you came across them... Your stomach hasn't been the same since.

You briefly think of Dwarveim: home. All the citizens cheering you on for being accepted into Pigsnorts. Your family working overtime in the mines to provide you with your tuition. And, of course, you think of Meldma Smeltson, the girlfriend you left back home. You don't really give a shit about that frumpy prude, because she never put out. All you really care about is satiating your hunger... For snatch.

Just when you're about to give up and trace your steps back to Pigsnorts and then Dwarveim, a mystical being of the forest makes itself known, and changes your life forever.

The mystical being is:
>A mostly benevolent Desert Djinn, released from hell after finishing his imprisonment of a measly 7,777,777 years. (Wisdom, Charisma buffs)
>A malformed Spleen Harvester demon accidentally summoned by another foolish novitiate. (Intelligence, Strength buffs)
>The legendary King Stagghornn, a noble, gentle ungulate of the woods who has been here since time immemorial, guarding Pigsnorts since its inception (Dexterity, Constitution buffs)
>A possessed naked Drug Powder™ addict, high out of his mind and filled with foreign spirits, speaking in many different tongues. (+1,000 gold)
>? (write in, NO BUFFS)
>>
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>>5414802
>(write in, NO BUFFS)
hahaha look at how I punish your potentially meek creativity
muhahaha I am CHAOTIC EVIL

Also here's a sexy D&D picture to remind you of where you are. (And no, I'm not going to start a new thread.)
>>
>>5414802
>A mostly benevolent Desert Djinn, released from hell after finishing his imprisonment of a measly 7,777,777 years. (Wisdom, Charisma buffs)

Well, youre not as retarded as the last guy i guess
>>
>>5414802
>>A mostly benevolent Desert Djinn, released from hell after finishing his imprisonment of a measly 7,777,777 years. (Wisdom, Charisma buffs)

Dear diary, Today I found on 4chan a cool anon that took a one-post flaker's QM mantle. I really wish I could buy that guy drinks.
>>
>>5414802
>The legendary King Stagghornn, a noble, gentle ungulate of the woods who has been here since time immemorial, guarding Pigsnorts since its inception (Dexterity, Constitution buffs)
Come on guys we get better with our hands and last longer during.... disease.
>>
>>5411624
>Human
>Bard
>Male
>P. Ennis
>Local villager kicked a wizard and cursed him with a giant penis
>Ambiguous race, comically large penis
>>
Continuing in a couple hours, voting still open.
>>
>>5414802
>The legendary King Stagghornn, a noble, gentle ungulate of the woods who has been here since time immemorial, guarding Pigsnorts since its inception (Dexterity, Constitution buffs)
>>
Rolled 2 (1d2)

>>5415021
>>5414876
>>5415028
>>5415994

1 - Djinn (sends you to hell lmao)
2 - Stagghornn (shows you the Slit of Secrets inside of Pigsnorts)
>>
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You've wandered circles in the forest for days while holding on to hope: the hope that you'll get fucking laid. But through all this wandering, there's been a surprising lack of... Life. Other than the bugbear droppings, you haven't seen any other sign of life in these woods. Man, what were you thinking, coming out here?

Simultaneously, in the exact second you give up hope, a great tremor erupts and rumbles throughout the forest for about a half a minute. Then, you see Him. From behind the familiar boulder with the familiar moss and the familiar shrubbery is a massive elk, towering into the canopy of leaves, branches clacking and snapping at the tips of his gigantic antlers. It's instantly apparent who this majestic creature is: because he's the mascot for one of the four houses of Pigsnorts. Your house. House Stagghornn.

"King Stagghornn!! You've come to protect and bless me as you've protected and blessed these lands?!" Out of respect, you wipe clean your snotty beard onto your novitiate robe.

King Stagghornn is still for a moment, then lets loose a low, bassy bray, and nods.

He sets his colossal hoof on the mossy boulder in the middle of the crossing, and tilts it over, rolling it down a hill until it unceremoniously crashes into a group of trees, which buckle but do not break as they catch it. You watched in awe while the many-ton rock was tossed around like a ragdoll, and when you turned around, King Stagghornn had already mysteriously disappeared. Looking at unearthed ground, you notice an ancient wooden trapdoor with a faded silver ring-type handle. You wanted to thank the King before he left, but you settle by shouting into the wooded wind: "Thank you King Stagghornn!!!!!"

You look at the trapdoor, excited by mystery and mirth. What lies beneath? Only one way to find out, so you draw your wand, cast an illumination cantrip, and open the door to the underground shaft.

A few minutes in... Pretty standard fare, so far. Couple of thick, dusty cobwebs. Cold groundwater dribbling from the stone walls. An ancient taste of natural mustiness in the air. The passage winds deeper and deeper into the earth. You begin to wonder if coming down here was a smart idea...

As the passage winds and you fight through a few more spiderwebs, you begin finding iridescent glowing mushrooms lining the edges of the cave floor. Eventually, you come to a wooden door with a ring handle, similar in construction to the trapdoor above. You gulp, and decide for some reason that it'd be best to knock.

*KRAK-kkk*
*KRAK-kkk*
*KRAK-kkk*

Each knock echoes, maybe all the way back up to the surface. You stare intently at the door for a few seconds. Nothing. You reach out your hand and touch the handle, and...

*Fizzt!*

Your illumination cantrip fizzles out, leaving you in the dim embrace of the rainbow cave shrooms.
>>
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"Oiii! What gives???" You feel powerless to cast magics, and your wand has been drained, or blocked from using its powers. Only then does the wooden door open.

It's a room of pure shadow and sweet smells, like that of fresh fruit or fragrant flowers. You are pulled, tugged in to the darkness by a feminine hand on your matted beard. The door shuts behind you and it is pitch black, you can't see a thing. You begin feeling many hands, now exploring other parts of your body. They begin untying your tunic and relieving you of your equipment. You feel the urge to resist, but a new voice speaks to you, urging you to "justtt relaxxx, Uristtt". You give in, giving your body over to this experience, when you feel a slimy pair of lips make contact with your own. Your eyes dart open in shock, but you still can't see.

That's when the suction starts.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" You scream internally, then into the corpus of whatever is sucking your face. With great force, your lips are being sucked, inhaled and lightly nibbled on. The feminine hands holding you now number at least a dozen, and they restrain you from resisting the kiss. A powerful urge starts building in your nether regions. By now, you've been stripped completely nude by this entity. The suction on your face starts taking your breath and very life force away.

That was when the miracle happened.

While engaging in these acts in the darkness, your manhood becomes erect, but that's not all. It also becomes three feet long and as girthy as a bedroll. Your balls swell up to the size of coconuts, with the vigorous juices and hairs to match. You instantly know you've been granted a new power, a sixth sense of sorts, but better: you can now cum on command. You estimate you can produce 5 gallons per load, with a recharge time of a measly ten minutes.

You grin, and grab onto two of the feminine hands restraining you. You manage to toss your head away from the lips sucking the breath out of you, and shout.

"FOR HOUSE STAGGHORRN!!"

You launch buckets of cum at the entity in a high power stream, pushing the lips and all the hands back away from you. You feel the ability to summon and manipulate mana again. You activate your illumination cantrip and gaze in horror at what just had you in it's grips.

A strange species of beholder, who was able to manipulate its body to feel like a woman!! It must have been using powerful magics to mimic your language and infiltrate your mind. It looks like the beholder is done playing games now. You enraged it by shooting a bucket of hot cum in it's giant central eye, and now it has only unfettered murderous intent.

"Blast!!" You panic.

What do you do?

Suggestions:
>Run!! Back to Pigsnorts!
>Fight!! (Any low or mid level spells are welcome, but will fill up a slot once chosen. You can cast up to Lvl 3 spells right now.)
>Attempt to fraternize with and make sweet love to the Bootyholder [DC: 19]
>? (Write in)
>>
>>5416352
>Attempt to fraternize with and make sweet love to the Bootyholder [DC: 19]
>Use our spell "Charm Monster" we totally not learned for that kind of circumstances.
>>
>>5416388
Charm monster is 4th level
>Cast haste
>fight
>>
>>5416388
Soon...

>>5416557
With your newfound girth, you decide to stand your ground and fight. You have just the spell for the occasion. To make up for lost time, you start weaving a Haste spell around yourself, allowing you to act twice as fast as you normally would. Your heart beats faster, and your loins recharge quicker. You'll be ready for another blast of goo soon, but not yet.

The beholder has fully recoiled from your previous spurt of goo. Upon closer inspection, you see that this creature is already severely scarred and mangled from it's apparently long life: the creature that was groping and making out with you appears to be an ancient aberration, forgotten, or perhaps sealed, within this tomb for ages. In it's prime, this creature would have easily devoured you; you're infinitely lucky that it's been crippled by age and previous battle.

Your mind races with ideas.

If you wanted to run, you could outpace that... Thing... With ease. It's still an option. In fact, you're not even sure it could fit through the door frame. But that leads you to wonder, how did it get down here? And what else is in this cavern? Is it guarding something?

Hmm...

Your hand moves to grip the Pigsnorts Ritual Dagger on your waste line, then over to your spell book. You're unsure of your next move, but King Stagghornn showed you this place for a reason. Maybe he called on you to defeat this creature?

It's time to continue writing your story, Urist Fonderferson. What is your next move?

Choose TWO actions.

Suggestions:
>Attack
>Spell (Which? Lvl. 3 max for now)
>Interact
>"Interact" ;)
>Flee

(This quest will be very loosely based around numbers and actual rules since, uhhhh, I don't know the actual rules. But we can learn together as we go :o). )
>>
>>5416714
>Attack
>Attack
We're hasted thanks to a nice fella's recommandation so let's attack while we attack, so we can stab the thing while stabbing the thing.
>>
Rolled 4, 5 + 1 = 10 (2d6 + 1)

>>5416725
You firmly grip your dagger and steel yourself for your first battle since you were accosted by those Drow teenagers on your the journey to Pigsnorts many moons ago.

You once again cry "for House Stagghornn!", and lunge into battle...

You can't wait to tell all the jerks and hotties back on campus about this.
>>
Rolled 2 (1d8)

>>5416744
Dancing deftly around the aberration, you stick your dagger in a weak spot twice, with full power.

The Bootyholder flails and lets out a deep eldritch screech, a noise that nearly deafens you, on top of making your skin crawl. You gauge that the creature is probably around half HP.

Just as you are gauging things, the Bootyholder comes back with a rasping grasp, attempting to disarm you and rip you to shreds. You try to hastily scurry away, but there are too many tentacles, and this creature is rather dextrous for it's age and shape. You resist with all your might, trying not to be drawn and quartered in this dank dungeon.

(Disarm and damage on odd roll. Even roll just deals damage)

[As a level 6 wizard (starting here so we unlock lvl 4 spells next level) with high constitution and my arbitrary lack of regard for the rules, you have... 25 Max HP.]
>>
>>5416758
The creature fumbles for your dagger, but your grip is the iron grip of a Dwarf. It never had a chance. You resist being hugged into a slimy embrace a second time, and ready yourself to finish this combat. Your loins are still not ready to unleash another spurt, but you expect to be ready to "perform" again next round.

Staying aware, you look at the surrounding area, still lit up by your illumination cantrip. It has stone walls and a dirt floor just like the passage above. Rather than tiny, glowing iridescent mushrooms, the room is filled with large, dull offwhite mushrooms about the height and width of an adult Dwarf. In the corner, partially hidden by the shrooms, you see something large and shiny on the ground, but you can't decipher what it is from here.

Still benefitting from Haste, you appraise the combat situation. The perverse creature hurt you more in the dark, sucking your face (-5HP), than it did while in the light just now (-2HP). It's lost its advantage.

You feel confident in your ability to slay this beast!

What's next, Urist?

Choose TWO actions.

Suggestions:
>Attack
>Spell (Which?)
>Interact
>? (Write in)

(You have one more turn with Haste before it wears off, giving you a nasty debuff.)
>>
>>5416774
>Attack
>Interact tell the monster to surrender.
>>
The battle rages on.

You approach the creature with an unbound resolve. Your erection is so hard it hurts, even through the adrenaline.

The Bootyholder assumes a defensive position, not allowing you to get a finishing blow on it's torso.

No matter, Urist Fonderferson is a survivor, he makes do with the situation at hand!

You slice at the tentacles that are preventing you from dealing a killing blow. A few of the limbs thud to the dirt. Another nasty screech.

You continue marching on your mark, dagger and wand* raised. Your benevolence has you offer one last olive branch before you must slay this beast. A part of you kind of wants to make out with her(?) again.

"Halt!! Submit to me, creature!"

DC: 12+. (Infatuate on nat 20. Roll in next post.)

*Crap, I just realized we could have had the Charm Monster spell imbued into the wand. I'll let you guys choose what the wand does, as well as continue choosing the other spells we already know. If they aren't sorted out soon, I'll throw in some ideas/options.
>>
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Rolled 12 (1d20)

"C'mon, baby, I think we just got off on the wrong foot..." You wink at the Bootyholder, and your coconut-sized balls flush with liters of semen.
>>
Rolled 6 + 1 (1d6 + 1)

>>5417134
Success! Bootyholder has lost the will to fight, and voluntarily surrenders to you!

>>5417132
(There was supposed to be a 1d6+1 dice roll here, but we passed the Interact check so the Bootyholder is now neutral or perhaps an ally. Rolling for that now just in case.)

You gain 8,000 XP for succeeding in the encounter, as the Bootyholder is a very high level challenge. You are at 22000/23000XP, almost at level 7. (Starting off at level 6 puts you at 14000XP.)
>>
>Go check the shiny
>>
>>5417141
>>5417134
Nice. I would be cool with Charm Monster being in our wand.

by the way what are our stats. right now our highest score is Int and Con. Int is important for a wizard because it decides how many spells we know.
>>
>>5417152
>Ask the Bootyholder about it's lair, Treasure, about itself (especially her name), and why it was down here.

>Make sure to reward her for her "Blessing"
>>
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>>5417148
>>5417152 (I'll sus out the stats tomorrow, I'm turning in for the night right now. I wouldn't mind some help with the stats, if anyone can lend a hand. I think I got it, though. This won't be perfect by any stretch, as long as I'm DM'ing, but we will have a leetle fon.)
>>5417156

The Bootyholder winks at you, but won't give in to any of your sexual advances. It's incredibly beat up, not really in the mood for sexy time, seeing as it's at 10% HP. (2/20)

Even with your wiener and balls ablaze with hot cum ready to spurt, and blood rushing through all the veins, cooler heads prevail, and you decide you don't want to fuck this ancient, decrepit rapist abomination after all. You're still not 100% certain what set of genitals it has, if any.

You keep an eye on the Bootyholder as it rests up, and you scan the room.

The giant mushrooms are an edible species you recognize from your Necromycology 102 class, good for restoring HP and fending off the Undead. Usually you only see samples in Pigsnorts in corked glass jars. You stock up your satchel with some decent chunks of the stuff for the hell of it.

You examine the shiny object you saw earlier, and find that it is an elaborate entrance to what appears to be a tomb. Though it is originally a golden, bejeweled setup, it's been roughly boarded up to prevent entry... Or escape.

You look back the way you came, through the wooden door with the passage back to Pigsnorts. Then you look to the opposite end of the cave. Behind the recovering Bootyholder is a narrow shaft with a whistling breeze passing through it, lined with lanterns that look like they haven't been lit in ages.

You ask the Bootyholder for information or instruction, still not entirely sure you can trust it. It seems to understand you, and goes into a very long, winding explanation of this area, and even tells you a little bit about its past and its upbringing. Too bad you don't speak Quevquel, so it just sounds like void-nails on a spirit-chalkboard to you. You have to scream at it to stop. You figure it'd be best not to ask it any more questions until you figure out how to translate. (You understood it earlier because you were under several of the Bootyholder's spells, including a magic blocking spell and an offensive hallucinatory spell, once you touched the door and entered the lair.)

What do you do now? Where do you go?
>Leave this crypt now, and go back to Pigsnorts to tell everyone what happened.
>Investigate the windy shaft with the lanterns.
>Investigate the boarded up shaft lined in gold.
>Stay here and spend time with the Bootyholder before making your next move.

Any other actions? [i.e., eat mushroom, give Bootyholder mushroom, attack Bootyholder, rape the Bootyholder (it's consensual rape, they raped you first), ask Bootyholder to cause you to hallucinate again and enter your mind, jerk off, etc.]
>
>>
>>5417186

>Sit on the ground and do nothing as we wait for the exhaustion from haste to wear off.

>Eat Mushroom and then give some to B.H

>allow them into our mind for communication purpose's

>ask the Bootyholder to be our guide to any library or loot.
>>
>>5417210
supportin
>>
Rolled 3, 2, 6, 1 = 12 (4d6)

>>5417186
well we can use standard array (15,14,13,12,10,and 8), Point buy (27 points), or 4d6 (drop lowest) for each stat. we also have an ability score improvement that can be used for a +2, 2 plus 1's, or a feat.

I would go Mountain Dwarf for +2 strength and light/medium armour
Standard:
Str: 12+2=14 (+2)
Dex: 13 (+1)
Con: 14+2=16 (+3)
Int: 15 (+2)
Wis: 10 (0)
Cha: 8 (-1)

Point-buy (27):
Str: 8+2=10 (0)
Dex: 14 (+2)
Con: 14+2=16 (+3)
Int: 14 (+2)
Wis: 12 (+1)
Cha: 10 (0)

Roll: (in priority of best stat)
Str: (fifth)
Dex: (Third)
Con: (Second)
Int: (first)
Wis: (fourth)
Cha: (Sixth)
>>
>>5417224
so this would be a 11 or a +0
>>
Rolled 4, 1, 3, 2 = 10 (4d6)

Rollin for Kokonut boy
>>
Rolled 6, 2, 6, 1 = 15 (4d6)

>>5417224
Triple 6
>>
Rolled 6, 5, 4, 6 = 21 (4d6)

You can do it, Urist
>>
Rolled 5, 6, 4, 5 = 20 (4d6)

>>5417601
can I get that triple six
>>
Rolled 2, 1, 5, 5 = 13 (4d6)

>>5417224
Blessed be RNGesus.
>>
>>5417224
if you go for Roll's here is the stats:
Str: 11+2=13 (+1)
Dex: 14 (+2)
Con: 16+2= 18 (+4)
Int: 17 (+3)
Wis: 12 (+1)
Cha: 9 (-1)
>>
>>5417224
11
>>5417247
9
>>5417601
14
>>5417608
17
>>5417643
16
>>5417645
12

so our array looks like...

Strength : 13(+1)
Dex : 14(+2)
Con : 18(+4)
Int : 17(+3)
Wis : 12(+2)
Char : 9(-1)
>>
>>5417651
Yeah and we just have to decide how to spend our ability score improvement.
>>
>>5417671
Also, that isn't factoring in King Stagghorn Dexterity + Constitution buff
>>
>>5417650
>>5417651
>>5417671
>>5417716
(Thanks all, been at work, but will do my best to get an update or a few out later)
(Also, based RNGesus)
>>
>>5417716
I think we should either go for Linguist for a +1 to Int making it a +4 and 3 languages (I would say Infernal, Under common, and Draconic or Primordial)
>>
>>5418096
Filing out a character sheet for Urist. what's his alignment (my guess is Chaotic neutral) and background (sage)

I think we should go for lucky because sage gives us to 2 languages.
>>
>>5418096
we rolling for health or taking average (8 per level) so we have 50 HP
>>
>>5418096
here. let me know if I got anything wrong.
>>
>>5418195
Yeah, you took necro over Scribe
>>
>>5418332
we went to the Pigsnorts School of Necromancy and Necrophilia. School of necromancy made a lot more sense.
>>
>>5418332
>>5418374
I must admit I'm thoroughly lost, and flattered, so I'll be watching a lot of videos/reading a lot of guides on how to do this, so I'm not fudging everything up. For the meantime, we're out of combat and doing some exploring, I think I can handle that.

---

As you harvest some Great White Mushroom, your body starts slowing down to regular speed, as does your mental processes, leaving you in a debilitating brain fog. With the Bootyholder still recovering, and seemingly not hostile anymore, you feel in no hurry to run down the lantern shaft, the gilded shaft, or the return shaft to the surface. You think you'll just lie down on this pillowy mushroom... And... Catch a... Quick rest... Right... Here................For just a se-.........zzzzzzzzzzz.........................

...

Ş̷͇͛h̷̳̜̔̀k̸̼̹̚l̴̜̊ǘ̴̺̮r̸͙͊̓p̴̳̈́͝*̸̳̊͐
̵̼͐*̵͍̂S̵̜̯̃̓ ̵̰͐L̸̗̩̈ ̵̥͍̀̾U̶̼̍ ̵̮͌̕ͅR̵͖̦̚ ̵͍̝̀P̸͎̭̄̿*̵̼̦̑
̶̩͉͐*̸̥̈́s̵̤̩̊ ̴̻̒h̵̯̜͒ ̵̹͕̀l̶͍͘ ̵̓u̷͕̍ ̶̌ř̵̼ ̴̜̍p̶͚͎͋̎ ̵͔̉̍p̸̼͠*̴̴͖͖̽̽

!
!!
!!!

"Oi, that tickles!" You awake to the Bootyholder, nibbling at the Great White Mushroom chunks in your satchel, and scraping you with its oddly smooth tongue.

You fell asleep down here?!?! You're lucky this aberration is feeling playful and not vengeful! You decide, as a show of good faith, to share a meal of mushroom with the creature you defeated earlier.

You were honestly thinking you were about to get laid and finally lose your virginity after all this time. You were so ready to tell everyone at Pigsnorts about it, too. Maybe you'll embellish something. (Darko Foymalf, the Drow captain for House Blystertyt's Ditchquid team, probably won't believe you.)

With the knowledge that Bootyholder comprehends you, but cannot speak to you without harming your sanity, you begin wondering if there's another way... "Hey, uh... Thing..."

The Bootyholder directs its attention to you, but seems a little irked.

"Sorry, I don't know what to call you. I was thinking, though. It seems like when I was under your spell earlier, you were speaking to me in Common, and I did understand you. If you promise not to assault me again, sexually or otherwise... I'd like to know your name, friend. I'd also like to know if you are imprisoned or entombed in this cave, as it seems you cannot return to the surface. Perhaps we can work together, to both of our benefit?"
>>
Hours of mind manipulation, sexual assault and broken promises later, you finally come out of the hallucination, drenched in some viscous, foreign fluid. You're disgusted, and shivering cold (and that's saying something for a hearty Dwarf like yourself), but you've got a newfound understanding of the monster. Its name is Qibbi, and thank the fucking stars: it's a she. Qibbi was summoned here from an ethereal plane where she wandered aimlessly, but happily, for millennia. She has never seen the surface of this world, but she longs to.

Qibbi's summoner, who has forbade Qibbi from mentioning them by name, sealed himself in the gilded passage deeper in the earth, taking an entire retinue of spellcasters with him. This happened... Many, many moons ago. Qibbi has lost track of when that happened. Surely at least a few years ago, at minimum. She warns you that she still detects potent magical forces down there, but no sign of life. Qibbi is too large to travel down the gilded shaft.

The only place Qibbi has ever been, beside this mushroom chamber, is down the passage with the old lanterns. It only leads to another chamber, about equal in size to this one, but instead of mushrooms, there are only forgotten, defunct tools and some remnants of ore and crystal, mined from the small quarry ages ago. There is also a wooden door there, too small for Qibbi to pass through; she has no idea what's on the other side.

"So you've been trapped here all by yourself for years... That's so sad..."

All 17 of Qibbi's eyestalks begin weeping tears.

It must be getting dark outside by now. What do you do, Urist?

Suggestions:
>Have Qibbi take you through the lantern passage to the mining chamber.
>Tell Qibbi you've got to retrace your steps and head back to the surface, and Pigsnorts, but you'll come back for her, promise! (Truth? Lie?)
>Pry open the wood over the gilded passage and descend into it. Tell Qibbi to watch the entrance.
>Murderhobo time, you have an urge to kill then rape Qibbi.
>? (Write-in)
>>
>>5418601
>>Have Qibbi take you through the lantern passage to the mining chamber.
What's behind the door?
>>
>>5418601
>Have Qibbi take you through the lantern passage to the mining chamber.
Possible magic loot, good thing we have identify.
>>
Wait wait wait.
Let's get and mix:
4 Leaves of Mint
1 Human Skull Pressed
1 Squirt of Squid Ink
2 pints of Monkey Blood
1 Live Chicken
3 oz of Brimstone
THus, the road to monkey island will reveal itself
>>
Rolled 2, 4 = 6 (2d4)

>>5418655
>>5418611
Another door, huh? You wonder where it could lead... You've got to find out.
1 Just a small supply closet full of rust-consumed equipment. Literally nothing of value. Except, wait, what's that in the corner? It's a clue! Jinkies!
2 Secret passageway to the girl's bathroom in House Hussiepuss at Pigsnorts.
3 Secret passageway to the girl's bathroom in the House Hussiepuss at Pigsnorts.
4 It leads to a forgotten mine filled with the skeletal remains of a miner, and tons and tons of truemetal - what others call mithral.

But first, did someone say... ORE AND CRYSTAL? Like any other healthy Dwarf would, you frantically insist that Qibbi take you to inspect the quarry, stat!
1 Nothing but rubble and junk rocks
2 Nothing but rubble and junk rocks
3 You find an eons-old, magically imbued, Dwarven pickaxe!
4 Just as you're about to give up, you find a Gem of Life!

(Writing)
>>
>>5418670
Lolwut
>>
>>5418670
Woops wrong thread
>>
>>5418600
we're taking about what Wizard subclass we are. A wizard can pick a subclass at level 2 and if gives you bonuses as you level up. it's giving us Necromancy Savant, Grim Harvest, Undead Thralls. http://dnd5e.wikidot.com/wizard:necromancy

by the way can we talk to Qibbi in undercommon. normal Beholders know that and Deep Speech
>>
>>5418885
Sorry, and thank you for the correction. I knew I'd be getting things wrong. Bear with me while I read up a bit more on Urist's (and Qibbi's) abilities and background. I'll still try to get an update out within the next 24h.
>>
>>5419134
you didn't get anything wrong. As the QM/DM you could just say that Qibbi as a Bootyholder doesn't know Undercommon and besides we just finished creating our character sheet (so before then we didn't know undercommon)

>by the way can we talk to Qibbi in undercommon. normal Beholders know that and Deep Speech
It was meant as a question and as a QM/DM you have the final say. so far your doing pretty well for someone who hasn't played DnD and suddenly took over for flaky DM
>>
>>5419145
We'll go with "Bootyholders don't speak Undercommon"
>>
>>5419162
and that is fair.
>>
Not that I give half a shit, but isn't this a blue board?
>>
>>5420594
Damn did you get QM banned?
>>
>>5420682
I didn't narc, I'm just saying.
>>
>>5420705
That's exactly what a narc would say
>>
Still here, in fact I wrote a paragraph about how I was going to be updating soon! also wrote some other shit about the state of the board but blegh, whatever, looks like it got deleted instead of getting posted, probably an error on my part. I plan on definitely posting within the next 14 hours, hopefully more like 2.
>>
>>5421121
this taste like honey to my ears
>>
As you walk down the lane of lame lanterns, led by your new aberrant friend Qibbi, you... Smell something... Something you didn't smell before, thanks to all of Qibbi's mind tricks and pungent fluids...

Some slight seismic activity, moistness...
Remnants of blast powder...
Fae oil, typically used to power headlamps...
Your Dwarf senses are tingling. Or are you just happy to see me? ;)

You're venturing into an abandoned mine shaft!! Score!! You can hardly contain your excitement, you haven't even sniffed a shaft since you started your first semester at Pigsnorts. You thought Limerock Quarry, hundreds of miles from here, was the closest ore mine; you couldn't have imagined there was a quarry right under your nose.

The excitement dissipates quite a bit as you reach the belly of the barren beast. You smell the burnt fae oil more sharply now, but see no headlamps. No carts, not even a pickaxe. All that truly remains to let any commoner know there was ever a mine here are the lanterns and the sparse wooden infrastructure that was built to prevent cave-ins.

This mine has been abandoned for so long, Great White Mushrooms are beginning to grow here, just like the last chamber where you battled Qibbi, but these shrooms aren't mature yet, they're only about a foot and a half tall by a foot and a half wide. Judging by their size and development, you think it's safe to assume this mine hasn't been accessed by anyone other than Qibbi in about 80-100 years, when she likely started spreading the shroom spores here.

Instead of pondering deeply and piecing together Qibbi's timeline in this hole, you walk, as if magnetized, to a nearby tapped vein. It's so completely mined, you can't even tell what ore used to be down here; you won't even hazard a guess. It must have been an incredibly important metal in order for people to go to these extreme lengths to take every single trace of metal ore, not even leaving a pebble for Urist to study. The last party must have slaved for years, maybe even decades, to disappear every last bit of precious ore from this place. Due to the ancient look of the lanterns, you guess that this whole place was mined clean before Qibbi was even summoned to the mortal plane.

You're discouraged, but not heartbroken. You resolve yourself to start going through piles of rubble, and even digging or picking further into the walls and floors if that's what it takes to find something of note. Qibbi waits for you, hovering and confused, but silent, not wanting to speak and ruin your Dwarven concentration with her nightmare-inducing squeaks and shrieks.

An hour passes, and the sparkle in your eye is gone.
Another hour down, and your grin loses its brightness.
Couple more hours, and your matted, dirty blonde hair loses its sheen, more from the layers of dust and dirt, than from losing hope.
>>
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73 KB JPG
You're now much more aware of Qibbi watching you. You figure she thinks you're an idiot, that you're wasting your time. Don't you want to explore beyond this musty old shaft?

Fine, fine, fine. One more pile, then you're done. You reckon it must be around 2-4AM, meaning dawn is about to crack outside, but it's probably still dusk for now. You hope that little nap earlier didn't distort your perception of time. Either way, just about time to move on. You've been sorting and sifting through rock for hours and all you've got to show for it are black fingernails and an empty potion vial, with the glass cracked in several places.

You stand up, defeated, wishing this whole episode could've been undone, or fast forwarded through. You curse your luck and kick a rock. You follow the stone with your eyes as it haphazardly tumbles a few feet ahead of you. As it comes to rest, you are transfixed with that rock, and it's symbolism in your life. Before you think anything too deep and groundbreaking, haha get it? Mining? Deep? Rocks? Groundbreaking? Ahh, I spoil you guys. I hope you are all ROCK HARD. (Your spirits, not your dicks.) Okay, back to the story, sorry. you see a glimmer. You try focusing on it, but whatever it was, it's gone dull from this angle. You cock your head around like an itchy wyvern, trying to find an angle where the object will glimmer again.

There it is, next to where you found the cracked potion vial.

"A-ha!! Gotcha!!", you exclaim, arousing Qibbi's interest. It's no surprise she didn't find this on her own -- this thing wasn't just hidden, it was utterly lost until you came along.

The item you found is a small crystalline gemstone, icy blue in color, but warm to the touch. You smile and your mind feels at ease as you twirl the gem around and look through it as light dances in and out of its many jagged faces. You've studied this gemstone before you came to Pigsnorts, and again at Pigsnorts in your Crystallomancy class with Professor Zneip.

You hold in your hand a legendary Gem of Life, a one-use item capable of raising the dead and bringing their soul back to its home, no matter how long they've been departed from this world. But beware, insanely chaotic things have been known to happen when these gems shatter before they are used. You could be horribly transformed forever, or sucked into a new world, or even turned into a zombie, among other mysterious fates. The effects of breaking a Gem of Life aren't well understood, because they are so incredibly valuable and hard to find, and no one wants to volunteer to be the test dummy. At least, no one has ever returned to tell the tale.

You doubt this whole chamber was filled with Gems of Life, but who knows? There's no evidence one way or another, and with the sparsity of the mine as a constant reminder, you doubt you'll find another Gem of Life even if you spent another week, or a year, or a century down here. You got lucky, real lucky.
>>
You instantly feel the burdensome weight of this two ounce gem. The power of life over death; the power of life after death. But if you break it, the gem also contains the potential to irreparably change your life as you know it.

"Neat." You say, as you huck the gem in your back pocket, and continue your bizarre journey as if you didn't just spend almost a quarter of a day just sifting through over a ton of rubble. "So, uh, Qibbi, can you show me that wooden door you were talking about, the one from my induced hallucination?"

Qibbi's main eyeball squints closed as she smiles, and hovers over to the wood door. Working the metal ring, you get the door unstuck from the jamb after just a few solid tugs. You reveal a twisting passageway, identical to the one you descended down, minus the miniature glowing rainbow mushrooms. It's really the only place left to explore other than that strange chasm with the boarded up, bejeweled, golden door.

Qibbi starts to look a little sad, but tries to hide it and remain cheerful. She realizes that you'll be exploring this hall without her, and you realize it, too. You can't stay down here forever. You're about to tell Qibbi that, but decide it sounds a little insensitive. Instead, you take one of her slimy eyestalk-tentacles as if it were a maiden's hand, you look into Qibbi's main eye, half a meter in diameter, and say "I'll be back for you, girl. Promise."

Your ascent is bittersweet, you're leaving a new friend in need behind, in order to find out more about how to help her, as well as learning more about your school and yourself. Your mind begins to wander after about 10 minutes of climbing up. This passage isn't as neatly hewn as the first passage that King Stagghornn showed you, and you stumble more than a few times. By the end of the journey to the surface, Urist is steaming mad, having tripped and fell so many times. The Gem of Life is intact still, but it may have been loosened up from almost getting crushed a few times. When you realize what almost could have happened, you get angrier and start swearing: your normal method of de-escalation and calming down.

In the distance, a faint response to your cursing: "Teeheeheeheeheeheeh- OHMIGOD did you hear that??!? It sounds like an angry little man!! Shut up, shut up, listen!!"

A few seconds of silence go by, and you figure you should join in, to avoid detection. Where did that voice come from? Another, slightly deeper, female voice: "Like, oh my god, Tiffanil, you're just hearing things! You're so crazy!" You begin walking quietly up the secret passageway while they talk.

"Shut up, Birgetta! I'm serious!"

"What-EVER!!! Aaaaanywayyyy, Joolala, there I am, in my Basics of Necrophilia class, and who walks in?"

"Whom was it?" A third female with a voice much, much deeper than the other two, almost masculine.
>>
"You'll never guess... Darko Foymalf!!!"

Squealing in unison: "AIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!"

"He's SO dreamy."

"Like. I know!!! Duh!!!"

You absolutely despise this conversation until you come across a crack in the rock, with light spilling into the passageway. Looking through a hole in the wall, you see three women in front of a large mirror lined with sinks. You've come across a women's bathroom inside one of the Pigsnorts buildings.

The human, Birgetta, is a slender, sassy little number.
Tiffanil, a Drow, has short hair and a HUGE rack, you can tell she's a little more shy than Birgetta.
Joolala is a female half-Orc with the looks and temperament of a female half-Orc - 'nuff said.

They appear to be winding down from an activity or preparing for a new one, because they all begin stripping nude!! Joolala remarks about a mole on Birgetta's back that she doesn't recall seeing before, to which Tiffanil informs her that it's always been there. Your massive three foot hog is swelling out of control, and as it rapidly grows, it thuds against the passageway wall, making a loud noise that frightens the naked Pigsnorts girls. You see in all three of their faces that they heard your dick noise and were frightened by it, but they don't say a thing to each other. They all get towels and walk out of your view from the slot in the wall. You hear a nozzle turn on and water start flowing.

Tiffanil says "oh come on, I thought you guys were ready to bathe already! We just spent like 50 minutes getting ready!"

Birgetta, back in sight now, with blood trickling down her left leg, is running to a bathroom stall: "Ugh, I just got my period... Let me clean up before I get in the bath!"

Joolala, for some indistinguishable reason, says she's "gonna put my hair up in braids real quick, so I don't have to wash it again so soon."

While Joolala rambles about vitamin deficiencies and the lack of products on the market for half-Orc hair, you happen upon the end of the tunnel. It seems to empty out into one of the bathroom stalls from a hidden door in a false wall, the stall just next to Birgetta.

What do you do?

Suggestions:
>Cut a quick glory hole in the stall and launch your magnum dong through the other side for Birgetta the Human to nibble on
>Go after Joolala the half-Orc, walk right up to her while she's doing her hair, and stick your massive cock right up her bum
>Join Tiffanil near the tub, sneak up to her and start rubbing her shoulders and sniffing her hair, licking her neck and ears, groping her flesh-and-milk bags
>Announce your presence and make a grand entrance, angle your way towards a foursome with these stunning babes (and the half-Orc too)
>Do a drive-by one-Dwarf bukkake and launch a significant load at all three of these Hussiepusses, then jet
>Wait until the bathroom is empty and covertly infiltrate Pigsnorts until you find your way back to your dormitory in House Stagghornn, like nothing happened
>? (Write-in)
>>
>>5421574
>>Do a drive-by one-Dwarf bukkake and launch a significant load at all three of these Hussiepusses, then jet

That or bleaching the Drow with Urist' kokonuts.
>>
>>5421574
>Cut a quick glory hole in the stall and launch your magnum dong through the other side for Birgetta the Human to nibble on
>>
>>5421574
>Wait until the bathroom is empty and covertly infiltrate Pigsnorts until you find your way back to your dormitory in House Stagghornn, like nothing happened
>>
>>5421579
>>5421736
>>5421787
Thank you for your votes, friends. Leaving this open for another ~12-24 hours. Tiebreaker roll if needed.



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