Don't panic edition.previous: >>33468829 (died prematurely)Goal of the thread: Talk to a friend or loved one, or in a pinch, feel free to socialize with us. Talking to people is a human need, even to those of us who exhaust quickly from communication.Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!>What is this thread for?Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.>Why is this thread /lgbt/?Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.>Notes to consider:Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION>Note on adviceGeneric advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!## RESOURCE LINKS:Resource link paste: https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2023-09General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2023-09?Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2023-09
Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!- prepare 1 load of laundry- do 1 load of laundry- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish- eat a meal- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes- make your bed- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)- do the dishes for 3 minutes- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)- Open your window for 10-20 minutes- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)- take out the trash- drink a glass of water- put one item of trash in the bin- reach out to an online contact- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)
Damn it, alright, time to catch up with the thread. Apologies for the hiccup everyone, if you posted in the last thread, PLEASE, check the cross-posts. I do make an effort to no have anyone sneak past the radar...>>33493243>ust lazed around avoiding my goals and everything. Kinda feel bad about it now it oh wellIt's never too late, anon. You are low energy and we can't always manage to push through that. Just like I could have bumped /sig/ more today and prevented it from dying, but instead just.. rested. Here I am though picking up the pieces.>>33493584I like most preparations. I prefer a good french press or V60 coffee over a bad espresso, but at cafés I normally pick either an espresso, latte, or cappuchino depending on mood and weather. Espresso is in my experience the most difficult coffee to get right so it's kinda my litmus test for cafes you should go for to have coffee versus "stick to the cakes" types of cafés. As for what kinda coffee beans and such.. usually lighter roasts, I think one of my favorites is Ethiopian, and as pretentious as it may sound, because of it blueberry notes. I am usually not one to try and use these comparative taste descriptors if I can help it but I once slightly under-extracted an ethiopian coffee and it ended up tasting legitimately like a blueberry flavored tea. Only upon reading up on it did I find out that it's supposed to taste that way. That was cool.>>33494329You did make progress then! But if you are dissatisfied overall, then maybe reviewing what could be done about it may help. Nonetheless, applying for college IS a big step. Please don't beat yourself up too much.
>>33495450>I can't afford more pain right now.the worst I want to put you through is minor inconvenience initially. But.. it's the lesser of two evils, really. You are underestimating the suck of the alternative, medium term.>So how did you escape?it was several things, really. Depending on which stage of my life and how bad it got. At the worst stage I had my mother for support when I was young, more generally it was usually for the sake of others, or in the name of something I (used to) enjoy (which reclaimed some of the enjoyment). Nowadays I need less convincing simply because I know the mechanisms behind it and know that I will be more inclined to dig harder the more I dig.>Saying that things are good doesn't make them so.you fundamentally misunderstand the point. It is not about some toxic positivity thing. It is not about trying to put a positive spin on something bad. It is about recognizing self-sabotage bullshit like "I shouldn't try it won't work out anyway", or "let me half arse this to further convince myself things are not worth trying" (neither things we ever think this way, but critical self reflection can expose thought processes to boil down to shit like this). Also, oftentimes, a lot of nihilism people like us tend to express and feel are ultimately just copes, like I said. It is no less a cope to proclaim (seemingly) unattainable good things as meaningless. It's sour grapes. And we deserve better than that.>Things just feel bad, I can't even imagine how much neural rewiring would be necessary to change that.Yes, this is a thing that looks overwhelming. So does walking a mile. Which is why I express things in terms of single, atomistic steps. To cut a long story short, you should really not think of getting better as a monolithic thing. It is setting yourself up for failure. "I want to walk a mile in a single step or not walk at all, how else can I ensure I arrive at my destination?
>>33495450>>33503749>And wouldn't me suddenly becoming content with life just fix me in place preventing any progress to more a more healthy/fulfilling existance.No. Don't kid yourself, a baseline of satisfaction with the things you are doing is necessary for your brain's self rewarding system to function, which in term is essential for you to be as productive as you can be. Nobody ever hated themselves into a happy life.>Well that's awfully nice of you.I'm trying, in my own way. I cannot guarantee it to work, not my specific suggestions at least. I can vouch for the principles of it though. By the way I may sound harsh or confrontational right now, none of this is meant as me attacking or blaming you.. I hope that is clear. I am just trying to be sincere and genuine, while not obfuscating well meant criticism with saccharine rhetoric. >I was thinking of trying out therapy, but then I realized that it requires intense amounts of effort from the patient,That... is not quite right. It does require thinking and self reflection, yes. But you have put more effort into rationalizing not helping yourself than it would probably take to reap the first benefits from it.>So what am I to do now anon?Well, when I don't know where to start with an anon, I usually ask them to think of their issues in concrete terms, and try and put them someplace into the hiearchy of needs, picrel. Things further at the bottom are not more important per se (one could say that in many ways the tip is what gives meaning to the bottom), but it is kind of a metric of urgency. No /sig/ging when you're dead from starvation for example.>As far as I remember he doesn't go into the neuroscience of it, does he?Far, faar handwavier than that. We don't know these things down to such a low level. It's more about crude analogies and pictures in your head. Which can be useful. You would be amazed how far you can come in chemistry without knowing what a Hamiltonian is.
>>33497129>I'm going back in the closet. It's obvious that everyone wants me to be someone I don't want to beI don't quite follow, anon.. what is up? Did we talk before? It sounds like another anon who had an unsupportive family..>>33496116Sounds downright compulsive, anon.. do you think you should consider therapy for it? Although mindfulness stuff can help too I suppose, the constant checking is definitely not helping your well being.>>33499062>is it worth intentionally making it impossible for me to do something? what is it exactly? It very much depends on how you would prevent yourself from it. Hope you're reading this still!>>33500426Have you checked the ADHD resources? https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2023-09 has a post specifically regarding ADHD and how to try and cope with it.>>33500973Ohh, do you mean the youtube channel?
>>33423237Hey Alice, I unfortunately could not find the IDs you gave me (neither on .is nor .li), so I went with the most recent entries.See https://sntry.cc/sig-resources-2023-09, all shiny and updated.
>>33503323any tips on getting my affairs in order before i catch the bus?
>>33504565Anon, I hope you don't mean sui.. what's up?
>>33504581i dont have long before i fuck everything up again and lose my job and apartment because i'm not a stable person. i cant involve myself in others lives bc i dont want to be a user and im bad at talking to people. i want to pay everyone back and dissapear. idek if i should leave people with a reason or if that would be too narcissistic
>>33504670So you are afraid of breaking down.. hm.. do you have people who support you? It sounds like it. If you *are* unstable, you are way better off trying to have contingencies and safety nets than bank on the tragic solution.
>>33504002>Ohh, do you mean the youtube channel?It started as a YouTube channel but now it has its own website as well!
>>33505248Gotcha, added it to my markdown file. Would you like to give people a short description of the site or the channel? I mean the name seems self explanatory so I would wager it's very optional.
>>33505101i have a ldr bf and some kind people helped me get back on my feet from being homeless, but theyve helped me so much already that if i fail again then idk. i could probably figure something out if i lost my job, but im tired of feeling incapable. i dont really have friends anymore bc im a pos. i dont understand why ppl want to help me and want me to stay alive. i feel like im just a drain on society
>>33506222Sure, why not? How about “Jessica McCabe’s YouTube series addresses common problems experienced by ADHD adults with compassion, empathy, and advice.”
>>33503749>the alternative, medium termI don't know what you mean by this.>recognizing self-sabotage bullshitAlright sure thing.>>33503842>a baseline of satisfaction with the things you are doing is necessary for your brain's self rewarding system to functionSo I gotta be content with my current predicament in order to improve? Doesn't that seem kinda self-defeating? Also I fucking hate my current life I can't see myself starting to like it.>you have put more effort into rationalizing not helping yourself than it would probably take to reap the first benefits from itWell it certainly didn't feel like effort to me. Is therapy gonna be like this too, if so then it doesn't sound that bad. But don't they always say that they can't help you out if you can't help yourself? I cannot help myself, so is it already over then?>think of their issues in concrete terms, and try and put them someplace into the hierarchy of needsWell I don't have any of my psychological or self-fulfillment needs met. I don't wanna do anything. My OCD makes me feel like everything around me (including myself) is dirty. Everything takes too much energy away. I lack a lot of joy in my life.
anorexia treatment sucks so far. i could say a million things but that sums it up really lol, i think it is actually making me "worse"to the 200 other ED anons, i think its worth it to try still, and a diagnosis gives you lots of support, allowances and stuff at university and work
Bedtime for me.>>33506503I know things are scary right now, but if you feel yourself faltering, the absolute best you can do is .. speak up. The first skill a newborn expresses is making itself known by crying. That is because letting people know you need something before it's too late is foundational to us as human beings. Don't give up, anon. It is hard.. and I hope this does not come off as a bunch of platitudes. But, you sound like you are blessed with people that love you, and I know that I so, so greatly depend on my loved ones speaking up every day. It is deeply heartfelt a suggestion. You can never know what impact you have on the people that care for you. And it is so hard to take their word for it.>>33506659Aaand added, thank you! I'll update the web version soon.>>33507543>I don't know what you mean by this.what I mean is by entirely trying to avoid discomforts you risk rotting which can be quite excruciating. In short I would not point you to discomforts if the alternative (yes, even those down the sui path) would not have a high chance of far worse suffering.>So I gotta be content with my current predicament in order to improve?Not at all, it's nothing so big that needs doing. Be discontent, but acknowledge progress, even if it is small. Like, what is strategically viable and important is not as emotionally fulfilling as it should be. We can squeeze a little more contentment out of it by consciously reminding ourselves and having a clear metric/understanding of what progress is made. It is not about the package deal, I suppose it will make a lot more sense when we're discussing details.> Is therapy gonna be like this too, if so then it doesn't sound that bad.A decent amount of therapy can be just trying to find useful perspectives, picking up habits, tweaks to common sense. (1/2)
I feel so happy!I love estrogen. Gonna finish my last comp sci assignment for the semester (just got tests after this)
Have goodnight moths.>>33507543>>33508198(2/2)>But don't they always say that they can't help you out if you can't help yourself?Nah, humans need other humans. We are social critters. If you can't help yourself you must lean on others. "Pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps" is horseshit, it is far from over for you.>I don't wanna do anything. My OCD makes me feel like everything around me (including myself) is dirty. Everything takes too much energy away. I lack a lot of joy in my life.These are definitely things therapy can help with, and>Everything takes too much energy away. is something that needs exploring in greater detail. Mental energy is a super precious resource. Especially when depressed. Forming habits is a shorthand to minimize the amount of mental energy spent once the habit is formed. A competent therapist could also help you minimize the mental strain upkeep has on you, giving you breathing room to actually enjoy your time spent.>>33507675Could you go into a bit of detail what sucks? Are you losing, maintaining, gaining? I would like to learn more about your situation, we haven't spoken in a bit. Though I may only respond in like 24hrs, given work and such.>>33508236Make sure to enjoy some well deserved rest afterward, happy to hear you are enjoying the effects of HRT.
Bump.
how do i fix my sleep now that I'm in college I've been in a spiral with BDD hypochondria type stuff lately that's caused my to stay on this board a lot to cope fall behind on my homework and then do homework late into the night on nights that I didn't waste here.Last time I fixed my sleep schedule I just ironmanned it and said I was waking up at 6 every day no if's or buts and felt like shit from sleep deprivation until my sleep schedule adjusted. except that's not working this time so instead I'm just getting chronically more sleep deprived and then recently stopped being able to get up on weekends on time and end up sleeping in until 9;30 but that makes me stay up later repeating the cycle. for next weekAny tips on readjusting my sleep schedule I'm afraid all this sleep deprivation will prematurely age me
>>33509667buy melatonin pills off of amazon, people say they're unhealthy just don't overdo it you'll be fine. Also screentime or specific site time limits if tttt is a big driving factor. It can be hard to have a healthy sleep schedule in college what with just how most people socialize but trying to be consistent is the most important part, the exact timing doesn't matter much. You don't have to wake up early to be healthy you can wake up at 2 pm and still be healthy as long as you're consistent and get a healthy amount of sleep so just find a schedule that works for you.
>>33510094I have to wake up early because my mom takes me to school on her way to work. Because going to community college and can't drive. I might try melatonin but I dream a bit less some nights on them so thats sketchy, the other thing I could try again is Valerian root tea that stuff knocked me right out.then it's just a matter of controllign my time management so that tttt and homework don't bleed into bed time.I do struggle with screen time befor ebed.I like videogames and my productivity is ruined if I let myself play my switch before homework but after homework its almost bed time so I either break the rule or don't get to play any.
>>33510094the other part of the question i forgot to ask is would it be a bad idea to let myself sleep in weekends? Like on one hand it disrupts my schedule but on the other hand it helps hedge against going like 2-3 weeks without a good nights sleep. Until I just cant get up
>>33510356I think technically yes it is a bad idea to sleep in on weekends, it makes maintaining a sleep schedule throughout the rest of your week much harder, your body doesn't know the difference between weekends and weekdays so it just gets left confused. realistically if sleeping in on weekends makes it easier for you to get through the week and you feel healthier you should just go with that. You could also work to address broader reasons you are in this situation such as figuring out a way to drive yourself or taking advantage of public transit if your town has any and your class schedule allows it there should be stops in or near your campus and hopefully near your home that could allow you to find flexibility for sleep.
I've got no more transitioning to do and I'm happy in that respect.but in the last week or so I've been having a lot of nightmares at night and fucked up feelings during the day about stuff that happened to me as a kid/teen around being trans. Bullying, sexual assault, family rejection and conversion shit. I think this may be because of a big step I'm taking in life that I really want to be taking, but that is also considered socially inappropriate for my gender. and all this trauma is bubbling to the surface and fucking me up a little.anyone here who's been transitioned for a bit, no longer reliant on family, know what to do when that old messaging from home and school creeps in? how do you reinforce your humanity again?
Days without smokes: 118Ankis failed: 2/23>>33498887thanks for yuumaposting while i was out theta
>>33508309>Are you losing, maintaining, gaining? i don't know, sorry, i havent weighed myself in a while. my dietician wants to weigh me on tuesday and i want to cry. its just so hard to be expected to eat more with 0 mental healthcare, because of waiting lists i need to do dietician stuff before any sort of therapy and i dont know how they expect an anorexic person to cope with that
>>33508198>if the alternative...would not have a high chance of far worse sufferingI strongly disagree with this. Rotting isn't the nicest thing in the world but it's preferable to a life full of commitments and routines and painful maintenance. I mean if the opposite were true wouldn't the path of least resistance bring me to such a life instead of my current one?>acknowledge progress, even if it is smallI think I have trouble with that. Most of my goals are all or nothing. It doesn't feel satisfying if I only managed to brush half of teeth instead of all of them, despite me knowing that it is better than not brushing them at all.>useful perspectives, picking up habits, tweaks to common senseNot as groundbreaking as I'd like it to be, but alright.>>33508309If I do happen to get into therapy someday I will ask them about help me help you thing, and I would bet that they will not agree with your take on it.>something that needs exploring in greater detailWhat exactly do you mean here anon?
https://voca.ro/1jnFlmeVLDLG
Been crying a lot last couple days. Thought I was getting better but feeling very lonely and overwhelmed. I just don't have the energy to finish these final assessments and they are the last classes to graduate from the graudate diploma.I really tried, last 3 three semesters each had their own difficulty but managed to get through, last year sem 2 sister did her suicide gesture thing had to do the whole rigmaroll of police, hospital then caring for her, but that's when my panic attacks and frantic behaviour got worse but managed to pass 2 classes (64 and 82). Summer semester my ldr gf dumped me, had been trying to communicate how lonely and neglected I felt since the last 7 months there were several month long periods where I wouldn't hear from her, passed the summer class (78).During semester 1 this year, still reeling from breakup of 4 year relationship and midday through semester sister did her suicidal gesture thing again, wasn't as bad since I found her pretty quickly so no cops just one night stay in emergency but felt it broke my brain, and then after end of classes but before assignments were due (including extensions) she kicked me out, passed 2 classes (82 and 82). And this sem had to deal with homelessness for first 4 weeks, working again, constantly self-advocating with lgbt homelessness services I was working with, dealing with transition and just trauma of it all and last 5 years and then 10 and then just life. I just don't have the energy anymore, I feel so defeated. I love academia, I always wanted to write my dumb papers on topics like 5 people would care about, but just feel like all that has been taken from me. And I just don't have any fight left in me. I feel so lonely. I can't take break from degree anymore since its taken me waaaay longer than it should and was put on academic probation start of year. I think I just have to give this one up. And it sucks, I wanted it so bad. But I'm so tired, I'm alone, I have almost no support.
bump
Okay /sig/, I had a nice weekend, got in some R&R, now I’m ready to get back to it! I’m gonna try to do another of my scrambled egg and cubed potato meal preps today!
i feel an episode coming soon, gotta brace myself
>>33503323help. my current skincare routine Mornings:-wash face off with water -apply moisturizer and spf-apply stila heaven's dew gel lip oilNights:-cleanse with first aid beauty sensitive skin cleanser-apply hyaluronic acid-apply 0.04% tretinoin gel-apply byoma hydrating serum -apply burt's bees chapstickidki have sensitive, dry skin and the hydrating serum helps a lot. ive been wanting to get an oil cleanser to use like twice a week but idk what else to get. thx.
>>33503565>Just like I could have bumped /sig/ more today and prevented it from dying, but instead just.. rested. Here I am though picking up the pieces.Hey you shouldnt feel bad about a thread dying. I hope you arent at least! Shit happens yo. As for me...I still doubt what my next steps should be. Far from hrting myself into a meme just yet. I wanna experiment but everything seems a bit more daunting thatn you might think.Should I buy some silly clothes and do my best crossdresser/trap impression? Feels...tacky when I havent tackled the facial hair issue yet and my feelings over that, or my weight(which is painfully slow to get rid of, but patience I suppose)Anyway I think I will..at least keep trying to make my skin, hair and health in general better. And go to therapy...
I sig this bump for THE EMPEROR
Felt sick and ended up working from home today. Tomorrow will be better. Curious about how long a post here takes me when I hyperfocus on it, so I have a timer running in the background.>>33509667>>33510309Hmm, one thing that always works for me is if I don't let the switch charger anywhere near my bed. A more elegant solution I have been considering is getting a timed power socket off amazon. You can just have it set to off from 20:00~9:00, if you trust yourself not to cheat. Often I find adding a minor inconvenience to be all it takes. >>33510500Big disclaimer in advance, I'm cis so my ability to help may be limited.> I've got no more transitioning to do and I'm happy in that respect.Happy to hear! It must feel strange to have come to the end of such a long, arduous journey.. on that level I can empathize.> socially inappropriate for my gender.Could you be a bit more specific or would you be uncomfy saying these things here? >when that old messaging from home and school creeps in?how so, like.. memories resurfacing? I suppose a good way to think about it may be trying to overcome abuse related trauma, at least when looking for applicable advice online outside of /sig/. Because ultimately, that is what it was. People being abusive cunts. What does your support network look like? That aside though.. hm. We often minimize our successes or remember invalidating experiences far more than validating ones. It feels wrong to, but explicitly dwelling on how things changed and reminding yourself of explicit examples can help. It's one of the ways in which people journal.>>33511466>i don't know, sorry, i havent weighed myself in a while. that is very good actually. Should have phrased it differently: how are the meal plans working out for you? And yes, that sounds rather flawed a system.. you do need some emotional support at least. Could you remind me of your situation with friends and loved ones? It would help if they could be leaned on.
>>33515659You might already do this but try slugging maybe? Vaseline will trap in moisture overnight and it will also trap your serum and hyaluronic acid in and make it a bit more effective. Vaseline is extremely cheap but won't help too much outside trapping moisture and your products, you can also use the cerave healing ointment or aquaphor is you want something even more hydrating but they are much more expensive. Also it feels gross which sucks if you care about the sensory aspect of skincare. Sorry for talking way too much you probably already know anyway sorry but it could be good if you don't.Also adapalene might be less harsh on your skin than tretinoin but work just as well. And I know that retinoids in general can be very drying so could be worth a shot using something less harsh or using it less idk though.
>>33512228>if the opposite were true wouldn't the path of least resistance bring me to such a life instead of my current one?Unfortunately not, self improvement would be trivial if minimizing moment to moment discomfort would minimize total suffering, if you will. If you imagine discomfort in various scenarios to be a landscape where the height is the amount of suffering experienced, then the path of least resistance can lead you in circles on top of a mountain range, because there may be no path to a valley that does not require you to temporarily accept greater discomfort than an alternative option. Or more simply put: sometimes you need to climb uphill to reach somewhere lower than where you started.> It doesn't feel satisfying if I only managed to brush half of teeth instead of all of them, despite me knowing that it is better than not brushing them at all.That I agree with, some goals are "atomistic" to some extent. You can't really clean less than one plate. It sounds like an executive dysfunction thing, or neurodivergence, more than OCD. But that said keep in mind I am a complete layman. I still struggle to fully wrap my head around the process of your day to day, and where issues arise. Which may answer>What exactly do you mean here anon?What I mean here is: I need to better understand what gets in the way of you doing things. Suppose, for example, you get up in the morning. And your primary goals for self care that day are, say, brushing your teeth twice, eating your meals, and taking a shower. What else would happen on an average day, and what would get in your way doing these things? Like.. walk me through the process.>and I would bet that they will not agree with your take on it.I always love to stand corrected, I am very much capable of being wrong and am keenly aware that anything I can say regarding therapy must come with the disclaimer that I am very much not a pro.
>>33519575The switch charger is actually in the living room so I can use it with the TV. So hard to stop playing for bed time because I just want to finish the dungeon or something and bed times their. It's difficult because like I could just not play but honestly octopath traveller just makes me happy which helps with the mental health spiral.
>>33512268Cute voice! Sorry to hear you struggled with sleep, can relate. Facing anxieties of that kind is difficult, you are doing wonderfully on that front! Sadly, facing them and.. finding ways to explain to the scared animal within ourselves when something is safe, is part of overcoming these things. Happy for you.>>33512723Look at how much you managed to do IN SPITE of all the setbacks. Each semester you progressed consistently in spite of so, so, SO much bullshit, miu. This semester, arguably, must have been the hardest of all. But... as difficult as it is, no matter how many courses you pass this particular semester, not a single one will be as hard as this one, ever again. And look at the past ones! You managed to make progress. You are so close to the finish line, I don't see how you would not manage to finish everything within a year or so if circumstances allow, even if some things fall through this semester. >and was put on academic probation start of year.What does that mean, exactly?>But I'm so tired, I'm alone, I have almost no support.You need more people in your life, 100%. We can't rock your world exactly, but we are rooting for you, I know I am. I believe in you. And it is perfectly fine you need more than that, but.. the things will from now on begin to fall into place, bit by bit. They already are.. and you are so, SO damn close!>>33514560Wonderful, Panty! Hope you have a lovely meal ahead of you.>>33517490Personally? Go with facial hair first I think. Just simple things for now, like a nice clean shave (laser and more complicated stuff you can take care of bit by bit, the goal is incremental progress that doesn't feel daunting <3) and yes, girl clothes too.>Anyway I think I will..at least keep trying to make my skin, hair and health in general better. And go to therapy... And that sounds like a plan!
Each post was ~15 minutes. Interesting... Gotta call it a night though, peeps.>>33519784Dungeons are tricky since they don't have a super well defined duration. But you could try adding a soft limit. "No new run/dungeon past 7pm" if you sleep at 9, for example. Filling the gap of time before bed where you shouldn't game anymore then is gonna suck a bit but having some fallback thing you can stop anytime would mitigate it.
>>33519575>how are the meal plans working out for you?i flip flop following it because i feel too horrible after binging to eat so much, but its stressful. i binged again just now even though i drunk 200ml meal replacement before sleeping like she wanted anyway. its too fucking much i cant do it>friendsnone, want to try doing things, although pretty limited, but its too much with my body being the way it is. only really have mum supportwise and one of my teachers who has experience with anorexic family and is nice to me and helps me. she suggested i consider taking a mental/physical health break from university because of my state and i think i will, the thought of attending my seminar tomorrow and having to exist in public and probably binging again in the middle of the night is fucking killing me. i fucking hate the nighttime i always wake up.and randomly fuck my life up and cant live at all anymore i want it to end, sorry i am fucked. i dont want to recover at all
Called the lgbt family violence place. I've only progressed 1 spot in queue in the month. So now at 5. I don't think I'll get there by end of year and thus have my placed furnished by end of year. It's mad depressing living with stacks of boxes for months. I can't drive my car yet because it's unregistered but will do that tomorrow. But even if I could hauling a bookcase or a tv unit or shelving to my place alone (down a driveway then up stairs) isn't happening. I feel so alone. I have nobody there for me. And I'm going to have to drop out of my graduate diploma. I really wanted to have my place furnished by end of year, been here for 3 1/2 months and it'll be 5 months at years end. I can't stop crying right now. >>33519890thank you. though as much as I want to believe I can do this semester and graduate, I'm cooked I'm done. I have 10000 words to right in a little less than a month and I know that's not happening. >What does that mean, exactly?It means that because of my slow progress on this nominally 2 year part time degree, if I fail a class or take longer than the agreed amount of time with faculty heads then I get kicked out of degree. I had already explained the whole my caring situation with my brother and sister, which is why they granted me til end of this year. They can be quite ruthless especially when I had the meeting with them (broke down and cried a bunch during) so they aren't going to take pity on the homelessness and transitioning aspect ('why didn't you withdraw before census date if you knew you couldn't handle the work being homeless?'). Best I can hope for right now is cut losses, apply for application of late withdrawl and then application for fee remission on grounds of extreme circumstances. But this graduate diploma is done. >You need more people in your lifeintake worker said they'll make some warm referrals to support groups for me. >we are rooting for you, I know I am. it does warm my heart to have this tho, so you know.
So, here’s an update on today. I got preoccupied with other chores before I could cook. I got the eggs cooked, but I’m gonna wait until tomorrow to cook the potatoes. But the big news of the day was that I’ve got until the end of April 2024 to find a new place. That’s when the lease on this apartment is up. My ex / host is moving to Colorado then.That’s a little scary, but that’s almost six months’ notice. I’ve never looked for a place on my own before, but that seems like a good amount of time to figure something out. I can go with my ex and even live with them in Colorado if I want. I’m not ruling it out but I’ll see what my options are. There was a time when a deadline like this would send me spiraling into catastrophic thinking. But this time I realized that’s just not helpful. So instead of agonizing over the uncertainty, I’m going to believe in myself, and trust that there are people that want to help me overcome this challenge.
I keep thinking mean thoughts. I'll see a picture (typically other trans people) and criticize their appearance and make fun of them...but it never leaves my head. It's not a reflection of me being uncomfortable of my own appearance, because I know im well above average looking. I just get angry looking at ugly people, or people who don't pass. typically there is a lot of overlap. I want to be rid of these cruel thoughts...but I think I really am just an evil youngshit like everyone thinks I am.
>>33503323anons how do you get over the hurdle to start voice training? I've been on hrt for 3 years now and I'm pretty sure that my voice is the only barrier left stopping my from passing, but every time I try to voice train or speak in a feminine voice it just feels fake and caricature-like and I stop
Days without smokes: 0Ankis failed: 0/21absolute retard.
>>33523311i keep feeling at my loneliest, i'm just some faggot schizo tranny that should be beaten up to death.i failed siganon who was trying to keep me from smokes. i failed many people.everyone barring anon and my partners, i've been trying to rely on lately have not much interest in helping or don't know how to, which is not their fault at all. i've put myself in this situation and i'm the only one to blame for every bad thing that has happened to me in the last few months. i just want to not exist.have a good day /sig/
>>33523358Hey Junko, it’s okay that you had a smoke. I get why you feel guilty about it, but don’t beat yourself up about it.If that’s how you’ve been feeling lately, it’s no surprise you turned to an old, familiar source of comfort. But every day you go without smoking is a gift to your future self, whether it’s day 1 or day 100. Every single day is a win, not just the big numbers. You can help yourself and be kind to yourself by not smoking tomorrow. I know what it’s like to not feel great about yourself. But it hurts me to see you putting yourself down like that. You are more than the worst things you can think about yourself. It’s tempting to think, in a moment of weakness, that maybe the haters out there are right. Let me remind you, they’re not right. The way they feel about you is unfair. They don’t want to make the world a better place, they want to make it one that doesn’t threaten their ignorance and hatred. Agreeing with them is giving them credit they don’t deserve. Remember, the Nazis didn’t just want to get rid of everyone that wasn’t white, cishetero, able-bodied, etc. They also wanted to get rid of every white person that didn’t have blonde hair and blue eyes. They would have killed each other in the end over hair and eye color. Pull that thread long enough about why you feel ashamed about being different, and the people who want you to feel that way start looking stupid. I hope this helps somebody to read.
>>33522903i think the fact that you don't say any of that stuff and recognize it as cruel and want to stop thinking those things is a really good start. i can't really say that i know how to make those kinds of thoughts go away, but so long as you're careful to not let those thoughts affect your actions i'd still call you a good person, there's no such thing as thoughtcrime.>>33523141>every time I try to voice train or speak in a feminine voice it just feels fake and caricature-likethat's going to happen 100% of the time when you're starting out. idk how effective it would be but you could try doing voice training exercises without vocalizing? or if at all possible you could try and find other people around your skill level to voice train with, it'll probably be less embarrassing if there are others just as bad as you. otherwise the only real advice to give is to recognize that everybody has a starting place and being bad at something you're just starting out in is inevitable and pushing past the embarrassment to do it anyway. that's what i did at least.>>33523311>>33523358relapsing sucks but it's a part of the healing process, progress isn't always linear. you did really good going as far as you did and i'm definitely proud of you for that much. i hope you feel better soon, i honestly think that since you made it that far there's no doubt you'll be able to quit smoking for good. i believe in you!
Copypasting what I wrote for some anon on /sci/, maybe it resonates with some of you here.It honestly doesn't matter, stop looking for examples of people who achieved something with "apparently" little. Those people themselves, most of them aren't even on wikipedia, they went for it because they wanted to, I think it's better to pursue what you think is the right think, than to settle for other things KNOWING that you're settling for it. I've been a dropout neet for many years, wasted them doing nothing and getting nowhere, one day I woke up after realizing that math means something to me, and that the struggle to understand things, which people told me I could never understand and I'm too stupid for, is the fuel I can use to keep striving and yearning for more, without anyone's help and with noone's approval.You're arguably in a much better position than me, so stop looking outwards and start focusing inwards, what is it that you really care about?Because that's what makes you try, gives you a reason to wake up in the morning and something to look forward to when you go to bed. If you care about what others think you will fall victim to this dumb artificial rat race.
>>33519890>Go with facial hair first I think. Just simple things for now, like a nice clean shave (laser and more complicated stuff you can take care of bit by bit, the goal is incremental progress that doesn't feel daunting <3)Honestly...I feel so...attached to it right now that I cant bring myself to shave. Stupid silly stuff I guess. This started a year ago and well before that i ahd no qualms about shaving every other day but now... Idk. I fear I might regret it. That I might hate myself. Weird I know. Any advice to get rid of this?>>33519890>and yes, girl clothes too.Is it weird if I feel less weird about doing this? Feels like something I could *just* do and it could work. Idk. I am looking to buy some lip balm, hand lotion...incremental as you said.I also promised to stop being negative about things as much as possible. Will help me with moving on.
how do you get over the feeling of someone moving on without you? genuine question
>i have nowhere to vent to, so I’m using 4chani genuinely want to kill myself dysphoria and like just depression is getting the best of me. thoughts are getting to me and i honestly don’t want to be here anymorei have no friends and i feel so isolated i wish i was normal but i have a weird brain that makes me want to do things that would socially outcast me im so over it i wish i wasnt a wuss
Crying alot still. Feel like sacrificed so much for everyone else. And now I'll have to sacrifice one of my few joys of academia. I don't have it in me to complete these assessments, I'm too worn down. And I'm so resentful. I'll actually be kicked out and suspended, not even exaggeration. Best to cut losses try to apply for application of late withdrawal without fail mark and apply for fee remission on sympathetic grounds. Possibly get it accredited somewhere else but that would be far off anyway.Was also hoping I would get funding for furniture this year >>33520010 (You) but that looks unlikely, possible but unlikely. Was really hoping I could get both of these done this year, and think I'm grieving the fact I won't be able to. I just want things to be so different. Feeling like I failed but that also I've had so much of my life stolen from me. All these people I was there for and no one showed up for me. Fake allies the lot of them. Their politics is vacuous aesthetic of "inclusive" and "intersectional".idk, I'm sad and I'm resentful. I feel utterly broken.>>33527016I don't have the true answer for you as I'm working on it myself. But right now it seems like you don't 'get over' it more so than you 'dilute' that feeling. You do things for yourself, you fill your life with more of the things you want, you again make your life about you and for you. I was dumped like 8 months ago maybe. I'm still not over it, I will cry over her, wonder if she thinks about me the way I think about her. It's hard, it's really hard. But you'll never be able to force yourself not to care, they meant a lot to you and you hold that because you still have a beating heart capable of deep profound love. I think it's more about learning to turn that inwards again to yourself. idk tho.
>>33527684You've still got time to pull it together. Did Rome get built in a day? Never give up. You owe it to your past, present and future self to give it your all. Try to remember times you've shown it seen strength and courage and remember what your capable of. That's my pep talk for the day hope it helps.
>>33527765i'm trying my best to change the love i feel for her from a romantic partner i wanted to spend the rest of my life with to a friend i see on occasion. it's rough, it's hard to breathe sometimes. She's finding a new life. I try to focus more on myself and life without her, but she tells me the progress she's making on her own and i'm happy for her yet i feel an intense sadness. She's getting better, but I wish i could be by her side.
>>33527940I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my relationship with my boyfriend after he cheated on both me and my now ex girlfriend, and she's gone. It's hard for me to forgive him, but things are going well and I want to believe things will be better. But not having her to help me through it leaves me feeling lost and alone.
A long, long nap later.>>33519995Oh yes, that must be frustrating. On the bright side.. the binging WILL stop soon enough if you stick to the meal plan. I am sorry it takes so long, but I have faith in it. They will slowly get your body back to peak performance, which will slowly put you back in control of these things in turn. Yes, a break sounds perfect. Focus on healing. >, sorry i am fucked. i dont want to recover at allperfectly normal feelings.. I told you, it will be scary and uncomfortable at times. But.. it will get easier. I have seen ana peeps recover with my own eyes, I promise it won't be like this forever, that the binging will go away as your intake increases. I'm damn proud of you, anon. >want to try doing things, although pretty limited, but its too much with my body being the way it is.what things you got in mind?>>33520010Ah Christ.. it would be such a shame if they fucked you over so close to the finish line for what ultimately is a triviality. It is such a complete waste of talent treating people this far into their career as expendable resources, the sheer hubris of it never fails to upset me, I've seen it a lot in the US in my time there.>>33520258Welcome to the 6 month club, I have a place for the same time frame starting December, when I finally no longer have to rely on airbnbs. I can tell you from experience that the worst part about hunting for a place usually is that for a good while initially you get a lot of quiet rejections (assholes just not responding), or people keeping you waiting just to reject you later. That can be quite defeating, but remember that this whole thing is ultimately a numbers game. You might also sometimes seem to "luck out", only to find that the place they are trying to sell you on is a moldy rat hole. All of this can happen, and may, and is normal. You will do absolutely amazing in spite of that, promise.
>>33523311>>33523358At the time of writing this it is 5 minutes past midnight. Welcome back to day 1 without smokes.I believe in you, Junko. It will get better/easier again. That is all I have to say.>>33522903You're not evil at all, no. This is just something akin to habituated negativity. You have probably been exposed to a lot of comments of that nature, and they cling to you. Now they are on autoplay in your head. Your "mental shitfilter" is clearly working, you notice there is something wrong about them, and that makes you feel bad. You are a bad person for having them, it is indicative of being a good person you resist them. Getting rid of them is likely possible, but advising you how to is not exactly my forte (let's face it, 90% of the things I tell people is outside my area of competence but this feels particularly far). Since you seem to harbor genuine anger on top, that makes you likely cling to these thought patterns, it would likely be a good idea to understand where the anger is coming from.>>33525764There is beauty to your sentiment, anon. I can't help but smile at it. You are simultaneously the kind of person that made me enjoy teaching within academia AND the reason I knew I could never be a school teacher: because outside of university people like you are in far too limited supply.
>>33526959First of all let me start with how damn proud I am of you chipping away at your internal barriers and leaving your comfort zone. From where I stand, you are taking beautiful steps in the right direction. And I want you to know that your efforts are seen and appreciated. Definitely try these things out, experiment, and I hope at least some will pleasantly surprise you.As for shaving. Three things on that matter for now, and I can think a little harder about it if you feel like a different approach may be necessary. First.. you can start small and trim! That is an easily revertible change, but it would not be quite indicative of the final outcome. However, it is a far smaller commitment and can be just as easily undone as it can be escalated. Next, shaving legs is fem (my own personal preferences on the matter being unconventional I suppose, I like girls with fluff) and is easily hidden under clothes, esp in winter. Thirdly.. a word of assurance. I don't know you too closely, but everything I recall from you does not point in the direction that you would hate the person in the mirror looking back at you after a shave. We as humans are super sensitive to facial recognition obviously, it's hardcoded, and the sight would be strange, alien, maybe scary. But I don't think you will feel resentment. And even if it ends up feeling wrong initially, bear in mind it would only be a growing pain, and if it proves too much/too soon, it would take not to long for even a full shave to grow back.>>33527016>>33527940if I may chime in.. it sounds like a thing you are missing is successes to share with her. Something you can respond to when she is telling you of her progress. Which is a very unfulfilling feeling. Maybe it's your need for having a measure of progress of your own? Maybe you need a project that means something to you.
I exercise today so that's goodI'm also tracking how much time I spend on my phone so that's also goodI'll be talking with my therapist tomorrow
>>33523141Decide in advance how long you want to practise, set a timer, and then focus on doing the exercises until it runs out. Don't criticize your performance, just try to do the exercises however you can. If you get a negative thought, don't ruminate, think something like "and that's okay, I'm learning" and keep going until the timer runs out. Then reward yourself for doing a good job.First you practise practising, then you practise for real.
>>33527123>that makes me want to do things that would socially outcast me do you mean just transitioning or other things, too? Do you feel forced into repping? I would love some context here.>>33527765>idk, I'm sad and I'm resentful. I feel utterly broken.I understand. If that really is the only option thanks to the shittiness of the system.. then I am deeply, deeply sorry, miu. It sucks. I am sure you can find happiness, and as you said even an alternative route even, with the accrediting and all. But yes, if that is how it has to go down you are right to feel robbed. If you allow me a complete aside:I.. have a very complicated set of thoughts and feelings these days on the subject of biological family. I was raised by a mother who always told me to practically leave her behind should I ever need to because "the elders should not get in the way of the next generation, their time is up". She was rather extreme on that front. Throughout my life, I have met dozens of people who were held back by their families. Crabs in a bucket. There were times when I was younger I grew resentful of the very idea of biological family and rejected the notion almost altogether, seeing my own small family (parts of which my mother had to keep me the hell away from for her above reasoning) as a freak coincidence. The early 20 something guy that thought that way mellowed out since, by a considerable margin.. but in the end, I still cannot shake the belief I was raised with. Because I too will have children one day, and I too will want to be left behind by them when the time comes if it means their freedom. All of this is just a bit of... context when I say: you deserve better. And by god, you WILL receive better. As hard as it is, do not give up, there is a debt that is owed to you.>AlliesOn the topic of extreme beliefs, I am not fond of the term "ally". You put it very well, it is not a movement, not even a mindset or reliable qualifier, it is an aesthetic. And that I resent.
I haven't posted clownpiece in a long, long while.It's nai nai for me though.>>33529614Glad to hear, anon! I hope it will be a productive meet, feel free to share how it went.
i enroll for college classes today and i'm nervousalso been feeling the struggle lately but i don't really care too much right now desu, as long as it doesn't get too bad i'm just gonna be riding with it
Should I get a rowing machine for cardio exercise? They seem like a pretty good option, why don't more girls use them?
>>33519575>Big disclaimer in advance, I'm cis so my ability to help may be limited.That's ok, cis person. it's genuinely nice of you to ask.>Could you be a bit more specific or would you be uncomfy saying these things here?I'm trying to get pregnant and have a kid, as someone who looks like a guy and has lived as one for a very long time now. It's funny, it's the first time in a long time I've felt any of the shame I did in the early years--or given a fuck what >how so, like.. memories resurfacing? I suppose a good way to think about it may be trying to overcome abuse related trauma, at least when looking for applicable advice online outside of /sig/. Because ultimately, that is what it was. People being abusive cunts. What does your support network look like? That aside though.. hm. We often minimize our successes or remember invalidating experiences far more than validating ones. It feels wrong to, but explicitly dwelling on how things changed and reminding yourself of explicit examples can help. It's one of the ways in which people journal.Well, the memories have always been there. I just shoved them down in order to move on with my adult life. I think they come up again every now and then, when something sets them off.I do have a few old friends who are very amenable to me discussing the whole pregnancy and parenting journey, and a supportive medical team. It's the abuse and hangups related to that that I'm not super comfortable talking to friends about. I thought they weren't going to be super relevant but apparently they're becoming relevantJournaling is very legit as a coping skill. I used to do it in the form of comics or prose poems. should get back to that.
*given a fuck what my family (would have) thought or any of this
realizing i'm completely unqualified for any mle jobsi might just have to give it up and try to get a mastersunfortunately i did so horribly in undergrad i doubt any respectable MS program would take me, and i also don't really know who would even give me any letters of rec since i'm not really close to any of my professorsi really fucked my life up lol
shaved my face today. first time i've seen my face since high school and it instantly filled me with self-loathing lmao, i've really gained weight since then. the silver lining is that it gave me a lot of motivation to double down on my weight loss efforts, actually counting calories and increasing the intensity of my workout routine. if i was doing worse it probably would have harmed my motivation but i'm glad i'm in a place where i feel capable of doing something about it.
Days without smokes: -1Ankis failed: 0/21thanks for everyone's responses to my fuckup, i appreciate you all, sorry for being kind of a failure
I can squat 170lbs now :)
>>33533302relapsing sucks it does. I also want to point out that you did as a matter of immutable objective fact do 100+ days of sobriety. You did that, it was done, it is a fact that you are capable of doing so, and can do so again. Maybe not right away, that's understandable, but if the fail condition is never ever again til I die, then it is a success which only met after living itself. That you had a smoke (and may continue for a bit longer) it not a failure. But I also understand if fucking sucks and my heart goes out to you. >>33527940it's cliche but time will make this easier. I'm not sure how long its been for you but even if its a week, a month, a year, it doesn't really matter because the fact is you loved that person and trying to think your way out of it has to content with that really real fact. I agree with siganon that you need something for yourself that you can measure progress for yourself. And it won't mean that you won't not want to share that success with her, I wish I could tell my ex that after years of telling her I wanted my own place that I finally did I still want her to know that I could be okay and it hurts not to be able to, but even without being able, which hurts, I still have at the end of the day something of my own, a thing which is my own without the validation as much as I would love that.>but she tells me the progress she's making on her own and i'm happy for her yet i feel an intense sadnessI honestly can't imagine how difficult this must be. As much I want to say you should probably try to no contact her, I get it, I fucking get. If my exgf didn't drop me like a sack of bricks this is what I would have wanted, to have her in my life because she meant and still means a lot to me. I really do think the best way isn't going to be THINKING your way out of it (recasting, re-contextualizing the relationship) but by DOING things for yourself, continuing to fill YOUR life with YOUR things. Its hard tho I get that.
>>33533302Only those who don't try never fail
>>33528990I have an appointment with one of the uni advisors (full title gender affirming advisor but they do more than that) to explore my options. like maybe there's a case that could be made to keep me in but right now I'm not even banking on it or even like want that. Even if they'd let me stay another semester to try again I don't know if I could do that again. I feel so worn out.>>33529848I feel so conflicted about my family. Because on one hand I understand they aren't maliciously selfish people, we are a broken family: my father died when I was a year old, me and my younger brother never knew him, and my older sister were like 6 and 7. We grew up poor and have our whole lives had to rely on each other. My mother is just utterly emotionally unavailable and was at times abusive but I sympathise with her too, like having to raise 4 children as a migrant and the man you loved died, it's fucked. And so I look around at them and I see broken people, not evil or malicious just broken and trying. And I wanted to be there for them because I do love them and I know they love me, but I don't think they care for or about me. I know now that I need to separate from them and to be honest rn I feel like I never want to speak to them again. To transition, get money and just go as far away as possible. Maybe they can get updates from the sister I still talk to. I just wish I didn't have to be forged in a crucible of immense pain, hurt, trauma and betrayal. Dysphoria is already hard enough.
bump from page 10
i'm so depressed i just want to never wake up again. i was supposed to travel to my boyfriend a week ago to be with him, but then i fucked it all by not planing the trip on my end and by smoking a ton of weed. now i can't even travel either because my passport was thrown away by my mom, so i have to wait while getting a new one which i can't even do because i also spent the last of my money on weed. not to mention i don't have a job or friends, and i can't even take care of myself. i’ve probably showered once in the last week and i haven't had any clean laundry for at least the past two weeks.im basically in a groundhog day where i wake up in my bed, watch tv i don't enjoy, play video games i don't enjoy, and then go to sleep. everyday i wake up and think that i should just sui so this cycle can stop. what do i do? what am i even supposed to do? please i need help, i just want to be happy....
My post was too long but I wrote out a bunch of my feelings, actions Im going to take, and little things Ive already done to make myself feel a bit better. Had a pretty bad breakdown about my body, PTSD, and loneliness. I'm going to:>get a diary to write down my feelings so they dont leak into my socials & for general self awareness>bring my miniature scale with me to measure food whenever i have to go outside>start up my daily walk to the gym and cardio againI want to recognize my efforts, too, I've:>been expressing myself through art and posting it on socials and communicating with others instead of vidya>made a connection with another trans person that has inspired me to pursue a career in something that I think matters>fixed up certain aspects of my sleeping hygiene
page 10? not for long
Had a nice dinner, then napped until 11.>>33530644Things can be tough and scary, b.. super happy about the update! How was it?>>33531092I dunno why they are not particularly more or less popular than other options but the general sentiment I know is that the best cardio option is the one most convenient for you, as they are all considered basically equivalent. As in, it does not really matter what you seek to build endurance with, so absolutely go for what is best for you.>>33531132>>33531234>I'm trying to get pregnant and have a kid, Ohh, only recently we had an ftm here that went through that too, I can imagine how that does not jive at all with dysphoria and brings back bad memories.> I thought they weren't going to be super relevant but apparently they're becoming relevantI get it now, unresolved trauma really is the core of it then. I do think journaling will help, and I feel like the whole ordeal will likely force you to engage with old wounds and demons you filed away and bottled up. Resolving trauma is difficult, we have some things on it but ultimately it is a deeply personal thing, maybe, given you have some confidants, being able to share the innermost things that haunt you can already be a release. Having some that understand, if you feel they won't be overwhelmed with it, not everyone can handle all subjects equally. But then again that is why we give disclaimers.>>33532646I think to sort these things out a competent therapist on one hand and a competent career counselor would do absolute wonders for you, the more I think about it. You have a rather clear set of emotional wants and needs and you struggle with realizing them.>>33534270Awesome, anon! Continuous progress, do you keep a record of when you hit which milestone?
>>33529962it went fine, we talked about socialization and what not. it didn't get too personal.
>>33533302Failure is not a state of being, it is the outcome of an action. It does not define you. >>33535743>even if they'd let me stay another semester to try again I don't know if I could do that again. I feel so worn out.Last year left me so burnt out from everything, I can 100% relate. In january I had a low point where I did not even know if I wanted to give academia a chance at all anymore. The one thing that kept me going was.. ultimately a wager. I thought to myself: "I am presented with an opportunity now, for something I have wanted for a long time but no longer do on emotional grounds thanks to the amount of strife I experienced. I can either take the opportunity as if I still felt like doing it, and see if I succeed. If I succeed, it might make me want it again, which is a win. If I don't succeed, I am granted the closure of having tried and maybe move on from it without regrets." And that was the wager I personally accepted. It's a very personal one, and I cannot tell you if my pov and feelings at the time can be transferred to your situation, but maybe it is a good start?>>33538327> my passport was thrown away by my momhow? Whatever led to that needs serious squashing.>im basically in a groundhog day yes, being stuck in a cycle like that is very classic depression shit. What you describe is, ultimately, a psychological addiction to weed paired with regular depression. There are a few things that immediately spring to mind: the most condensed conceivable answer is that what you experience is that the path of least resistance leads straight into a downward spiral, so you will have to experience discomfort and so scary and mildly uncomfy things to get out, your willpower and mental energy however are low at the moment, so the beginning will have a lot of hiccups. The video on misery gives you a very basal understanding of issues tend to refer to as brain chemistry bullshit. There are things that make us miserable because we are wired that way.
>>33538327>>33541174cont.I tend to start with people like you to try and make sense of your situation. There are a couple of pointers:1) productivity is a human need. Your brain does not give a crap that the clock moves forward, it won't remember 1 year as 1 year but a blur of key experiences. The more similar your days are and the less quantifiable things you have to distinguish them, the worse this gets. The less you learn or progress in anything (meaning is made, so it does not have to be big a thing at all) the worse the sensation gets. I always first try to help people find things they need to address that are quantifiable and easily tracked.2) apart from brain chem bs there are issues that got you there that are in a sense more rationally reasoned. It can be neurodivergence, or a shitty environment, lack of friends as you mentioned is a thing too, or self loathing, untreated other conditions like dysphoria. I hence also tend to ask people of their unmet needs, and try to order them by urgency (not importance, urgency), using maslov's pyramid (>>33503842).3) Once there's a clear general idea what your unmet needs are, and what things might just go away with habit forming, I try to help people weave these things into small, clear, actionable steps in the beginning. You need a few small Ws as a life line. The beginning is always slow, cherish the tiny successes cause the big ones are way more easy once you have ramped up with small steps long enough. Do not let what I say overwhelm you. All this will, in the beginning, condense back down to a few small tasks that seem too small to have any impact. But.. this is a marathon. Just by keeping on making steps and speaking up when you feel yourself standing still, success will be inevitable. It is in the nature of depression not to feel like it will be, but doing what comes naturally when depressed will always, ALWAYS lead you in the circle you know and hate.
>>33540970it was okay, i'm more just nervous for when the term starts, i haven't been to school in years bc of my health and i'm really anxious about all the peoplei'm going to see a counselor and get acquainted with the campus tomorrow though
Running outta juice once more.>>33537586>>33540222Much appreciated btw!>>33538432It is perfectly fine to make more than one post in succession by the way. ideally have #2 reply to #1 so it makes following easier but other than that it's always A-OK. I mean, I constantly blow up the 2k char limit responding to people. That sounds all absolutely wonderful, anon! You're doing good.. I know it can be difficult to feel like that's the case but you are. I'm proud of you. What would you like to do next? How do you feel about things?>>33540984A good start. Something you would like to tell them but dunno how? Or something you would like to express to a non-therapist?>>33541368I wish you all the best for tomorrow as well then! I hope it will be nice. I have to suffer through a presentation tomorrow I cobbled together this week, progress report.
>>33541690good luck tomorrow friend, sending good vibes
goodnight bump
What do you think the very first set of steps to crawling out of misery is, /sig/?I think the very first thing is personal hygiene and then, almost simultaneously, cleaning your place.
heyo, nanon here, been gone for a bit while being down in the dumps a bit. I hope everyone's doing as well as they can reasonably. I'm just going to do outloud thinking here since this is a place that feels nice to and it encourages me to.I feel like I'm starting to maybe shift away from looking to please others, since, it just doesn't really feel that good anymore. Everyone is busy in their own lives, and I can't really imagine there being room for people to really, truly be proud of things I might do. Definitely it's not sustainable for small goals. Additionally, I feel like I recognize that I'm ultimately trying to solve something through outside that's an inside problem. Others validation sort of bridges the gap internally for me but, it just is too delicate to rely on. It works perfectly well as a solution sure, but the cards aren't really laid out in a way that it's viable for me currently at least. So, if I'm going to start being my own judge, it really feels like a completely different dynamic internally(not that I'll switch instantly, who knows if this thought pattern will stay really)suddenly other people are a lot, *lot* less important, and I feel much more alone in a way. But I also feel much more in touch with myself too.what do I want? what will make *me* happy? lots of thoughts I thought I had regularly but I guess I never took seriously. Honestly, I probably never really was satisfied with the validation I think internally.I guess I wqnt to transition right and not become too distant to friends, if I even keep this up. it was a long ramble, but it was nice to write it out.Runs begin again tomorro, might yoga tonight, going on a walk now.Good luck all n sleep well
>>33543757also I agree with this, your body, and your space in a way are tied to yourself so if they're in good condition, somehow I feel a little raised up every time I see either.
i spend every day doing nothing not employed not doing my schoolwork barely any friends. i'm 23 i just keep getting older and too lazy and scared of the world and being happy to do better. got an adderall prescription today though so hopefully that helps.
any good way to improve memory and attention span?
>>33543964Yes, totally. When I'm in exam weeks my apartment looks like a Balkan country. But then I deep-clean it and it makes like 50% of my stress go away. It's like therapy.>>33543979Why do you do that, anon? >>33543997Read "A Mind for Numbers" by Barbara Oakley and "Deep Work" by Cal Newport. They have some good tips, the one that particularly caught my attention was active recall for studying, very appropriate since it was often the fact that I needed to read and take notes repeatedly about the same subject that made me procrastinate. You can also look up James Clear's articles on self-improvement, they're in the thread's resources link, he has an interesting article about "choice architecture."
>>33543997meditation, i've been meaning to start a practice
>>33543757those are good, but it's important not to hold yourself to a yet impossible standard, if you slip up and miss hygiene things when you should do them, don't be overly harsh on yourself, it's a process. the same goes for cleaning your place. it'll probably take some time, you may have to do it in chunks, and it's okay if you can't do it all at once.next "easy" step would be internal awareness and reframing your thoughts. be conscious of what you are feeling and thinking, if you notice yourself slipping or you have a strong emotion, accept it as it is, and be aware of it, eventually working towards looking for what lead up to it, and give yourself the time to allow it to pass. if you have frequent negative thoughts about yourself (that like internal critic voice) try to "respond" to it, and think of a way to phrase what that feeling towards yourself is with a neutral tone, accept the feeling, and be aware of it. the longer you work on changing what that critical voice says, the more natural it feels, and simply because of how brains work, it will be less frequent, and the words of your critic will become neutral and reasonable rather than "you're a stupid fucking idiot who can't do anything right" it becomes "i made a mistake (optional "because of [whatever]") and that's okay, i can do better next time" (cheesy kinda lame example but you get it) and those negative feelings towards yourself become less intense.i know it sounds like a lot, it doesn't happen all at once, and will take time and effort, remember to give yourself grace, you are literally changing the structure of your brain, but it will be okay. and it will be worth it.
made it about a week this time and then relapsed with sh.
any tips on how someone in a more conservative environments can make more queer irls?
Days without smokes: -2Ankis failed: 2/18
>>33545016a week is still good progress, setbacks and relapses happen, and i'm sorry you're dealing with that right now. but pick yourself up and dust yourself off because you still have more fight in you. experience what you're experiencing, accept that it happened, and keep going .i'm proud of you for making it as far as you did and i can't wait to see you go farther
>>33545204How many cigs a day are you having?
i've seen this thread in the catalog for a few months, but i have never clicked it until nowugh, i want to turn my life around, but it's so hard. i feel like i have so few hours in the day after work. how do i cope with this?
>>33545968i just bought one pack, i'm gonna go dry again once i'm done with it. smoking between 6 and 8 a day, will most likely be done with the pack today.
>>33546108Ganbatte, hope you stick to it this time, smoking sucksDo the people around you know you started again? What do they think of it?
>>33546149yeah, no point in hiding it. gf was the most disappointed. others took it better.
>>33529547>And even if it ends up feeling wrong initially, bear in mind it would only be a growing pain, and if it proves too much/too soon, it would take not to long for even a full shave to grow back.yeah i need to at least trim it down as much as possible. Nobody likes an aunkpempt beard. And it would maybe lead me to just taking it off. Gosh such a stuuuupid mental block eh.I had it good all those years I was clean shaven but did nothing to reduce my repression, just coped with the usual copes.Speaking of whcih I had some talks with friends and tranners and I am slowly starting ot think I might enbycope at least at the start. Dunno what it matters. Mostly I guess I dont really think of myself as a transowman/girl/etc so I am going for the closest thing.Rumbling aside...really need to do something about my job. I was put full time again and I need to go back to part time, this is getitng rediculous. Retail fucking jobs EAT up all your time. I want it back damn it. Ugh.I am procrastinating a few things now all because I cant focus when I have the overhang of this job in my head.
bumpo n goal of begin run + yoga again
>>33545297Thanks for the encouragements as always feels nice. I've also been working on not letting shame get the better of me. I'm honestly feeling a lot less down even though I did relapse. maybe I'll make it atleast 2 weeks this time :). Also I was able to stay sober in the aftermath of the relapse so that's a big improvement!
>>33519744Hello again devil/succubus lady. Sorry for not getting back to you in a while I couldn't get the energy and focus to reply to your excruciatingly kind post(s). They are kind because you chose to bother with a loser like me (:>need to climb uphill to reach somewhere lower than where you startedI don't get this. Don't all the benefits of self-improvement disappear once you stop maintaining them? So if I managed to get to a lower altitude then the one I'm currently on (through going uphill and what have you not), but then start living like shit again and follow the path of least resistance, it due to being the path of least resistance won't lead me anywhere uphill and will instead make me remain on that new altitude that I reached. But that doesn't happen irl does it? As, as soon as you stop caring about your improvements in life they start to degrade and therefore lead you atop a mountain range again. And I don't think that I can be bothered to maintain anything right now. So only a continuous effort will lead me to enjoy a lower altitude but I cannot output such an effort because I am specifically looking to live on that lower altitude because I want to not have to put in any effort at all. So I really doubt that not following the path of least resistance will allow me to live more lazy.
>>33519744>>33548433>brushing your teeth twice, eating your meals, and taking a showerWaaay too much work! I stopped showering and brushing teeth ever since I lost interest in my hobbies (about a week ago). I just don't feel up for it, it's not a pleasant experience, and doesn't seem of importance right now. I just don't *feel* like doing them. I currently stay in my bed a lot, take my meds, eat whatever mom has cooked, wash hands, and browse 4chan. Occasionally I hang out with my brother, but that's it.But I kind of feel my interest returning a bit I think. So that would mean then that I should start tackling my OCD first, meaning finding a job so that I can save up to buy myself essentially a new room because the current one is too *dirty* to dabble in my interest in less they become corrupted. During the best days I would only take showers and brush teeth every three days as a daily routine is too exhausting.
>>33548390we love that for you
>>33541174>>33541325>how? Whatever led to that needs serious squashing.i was living in a half way house for about three months. during my time there i got into a ldr with a guy who lives in europe, i'm from the states. the first time my mom heard about him she threw my passport away because she didn't want me leaving the states. it was thrown out 2 months ago, i didn't even find out until last week>yes, being stuck in a cycle like that is very classic depression shit...thank you so much for all the advice you're giving me, it's very helpful. i know you are probably very busy, but could you please add me on discord, i need help and i'm still struggling so hard and your post is very long. sorry, i'm just having a hard time. my discord is ashwoolley05. thank you for helping, sorry
>>33503323>Talking to people is a human needamen, also feeling understoodit feels so good to have irl friendly people that don't feel disappointed in you, I'm truly grateful for having been given this opportunity
>>33548449>brushing teethnta but if you can occasionally do a 2-3 min brush before bed, that already helps reduce some of the damage our post-agricultural-revolution diet does to them. I wish I'd started earlier (only did mornings, no floss), but then again my mom was in an even worse situation iirc, so I imagine she's happy that we improved with the next generation
>>33545993what things in your life do you feel are lacking, and what would you like them to become?
>>33548390hell yeah, it's that exact (gradual) change in mentality that I feel might be key for making the relapses less and less frequent, and building up mental resilience
I wish that my health anxiety didn't ruin so many promising daysI had a lot of productive plans for today but a tightness in my stomach after exercising made me spend the day in the bathroom for fear of puking
went outside today and asked about some jobs instead of just rotting in bed and playing Second Life and gooning like I do every day. actually filled out a paper application and everything. bought a semi fancy face wash as a treat for myself. still wore the ‘tism headphones because I can’t seem to stand to be alone with my thoughts but at least I got out of the house today. I haven’t gone walking the last few days because my schizoid symptoms started to flare pretty intensely. tomorrow I’ll actually go for a walk, probably, if my phone service isn’t shut off.
I'm considering going to a LGBT youth group tomorrow, just to hang out. The age range is 18 to 24. I'm kind of scared. I'm a boymoder with unironic autism so I'm pretty awkward. I just don't know what else to do; I'm really lonely and I have a hard time making friends.
>get weighed for non-ED medical thing, tell them i have anorexia, nurse is really nice and says she wont tell me, writes it down on paper >clown doctor says it out loud like 5 times and says a bunch of psychedamaging thingsi feel ok now but i was in bed for a whole day in pain. i thought about reporting him just to hopefully fuck him over. jesus>>33528990>what things you got in mind? thought about going to local music stuff, theres one that plays lots of punk, metal, hardcore music only a 5 minute train from where i do drawing lessons, would probably just fall asleep in a corner and be exhausted but i like music! thought about ice skating too, but not sure if my legs can take italthough it can be hard to meet people even in music or sports stuff unless you engage with randoms, im looking into clubs but i just dont know if i can really interact with other humans wellmy university support people are helping me look which is nice, right now we are dealing with academic stuff though! its been really helpful so far which actually surprised me a lot
>>33541856It went well.>>33543947Hope you had a good rest, and it sounds like you are figuring thing out perfectly fine on your own. If you want thoughts on anything in particular, do tell though.>>33543979It can help, although you may need some help cultivating motivation, as strange as it sounds. What that means is.. even without ADHD it is very easy to end up rotting if there is nothing that we force ourselves to do, and no structure to our day. Be wary of that. We also have gained a good couple of ADHD resources recently, if you are interested.>>33543997Hmm.. I can add those books to the resource page if you can give me a quick summary what you might consider to be useful about them, a small summary or something of the sort so people know what they are getting into.>>33545016AWESOME, anon! Don't give up after a stumble though, soon it will be another week streak, even more maybe! I'd love to hear from you again, the first few days will be the hardest, don't shy away from speaking up even if you relapse a few times.>>33545079Normally from what I have picked up from some anons from eastern euro countries at least there tend to be comparably closely knit communities in environments like that, the issue really is to find the fuckers. It's actually a reoccurring thing I keep struggling to make a sensible rec for in these threads, but the best I can come up with is scout online spaces for communities from your area, but I don't feel like that is an amazing suggestion.. if anyone could chime in it would be amazing.>>33545204Almost back on track!>>33546250I feel like I was a bit of a nuisance, but I hope I wasn't hurtful. >>33545993So time management is your core issue, likely paired with a lack of energy. It strongly depends on what type of person you are. If you love your time tables and have an easy time sticking to them, planning can work. If the mental overhead would just exhaust you, habit forming can help a great deal.
>>33540970>a competent therapistvery expensivei really need to find a new psychiatrist for meds again. adhd meds are nice but my anxiety is crazy high again>career counselori don't really think that's a thing here>You have a rather clear set of emotional wants and needs and you struggle with realizing them.what do you think those are?
>>33546501Mental blocks always are like this, so don't beat yourself up too much.You're making some real progress recently it seems, both mentally as well as on a more practical level. I'm sure you'll manage to resolve the job thing, but remember to also take the time to dwell on your progress, you are doing good!>>33548433You can just call me OP or /sig/anon.>. Sorry for not getting back to you in a while I couldn't get the energy and focus to reply to your excruciatingly kind post(s)That is fine, I know you are low energy, take the time you need!>because you chose to bother with a loser like me (:Oh shush. Please know there is not a gram of pity in my words or thinking. What matters to me is not loser or not, it's you're a human being and you struggle. The rest is, unless context makes it relevant, secondary.>. Don't all the benefits of self-improvement disappear once you stop maintaining them?No, not quite. You make the fundamental error that you think that as you progress things that are arduous to you right now will not eventually become trivial to you. In that sense there are hysteresis/path dependence effects. But let's keep the physics out of this, hell I could probably try and crank out differential equations with properties that fit the analogy better but let's not.
>gay>still tries to improoovYou people can't be serious
>>33548449> and doesn't seem of importance right now I do think there is more than just not feeling it unimportant on this particular subject but I really need to stress something about this kind of reasoning in particular that is super important. What you do and do not feel relevant moment to moment is precisely what has led you where you are, and will continue to. You will at times have to do things you don't *feel* like doing moment to moment, because if you had no aversion to at least a few things necessary of getting you out of the spiral, you would not be inside of the spiral. That is not meant as an accusation. It's a trivial matter of survivorship bias. It's basic conditional probability. The probability of you having to fight yourself on some fronts for a while is 100%. But neither on all at once, nor forever. Whatever internal resistances you have that get in the way can be exhausted.> I would only take showers and brush teeth every three days as a daily routine is too exhausting.this is very important info.>the current one is too *dirty* to dabble in my interestand so is this. It seems like the state of your room is draining you more than a lack of self care, so let me laser focus on that for a second. Do you feel your current room unsalvageable? How? That seems concerning.>>33550471Your mom is fucking mental, anon. I am sorry to hear. So i take it she plays a major role in your current emotional state? We can chat for a bit, if you wish, sure.>>33551443Oh absolutely! Feeling like people get you, a sense of belonging. So, so important. I am happy to hear you are blessed with loved ones that make you feel this way. >>33552212Hmm.. sounds like some severe anxiety or hypochondria even. Have you ever sought treatment for it?>>33552525Let people know, and if they have any sense it is absolutely worth a shot! I hope you'll have plenty of fun, even if it may be a little scary/awk at first
>>33552455Awesome, milky! I don't think we talked before. Don't get discouraged if a fair amount of applications go nowhere, unfortunately trial and error crap is only really won by a shitton of trial with a majority of error. It's great you are getting back in the ring!>>33552648> i thought about reporting him just to hopefully fuck him over. jesuswhat an absolute shitlord. Sorry you went through that.>thought about going to local music stuffthat sounds awesome! Hope you give it a shot and enjoy it. As for the ice skating, I actually have no clue how it compares to rollerskating in terms of required motorics but it's a thing I actually tried for an afternoon or two and I think there was a low enough barrier to entry for that that you could just try it out with borrowed equip for a few afternoons with a coach.>my university support people are helping me look which is nice, right now we are dealing with academic stuff though! its been really helpful so far which actually surprised me a lotThat's wonderful news, maybe you also find some nice people on campus in general!>>33553711>i don't really think that's a thing herehuh.. are you certain? >what do you think those are?oh you are asking someone with a terrible memory to recount details on the spot, heh.. The most immediately striking and obvious ones are of course matters of dysphoria and self actualization. You need an outlet for the tranner aspects of you, you want/need to have some meaning to your work for it to not be emotionally draining. I do feel like you enjoy tinkering, but don't have the patience or energy to develop theory, at least not for its own sake. Am I on the money thus far?>>33554004Welcome back, anon. No matter how supremely homosexual you are, I am sure you can improve, too.
>>33554020>Hmm.. sounds like some severe anxiety or hypochondria even. Have you ever sought treatment for it?I totally do have some kind of mild hypochondria. For the record, I'm the same guy who was freaking out about cloudy urine a few days ago. I'm... kind of working on getting a doctor, which is to say that I asked a few close people if their doctors are taking new patients, and got no "yes" answers.
struggling with thoughts of relapse (both ED and SH) with college on the horizon, my anxiety is insane, and i'm worried about balancing work and school with a body that hardly works and a brain that's not much betteri don't think i'm looking for solutions or anything rn i just... really needed to vent, it's tough to not get swept away in the anxiety especially because the future of my education is based on how well i manage to balance all of these things
>>33554246>huh.. are you certain?i've never heard of a "career counselor", so i don't know what kind of person you're describing>I do feel like you enjoy tinkering, but don't have the patience or energy to develop theory, at least not for its own sake. Am I on the money thus far?i don't really know myself. i think i just feel pretty hopeless and am trying to cope through meaningalso i probably have debilitating adhd since i barely can keep myself afloat>>33554440>I totally do have some kind of mild hypochondria.same. i've seen doctors for absolutely nothing more times than i'd like to admit
>>33553407>We also have gained a good couple of ADHD resources recently, if you are interested.I am interested. Do you mean the ones in the OP?
>>33503323>perfectly reasonable passing femboy body with pretty minor tells (shoulders, jaw)>bouncing between whether or not I should transition for years>nearly 30 now, asian genes being the only thing keeping me from being punished by age>my only motivation to dress nicely or even transitioning is to look pretty and appealing for strangers in real life and on the internetI've never been able to think about what I really want for myself, because I've spent my entire life chasing peer acknowledgment. What do I do? Where can I find "me"? Or should I just bite the bullet and keep chasing people, because it's comfortable to me?
>>33554440>For the record, I'm the same guy who was freaking out about cloudy urine a few days ago.BTW you'll never guess what just fucking happenedI'm getting fucking sick of this game
Last Friday and Saturday nights, I got really drunk and high on both weed and salvia. I haven't done it again since, nor have I been that tempted to. Given the last part of that statement, I don't think I'm addicted. Not physically, at the very least. I guess it's a good thing I was so hungover it made me feel feverish multiple nights in a row. Positive punishment to condition me against drinking and smoking.
>>33557134you will drink and smoke again, you are addicted.
>>33557308Well yeah I'm gonna do it again. It's fun. Until it's not. And besides, I have a new friend coming over on Monday that I met on a Discord server I found on this board, and I'm gonna get drunk and play The Binding of Isaac: Repentance and modded Mario Kart Wii (I downloaded a mod with like, over 500 custom tracks) with them. But I won't smoke, probably. And I think instead of chugging my usual single extremely high proof drink for the sole purpose of getting WASTED, I'll make a pitcher of 8.14% ABV spiked kool aid. It'll be cool.
>>33557402careful, dont get raped. alcohol and a random person from 4chan sounds like a bad deal.btw 8% abv is enough to get drunk if you drink it too fast. especially if its a cocktail because then you don't even understand if you are drinking alcohol until its too late.t. retard who got drunk on cocktails too many times
How do I get rid of feelings for someone? It's a friend of mine and I really really don't want to have them it makes me feel disgusting and dysphoric because it's something women complain about boys doing all the time and its just really inconvenient for me to think about. Not worried I'm gonna confess to them or anything, I just don't want to think about it anymore.
>>33557478whats wrong? you know you can just start to think about someone else.
>>33557428Well, they're also coming to my house and we're gonna be in my room. So like, if anyone should be cautious, it's them. Which is why I'll totally understand if they don't wanna drink. I was also drunk when I asked them to come over, so I didn't really think through potential implications with asking someone to get drunk with me alone in my bedroom, but they said yes, so... I guess it's happening.
>>33557509you have destructive behavior gurl you should be careful. even if they are coming to their home, especially considering they are expecting to drink alcohol, they probably are thinking about sex. or even if its friendly, alcohol tends to make people pretty horny.
>make the same mistakes everyday>Promise myself everyday that I'm gonna get my shit together >Never do because I hate myself and don't really want to get better Yeah
>>33557527I mean, they already have an owner, so I didn't really assume that. I guess I should probably find out the boundaries of that before we meet up. But also, I don't really mind whether it turns out sexual or non-sexual. But then again, it'd be shitty if it did turn out sexual, and they were cheating on them with me. But then any "proof" of an open relationship could be easily faked. So I don't know if there'd be much point asking.
>>33557651well its your choice, just dont get raped
>>33544994>it's important not to hold yourself to a yet impossible standard, if you slip up and miss hygiene things when you should do them, don't be overly harsh on yourself, it's a processYes, you're right anon, focusing on goals alone is counterproductive, we always need to focus on the process and keep in mind that "black or white" thinking is the worst thing that can happen if you have clear goals. Just because I might not be able to fully accomplish something at the moment doesn't mean I should stop trying entirely. A little bit is better than nothing at all.I think right now I'm in the process of understanding these awareness slipups you're talking about :) how long do you think it will take until I can get rid of these thoughts for the most part?
>>33557660wish i thought of that one earlier
Days without smokes: 1Ankis failed: 0/17
Been busy, kind of just enjoying things. Had a long talk with my partner, he always seems to calm my mind for a while. It rained. I missed the cold weather a lot. Going to try and start working out again next week, finally have some weights I can use again. Feeling okay. Acquaintance I recently met tried to make some unwanted and awkward sexual advances. Never been in that situation before (well, maybe that's not completely true). Guy went through a pretty bad break up, but was just so horny and inebriated off of god knows what. I feel bad for him. The desperation was real, but I almost suspected this. He would overshare, a lot, which at first I thought was just a natural consequence of our somewhat similar interests, his distressed emotional state, and my willingness to listen and console. Guess I couldn't conceive of someone liking me that much after a few meetings, as is on par with my somewhat atrocious estimation of self. Though, I've noticed that an unusual amount of people as of late have been taking a romantic interest in me. Perhaps it's just that there aren't many queer people to go around. Don't know.I believe /sig/ anon asked me about the emulator I was making a while ago (maybe two threads ago?), it's CHIP-8. Not an actual hardware architecture, but rather a (kind of) virtual machine that ran the interpreted programming language of its namesake. Has registers for various purposes, a stack for return addresses, and about 4KB of program memory. First time making an emulator (I've written HDL for a processor on an FPGA before). Learning SDL for input/graphics/sound whilst trying to remember some of the file I/O operations for C were the main obstacles, among other careless mistakes and learning experiences. Think I might whip out my FPGA and write some HDL so I can port it to silicon. That or move on to an actual hardware emulation like the Sega Genesis since that's a console I remember fondly. Anyway, I finished it. Now I'm just optimizing :D
>>33557544Dont hate yourself anonStart by never saying that again. It might not be true or w/e. Just never say that you hate yourself ever again. In your head or otherwise. It will help.I know this "stupid" advice and wont solve your issues but trust me whne I say...the more we think that something is true the more true it becomes. The opposite can happen too. The less you think about how you hate yourself the less you will hate yourself. it is ok to make the mistakes you do. We are not moral heroes in some book where great and big revelation will lead us from wrecked and downtronten to great and wonderful between a single page. Life is not that easy. So for now the least you can do is to stop repeating the self hatred mantra.
How many times a day do you guys say "it's over" in your mind?
>>33558217so what happened? did you get raped?
my transition has completely failed. i started hrt at 19 and now i'm 26, post ffs, post ba, and im still boymoding (im chubby and hunch to hide my body so the ba isnt that noticeable). whenever im dressed up ill pass on camera and in pictures but i know those arent real life, irl i am 6'1" and even though my frame is kind of feminine im still just too scaled up all over i know ill always look uncanny at best. i had hoped id get the courage eventually to just live as a visible transwoman but that never happened. ive girlmoded in public only once and even though nothing really happened i just felt stressed and wanted to get it over with as quickly as possible. to make it all worse i dont have any support either, my parents and my best friend all know about it but they never tell me anything. its all "are you sure" and "whatever you want to do", theres never any real affirmation or acknowledgement and its leaving me with so much uncertainty about what others really think. i feel so alone having botched my transition like this. i should be living a life by now, one way or the other, but instead im just hiding away from the world doing whatever i can to distract myself just wasting year after year. i had so many opportunities and i squandered it all because im a dysfunctional coward. i feel so lost and like i dont know where to start
>Cis AMAB, not on any hormones (unless fin and oral min count, but I’ve been taking them for months already) >No libido, even tried fapping but I felt so bored I couldn’t bother>Sleep late, don’t eat much or particularly healthy, haven’t gone to the gym in months >Feel high energy, feel comfortable >Used to scroll all the time. Now I feel the need to move my body, do flexibility exercises all day now, wanna dance >Feel the best I’ve ever haveWhat the fuck is going on? What went right? I don’t wanna lose this.
>>33561320To add to this, for the past months I’ve been staying up all night feeling awful and having bad thoughts about myself and my body, had constant physical heartaches. The heartaches have gone away and the BDD is less intense, but I don’t know why!
>fucked up life>22 y/o NEET hon>decide to improve things for myself, try get a job>go through traumatic experience that leaves me in a state of fight or flight nearly all day every day>feel sick to my stomach most of the time>stress is irritating my IBS>this causes me to avoid food both due to feeling like I'll throw up + not wanting to have to spend an hour on the toilet later>jolting awake over and over with strong fear that someone is coming for me when I'm in a drowsy state>I just feel stressed and anxious and I don't know what else you'd call this, all day, ever day, and nothing fixes it. Even the handful of times I mostly calm down, it's back to square one when I wake back up>feels like I have no chance of being a sane healthy person before my 20s are over>terrified of missing out on life but also terrified of going outdoors>have had panic attacks in public every time I forced myself to>terrible sleep schedule but taking melatonin doesn't help me sleep earlier, it just creates the aforementioned drowsy panic stateI hate my life. I can't believe this is my real life. No form is escapism distracts me. I just suffer all day every day. The most random shit triggers me and makes it all worse. I don't see how I'm supposed to ever reach happiness.I seriously had a ton of self improvement stuff planned out, and then this happened. It's not fair. I was going to become a happy normal person.
>>33557402>I'm gonna get drunk and play The Binding of Isaac: RepentanceHave you tried the Fiend Folio mod?
Bump
>>33554020>You will at times have to do things you don't *feel* like doingI don't like this anon. Is there really no other way? You say that after some times of doing this I will no longer feel this way I don't see any reason why that would be so. I think I can never learn to tolerate (let alone love) taking care of myself.>Do you feel your current room unsalvageable?Pretty much.>How? Well I put things which fell on the floor my table therefore making it dirty. I feel some cables that go into my computer to be dirty (but I don't anymore remember why) too so they kinda contaminate the rest of the circuitry. I say on my couch with clothes I consider to be dirty, and I freaking sat on it once while I had a dirty butt (it was just a tiny bit dirty as the antipsychotic I was using at that time caused me to periodically shart myself :c)! There is also a large "puddle" of dried cum in one corner of the room which I would also like to be gone (due to high doses of antidepressants I sometimes found cooming to be very hard to achieve so once I would feel like I was about to coom I didn't wanna risk going to the bathroom or grabbing a tissue because I feared that any delay in reaching the orgasm might force me to start anew so as soon as I felt it approach I would just go to the corner and squirt, why I didn't just have a tissue or bag ready beforehand all those times I don't know...).Yeah I would just like to state that I am not a "average" /lgbt/ poster. I am much much much less adjusted than you guys here :/
>>33562802>I have no chance of being a sane healthy person before my 20s are overNot trying to be negative here anon I'm just genuinely curious: Why do you think that things will improve once your 20s are over? w-wouldn't stuff just get worse?
>>33554246thanks! you were right abiut the body perception stuff too. i looked at myself for the first time in a while and i look like a monster... perception will change again soon probably and will go back to feeling fat but funny how that works
>>33566363Well I plan on trying to improve my mental health and recover eventually but it feels like I've got several years left to go, especially with how long the waiting lists are in my country. I've been waiting since 2018 for the gender clinic and 2020 for the ADHD clinic. I got one appointment with each, the ADHD clinic told me they'd see me again in a year, the gender clinic said they'd see me once I fixed my ADHD.
Napped, then craved coffee at 23:00. Making some rn.>>33554440Oh yes, I remember the mystery piss post.Yeah, finding medical docs can be hell.. What about the therapy side of the equation?>>33554662I think it goes under several names, normally employment agencies for example should offer services of that sort too.>i don't really know myself> i think i just feel pretty hopelesscan you try to elaborate concrete things you are hopeless about?>>33555904Yes, precisely! Did you check them out yet?>>33554613I'm glad you took the opportunity to vent, b. It can be so difficult.. I hope today was better!>>33556414You badly need some self-actualization I take it. First of all, while you should try and find yourself, social needs are important. Maybe a committed relationship would do you extremely well in the long run. Have a person to grow alongside with. But that is not the main focus rn. I would need to prod you for your personality and interests, and that can take a bit of a conversation, that ok?>>33557134That's a good streak, alice! Very good. No, I was not thinking of physical addiction either. >>33557478>because it's something women complain about boys doing all the time how so? At least the women in my life don't really. Maybe I am missing the point though in asking. Well.. to figure how to control your feelings I need to know what it is that makes you feel them!>>33557544Shockingly normal and hard to overcome. But.. there are two things I can tell you. Self loathing is a self destructive thing that often comes from a good place, you want to be a better person, and dislike what you are (or many do, it's conjecture for you). However, you conflate the things you hate about yourself with your being. One cannot hate themselves into self improvement usually but what DOES work is to isolate specifics and strategically target them by distancing yourself from them. You should write a list of things you would like to change, ideally specifics.
>>33562951No, I don't think I'm gonna try any mods that add content until after I get all the endings. The last time I played, I beat Hush for the first time. I still have to unlock both the polaroid and the negative, as well.>>33566743>That's a good streak, alice! Very good.Thank you!
Had coffee. >>33558578[1 hug coupon]>>33559041Ugh, sorry to hear about the awkwardness. People in an emotionally vulnerable state like this are also often open up easily, it's a sensible survival instinct, really.Did you manage to establish boundaries amicably?The emulator sounds rad as hell actually! I always considered writing my own little LISP machine emulator but honestly Emacs is too comfy to leave on this front.>>33561057Rarely but something to the effect of "why do I even bother" or "I should quit"? There were times where I did that multiple times a day.>>33561257> i had hoped id get the courage eventually to just live as a visible transwoman but that never happened. you got the order of operations wrong, anon. You won't become comfortable without exposing yourself to discomfort. You can neither trust your self perception nor your own judgement on this particular front. Few people could, really. You need fresh pairs of eyes who are honest with you. You need someone giving you a reality check whether people are actually staring should you go out girlmoding. You are doing absolutely amazing, what you are missing is other tranners and more supportive people to talk to, you are 100% correct, and you will need some exposure therapy to overcome your anxiety. It is hard, but you didn't fail. In fact, you are so damn close to making it. You should be proud of yourself, but it is 100% normal and natural you can't feel that way right now. You CAN make it, anon.>>33561320>>33561403This is SUPER interesting actually. It's hard to debug from afar, any changes in your circumstances, relationships, anything? If not, you can definitely make the most of it by forming good habits around the things that make you feel good, like the moving. Low libido I have seen happen to just come with age.
>>33562802>>33566568>>go through traumatic experience that leaves me in a state of fight or flight nearly all day every dayso you need things to cope with trauma. As bad as IBS will make you feel in the face of it, malnutrition will actually amplify your emotional instability. So the discomforts of IBS sadly are a sacrifice worth making, anon. That said you can recover from this, but it will likely mean you have to for now focus on coping with traumatic experiences. It is A-OK if you don't wanna go into details, we have some resources on trying to overcome trauma, though a specialist would likely help too. It is so frustrating though.. I get that. I hope you know you have my heartfelt sympathy.>the gender clinic said they'd see me once I fixed my ADHD.fucking assholes.>>33566312>I think I can never learn to tolerate (let alone love) taking care of myself.Some of it you will eventually do without thinking, and get to reap all the benefits with none of the negative emotions and exhaustion. How that works for is different from person to person, with the neurodivergent playing by a different ruleset on top.>I don't like this anon. Is there really no other way?It's a bit like receiving a tetanus shot really, we make a compromise between temporary discomfort we seek to minimize and long term benefit we seek to max out.>. I am much much much less adjusted than you guys here :/Oh I don't mind at all, there is a reason I prefer 4chan. You can be yourself without fear of repercussion. I feel like I read that cum corner story before in another thread... must be my imagination. That aside, in that case it is very likely that your room is not actually unfixable, but it will be work, and some of the things you say require a psychological approach. After all, your understanding of contamination is not tied to a definable physical thing, it is emotional, which is not invalid but means that cleaning a thing won't fix it.
I suppose i'm finally over my ex, even though I'll never get over some of the habits that I was forced to take in order to keep myself sane, like >drinking >smoking >constantly being a yes man
>>33566743>Napped, then craved coffee at 23:00.god don't make me make a cup as well, it's too late for that>employment agenciesthose places are trying to fill much less skilled labor. it's a place you go to if you are desperate for any job, not something specializedi guess maybe what you mean is working with a recruiting agency, however with my weak qualifications none of them would really take any interest in me>can you try to elaborate concrete things you are hopeless about?literally everythingyou'd think after a year of wasting time trying to pivot into ML i would have done anything at all besides waste a year of my life or that even the smallest goals in my life could be achievedeven if i get into and choose to go for grad school i'm betting that i don't waste the next 2-3 years of my life or flunk outand ultimately iwnbaw and i don't even know if any of this bullshit is worth it in the end
Something i've been struggling with lately is feeling like my problems are giant knotted up balls of smaller problems that become too big to untangle. To combat this, i've been trying to take initiative on smaller things without a lot of focus on the end goal. Hoping to not get too bogged down in the details.This has proven difficult when it comes to thoughts about starting E. Without getting too into the nitty gritty, i've accepted that I want to try E, but the social shame is very scary. So I figured I would start with things like my weight, or doing something to remedy my hairline first. But knowing my thought patterns, i'm cautiously aware that starting HRT sooner is better and pushing it off may not be the right approach... What did people in this thread do? I figure i'm a little out of the norm doing this at a later age, but I guess it all boils down to... What self improvement step is the first *you* took?
>>33566491self perception is absolutely cursed a thing. You can actually train it a bit in a healthy direction, given the right stimuli. Once you reach normal weight you can actually achieve not feeling fat because of it. I am far from an expert but I mean you have experienced proof how damn malleable this shit is.>>33567678psychological addictions are a PITA. You need other things to cope and ground yourself is the thing then. What is your day to day like, how much time do you have for self care, what is (was) fulfilling to you?>>33567713I'll try not to tempt you, I'll call it a night soon in spite of my sip.And yeah, things like that. There are also reverse-headhunters but I don't know how much they cost. I never looked into them myself, and they don't really counsel, instead they are basically paid jobhunters.As for hopelessness.. hmm. I guess it brings us back to what I have said I think as long as we know each other: we should really diversify your goals and supplement with things that are concrete, actionable and short term enough that you actually feel accomplished. You did already make progress taking care of meds and progressing with ADHD matters. Exploring gender stuff sounds helpful too. But I feel like there is a serious lack of things you seem to enjoy in your life besides, and I hear very little in the general direction of self care from you.>>33567715> smaller things without a lot of focus on the end goal.excellent choice!>>33567715Hmm... I am not a tranner but I started with weight loss before I created /sig/. A bit of lore for the curious here, the reason I got into weight loss at all is helping a friend I made on /tttt/ recover from anorexia, which convinced me I should try to approach normal weight for my health as well. It was around that time too I thought long and hard about a lot of things which led to the creation of /sig/ as a love letter to this website I have spent so many years on.
>>33566743>>33557478Okay maybe this will come off as incredibly brainwormy then idk, I've just seen a few videos from woman talking about like the sinking feeling you get when a guy is like "hey can we talk" or when you realize that your guy friend just had a crush on you the whole time and you weren't just friends like you thought. And already just by having a crush on her I feel like I am that guy and I want to just have a normal platonic relationship and be friends. I don't really know why I have feelings for her, I had them really strong in highschool and then they went away but now they are creeping back. I think she is a really cool person, she's fun to hang out with and we are very similar people, she's also very pretty, but she is not interested in me in the slightest afaik. I think feelings came back partly because we have been hanging out more recently and I don't want to fuck up our friendship because I have a stupid crush that won't go away. I try my best not to actively think about her as anything besides a friend and try to stop bad passive thoughts as I notice them happening but it just isn't working. I think she'd notice something was up if I just disappeared and didn't talk to her for a couple of weeks but it might be my best bet at this point.
>>33567870>I started with weight loss before I created /sig/I feel like that's what I should focus on first. Maybe it'll help me learn some self love along the way. It's just so hard to figure out on your own it feels like.
>>33567870>You need other things to cope and ground yourself is the thing then. What is your day to day like, how much time do you have for self care, what is (was) fulfilling to you?Day to day? get up, work, come home. Time for self care? Doesn't exist at the moment. On days off I study for the state insurance exam which I hope to pass in order to get me a better job right now. Fulfilling? I used to play a lot of music and jam constantly, other than that hiking. I still spend a lot of free time hiking but I don't pick up my guitar or bass often at all nowadays. I'm just so sick of being stuck at home post-college/post-horrible relationship that fucked me up permanently.
I love when brain is stuck feeling self loathing and disgust
I'm trying to find a job but I fucking hate job searching. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. It's hard not to give in and let all go to shit. I hope y'all are doing better. I feel like shit
>>33568600Finding jobs sucks ass. Sending you good vibes and lots of love.
>>33568652Thanks, I'm gonna need it. All I'm finding is shitty seasonal part time work. I don't want to search again after the holidays. I may have to at this rate just for now. I feel like a mess trying to find a job and it stressing me out to stop. But then have to stress about not actively job searching. Its hell. There should be laws against all this bullshit job searching sites, posting spam or trying to get you to sign up. Fuck!!! what is the governments good for then. baka, my b about my rant. Appreciate the love, back at you <3. Good vibes for all
>>33569269>>33568600Are you the OP? How could you make a gen for self improvement and you don't have a job? >exhibit a of a fag self improooving
>>33566743>I would need to prod you for your personality and interests, and that can take a bit of a conversation, that ok?Uh, sure...
>>33566743>Yeah, finding medical docs can be hell..I just learned about there being a walk-in clinic nearby. I hope to visit by the end of next week.
>>33569551Sorry, I forgot to say I'm not the OP. I just saw the helltaker characters and wanted to post my favorite. I will stop post zdraza, Im post touhou pic instead that will be my thing.Apologies
Recently got addicted to nicotine after being away from vaping for kike 5 years. Those new elfbar things are too damned convenient. Yesterday I threw mine in the trash and went cold-turkey, Im on oral HRT and after a few weeks of consistent heavy vaoing I felt awful and my skin was breaking out badly on my nose (HRT had previously 99% cured my terrible chronic acne). Today is almost the end of my first full nicotine-free day, there have been some craving but I recogniz how harmful this shit is. I just can't go back. I thought it could help supress my appetite (trying to lose weight rn) but any gains were more than offset by how shitty how I felt with my HRT not working well on it, I have eaten so uch junk and gained like 5 lbs this month -.-So far so good! I have quit nicotine cold-turkey after heavy vape addiction before, and that was pre-HRT when it really wasn't affecting me too badly. My skin already looks a little better and I will keep going! Might be starting a nw job soon and I want to do my best!
>>33568600The hardest thing is getting started. Make an Indeed profile and spam-apply to everything you can.I finally got an interview this week and I think it went well!! You can do it too~
Days without smokes: 2Ankis failed: 3/20
Every time i make progress i realise i have so much more work to do.Its really tiring always having to do better. The progress is good though
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET BETTER WHEN I ONLY WANT TO GET WORSE
>>33572716been feeling this alot too lately but in a weird way it's kind of motivating and comforting to know. Like it makes every good thing you do for yourself feel noteworthy even if it's small.
My life is going nearly perfectly yet i suffer everyday because I'm all alone. I'm finishing uni well and going to usa next year, i look good, have hobbies, i spend time with people outside. Despite that I don't have any friends, i never had a single friend. I don't even have online friend or something. there used to be a person who was friendly to me (online), because i never had anyone i became too obsessed with him which went very badly, he hates me now and I'm still obsessed with him after an year, i try to talk with him everyday but he now just ignores me. Because of the obsession not only him but other people have also started hating me. I simply want someone to be friendly with meI used to be so hopeful about the future but now I don't care about anything
>>33553906>so don't beat yourself up too much.Its funny that you say that cause I ahve been spiraling into inactive mode againProcrastinated, and sorta did nothing for a while nowLikeI know what I want now. I just dont see the lines. yes once again I am met with th Sisyphian task to get better but I am not happy. Sign... I once fantasize of being in an extreme D/s relationship. I mean what better than having all your thoughts done for you? Alas its only fantasy and a selfish one at that.Well alright positives. I have some money. I was thinking of using it to achieve a part of my goals. I finally dont have as many hangups about therapy. I still need to go to it though lol. Procrastination... Work has been ok with the manager out. Dreading monday now when she returns.Hmm Ok new thought. I often find myself not being excited to have free time. Its a bit of a slog. I should probably try new things, but I am, just...routining myself to death.Welp that's about it for now. Still havent done any of the goals I set for myself the past week. Really slogged through the whole time form bed to work with some passive entertainment in between.
>>33559041>Guess I couldn't conceive of someone liking me that much after a few meetingsDude i get this. people telling me they like me just makes me feel like im inevitably going to fail to live up to their expectations. It feels so dumb not being able to properly accept positive feelings from other people
>>33558578Cool art
So i am losing my sanity way faster than i expected with hrt thoughts and this nightmare that is my life.I don't have private laundry ( with parents at embarrasing age and mostly incapable of normal life ) and have never worn girl clothes and am not full retard enough to just hrt.I'm going to buy clothes tommorrow, the plan is to wear them, cry a lot, then hide them for the time being. Looking for tips and recommendations i guess.
Hey all you lonely faggots (And you ones with stable attachment types). This is the relationship holy grail book. Buy it, read it, and figure out why your relationships are how they are and git gud and/or be comfortable with being alone.
>>33574365>buy itWhere the hell do you think you are
>>33574474its a faggot desperately trying to flog their shitty ebook on 4chan, they keep spamming this board relentlessly. nothing wrong with being proud of your work, but nothing more pathetic and annoying than someone constantly pestering and begging
>>33574474>Where the hell do you think you areNot everyone is a poorfag. If you can't buy it, those words aren't a law unto you. Do what you feel its time to do.>>33574520>shitty ebookIt's sold 2 million copies and it's not mine. It has two authors, neither of which are me. It's the best relationship book written to date, I think, and there are a lot of people who don't know the cause-and-effect of good/bad relationships who ask, daily, "Why is this the case? What is the cause for this? How do I feel satisfaction with my relationships?"
>>33554020>I am happy to hear you are blessed with loved ones that make you feel this way.unfortunately my loved ones are the exact ones that don't understand my issues, but I still am very lucky that only one gets hostile, one gets sad, and the other one with whom we're also not compatible personality-wise, is however supporting my rather indirect-seeming steps. I try to count my blessings
>>33574751Shilling things to people looking for help is gross. Go away charlatan
>>33574751anon I'm afraid your tone in the two posts is doing the opposite of helping your message
How do you accept that you became retarded ?
>>33575150A shill an accomplice of a hawker, gambler, or swindler who acts as an enthusiastic customer to entice or encourage others.I'm not misrepresenting who I am or my intentions. I am actually someone who is enthusiastic about what I read (back in like 2020). I read a bunch of self help books in 2020-2022 and this is one of the best of the bunch when it comes to organizing relationships between people and making people knowledgeable of what relationships work or don't.>>33575201I really don't give a shit because I'm not a shill. This is the self improvement general and I posted a self help book. Lots of people hear sensible things and disregard them for any number of foolish reasons. I have no attachment to whether or not takes me advice after the understand it. It's only them who hurt from ignoring truthful advice that is well-explained.
>>33575629>Lots of people hear sensible things and disregard them for any number of foolish reasonsindeed, you would be wise to consider your foolish reasons for disregarding some feedback
>>33575213Life can be confusing when what you thought to be true shows signs of being untrue and vice versa. I like to check in by googling my opinions and seeing how others justify them and consider if their justifications are well-reasoned. If they are, I put contemplation of them down for a time. If not, I reevaluate. Nothing is off the table. It's worse to be wrong for a long time than to figure out you were wrong and then fix the mistake.
>>33575642That's a low quality reversal. It's best to quit while you're just getting started and not make a habit of trying to "win" conversations with gotchas. Bffr and say what you mean or say nothing if you have nothing to say.
>>33575656A low effort response is appropriate when one's genuinely non-hostile feedback is countered with adversarial tone.I'm offering a source of feedback on why your possibly quite helpful advice was not warmly welcomed. You may find it useful or not, if you're interested, but you're free to take it or leave it. It does require being able to drop your ego in an exchange where you started off the wrong foot, which I admit is a common struggle.
>>33575691>A low effort response is appropriate when one's genuinely non-hostile feedback is countered with adversarial tone.Dismissive and adversarial are separate things. Dismissive means feeling or showing that something is unworthy of consideration. I did that. Adversarial means involving or characterized by conflict or opposition. Seeing as I said right out of the gay "I don't give a shit" shows that I wasn't opposing you or starting a conflict, I was dismissing your input. Then I explained my reasoning. >I'm offering a source of feedback on why your possibly quite helpful advice was not warmly welcomed.I'm pretty sure your feedback is misguided though. I think my feedback is not warmly welcomed because I've used that same pic in other threads, thus making myself stand out and make people think I'm shilling with the motive of profit. That's not what I'm doing but not everyone considered every possibility before speaking (or speaks with sensitivity and circumspection after doing do).>It does require being able to drop your ego in an exchange where you started off the wrong foot, which I admit is a common struggle.I'm not trying to be a dick when I say this: it's not a struggle for me. I don't have an ego. I have, instead, a sturdy sense of what is correct and what is incorrect and sense of when it's appropriate to say what is disagreeable and unendearing but beneficial to said/read/heard.
>>33575842>Dismissive and adversarial are separate thingsagreed, I was going to correct myself using exactly that word, if we were in a more IM or face to face context>I'm pretty sure your feedback is misguided though.>avatarfaggingfair point, I don't know what goes on in the other anon's head and that's a plausible explanation>I'm not trying to be a dick when I say this: it's not a struggle for me. I don't have an egodefinitely would not consider you one for that statement, you've already put in a lot more effort than my semi-adversarial responses warrant. makes me happy to see more folks like you, to be honestas for the rest, yeah if solely the avatarfagging angle was the trigger for the other anon, my stuff is mostly moot, as it's not very wise to generalize based solely on my own impression, of course
>>33575842oh I forgot the other anon's response, so nvm im rite urmomgay n ur pboblem is you act like ur on /b/ (or its love child with /lit/)
>>33575943>agreed, I was going to correct myself using exactly that word, if we were in a more IM or face to face contextI get it. There are limitations to how freely one can speak through text. On the plus side, there is time to "craft" a response that says exactly what you mean. I don't have a lot of proof but you seem like a mindful person. Mindfulness is good.I read the rest of your post and saw nothing to respond to. I definitely DID NOT smile when I read "makes me happy to see more folks like you, to be honest" but it was sorta a near thing.
>>33575997Too late. You already said you like the cut of my gib. Now and forever I'm gonna think you lowkey agree with me. ;)
lets all do well today anons!
Off to therapy in an hour. I asked for an additional week this month because things haven't really gotten much better. I was able to stay off /tttt/ for the entire week and change which is an accomplishment for me. I told my girlfriend I've "relapsed" and am browsing this site again. She wasn't happy but totally understood why I'm here. Hopefully the next few weeks start to improve. I cringe on but I'm happy to be here, despite everything.
>>33577218happy to be alive is what i meant lol, not necessarily 4chan. @_@
FUCK
Today was a nice, relaxing one.>>33567948It is a bit brainwormy, really. All my relationships have developed from friendships. I never really looked for partners, and the times I did explicitly I usually failed. If you are comfortable around someone and able to be emotionally intimate with them these things can just happen. That does not devalue the platonic relationship, and you must admit that it is kinda fucked up if someone judged you for your feelings because they deem an emotional state you cannot control as a personal inconvenience. That said, I think the clean way to resolve that depends on how open you are with her about your emotions. Is she someone you lean on? Are you someone she leans on? How intimately do you know each other's innermost feelings you think?>>33567955It is difficult, and self compassion can also be a matter of just... getting used to things, and exposure to certain ideas. Some people for example passively absorbed self loathing from their environment. The fact that is possible should clue you in that the opposite works too.As for weight loss, if you need any help, do check the resources and we can think of something if you wanna.>>33568341So habituating going out more would be great for you but lack of time and anxiety hold you back? >>33568566Cute image, but it sucks you have to feel this way. Is it something specific that makes you feel like that?>>33568600>>33569269I can relate, I am banging my head against the wall in a different way, but I am lucky to at least have a temp contract for the next 2ish years (academia, applying for a perm thing but it's far from guaranteed). The current job market is also a bit of a shit show.>>33569551Nah, different filenames for some files. Also, what are you up to anyway, anon? How's life?>>33569956Let's start simple, what are your interests? You struggle with goals, but you may have things you consider more fun than others. Can be abstract like "tinkering" or concrete like "geology"
my handwriting is so SHIT, i am going to learn... spencerian or something
>>33570051Fingers crossed, anon! Do report back on that matter. As for the therapy side, I hope you don't mind me asking again, just to be sure. Is it in the cards?>>33570103Hey, I would not mind a Zdradaposter at all! I rarely give her much love in these threads but I do enjoy seeing here.>>33570538You must know that nicotine actively inhibits E/HRT. For example, smoking while still in puberty can really fuck up teens for many reasons, that included. You are doing great, it is fucking hard and vapeshit is insidious, I have a certain disdain for this industry. You're doing great, anon.>>33571994Nice, the second binary milestone!>>33572789What makes you wanna get worse, anon?>>33573036Loneliness fucking sucks, and of course being desperate to have your emotional needs met will lead to overwhelming people. A lot of finding friends come down to trial and error, we have some links on making friends and loneliness in the resources. Would you take the time to check them out and share your honest feelings? On their own they won't be enough but they are a start.>>33573089Yeah, routines are a good backbone, but there needs to be some meat on that, some variety to keep us sane and happy. I think it would be great for you to take one goal in particular and try to pin a date and time to it. Having a concrete, actionable thing with a beginning, middle and an end that you can hold yourself accountable to might help a great deal. Procrastination sucks, but it is an ongoing fight for everyone I think.>>33573888Sorry for being a tad late but I suppose underwear is among the simplest to hide and conceal, and andro accessories. Maybe some things like nail polish too, although that's not clothing obv.>>33575084Ah fuck, that's difficult of course. Yeah I get where you're coming from, godspeed, anon.
>>33575213In what way? Retarded I mean.>>33574365A bit of a strong pitch, anon. I could add it to the resources, but what >>33574520 said has me a bit weary. I do agree that buying is nice, but I really like to provide a libgen link for peeps because you know how life is. Any particular Edition fuckery I need to bear in mind?>>33575629Could you also give me a bit of a short summary for it, just something you would like to tell whoever is reading the resources for what to expect from the book.>>33576462I feel like today was a good day.>>33577218>>33577239All the best for your sesh, Tea!>>33579844I would like to get a nice ink roller pen sometime, maybe a fountain pen again too, but they are not always great for formulas in my opinion. Very much depends on the.. >looks up the wordnib!
>>33567172>Ugh, sorry to hear about the awkwardness. People in an emotionally vulnerable state like this are also often open up easily, it's a sensible survival instinct, really.Exactly, which is why I tried to be accommodating, I know how much breakups can hurt. I was in one with a person who really treated me badly and when I got out I was a mess. But, I think it helped me realize how empty my life was. I just think about how little I had in terms of outlets to vent comfortably, so most of the pain just sat. I don't want that for others.>Did you manage to establish boundaries amicably?I think so. Considering how fast it escalated though, I think I'll be cautious and firm next time we talk.>The emulator sounds rad as hell actually! I always considered writing my own little LISP machine emulator but honestly Emacs is too comfy to leave on this front.That would be a neat project to undertake from what I've read! I don't know much about LISP, I might have to research more later today...
>>33579964>Could you also give me a bit of a short summary for it, just something you would like to tell whoever is reading the resources for what to expect from the book.Sure. The book is about attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and stable (it also mentions disorganized, it's chapters is pretty short). Attachment styles are something lot of people in the relationship field talk about. The book doesn't mince words. It gives examples of what each one is, how that plays out in various scenarios (both romantic and otherwise), how that plays out internally and in relations between the types and with two people of the same type, and what to do if you see yourself as one or more of the attachment style types. I'm not sure what kind of metaphor I would use to describe it but I can't imagine a better book for an intro (or finisher) to one trying to approach relationships through that type. I could immediately see the scenarios at play in my own life and the lives of people I know and it added up. More than adding up, the advice was actionable and I could see that, if someone undertook them, they would go from someone who is dissatisfied with their relationships to someone, if not immediately and miraculously successful would be able to say "This is because of this. I know that now. I can do this and get something different or make peace with it in this way and devote my energy elsewhere." Like I said, I went through a self-help book phase. Mostly it was about productivity, emotions/trauma, spirituality, and relationships. Of all of those (likely 20-30 books read cover to cover), this book is solidly and uncontested in my top 3. It's awkward to talk about online, without being able to show what would be enthusiastic gesturing, but it is what it is. I am no longer a gormless autist. I am now an autist who has knowledge about relationships. I'm basically aro ace in practice but at least I know what's what.
>>33579964>Any particular Edition fuckery I need to bear in mind?I don't think there is. I just looked and both editions (one in 2012 and another in 2019) have 304 pages, so I think the new edition is merely to add that red bar at the top that says two million copies sold.Like I said above, the bit about flogging it likely comes from the fact that when I talked about it (like when someone asks about relationships and what they should do) I used the same pic, which means it became apparent it was the same person. A shill for such a popular book would be ridiculous, especially since I'm not using an affiliate link. I'm just a dude who likes the book who accidentally (?) avatarfagged.
I'm getting my shit together and I'd like to start posting here again soon, as a form of half diary and also like a sort of commitment.I'll also try to help others when I can.
>>33579884>Sorry for being a tad lateSo i haven't thought about underwear at all actually, I have 2 dresses 2 skirts 1 cute top and tshirt + pullover that may pass as mens clothes, i will add some mens leggings. As i am in way too deep for deniability i will add some underwear.Thank you sig devil girl anon
>>33580571not a bad idea anon, good luck with it! what are your goals?thinking about renewing a commitment myself. mad how much I've floundered and not sure where to go or how to break the cycle. good luck anons!
>>33567870>And yeah, things like that. There are also reverse-headhunters but I don't know how much they cost.they're very questionable, i've heard a lot of bad stories with them and no good ones>You did already make progress taking care of meds and progressing with ADHD matters.i mean i fucked that up as well
>>33567648Give me an example anon. So what if I force myself to take a shower everyday they will start getting easier? I just don't see that happening. Wouldn't they get harder instead, because I am using up so much energy by doing them everyday?>not tied to a definable physical thingBingo. It's all in my head sadly, but for the love of me I can't ignore it.
I am starving myselfI need to stop being a fat shit so I can post pics when I flirt with the very many cute trannies on this board
Does any have any good chickpea recipes? running really low on cash and food in the house but have a couple cans of chickpeas, some tomato paste, coconut milk and cream. I have some other stuff but they seems like the most base ingredients I have. Trying not to spiral with other things going on but hard to when feels like struggling to feed myself. >>33541174>And that was the wager I personally accepted. It's a very personal one, and I cannot tell you if my pov and feelings at the time can be transferred to your situation, but maybe it is a good start?I spoke to the advisor at uni. Told me that they could definitely help with help with applying for late withdrawl and fee remission, as well as advocate for extension to completion to degree overall. Encouraged me to try to get one of the two classes completed, tried all weekend to even write one word but think nervous system is just shot through and through, I will try but I doubt it. I'm thinking if I am granted some extension I'll reassess next year before semester. If then I know I can't, or if I'm flately told I can', I'll accept my fate as awful and heartbreaking as it is. Thank you for telling me your wager. It does really help to have some perspective on the matter.
>>33570568Thanks for tip, I forget about indeed most times. I got call today for a on-spot interview tomorrow.>>33571994Keep it up! Im trying to stop abusing substances too. what is ankis, tho?>>33579884>>I rarely give her much love in these threadsShe is kinda a bad role model, lol. She reminds me of better times when I hang with skaters, punks and alt kids in school. That's why she is my favorite. People like that were rough around the edges but real people in my eyes. I miss them. I hope they are all doing well. I will post pics of her thenIt's was a nice day today, but I felt lonely with family around me. Sweet dreams everyone
>go for a run on the treadmill>negative thoughts burn away
Days without smokes: 3Ankis failed: 2/15>>33583930i'm gonna assume you are not OP, he is the biggest helltaker poster.what substance are you quitting, only if it's okay to ask.anki is a flashcard program, i use it to learn japanese vocabulary, at this point i'm not doing any new cards, just reviewing. i get a few flashcards every day and the objective is to fail the least possible.
>>33503323This general is based and I would have a hot makeout session with the OP and whoever supports this.
>>33584663
>>33585177I think it means like built on a solid foundation, like the base of the thread, where its coming from, is solid and sturdy
>>33581979Studying and working out consistently while avoiding my bad habits.>not sure where to go or how to break the cycleI know how that feels. I keep trying and failing and every time I fail it takes longer to try again because it demotivates me so much. I should start much slower and with lower expectation, don't be too strict on yourself, a little progress is way better than nothing.
>>33579844Based. Thatd be cool
>>33567172>any changes in your circumstances, relationships, anything?I’ve been staying at my aunt’s house. That’s probably reduced my stress and also made me less afraid of being myself. But at the same time, in my first weeks I didn’t immediately turn the way I did now, I actually had a bit of a rough time for a while and was staying up all night despairing. Only recently I ended up turning around.>If not, you can definitely make the most of it by forming good habits around the things that make you feel good, like the movingGood idea. I had to take a rest day yesterday because I felt really sorry from all the moving lol, but I wanna move again today. I think I should try to do some everyday, and if I’m sore I can just do light static stretches. >Low libido I have seen happen to just come with age.I’m quite young though, most guys around my age are still really horny.
First I read >>33576223 and I was going to be upsetti, but then I saw >>33576177I do like the cut of your gib (and for the record I've been seeing the attachment theory stuff more, more recently, and from what I've seen it does have some useful explaining power, so I might just give the book a skim, thanks for the rec)
how can i stop being so cripplingly envious of others?
>>33589104introspection, effort, and radical acceptance of who and how you are now, even if you don't like some parts of it, acceptance will ease the turmoil it causes and, in cases where something can be done to improve (x, y, z) helps provide a baseline and motivation for improvementacceptance is hard, but it's important, even things you can't change you have to accept them as they are, especially if something can't be changed then there's so much energy put towards those negative feelings and whatever actions or thought loops come after that's just wasted. if you can't change something all you can do is accept it and move on, or you will be spending your time and energy being miserable about it when misery changes nothing.
>>33589459it feels impossible to accept myself, because nothing feels like myself anymore. i just don't feel rooted in my personality or reality anymore, and even if i was, what i'm envious of i just cannot improve. and it's not just a few things either, there are times where i can't even watch any entertainment out of extreme envy or talk to my fake "friends" who pretend to understand it and put up with me, but don't understand how fucking lucky they are. i tried accepting things as they were once but i always got the feeling that they could be different and questioned why i of all people was to be made to suffer, and how everyone else around me even with their own faults were magically dealt the cards that would make my situation so much happier. just super lost, honestly
>>33590222honestly, you sound like you need a good amount of therapy, the lack of roots to reality, the belief that your friends are fake and they just put up with you, the extreme envy that affects your day to day functioning, etc.i sincerely encourage you to seek professional help, ideally a therapist at least twice a month, and you have to be willing to put in the energy and effort to allow things to umprove. if you just sit there and "listen" but insist that nothing will change and nothing can help you, then nothing will. you have to be open to the change, however difficult that may be. you're in a situation that will require an active effort to improve, and i hope you find the strength to do it
>>33590433therapy has been interesting for me... i've been attending for around three and a half years now, two therapists over that course of time (once a week mostly, at some times biweekly, as i'm trying to move it towards).it feels like there's something intrinsically wrong with me that therapy can't fix, you know? like i've gone through with all of their exercises, tried to listen, and even changed therapists due to lack of progress (first one started cutting our sessions early because he felt that i couldn't really be helped). my latest will cut me off whenever i'm in a 'space of no' or however she decides to call it that day, and it feels like the past three months i've made absolutely no progress with her. even my so-called 'friends' don't know what to do with me, or how to help me. it's kinda what brought me back to 4chan lol, so that i could get some kind of inference for *why* exactly i may be this way, even if i have to mentally filter out the unhelpful nonsense. starting hormones did jolt me back into reality to some degree (more often than before anyway), which is how i've been able to think more rationally at times and really come to the conclusion definitively that something just isn't... right with me. never has been. sites also just a good way for me to quell a neurotic break as oxymoronic as that may seem (the other boards i frequent are mostly just images)
>>33589104Realize that comparison is inherently insane, because there is a cause and effect for something arising, a cause and effect for something being, and a cause and effect for something passing away. Comparison can only enter into your mind if your forget yourself, reality, or the other person as constantly real (they are constantly real). It's insanity. Give it up. Turn your mind to some other theme of concentration instead.
Felt rather low energy today so I am going to try something unusual.I'm gonna set a 15 minute timer after this little paragraph, write replies with full focus until the 15 minutes are over, finish up the reply and take a 15 minute break. Rinse and repeat until I responded to everyone. I timed my posts the other day for this exact reason, I want to see what happens when I go by time rather than char limit.>>33580073>, I think I'll be cautious and firm next time we talk.A good call! But how do you feel now?> I don't know much about LISP, I might have to research more later today...personally, I like it as an extension language far better than python and the like, it makes Emacs comfortable and ergonomic for what it is. >>33580103>>33580159Thanks a lot, anon! I'll try and cobble together something for it then, by the time I update the pastes. If there are other books you would like to see added, tell me.>>33581498Excellent! How do you feel about them? Tried them out yet?Also, you can just call me OP if you want. >>33582068> i've heard a lot of bad stories with them and no good onesvery interesting, I'll keep that in mind when mentioning it in the future, thank you anon.>i mean i fucked that up as wellhow so?>>33582262>Bingo. It's all in my head sadly, but for the love of me I can't ignore it.Yes, trying to ignore it/repress would likely make it worse. But trying to change it by moving places can't work either. I think it will take therapy or some psychological approach. I know that these things can be treated/mitigated to some extent. I just lack the knowledge to provide details.>So what if I force myself to take a shower everyday they will start getting easier?It can, you can try and habituate, for example. We have some basic resources on it. The effect of habituation is that it compels you to do things without thinking about them, given the right stimuli ("triggers"). It greatly eases the mental strain and is how I can even function at times.
i did a half hearted sui prep after a binge and chickened, didnt do or take anything so im completely ok, not really mentally able to be a real threat to myself so i shouldnt call the police or anything. i will tell my uni counsellor tomorrow, i dont know what they'll do, i dont know what i want them to do. maybe i'll get to leave study even sooner but i feel thats just delaying the inevitable problems has anyone had experience with telling an authority person something that even sounds vaguely like you're an immediate risk? what happened, did it help or make things worse? ive told them about vague thoughts but nothing more
Hm, hit the 15 minute mark after the char limit. >>33582264You don't want to starve, anon. It is a lose-lose type of ordeal, because what you actually want is not "lose weight", but "have a lower weight". Those are two very different things, because one is about getting to a target weight once, and the other is about sustaining it in perpetuity. IF can be a great cheat, but malnutrition would fuck you up, possibly psychologically as well.>>33583692I am glad to hear my words helped, and I wish you all the best for monday, I assume you will know more by the time we talk again.As for chickpeas, they are a great protein, and honestly work in my opinion quite well even if just pan fried. Other than that I have used them in falafel and curries, or in stir fries with rice. Basically you can use them as a sub for meat in some ways.>>33583930I do like about her that she has this implied softer side to her character that just barely shines through. Any chance to reconnect with them?>>33584078Runner's high is a real thing, anon! I am glad it does you well.>>33584471kek>>33584663Oh my, gotta warn you though, I'm a guy and don't bottom.All horn aside I am genuinely glad that people seem to be glad /sig/ exists. I made it for a variety of reasons but among them to give back to a website I owe a few things to that are near and dear to my heart.>>33587416Stress is an incredibly insidious killer, removing stress from your life can have that major an impact. It takes a while to come down from it, so it would check out.Anything you would like to tackle, any unmet needs maybe?>>33590713>>33589104Very interesting, could you elaborate on that space of no thing? Could it be that you repressed a lot pretrans and you struggle to have certain things get through to you emotionally? Or is it something else? Sorry to barge into the conversation.
I am always lonely and needy for attention from people, but for some reason when I finally get a chance to be friends with someone, I just get an urge to distance myself and go back to being alone. That urge normally wins.I hate it. Don't have friends, never had irl ones. Never being into a relationship. Why can't I have a fucking normal social life.
>>33591219i can't give up what's become so ingrained>>33592569no worries mate. well, i knew with complete certainty that i was a girl before the age of seven. earliest i can remember of it was around four or five. i ended up repressing it for an extremely long time (and to a degree failing) because it felt wrong. i did have an extremely emotionally rough upbringing, so naturally i cannot express my emotions to others as well. when she says that, she seems to mean that i've 'shut down to all feedback or anything she says', which at times its hard not to because she pisses me off when she refuses to listen to anything that i say and goes off what those around me (the ones who used to emotionally abuse me) have said to her. thank god i'll be away from them in a month, finally moving somewhere that i can be content with myself.
>>33592652>i can't give up what's become so ingrainedMake little changes day to day, even if they take a conscious effort every time for a little while. It's only a matter of time until what was conscious becomes habitual and then, if it's good enough, unconscious and uncomplicated.
This is likely the last run for the night, quite astounding how one post takes about 15 minutes of concentrated reading and writing for me. >>33592169Glad nothing came of it. I have heard INCREDIBLY mixed and contradictory information on this. Some people would almost panic and urge you not to, others would be more encouraging. As for me.. I think the question is more why you chose to do that in the first place, in a way. Was it symbolic? Cause you called it half hearted. What was the actual core of it?>>33592579Sounds like AVPD, without wanting to armchair diagnose. But even if it isn't it may do you very well to read about it. You may also be anxious and scared of vulnerability. Past experiences? The good news is that it can be worked on, and if it is anxiety the recipe is likely even rather simple but just uncomfortable to do: exposure therapy. You will basically have to commit to go against your urge, and like other urges of this nature you will not always win the battle, but the goal is to expose you to discomfort and have nothing bad happen to you, ideally, even something good happen.>>33592652Yes, getting rid of those influences will be a key step, and it is awful your current therapist takes their word into account at all, that is not what I would expect them to do when dealing what even from this short exchange is obviously shit rooted in trauma.The good news is that you can, in a way, train yourself to force these internal barriers open. Of course this is gonna be hard while you are around the people where you needed them as a coping mechanism. But.. if there are people around you who you feel you can trust.. that would be a good time to try. I guess the issue is twofold, your own awareness of your emotions and your ability and willingness to comfortably express them to others. The former is in a way about mindfulness and undoing the numbing you have gone through, the latter is about building mental energy/courage. Doable, in many small steps.
>>33593039>Cause you called it half hearted. What was the actual core of it? i wanted to do it, i just got scared and it was so claustrophobic having my neck all trapped and stuff. sorry, also have a good night
>>33592690for some things, that has helped me, like with my eating disorder. but for a lot of others, after a while i stop, look at my lack of progress, break down, and give up. i go through cycles with trying to force myself to learn/do things that i desperately need, but just devolve back into anger and depression.>>33593039>Of course this is gonna be hard while you are around the people where you needed them as a coping mechanism.part of it developed out of their influence, and part of it developed out of a need to shield myself from... myself. my mind is one of the most contradictory and self destructive things to ever grace the world. i barely even feel like a single person anymore because of it, the constant infighting, dissonance.>The good news is that you can, in a way, train yourself to force these internal barriers open.often, i hear people give advice similar to this. about training yourself, and other mental shenanigans. but i've never really understood *how*. at times when people discuss their emotions, mainly with regards to mindset, i just cannot grasp that concept, ever. it's like i'm on a different field mentally. and it hurts. it could be because my mind is never truly there, it's always thinking about other things, or sucked into itself. my body is almost always on autopilot, but my mind is fighting with it, sometimes so strongly that i can barely remember what i'm doing or why i'm doing it.
>>33584601I'm smoking cigs at the moment and drinking, but I use to have a big problem with party drugs. Coke, mdma and acid. I use them to feel better at party's and the about people around me. I loss allot of money and I'm in pretty big credit card debt. But I kinda switch to drinking and smoking from that. Still very bad, but It a start. I believe in us to stop. keep it up. Days for me without smoking or drinking 1. Anki I will try it, I tried to learn japanese awhile back. Got stuck with kanji.>>33592569>>Any chance to reconnect with them?I don't know, I can try. But that's years around ago. If i can find a social of anyone I will shoot a dm. I don't remember their full names, tho. Maybe thur mutuals?>>33570568I got a job! Thanks!!! It's ok but I do need something to make rent. I'm keep looking on the side, I'm making less money. And the holidays are gonna shaft me on hours when I start next week.All and all, I'm tired running around all day for this job today. I didn't even eat today. Remember to eat everyone. I'm going out to eat before calling it a night.
>>33592162>very interesting, I'll keep that in mind when mentioning it in the future, thank you anon.a lot of top employers will work with recruiting agencies, but those agencies are picky with who they work with since they get approached a lot for their connectionsbut just paying someone to look for a job for you? i've been advised against that because they won't have your best interests in mind>how so?i ran out of medication and took forever trying to get a refill and only just now managed to schedule a new appt
>>33592162>Excellent! How do you feel about them? Tried them out yet?That's what I had looked at previously.Should arrive this week and i really hope i feel good wearing them, anything positive would be a win.
Days without smokes: 4Ankis failed: 1/23>>33593704i genuinely miss cigs. they are a money sink but they seemed to do everything more bearable. this is an attempt after breaking a clean streak of months so being reminded of how they help me despite being so shitty wasn't really good. i feel myself failing the streak again mid december since it's gonna be stressful times. hope you can quit yourself. much luck with the journey, much love.i tried mdma only once, after i came home at 4am that night, i was so awoke and energetic i got maidbrained and started cleaning the house until 7am.sorry to hear about the debt issues. do you work? do you think you can steadily recover from that?good luck with japanese if you decide to start that. kanji isn't that bad as it may feel at face value.
Quite honestly how some of you behave
>>33579884>Yeah, routines are a good backbone, but there needs to be some meat on that, some variety to keep us sane and happy. I think it would be great for you to take one goal in particular and try to pin a date and time to it. Having a concrete, actionable thing with a beginning, middle and an end that you can hold yourself accountable to might help a great deal. Procrastination sucks, but it is an ongoing fight for everyone I think.News/updateTherapy is mornings only same with closing an appointment. I work morning all week. I waited too long for no reaosn and missed my chance. Frick.I finally took a shower, slept well and planning to buy a few supplements to help me, plsu razors and an epilator for hygiene routines.Biggest news...I am willing to buy hrt. Not use just buy it..to see if I can have it. I know this might not be very relevant to the thread but this means two thingsI am tired of being tired. I am don with wasting time. I wanna move on from everything holding me back. Basic thoughts for the time buying. Take care.
why do i even have hope anymore
>>33602402because hope is sometimes all you can have in a hopeless world. always fight for what you have and fight to reach what you hope for, it's noble in a way, and it's worth it, but maybe that's the punk in me talking. live out of spite if you have to, but never give up the fight.what's got you feeling like this though?
does anyone think it’s possible to fall back in love with a partner you’ve fallen out of love with? I started dating current partner halfway through an episode and early this year I just…. woke up. I already know that I should leave them but I put everything into this relationship. all my money went into our shared apartment, furniture, new car… everything. our families are on great terms and my family adores them. part of me is also scared that this is a “grass is always greener” situation, like I’ll leave them and I’ll fall back into psychosis without an anchor. I feel so alone with this…
>>33602592>what's got you feeling like this though?i severely failed the birth lottery and i cannot ignore it anymore using my old ways
>>33592569>Stress is an incredibly insidious killer, removing stress from your life can have that major an impact. It takes a while to come down from it, so it would check out.Hm yeah think that may have been it.>Anything you would like tackle, any unmet needs maybe?I don’t know. I’m worried about how I’ll maintain this, and if it was just a result of me staying at my aunt’s place then I also worry it will end as soon as I’m back with my parents. I guess my best bet is keeping up the movement thing I’ve got going on.
>>33602741sometimes it's just luck of the draw, and i'm sorry you were dealt a bad hand, but again i insist that you hold onto hope and keep fighting with what you have, friend. it will be worth it.
>>33593145Do not be sorry. I am glad you told me, sorry I replied only now. How did it go? Did you tell them?>>33593404>i just cannot grasp that concept, ever> it could be because my mind is never truly thereHave you ever looked into dissociation? It sounds like you struggle with it. Especially the autopilot thing tipped me off. For example, does this hit close to home?https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215Cause if it does, and your therapist did not pick up on it when even I could make that connection after two exchanges.. then it may take a therapist that listens to you, not your family. Or maybe they can be >>33593704sounds like a plan! Also, wishing you all the best with your plans to quit smoking/drinking.>>33593915I'm glad you managed to get an appt though. Could this become a reoccurring issue or how does the upkeep of your prescription work?>>33596747Do keep us posted, ok? I look forward to it.>>33597365Kek, I'm fascinated by that remark. How so?>>33598619Sounds like a plan, anon! Ganbatte.>I work morning all week. I waited too long for no reaosn and missed my chance. Frick. Do you know about the week after already?>>33602402>>33602741what is it in particular? is it about being trans, something else?>>33602728In short? Yes. It is not the most romantic thing to say but actually ... it is normal for romantic relationships to have dry spells. The first thing I would ask you is: are you two friends on top of lovers?>>33603259Yes, 1) keep up the momentum, 2) .. if living with your parents is a contributor the question is how your current circumstances allow to work your way into independence. If it's in the cards, what options you have?
i can't stop thinking about my friend who committed suicide last year, i'm at work right now and i've had to go to the back to collect myself after i started crying like fucking twice it just sucks it sucks it fucking sucks i'm so fucking mad she had so much she wanted to do and had so many ways she wanted to help people and she'll never get to fucking do it i just canmt fucking deal with it right now it's just so fucking hard she helped keep me going when i almost lost my own fiht and now shems just fucking gone I'M SO FUCKING MAD GOD FUCKING DAMMIT
I fucking did it after almost becoming homeless. I moved out of my parents house. One trip to grippy sock jail later, I finally have a room mate taking me in. At 27. Most of my life I kept wasting time, saying I'll move out eventually it took my parents putting their feet down telling me they will never accept me, only for me to go to the psych ward and for them to turn around actually being big supporters. I guess when you talk about an hero enough and think about an heroing people eventually just accept you. I fucking did it, god bless America. I'm MtF and that's never going away. God fucking bless America and holy fuck, yall in this thread you can do it too.
>>33604061i have mentioned my constant disassociation to her multiple times, and even to my prior therapist, but they both treat it (and most of my other issues) as minor asterisks. i don't intend to continue on with her after i move, so hopefully i can get actual help from someone when i start over. though i doubt i actually have a dissociative disorder- actually there's a chance that a car accident i was involved in was the result of disassociation, but all evidence other than my lapse in memory for those ten seconds leads to tyre failure sending me into the pole (insurance believes that). i have no idea, and i doubt that it can be treated>>33604695i really feel you on this. from my own experiences, the intensely or impulsively suicidal get so drawn into their own negativity that they no longer realise the positive impacts that they have had for other people in their lives... as someone who was once deeply absorbed into that cycle of thought, you fail to realise the impact that committing would have on those around you, and that whether you know it or not, you were a positive force on someone.>>33605448preach
What do you suggest for someone who is trying to get over black and white thinking?
Should I eat or go to sleep (i am hungry but trying to lose weight)
>>33605571yeah idk like i understand why she did it, i've been there and i've tried to get out the same way she did, i'm just so fucking mad. she was robbed of a life that could have been and my heart fucking aches knowing what she deserved and what she would have done with her life moving forward. idk i'm just... really fucking upset. i haven't even been able to eat today i just don't know how to deal with her being gone some days
>>33605573dbt wise mind, and use other dbt skills like stop if youre having an emotional reaction>>33605585eat 3 meals a day with 2-3 snacks, dont eat 3-4 hours before bed. you can control the rest
>>33604061>how does the upkeep of your prescription work?amphetamines are both in shortage and are controlled substances, i can't ask for a long term prescription
Past my bedtime, goodnight!>>33605585If your intake today was above 1000kcal, and your BMI is above 23, sleep. If one of the two is incorrect, eat.>>33605571>as minor asterisks.imcompetent fucks. Sorry to hear. I am not sure about the treatment thing. Your emotional barriers can be worn down, I am sure of that much, and even if it is not a dissociative disorder, your disconnectedness with your feelings very strongly suggests SOMETHING that stems from trauma. It would be work but what you describe, that lack of understanding, is primarily an issue of finding an appropriate toolset to hand you.>>33604695It's an awful thing. And tragedy like that will always beget more tragedy. One reason I go so aggressively against all forms of self harm, really. There is something visceral about my wish to prevent hurt from spreading.>>33605448I am so glad they woke up from their bullshit. But I would like to stress that one should never try to willingly foster an heroing thoughts. If one has them, out with them, communicate them to anyone willing to listen, fuck, anyone unwilling to as well for good measure. It's so damn important.>>33606122Ah crap, so you will have to jump through hoops each time? That sucks, but I have faith you will get the hang of it with time. Did you check some of the ADHD resources we added recently?
>>33606122nta or anyone else, have you tried strattera?
>>33606190i understand, i know it sounds silly coming from someone who's on here seeking help and is dealing with their own issues, but i want to be a therapist one day, it's why i'm going back to school. i just want to do everything i can to mitigate the hurt that people go through as a "i never want you to experience whag i experienced" sort of thing. idk.
>>33606190>Ah crap, so you will have to jump through hoops each time?well the hoop is just scheduling an appointment with a psychfor less controlled medication i could just kinda send an email asking for more, but for i think ADHD meds are lumped into the same category as meth and heroin >Did you check some of the ADHD resources we added recently?i have not
going to start posting again starting now, my sleep schedule is fucked, past few days have been better than usual because I've had more "authority" over my decisions. I'll try and wake up earlier every day from now until it's early enough. To do that I'll need to get tired during the day, so it's a good opportunity to start working out again, maybe after studying 30 mins/1 hour to start, it'd honestly be progress if I do anything at all so I'll just aim to start doing either of these things for as little as I can and see how much I can do once I manage to start.>>33605573If you have the privilege, talk to more people, get different opinions and ideas and you'll see your worldview not necessarily change but maybe become more adept at thinking differently than what you're used to.
>>33607204But how do I figure out what is the truth?
Where the fuck is self destruction general?!
>>33608803i only made that gen twice, and the first time i was on meth. i just make it as an excuse to rant incoherently about hatinf myselfit's not coming back but you can resurrect it if you want
>>33580073based pic
Days without smokes: 5Ankis failed: 3/20
You're good people
>>33604061>>I work morning all week. I waited too long for no reaosn and missed my chance. Frick. >Do you know about the week after already?Well god said lmao and my boss said I work eveings from tomorrow through next week too!So I will try to get the appointment going.Starting to start some self improvement stuff. I keep stumbling and procrastinating things but I got around to it. Need some motivation to finally make the big purchases. Same with hrt. I got no clue and I am asking question in hrtgen already for help and like...Idk. Useless crap in my headddddddI hope my friend is ok..I am worried about...everyone instead of myself ig.
>>33606190i barely even understand what people mean by toolset... i can read all of these papers, books, websites, etc, and understand it, but i cannot at all figure out how to apply it. >>33610612many of the ones who seem to frequent this thread are, yeah. you can find good people anywhere, they may not make themselves obvious to the eye.ah well, no point complaining today anyway. i'm going to take my snake oil (hrt), force myself to eat, pretend to be someone i'm not in therapy so she shuts the fuck up, then lay in bed doing absolutely nothing again. maybe delete my online presence again since no one would care or understand enough. but such is life. it isn't my body that i'm ruining, anyway.
>>33608881>>33608803Unbased. Jannies got rid of it and I wasn't done venting. Sick of these improving cunts. I'm a fag, it was over before it started.
Coomed to the same shit again I fuckign disgustingI hate itI hate myself for doing it and then being ok with existing.Just need to stop the gay femboy porn for realAlmost got outed to discord friends too jesus christ I am terrible.
can someone give me advice with dating as a troon? i keep registering on dating apps and meeting people who id love to date but i always chicken out when it actually comes to doing something irl because what if my pictures are too different from how i really look? im terrified of posting unflattering pictures because i would be crushed if i got mean comments, but im terrified of meeting people who havent seen my unflattering pictures either, idk what to do. how does everyone deal with this?
bump. where are my girl friends
>>33614057laying in bed listening to the sonic cd ost again
Have to spend most of today and tomorrow cleaning because family is coming over for thanksgiving. I'll try to check in with my progress tonight.
>>33614171https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hoYLMYeWpA
i overate again
>>33614603such a good ost to disassociate to lol
>>33614965i read that as "i ovulate again" and i got jealous
>>33615811>i read that as "i ovulate again"I have been consistently perceiving it in that manner every single time that I peruse this thread.
>>33604061>If it's in the cards, what options you have?Not many for the moment except working hard and patiently waiting unfortunately. I wouldn’t blame all of my problems on my parents though. But I do think moving would improve my mental health.
Ah, bump limit. Gonna work on it in a sec.>>33606464It's a sweet sentiment! Good deeds shall multiply, so to say. I don't think it is silly at all. Even if you don't end up going into therapy the idea of wanting to do something social to help people is absolutely sensible.>>33606977>i have notwould it be alright to "burden" you with it?>>33607204Sounds lovely, anon! I'm always happy to see peeps return. I jut have such a poor memory that I struggle keeping details in my head and need frequent reminding.> I've had more "authority" over my decisions. Oh? What was up?>>33605573Hmm.. could you provide an example that is near and dear to your heart?>>33608881Oh I remember the first one. I really hope you don't self destruct further anon. I do genuinely want people to be better. Including >>33611810!>>33608957Naisu Junko! I like multiples of 5, though powers of 2 are even better.>>33610612Sweet of you anon. I am sure we're all trying our best. And I am thankful for all of you.>>33610913Awesome news! Overcoming procrastination etc is hard. You are making undeniable progress though. And I think you should be proud of that.>.I am worried about...everyone instead of myself ig.I can relate, but the ones I care for often also give me the strength to take care of myself for them. You know, preserve someobody I know is there for them.>>33611116That is the hardest thing in a way. I often like to very deliberately distinguish the notions of "simple" and "easy" when talking about approaches to help oneself. Most are simple, but not easy, the hard part is the doing. Some are easy but not at all simple, so the hard part is figuring them out. Have you ever tried journaling? Specifically, something like a diary, where you try to attribute day to day events to emotions you might feel? Trying to find words for things?>>33611982What is wrong with fapping to gay stuff, anon? Tell me about what it means to you.
>>33616603>What was up?I was in a bad place surrounded by toxic people, I got out and I'm now able to think more clearly without autopiling as much.I got used to failing before, now it's time to get used to getting up and keep trying, that's the missing piece I needed.
NEW THREAD, best reply there.>>33616747>>33616747>>33616747>>33616747>>33612525If you are worried about catfishing people by accident, then I think being upfront about that insecurity is a good approach. People who won't humor as much as that likely won't be exactly sensitive to begin with.>>33614269How's it going, anon?>>33614965Are you one of the anons that struggle with anorexia?>>33616020Of course, of course. Relationships with parents can be a complicated thing like that. It is still perfectly fine to identify them as a source of stress. I think it would be great to carefully monitor your stressors and keep exploring outlets for recovery.>>33616841Oh thank fuck, anon. Getting out of such tar pits is no easy feat. Be proud of yourself!
