Please help me, I'm really really conflicted and this is really important for me :My (former) best friend kept blocking me everytime we had a disagreement or a problem (either that or they stopped replying)Is it justified for me to not want to speak at all with this person?More detail : Last night I got really mad at the fact he won't stop blocking me all the time, basically I'm frustrated because it happened over a 100 time now ; I told him to leave forever and never speak to me again (or else...)I got angry because being blocked/ignored randomly makes me very anxious, it makes me feel terrible, the last 2 weeks I have been blocked every two days and each time I have a mini mental breakdown ; I don't think I can go on like thisKeep in mind that these blocks happen for something as slight as me calling them out or disagreeing with how they are doing things etc. ; I'm not an abusive or angry person (unless I get blocked)But on the other hand, I feel like in my other friendships I don't care this much about being blocked. Maybe because I have no really close friends besides this person.What's your opinion? I'm on the verge of going back to apologize to this person (for the 100th time), and promising to be "more chill" and not care about being blocked every other day (I probably can't)
bumping : (
this is literally emotional abuse, they sound like they're disabled and trying to control you, they know it hurts you and that's why they do it probably
I know it's a cliche but go outside. Your world shouldn't be spiraling because some faggot abuses the block button. It sounds codependent and retarded.
>>27048365maybe, I have a hard time recognizing someone as abusive because some people over-use that word but you're probably right>>27048384Yes it's true, I know you are right and I'm already trying to make friends outside of my house but it's an ongoing process that takes time, in the meantime I'm pretty lonely and sensitiveI made this thread to get a "reality check" kind of, so thanks for thathonestly thanks for your replies
>>27048384but I mean, do you recognize though, that it's inaceptable for a friend to do that?you're saying I shouldn't care, but wouldn't you care if one of your friends did that to you? you mean you would simply ditch them, or you'll let them do it over and over?my dilemma is like this : do I keep this friend, and decide to not care whether they block me or not ; or do I ditch this friend?
>>27048411>>27048384to rephrase, I want to know whether I'm the problem and getting angry is an overreaction ; or he's the problem for blocking me over and overI guess an answer is "you're both the problem" but that answer wouldn't help me figure out what to do
>>27048420it's honestly both, the other anon is right in that this is kind of codependent, you honestly strike me as very anxious and possibly borderline, and this other person is the controlling one and is probably narcissistic or is also potentially borderline and is sensitive to criticism, but if they are bpd I suspect they are comorbid with narcissism unless they show EXTREME signs of distress when they are blocking youbut more than likely this seems like an npd/codependent relationship
>>27048445>>27048420oh, don't apologize when he blocks you at all and set clear boundaries that if he does it again you want a break from talking to him at all. I suspect you might be the kind of person that this will be difficult for and you might freak out, but you have to do this to break your codependency on someone who is abusing your feelings to feel better about themselves.
>>27048445I'm not anxious in my everyday life, or at least not "that" anxious (my "normie" sister starts panicking 2 hours after no reply, I can usually take a few days)I simply became more and more intolerant in this one "friendship" because traumatized by previous "abuse" (sometimes I'd get randomly blocked for 2 months)I'm very attached to this person, I'm aware it's because I'm lonely besides that, this is also why I care so much about their absence (I usually don't really care)Anyway I won't whine more and ask : so your advice would be.. what? cut ties with this person? keep a mild distance with this person? something else?
>>27048459> if he does it again you want a break from talking to him at allI actually did this already, this is why I got so angry last night I think I really need to have some self-respect and stop thinking and wanting to speak to him at all but I'm just ... I really have no other friendsI'll focus on other ongoing things in my life - studies, hobbies, etc... - and wait for the feeling of sadness and emptiness to disappearit's nice that someone else comes to the same conclusions as me, it comforts me in my belief I made the right decision
>>27048492It is. If this person really cares about you, they will communicate with you about what's happening and APOLOGIZE. They will admit what they're doing is wrong and take steps to change. Change can be very hard for some people, but if they aren't willing to do and aren't genuinely interested in it(and not just saying it to further manipulate you) then the relationship isn't what you think it is and you are blatantly being used. I know that's hard, and I know what it feels like. It's awful. But don't latch onto someone like a narcissist who abuses you emotionally just because you don't have other friends. It's legitimately better to be alone.
>>27048514Thank you man, I definitely think you're right.I mean, I'm here overthinking and on the verge of apologizing... what is he doing? right? I shouldn't be the only one making that effort, but I've been for so longI just needed to hear itI guess this thread is over now, talking to you reminded me of many important facts that don't coincide with the representation I have of this "friend" and I guess I just need to let go of my illusions
>>27048420It sounds like you both are too terminally online. I'm not saying you have to cut ties but you need to start taking this relationship with a grain of salt because it's clearly unhealthy. I'd put my attention into making new friends in real life instead of worrying about this one. If he wants to talk great if he throws a temper tantrum whatever. If you had anyone else in your world this wouldn't be a problem.
>>27048535I'm really sorry it's like this. Hopefully things work out for the best.
>>27048537Yeah you're right, I'm working on making real life friendsAt least obsessing over real life people leads to something, plus they can't really block you for no reason
>>27048537but, I still have a question, isn't there a point where you ultimately have to have someone you can "count on" ? I know it's clearly not him, but even if I had other friends in real life, even ifI had 10 friends, I'd be upset if one of them that I "count on" blocked me for this or that reasonI think what you mean is ; the problem isn't so much that I'm terminally online, it's that I'm so isolated that the only person I can "count on" is that abusive weirdo ; what I really need is "options", not to be fine with being blocked but to be fine to let go of abusers
>>27048384you're a retard.to care that much about some internet stranger blocking you in the first place, you just know1. that's a bitch or a very effeminate male2. it has daddy/mommy issuesthese people NEED someone to be codependant onand they just happen to be SO socially awkward online is their only option>>27048420to answer your question, YOU are the problem, not because of your "anger issues" but because you probably wanted a friend like that in the first place.>>27047474>Last night I got really mad at the fact he won't stop blocking me all the time, basically I'm frustrated because it happened over a 100 time nowit wasnt your fault the first time, but the 99 others were.if you really want to ditch them, do it. people come and go. you'll find a replacement.but then dont complain about your friendship being boring because they dont block you a 100's times.many such cases
…OP is your name Nicole?
>>27048584Yes and no. It's extremely nice to have someone in your corner, but it isn't a requirement, and it doesn't have to be just one person. Or even if it is, if it's always them.What matters is a support system, not the form, or quantity of people it takes. I know people with one ride-or-die homie, people with groups of good (but not super clos) friends where they "spread the load" and even some folks that use things like a therapist or an Adult Children of Alcoholics & Disfunction group for those needs. Don't get hung up on specifics. Identify what your needs are, then sit down and figure out a way to get them met without hurting anyone or being hurt in return.
>>27048420>answer is "you're both the problem">that won't help me figure out what to doLook at it differently OP because it should.Codependency, and emotional abuse are much more mutual dynamics then physical/psychological abuse. What you've admitted to doing, blocking this other person in turn, blowing up then going back, etc., is emotionally abusive and controlling in its own right.Codependency does not form in a vacuum, it is not isolated to one "target," and it's not self-contained to be a single negative behavior pattern in an individual. There is a preponderance of evidence/data in this regard.TLDR, if you're in this dynamic you're just as broken/toxic.While this person has no right to harm you, you have no right to put 100% of the blame on them. There are no true victims in an emotionally abusive dynamic between adults.The other post have already hit the stuff you can/should do so I'll throw this out to you: Give Codependent No More by Melody Beattie a read and do what it says. Got a strong hunh it will resonate with you.
>>27050050I just feel like I can put 100% of the blame on them for being a shit friend, but 100% of the blame on myself for sticking with a shit friend ( I tried introducing this person to new friends and they all either went crazy or ignored him) I just feel like "putting the blame on myself" is what I do all the time and is what leads me to going back (my logic goes : if I'm the problem, I just need to do things differently for it to work ; it's exactly because of that I came back so many times)
>>27050095Correct! Both of those statements are mutually true.As well, being able to 1) recognize that, and 2) act (with follow through!) on it is incredibly positive.Codependency if fucking awful, and it only gets worse/ more hard-wired the longer a person engages in those dynamics.I'm 35 OP, and have been in these sorts of dynamics for 30 of them. First my parents, then my job, then my ex-wife.Trust me when I say the sooner you see/start to work on this stuff, the easier it is.
>>27050095And also, there is 100% no shame in dropping an abusive person (regardless of relationship) so long as you have clearly communicated your wants/needs, and they absolutely refuse to work with you on meeting them in a respectful way.
>>27050050Trying to claim that there's any mutuality in these kinds of relationships is literally victim blaming. Yes, there is a certain onus on the victim to separate themselves, but trying to blame the victim and tell them they're somehow equally wrong is horseshit and enabling.
>>27050242Ownership of how one contributes to a two-party dynamic is not the same as victim blaming.Codependency is a form of controlling behavior patterns executed through emotional manipulation. This manipulation can only be achieved by becoming a victim of a complementary yet opposite stet of negative behavior patterns. Both dynamics feed each other.Not even acknowledging that prevents any chance of a person identifying and then changing the patterns that lead to this repeated outcome. Plus, it's the highest sort of cope. Like with a lot of mental health issues, the saying "that's a reason, NOT an excuse" applies.No person deserves to be hurt. That fact doesn't change the fact that if you keep putting you hand down in a dark kitchen full of hot burners, you're probably going to keep getting burned until you turn on a light.
>>27050242Nigga.....How much have you actually read up on this?Or any mood/self-esteem disorder for that matter?
>>27050312you don't blame the retards who are vulnerable for getting taken advantage of by the bigger retards who specifically prey on the vulnerable. There is a very clear hierarchy of blame there, and in the absence of the predator the prey can function just fine. They are simply more likely to be prey because they can't tell. That doesn't mean it's their fault, and nothing they do in the relationship is their problem except for allowing themselves to get suckered in in the first place. But after that, literally EVERYTHING can be put at the feet of one person. THAT's how abusive relationships typically work. One person is the abuser, the other person is the reactionary with poor boundaries and an inability to cope.
>>27047474DitchSounds like a totally unreliable fair-weather friend at BEST.
>>27047474>friend>blockYour definition of "friend" is retarded.Your standards for friendship are too low.Your problem exists because you are stupid.
>>27047474Like nigga, if you're having anxiety and anger about friendship.What the fuck are you doing? Why do you willingly stay in situations that piss you off? That's fucking retarded.>muh mental breakdownYeah no shit, you're a moron who subjects yourself to bad situations and bad emotions and instead of fixing it you just cry about it.Tell you what I'd do.I wouldn't be friends with someone who pisses me off.I wouldn't have anxiety over someone else's behaviour (because if they're that unreliable I do not consider them a friend)And I certainly wouldn't stay in that situation long enough to get breakdowns over it.>but muh eyesolashun! but muh selfer steem!You're a moron who solves your emotional problems in unhealthy ways.
>>27047474If they block you there's no shame in ditching them. In fact it's the right thing to do, even though it's what they want.
>>27050370The thing is it isn't that simple. In what you describe there's no account for the fact that the "weaker retard" subconsciously seeks out/attracts the stronger consciously hating it. Conversely the "stronger retard" is actually incapable of getting the weaker retard on their own due to the fact that they're always more wrapped up in their own issue (usually an addiction, a more severe mental health problem, several mental health issues concurrently, or a combo thereof).Ironically, the thing that keeps the "strong" retard from acquiring the "weak" one on their own is usually so unsustainable that the strong retard would implode (either by death or bottoming out) without the involvement/intervention/sustainment from the weak one.I believe the technical term is either a "mutually parasitic dynamic" or "complementary negative feedback loop."It's why abuse victims always wind up with abusers and vice versa.
>>27050370The negative behaviors become so intermeshed that if one tries to assign a hierarchy it can boil down to "who initiated first contact becomes the alpha abuser."Kind of silly when IRL that could be an act as benign as saying "hello" for the first time.
>>27050791you don't assign a hierarchy there are typically very clear reasons for what's happening in those relationships that boil down to very common and specific dysfunctions and almost always it's just some cluster b retard or someone abusing drugs or both abusing some codependent.
>>27050855>>27050791oh sorry, I mean there is a hierarchy, but that genuinely applies to what I just said. There is almost always a dominant abuser, and to try and say that a codependent's attempts to STOP being abused are themselves abuse or manipulation is just kind of dumb
>>27050866Gotcha. 100% agree that a codependent's attempts to stop being abused are not abuse in and of themselves. They have every right to get away.My point was more that the way we're wired a lot of these "attempts" are going to be purely superficial and doomed to fail. Not because we don't want them to work, but because we've got metaphorical blinders on that keep us from seeing what to do to make them successful.Man, look at us, communicatin n' shit....
>>27047474Don’t waste your time on people who don’t value you. If they wisen up and reach out to you again, tell them that if you’re really friends that they won’t do something shitty like that again.
unironically beat the shit out of them. i have no idea why this worked for me, but it should work for you too.
>>27047474You are not wrong. Your friend is. You should not feel bad about HIS neurotic behavior. It is time to reconsider whether you need a friend who causes you more pain than pleasure.
>>27047474block them. this person is not a friend. or ignore it. i'm 37 with a friend who every now and then if i dont play the game he wants, he says we're not friends anymore. i just say ok. it's fuckin weird. he's diag'd schizo or so he says. and has isolated himself 4 states away. i say good riddance. i've known him since we were 13, for 24 years. and i wouldnt see him for years, then i'd have to track him down and we'd be friends for a while. then hed disappear again. then id track him down. some folks just want to be left alone, or require too much ass kissing. if that's what you want to waste your time on, go right ahead. but you probably have better shit to do liike.. re- sort shampoo bottles, or wash your pillow cases
>>27047474What is this tranime?
>>27047474Tell him that you will be a good girl and that you will try not to madden him again. Optionally, use a ":(" smiley for extra submi—... points.In all seriousness, he looks like an autistic bratty retard. Consistently verbally abuse them every time they unblock you to correct this or treat him like a stranger—whatever you find most pleasing. You probably have given him too much attention.
No here's what you'll do:Get him to unblock you again and then block him instead. It will be the last time you ever talk.You'll feel better about it if you give him a taste of his own medicine.
>>27047474Op, you are fucking retarded. Why are you still talking to someone who blocks you habitually? Why are you asking for advice when you already know what to do?The only explanation I can think of is that you're like 11 years old.
I once had a close friend unfollow me on Instagram because I started following his gf and liked a few of her pics. It was literally a pic of her cat and a pic of them at a rock concert. She confirmed to me over phone that he did have a problem with me. Wtf??