How can I be perceived as less retarded? I am a mentally ill disabled man.I believe there are multiple reasons why I'm so slow... My EXTREMELY abusive adopted parents intentionally made my mental health worse on purpose because they wanted me to qualify for Social Security Disability Benefits as a minor so they could profit from my suffering. My 1st abusive adopted father was an alcoholic malevolent lying psychopath who died of alcohol poisoning from excessive drinking. If Heaven and Hell exist, then I can guarantee you he is burning in Hell and here's why:- boiled water in a pot and forced me to keep my hands in the hot water until it was room temperature (he took it off the stove and forced me to do this in the living room) while eating ice cubes in front of me. He also would pretend like he was about to add some ice to the steaming pot of water, agonizingly slowly, just to quickly pull it away and laugh at me while also gaslighting me telling me that he already added ice!- he raped me when I was only 7 (not even close to the worst thing)- he also got me to "play a game" with him where I would put these little paper squares on my tongue and the longer I kept it on my tongue the more candy I would get... He was drugging me with LSD and torturing me to fuck me off mentally ASAP because he wanted me to qualify for disability benefits as a minor. He tortured me in a variety of ways... Not only did he suffocate me with my own pillow until I was unconscious and wake me up by pouring boiling water on me just to do it over again, but he also would push in my eyes painfully hard (gave me permanent eye damage), blow a whistle in my ears (after adding his own foam ear protection of course), but he would SMOTHER me in boiling hot water while I was high on LSD, hit my balls several times, laugh at me like the devil, convince me I was actually dying for real this time, and also he would pick me up and drop me into a tub of freezing cold water.
He was really determined to get his money's worth...He would also give me very brief moments of slightly less suffering via forcing my 7 year old self to inhale nitrous oxide via whipped cream. Because of this, I have had multiple PTSD mental breakdowns throughout my childhood from seeing cans of whipped cream in the refrigerator at a friend's place. I would freeze in place and be STRUCK with a sense of overwhelming dread and horror and not even remember why because I suppressed the memories.I have been seeing a psychologist for years.My abusive adopted mom divorced him and moved with me out of state to go live with family after he was arrested for raping me. He was sexually assaulted so hard via having a broom shoved up his ass that he had to get surgery to repair his intestine. I made the MASSIVE MISTAKE of refusing to consent to the examiner taking a look at my stretched out 7 year old asshole because I knew that if I showed her, my dad would get in trouble. I was under some EXTREME Stockholm syndrome and I wish they would have held me down and looked anyway because this lying demonic psychopathic piece of shit pled Not Guilt and got away with it.I also remember overhearing my abusive adopted mom talk to my grandparents about the horrific trauma that I suffered through and heard that my grandparents said I was a lost cause... They were probably right...My great grandma would drug my food when I was only 8-12 years old. Probably because I called her out for being a liar at church. She would make my food taste absolutely terrible anytime I wasn't watching (going to the bathroom) and was clearly very amused by watching me eat it. She had a big psychopathic smile on her face and would encourage me to eat every last bit of my food. She was so fucking evil that she would force me to eat it, body block me from throwing the food into the trash or the sink, and get me grounded for refusing to eat the food that she was obviously making taste terrible on purpose.
>>27784270Fuck I am so sorry. I was abused too - raped at the same age by my father, and treated as an infant by my mother until my 20s (she would bathe me herself even as an adult, force me to sleep in the same bed with her, wouldn’t let me go to school until middle school, wouldn’t let me touch anything that could be “dangerous” or “dirty” so I couldn’t do anything for myself). It messed up my mind completely and gave me OCD and PTSD that I still struggle with today. But the level of suffering that you went through sounds just objectively much worse, so I can only imagine what it was like. You are insanely brave to survive that and it doesn’t have to be the center of your life. It’s completely messed up what happened to you and nothing can or should make it okay, but if there is any small silver lining, you probably have survival skills that will serve you well in life. Of course if you are like me, you are also probably missing a lot of the regular skills that people have related to socialization or just caring for yourself or coping with stress in a basic way, but you can go back and develop those. It sucks, it’s really frustrating, but you’ve dealt with way worse, you’ll make progress. Also, based on your writing, you don’t sound at all like a retard.
>>27784270I'll disregard my shock. You sound very introspective.So to answer your question, you can be perceived as less retaded by speaking in a steady and thought-out manner. To put it simply, speak when you need to.
>>27785760I am sorry that you were also traumatized. I highly recommend trying to get a [free] psychologist to help you be more functional.Thank you for letting me know that my typing does not come across as retarded. Speaking is something entirely different because it's much more fast paced & I'm very monotone - probably thanks to having the emotional part of my brain absolutely fucking OBLITERATED while I was on LSD at such a young age. People talk over me all the time and my lack of hygiene (teeth are great, but I rarely change my clothes or do laundry because I crave the comfort same feel so I can concentrate better on my surroundings) is pretty bad... I've often heard people call me retarded after I've talked to them and walk away. My clothes do not appear dirty, but I "stink up a storm" apparently.>>27786988>disregard my shockI'm permanently stuck in a state of shock due to the EXTREME ABUSE I suffered. A friend who sold me LSD has told me and others that I am impervious to LSD because I can take high doses (5 tabs) and literally nothing will change. I'm not entirely sure why, but I imagine the receptors in my brain are so fried that the drug doesn't do anything for me. Probably for the best.Thank you for the compliment of saying I'm introspective. I have been seeing therapists/psychologists for years. I do try to speak in a steady & thought out manner, but I'm so dysfunctional due to being blitzed out of my fucking mind repeatedly that it takes more effort to talk than neurotypical person.I was tortured so badly to a point that I legitimately had to relearn how to fucking walk. My whole world's perspective changed for the worse and all of this was done intentionally because of a psychopath's greed.
>>27787767Have you ever tried working with a speech therapist? I have never worked with one, but I know this often helpful for people who have an odd tone, accent, or lisp.As far as dealing with hygiene…what if you scented your clothes right out of the wash with a particular cologne so that they always feel familiar even if they’ve been washed? It’s a hard problem, not sure if that will help but maybe.
>>27788926I'll give it a shot.Maybe I should scent my clothes. It's mostly a texture thing for me, so I've considered doing research studies to make some extra money so that I can buy more premium & comfortable clothes
>>27784270Holy fucking shit OP. I don't know what to say, that's some of the most horrifying things I've ever read. I'm so sorry you suffered so much when you were defensless, so many people failed you in the most basic and fundamental ways. The fact that you're still here and are capable of surviving those experiences and still look forward to improving yourself is a testament to your endurance and perseverance. Really I admire your strength to keep going after all that. Know that absolutely nothing that happened to you was ever your fault, and the effects of that abuse is not your fault, and anyone that judges you or doesn't understand just doesn't know who you are or how strong you are. I'm sorry the system and all the adults around you failed so profoundly to protect you. You didn't deserve any of it, and I hope you can heal and find peace in the future.
>>27784270Your writing is too good. Your perception too sharp. You are not retarded by any means but you have been lead to believe that you are by your abusers. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope some day with therapy or personal insight you realize your value. Your use of language is too clear and descriptive to even be autistic. There is nothing wrong with you other than what was caused by the abuse.