A mystical world filled with powerful arch-mages and ancient dragons, fantastic cities of gold ruled by mighty kings. In this world of Kings and Queens, you are… kind of a nobody. Not so much of a nobody that you spend your life shoveling shit and dying of a plague. You're the kind of nobody that manages to live in marginally less feces-soaked garb, while keeping the shit shovelers in check. You are a knight, a warrior capable of not immediately being trampled in the first skirmish your obese overlord throws you into. Your name will never be inked into the tomes of history, in this land, it is custom to discard your name upon your knighting, and you are bequeathed a title by your God-chosen ruler. As with jobs in this time, you have about as much social mobility as an aborted snail, but you do know of one singular method of acquiring your own comfy little life. A princess. Or a prince, you don't exactly care at this point. Saving one of those desperate damsels and tricking their Stockholm syndrome addled gray matter into marrying you, will earn you the easy life of duke, a barely shit-scented one at that.But to acquire your own piece of budding royal behind, you are going to need some knowledge of your abilities. How can you expect to save a princess when you can’t even quantify how good you are at bench pressing dragon femurs?Thankfully for your shield slugging self, your lord happens to have a mystical practitioner of the most vile of magics… Mathematics Voodoo. You make your way to your king's boy-whore/sorcerer and plead for information of your personal characteristics. He is more than eager to tell you all about his disgusting magic, and the way he is able to quantify your very being into just a handful of numbers. These SSSSTATS as he calls them, are EXTREMELY IMPORTANT AND CANNOT BE CHANGED, EVEN IF YOU REEEEALLY WANT TO. So, humble knight, allocate these points and be on your way. >IN ADDITION TO COMMANDING AROUND THIS SWORD SWINGING MEAT-PUPPET, YOU MAY ALSO SUBMIT "CORE WORDS" >THESE WORDS WILL BE THE CORE OF YOUR CHARACTER AND THE VARIOUS NPC'S YOU MEET DURING YOUR JOURNEY
You have a pool of integers to plug into your stats. These are -2, 0, +1, and +2. Your SSSSTATS you may put points into are- Smash- Your physical capability and staminaSmile- Your charm and people skillsSmart- Your intellectual capabilitiesSneak- Your ability to move quickly and quietlyYou also have the mystical SPECIAL stat, but your sad stature is far from special enough to even justify getting to use that.Allocate your SSSSTATS and be on your journey young knight of... Who are you again?
>>5261819>Smash 0>Smile -2>Smart 2>Sneak 1>Who are you again?Ser Leslie Brinebottom. That's right, our parents actually gave us a girl name. I'm not chargening a nonloser after that intro.
>>5261828SSSSTATS ALLOCATED>Ser Leslie Brinebottom. Sadly the beautiful name your mother and father so lovingly crafted for you was discarded upon your knighting, you forgetful fool. You are now known as The ______ Knight. Now give it another go and really get those neurons firing, You obviously have the smarts, you just need the gumption.
>>5261848The frowned knight
>>5261852Of course. The beautiful ceremony returns to your busy mind, the golden light bathing over the King's throne room, the smiling faces of friends, family, and countless nobles. And as you approached the lord of the land... You made a total ass of yourself and tripped on the Queen's dress, smacking your head on the stone floor and causing an uproar of laughter at your expense. From that day forth you have been known as.. The Slip Knight, your legendary ability to lose your footing is known throughout the lands. Your ambition to retire the knightly life make quite a bit more sense now. You have unlocked Clumsy: -1 to any rolls involving precise footwork, +1 to any rolls involving dodging.
>>5261869You shake your head, exiting the embarrassing daydream and bringing yourself back to reality. The mystical boyslave before you has been watching you stroke your chin in contemplation for at least 15 minutes, at one point a fly landed on your open eye and you didn't even flinch.But now that you have gathered your sense of self, you may begin your quest to acquire a piece of royal tail. But how shall you begin your quest, brave, clumsy knight? >Run to the nearest abandoned keep, dragons love hiding princesses in there>Go to the forest and find the ugliest looking critter you can and give him a big kiss. Witches love turning princes into small disgusting creatures.>Something else, you're smart, I'm sure you can formulate a plan better than the first couple ideas to rattle around in your skull.
>>5262301>Run to the nearest abandoned keep, dragons love hiding princesses in there
>>5262301>>Run to the nearest abandoned keep, dragons love hiding princesses in there
>>5262301>Something else, you're smart, I'm sure you can formulate a plan better than the first couple ideas to rattle around in your skull.Recommend we go to war with a smaller weaker kingdom
>>5262348>>5262351>>5262710While the idea of slaughtering a couple hundred peasants does flood your mind momentarily, you quickly settle of the much more sensible solution, finding the nearest abandoned fortification containing a scaly demon. You scurry back to your small room in the castle, hurriedly filling your bags and having a horse prepared for you. Due to your lowly stature on the knightly totem-pole, you don't even have a squire to call your own, so you have to adorn your armor yourself. Do you take your chances and wear lighter more agile armor, that will do little in terms of stopping halberds from disemboweling you. Or do you go with the much sturdier option, turning yourself into a waddling mess of steel plates and clattering chainmail. And while you're at it with these decision making escapades, what weapon would pare best with your choice of armor.>Slight armor more mobility>Clunky armor for more defenseAnd don't forget >Whatever marvelous type of weapon you can think of
>>5262884>More mobilityWe got the dodge bonus already. >The Lantern shieldWithin your shield is a light source, that helps you see at night while fighting. The shield has several little dials and knobs you can use, to shutter the lantern or even open it wide to blind enemies with the abrupt glare. Perhaps in the future, you could even modify it further, like having a way to blow out flammable gases, or keeping some sort of mystical wisp in it….
>>5262884What about the good old axegun?
>>5262884On the other hand, we could always use the good old... Swordchucks
>>5262893>More mobility You opt for the well fitting leather armor, you can't go skulking around in a dragon's keep with 80 pounds of steel clattering about. >Lantern ShieldHow could you have gone with anything else, this absolute clusterfuck of nobs and dials is a pain to operate even with your high intellect, but you feel confident that this jack of all trades tool will serve you well. It takes a few minutes of fumbling about to put on the gauntlet, and at one point you tap a button and nearly cut off your ear. This is going to work swimmingly. You grab your bags and set forth on your journey, a map affixed to the inside of your shield which you can conveniently check whenever you feel lost on the winding paths you shall march upon. You exit the inner sanctum of the castle, walking forth and bidding farewell to your life as a laughingstock. You exit the fort and look at the world around you, a number of people hustle and bustle in the streets, a number of merchant stalls line the main road outside of the castle, each selling their various wares and foodstuffs. Your map tells you that the nearest abandoned keep is to the south, through a large stretch of rolling hills, the old fortification was left to rot long before you were born, a curse has been rumored to inflict agony to any who wander within its aged walls. The north road leads up towards a mountain pass, passing right by the old dwarven city of Stone's Throw, known for it's bountiful mines and beautiful artistry. >Take the southern road and charge towards danger>Make your way north and search the dwarven city before making for the keep>Something else, maybe a better idea will hit you if you sit here in the middle of the road and stroke your chin a bit.
>>5262953>>5262954A plethora of various dangerously complex weapon sit unused in your Dresser of Armament. These beautiful tools shall never be of use to you, but maybe another traveler you meet along the way shall lug around similar weaponry, or maybe they'll just use something easier, like a rock.
>>5262966>Take the southern road and charge towards danger
>>5262966>>Something else, maybe a better idea will hit you if you sit here in the middle of the road and stroke your chin a bit.Let's try to use our brain stat
>>5262966>>Make your way north and search the dwarven city before making for the keep
Rolled 3 (1d3)>>5262970>>5262976>>5262982Indecision cripples your path forward, you pull out a three sided coin to make up your mind. You flip it into the air and hold your breath as it swishes through the air.
>>5262986>Make your way northThe coin tumbles to the dirt, showing off its third face before you bend over and stow it in your pocket for safe keeping, they don't even make these things any more, something about not being physically possible.You turn north, and steady yourself as your march onward, a cold gust of air giving you early warning of the bone-chilling squalls you will fend with later on. The path becomes more and more uneven as you wander farther and farther away from the castle, nothing but feet and wagon wheels have leveled this dirt path. Before you even realize, you find the sun tucking itself away for the night, now your only guiding light is the last strands of dusk, and the pale light of the moon and stars above you. Do you venture forth with the light of your Lantern Shield, continuing your haste to the dwarven town. Or do you make camp for the night, prepare yourself a meal, and sleep in the comfiest pile of leaves you can gather?>March onward>Settle in for a nap(You are still strongly encouraged to submit "Core Words" along with your prompts, these words will be stowed away for various NPC's and magical items you find along your path. Previous words submitted for your knightly name are also in this list.)
>>5262990>Settle in for a napOkay, uhh, I submit "giraffe". Is that how we're supposed to do it?
>>5263007>Is that how we're supposed to do it(You're doing great son)
>>5262990>Settle in for a napSubmitting "Artifi-sir"
>>5263007>>5263016>Settle in for a napThe day has felt quite short but you can't expect to spend a day exploring a city without getting a couple Z's. You wander off the path until you come to a tall oak tree, and begin to set up camp. You pile leaves up to make a sort of cushion before throwing a blanket over them all, and lay down with a sigh. You fish through your bag and pull out half a loaf of bread, a bit stale but at least this doesn't have maggots in it. As you begin tearing into your rather tasteless meal, you hear footfalls off in the distance, and they seem to be coming from the south just like you did. This might just be a harmless traveler, making their way to the city for work, maybe they'll even serve as a companion on the walk there if you really hit it off. But on the other hand, it's just as likely to been a dastardly bandit, out to make away with what little wealth you have. >Go to the path and greet the stranger, first impressions are very important after all.>Hide yourself and lay in wait, prepare an ambush for the ambusher.>Book it out of here, a coward may have his head held low, but at least he keeps his head.
>>5263291>Hide yourself and lay in wait, prepare an ambush for the ambusher.
>>5263291>>Go to the path and greet the stranger, first impressions are very important after all.It will be the Artifi-sir mounted on mechanical girafe, that will fail catastrophally.
Rolled 2 (1d2)>>5263409>>5263514Rolling for decision.
>>5263672You make your way to the path, after giving your hair a quick touch up, and scrubbing a bit of dirt off your face to make yourself presentable. As the figure draws closer, they appear to see you as well, and they quickly jog up to you. As they enter the light of your shield's pale light, you make out the appearance of a young man in his 20's, judging by his garb you can only assume he is some sort of magician or something. "Thank goodness, I was scared that I'd have to trot the entire way on my lonesome! Oh and where are my manners- My name is-" his mouth seems to continue flapping about but its as if the words meander from his lips and never find passage to your brain. You stare at the mage in confusion for a moment, before he realizes the issue, and a chuckle leaves him. "Right of course, my apologies. Sold my name to a demon a few weeks ago and I'm still getting used to that, I'm sure you understand, being a knight and all." The cheery man peers at your little encampment and smirks, "Mind if I bunker down with you for the night? Can't shake the feeling that an orc is gonna spring out from a tree and bash my brains into pulp the second I relax." Now that you get a closer look, he appears to genuinely be quivering in fear, and the beads of sweat on his brow only show off his true colors even more. This man is a coward, and the chances of him being a threat to you are slim to none. So do you let the long haired man join you, or do you send him on his way, and keep all that precious leaf bed to yourself. >Accept him with open arms>Shoo away the shivering fool>Something else
>>5263703>Accept him with open armsAnd also say"I can protect you from any orcs! But I would require payment. Like... I don't know... How about... That hat?"
>>5263703>Accept him with open arms
>>5263703>Accept>Give him the name "Barnabus"
>>5263703>Accept him with open arms>Let him fall asleep first
>>5263703>Accept him with open arms>Something elseIn exchange I require you to craft for me a spell that will make me greasier than a pig in a dress. I mean the Queen.>>5264003I also support calling him Barnabus regardless of what he calls himself.
>>5264019He can't call himself anything, he sold his name.
>>5264024More for if he ever gets it back or gives himself a nickname
>>5264003>>5263703+1>>5264019>>5264024But its a nickname we call him. He probably cant repeat it since it would be a name to him, so only others can call him names.
>>5263703>>>Accept him with open arms>>5264024But did he sell his current name or his ability to have a name at all? Those are two different things.
You eagerly accept the spellcaster and offer even offer to let him use your luxurious bed of leaves. He is obviously tired from his march, and quickly sits himself down on the makeshift bed. As you begin chatting you ask if giving the gentleman a nickname would get around the demonic deal he is under. He looks at you quizzically for a moment, before scratching his chin. "I never really thought about that... Let's try! What's the worst that could happen?" You begin scouring your mind palace for the perfect nickname for this slender sorcery slinging simpleton, when it hits you like a stampede of zebras. You jump to your feet and point to him, declaring that his nickname shall be BARNABUSHe smiles slightly and then nods in agreement. "Barnabus? I think I could get used to the ring of that... Alright! My nickname shall now be-" his lips continue to move, but that brilliant nom de plume you had offered him simply fades into the starry night. He sighs softly and then slumps into the bed, "Well damn... at least we gave it a try!" He seems a bit saddened, having just been filled with a small bit of hope for the moment. "You can still call me that though, I simply can't repeat it." He then rolls over on the pile and closes his eyes, "You offered first watch right...? I'll be quick to sleep then." He soon passes out and you find yourself sitting on a log and pondering what to do while your new friend sleeps. >March around the perimeter of camp and keep an eye out for trouble>Investigate your new "friend">Something else
>>5264123>>Investigate your new "friend"
>>5264123>Investigate your new "friend"What did he get in exchange for his name?
Rolled 4, 6 + 1 = 11 (2d6 + 1)>>5264127>>5264137>>5264597Rolling to investigate "Friend"
>>526559611 Huge Success!You slowly slink your way to the slumbering sorcerer and crouch down, digging through his pockets and making a mental inventory of his possessions. His jacket has quite a few pockets, and it takes you quite some time but soon you know of every crumb in his possession. The contents include:1 Bagel 1 Magic Casting Stick7 Copper Pieces1 Sour Candy Ball1 Tape Measuring Tape (3 inches long)1 Bar Soap1 Receipt of Demonic Transaction3 Dust BunniesDo you analyze any of these items, or return them to his jacket and sit back on your comfy stump.
>>5265610Obviously, reading the receipt before returning him everything and actually march the perimeter
>>5265610>1 Tape Measuring Tape (3 inches long)The fuck? What would you even measure with that?Also, steal the candy ball, skim the contract, and take a closer look at the casting stick.
>>5265692It's in the name, you measure Tape with it. Fascinating thing.
>>5265698That's weirder than almost anything we could have found in his bag.
>>5265610read receipteat bagelmeasure out 3.5 inches of tape
>>5265692>The fuck? What would you even measure with that?Your chode.
>>5265610combine sour candy with bagel to produce the ultimate food item
>Read Receipt You unfurl the detailed transactional document, and begin reading... 'This document hereby declares that *INDECIPHERABLE NAMES* shall part with their name, as means of payment for 1 (one) Wicked Sweet Hat of Wizarding. Any attempts to create a new name shall at the moment of recognition, be added to this contract and shall be unperceived by all but the Purchaser and Broker of this contract.'>Combine Sour Candy and Bagel for ultimate food itemYou much the sour candy until it is a fine paste, and smear it across the plain bagel like a most delectable cream cheese. You eagerly dig in, as soon as your teeth make contact with the sweet and sour paste, tears begin to well in your eyes. The incredible combination of sweet, sour, and bread brings you to your knees. After a few moments of heaven, you find that you have eaten the entire bagel, and you feel saddened that you didn't take your time. Bliss truly is a fleeting thing.>Measure tape with Tape Measuring TapeYou sadly have no tape to measure at this time, so you sadly return the item to your companions pocket. After returning the all of the items to their owner (except those which you had eaten), you begin to make patrol, the energy from that bagel really puts a pep in your step as you begin scouring the perimeter for any goblins, orcs, or tape-eating gnomes. You soon hear a light rumbling from the bush, and find yourself just a few feet away. With your Lantern Shield in hand, you take a deep breath. Shall you face this foe head on, or shall you run and scream back to your unwitting sorcerer pa.
>>5269326>Shine the lantern at your unseen foesubmitting core word "Spine-apple"
>>5269326>Get ready to protecc and counterataccSubmitting cyclops