I fell for a girl we got really really close, although there were boundaries and things clearly needed to be taken slow. She was clearly a moody person, who bottled up emotions and had trouble expressing herself. We saw each other everyday at work, talked for hours some days, we texted on and off all day almost everday. Looking back, I realize this may have been an issue. But she was reciprocating so I just kept doing it. Even after work she'd text me stuff so it's not like she was just trying to be nice. She'd ask questions and stuff. There were clear feelings of interest from both of us, I felt a super strong connection. She emotionally opened up to me a bit too. Anyways, after she had left the job, a shift took place. While it's only been a few weeks, she's been very hot and cold. She'll ignore some of my texts, and she'll answer them other times. It could be the same exact text, asking how she's doing a few days apart and she'd ignore one and answer the other.When she does text back, she responds within seconds, and will send long messages like a paragraph to answer a question. She's not just giving one word answers.Anyways, I realized she may be scared, and also probably feels like things were moving too fast and felt smothered. I gave her a few days between shooting her a text, and like I said some days she'd answer others ignored. I just gave her 6 days and shot her a text asking how she is doing, and she hasn't responded (sent yesterday). While I can chalk it up to disinterest, this does not add up.My next plan was to completely not text her, and just give her like 3 weeks to initiate, if I don't hear from her, shoot her a text and if she ignores it then that's all I can do.Do people with these avoidant personalities, ever come back? We got very close for a month, it's not like we met for a day. So she couldn't forget about me easily. She did say she has like 1 friend, so maybe she has a habit of pushing people away and they just give up.
Yeah give her space to breathe but u don’t have to ghost her , just like , let her know everything is okay and that ur not too needy for her attention , cause the feeling that someone needs ur attention makes us avoid u , I’m Not a girl , just avoidant It’s like , when u text me I have to put on a social facade so things go well , I don’t trust that Ud stick around if I was really being myself and could express how I truly felt (like shit)Sounds like she’s into it just scared , and I think ur doing a good job listening and behaving accordingly Idk does that help any ?
Also fuck texting , terrible form of communication and even worse for someone avoidant , like all this unspoken angst about texting could be avoided with a phone call .Cause when ur texting it’s like u have to say just the right thing and that’s enough to keep me from responding at all . And all that’s going off of sooo little communicative information , like I don’t hear ur tone nor can I see ur body language so I don’t know how u feel and I don’t know what u expect me to say .And in person I like to listen and give the conversation room to breathe but u can’t do that over text , it comes off as disinterest
>>26447239Be honest and forthcoming with her about what you want. It may sound brash, but if you have her interests in mind and yours, you can say what you seek. Could she have inhibitive habits hurting her relationships? Possible, but without proper diagnostics, it is an educated guess. When I met my now fiancée, I told her what my intentions were, she reciprocated that she agreed we would learn more about one another towards a committed relationship. Both parties found the arrangements agreeable, and now we will soon marry after years of getting things ready for life together. Friends come and go, but a relationship like this is work (We still have little spats and abrasive moments, but we heal, forgive, and choose to work together). She may not be ready for more, but if that is what you want, better to say than to miss out. If it is not compatible, no harm done; it means you know more of what you want now. There is bountiful amounts of love in this world, and you are not alone.
>>26447300Yes that helps a lot. I don't plan on ghosting her.But do you not feel a week of space was enough time to warrant a casual response? I just said "hey i haven't heard from you in a little, what kind of trouble you been causing lately?" with a smiley face to show i'm just playing. She's not dumb, and I know she wouldn't take it seriously. But yeah, beyond that I guess I have no choice but to just give her 2 or 3 weeks and just not say anything. I get it she needs time to miss me too, and gather her feelings. I hope she'll reach out but like I said if not I'll shoot her one more message, then If she doesn't respond I'll have to assume it's over, for the time being at least. Hoping not.>>26447327I agree, texting sucks. But she doesn't like phone calls, and she was comfortable with texting. I wish I could see her in person still, but right now that's clearly not going to happen. But I do know how she texts, and she's texting differently as far as her activity level goes, but again the times she did respond she showed lots of interest. If she was giving one word responses or something I'd understand. But for her to go from paragraphs to ignoring makes zero sense. And the sudden change after her leaving work makes no sense. I'm just worried, and also worried about not knowing what she's feeling.>>26447381I don't want to come across as needy. It's too soon still imo, and with her being avoidant, if she doesn't receive it well it'd probably be instant game over. If we were still talking in person, and went out once or twice more I'd make things clear how I feel.I know if I say my feelings at this specific point in time, it probably won't end well. If she does still have feelings for me, she'll withdraw harder and probably completely ghost me. I understand your points, but I know this isn't a good idea right at this moment.
>>26447411>>26447381It is scary to lose someone this way, and it was the risk I took with my beloved. If she is not ready to be in a committed relationship, or undisclosed preferences she wants, waiting too long may give her mixed signals. The best way it was explained to me: Fit your mission. What you desire may not be compatible for the life you want. Grooming someone to be a match is a possible risk, and it can build resentment. You will have the love you seek; it may come at an unexpected time.
>>26447496I know it's a risk, but I realize the odds are very not in my favor at this current time for reasons I've stated, and a few I haven't for privacy. As for what I desire for my life, I would be a lot more comfortable opening up about what I want, and from her, if we kept seeing each other or were in a relationship. But at this stage it's too much.Also I don't want to groom her or anything, the connection was already there and it was strong. I think she was a bit confused and maybe scared, and saw me being a bit needy so pulled away. Idk.>You will have the love you seek; it may come at an unexpected timeI hope so.
>>26447614Does this feel forced at all? I don't want you to burn yourself out.
>>26447897No actually. I'm just anxious and scared of what is happening because the change is so sudden.What feels forced is me making attempts at not giving her space she seems to want, so I should just give her the space. My attempts are not with intention to suffocate her, but instead reassure her I'm here. But I guess that is only pushing her away further so I realize I need to stop.But there's the other side of my head saying I'm going to lose her from my life, or more currently I already might have and I don't want that. Unfortunately I also realize I don't entirely have control over her feelings. But I feel the situation is still potentially salvageable if played correctly. Learning from my mistakes going forward.
My intentions of this thread were to get some insight on how people in this mind think, and >>26447300 's post was very insightful.But I am still curious as to how much space to give, if I should wait to initiate, and if these people usually do come back or not when given space or are too afraid. If I don't hear from her in 3 weeks, is that safe to try texting once more?
>>26447931Just from a third party observation, not that you seem insincere in your feelings or intentions, but I get a poker vibe of, "If I play my cards right," and I have seen men and women get hurt this way. I appreciate you want to help her, and if she wants space, it will be fine. A friendly reminder of, "Let me know if you need to talk or if I can help," and let her choose from there.
>>26447987Just poor wording on my part. no insincere intentions. I just mean if I make a choice that she doesn't like she'll leave. If I make a choice she likes it can be salvaged. I don't want to do anything that's natural, I'm not trying to tiptoe around the pool.Not everyone feels/thinks the same, so it's nice to get a perspective on how people think to try to adapt. Obviously communication with her directly about it is best. Again, your point of suggesting help is good. But in case I am misreading the situation or anything I feel it's too soon. I think giving a few weeks is a good move, tell me if I'm wrong. If I don't hear from her, I'll shoot her a text. If she ignores.. I'll follow it up in a few days from that and let her know I care and I'm here and will give her space or whatever, then just drop it from there because it'd be clear she's entirely withdrawn and is just ghosting.
>>26448068>do anything that's naturalunnatural I mean
>>26448068Follow up maybe no longer than two days. If she stays quiet after over a week (Approximately ten days), continue with your stuff there and not put your life on hold.
>>26447239>>26447300>>26447381>>26447411>>26447496>>26447614>>26447897>>26447931>>26447948>>26447987This is tough titties but she moved on. Listen, everyone is gonna wanna make you chase chase chase chase someone who lets be honest if they wanted to could meet you right now or answer you right now. Stop chasing. When you fish, and you get a bite you get a little fight back and that lets you know to pull in or let loose. this fish is just fighting back too hard and not giving you the chance to reel it in.>But sometimesSometimes theres a full moon, but its obvious its not popping out anytime soon. So just ask simply, " I want to go out with you." thats all you have to say.Wait a day, if its a no or no response delete the number or move on. there will be plently more after her and you may say, >Wow this is cold, its not, its reality.some people ghost because they are too weak or indifferent to say goodbye or say leave me alone. take the hint when its obvious. Stop listening to the echo chamber or retards saying and giving nothing but excuses for behavior. there are shitty people, they hide really well. they all exist and this very well sounds like one that convinces you they are something else. put it away and move forward. You want advice and you have it now, decide whether or not you use it.
>>26448194The thing is she's ignored texts before, but then a few days later she'd answer. She's hot and cold. Maybe she has moved on, but I think she just wants space. If she decides moving on is what she wants then whatever, but just because she ignored a text or two I wouldn't call it ghosting yet.If she was giving one word answers when she did reply, like she was just trying to be polite. Then your point I completely agree.But when she's sending paragraphs of replies, asking questions back, telling me stuff, it doesn't add up. It really does seem like she just wants space to me, as we were basically ontop of each other suffocating each other for an entire month straight. She did say she wished she had more time to herself because work was stressful so she felt she couldn't ever do stuff. So maybe she just needs a break before she starts working again. Your advice is valid though, and I could be misreading the situation. Yes it's shitty behavior, but nobody is perfect. I refuse to believe these things are always as black and white. There's too many unknown variables.Again, I agree with you to an extent, and your advice is valid and I appreciate it. But I refuse to accept it YET. I've ignored texts before, I'm not perfect. Everyone has their issues. Maybe she isn't interested anymore, but I'm not ready to give up yet. It's only been 3 weeks since she left. If she was ghosting me for 3 weeks that's a different story, but her hot and cold behavior seems to indicate emotional distress on her end. I'm introverted myself, and many times even for a month straight I just want to withdraw from everyone and need to recharge or else I get burnt out so I understand to an extent. So idk. We'll see.Like I said, she said she has like 1 friend so I take it this is probably a habit of hers, and people give up and leave. So I'm okay with putting in the effort, taking the hurt just to see.I'm just here interested in hearing from people who do have avoidant personalities.
>>26447239Tell her to get internal family systems therapy. You can heal avoidant personality style.
>>26449571Maybe if we were dating for a while lol that's not someone you just say to someone you've known for a month idc how close you are."Yeah you need help, get some therapy"