I'm 38 and my father recently contacted me after being absent since I was in 2nd grade. He has pancreatic cancer and apparently not much time left. He found my brother through Facebook (I don't have social media) and they have been in correspondence for a few weeks. My brother has agreed to go visit him but I literally can't because I cannot comprehend why you wouldn't want to see your children for 30+ years. Am I in the wrong here or are my feelings to never care to see him again justified?I'm married and have two kids of my own if that matters.
>are my feelings to never care to see him again justifiedcompletely justified, he can't expect you to love him just because he busted inside your mom when he dipped soon afterbut you should still go and see him in my opinion, as basic human sympathy, to not let him die alone, and let him realize his (small) contribution to this world before he leaves it
>>25096075go see him. you wont get another chance. and also the most meaningful opportunities to do good in life are towards people that dont deserve it."What would Jesus do?"
>>25096075If you're Cristian, then you have a moral obligation to forgive and fix what has been broken. In fact, a sign of good works is to tend to those that are dying.But if you aren't, then fuck that bastard.
>>25096086>>25096089Thanks for the advice, that's exactly what my brother is saying, I just, as a parent know how the fuck you dip on your kids for 30 fucking years. Shit pisses me off so much. Like what the fuck is my value? I love my kids and if I have to travel for work I miss them in less than 24 hours. 30 fucking years.
Okay OP you can play this one of two ways. Scenario #1:>show up>say hi>talk to him for a few minutes at most>show him pictures of his grandkids if you feel like it>say, "well, i've gotta go; catch you later.">when he gets upset that you're leaving suddenly and without sufficient reason, just say, "oh, i'm sorry; is this not a good time to leave unexpectedly?"Or if you don't feel like that, try Scenario #2:>show up>talk for a bit>pretend to show deep and serious empathy towards his plight and his condition>then say to him, "what you're going through right now is probably extremely difficult, and possibly you feel as though you've been horribly wronged by life, but for whatever it's worth to you, dad, life has a way for correcting injustices. for example: when i was a boy, i was abandoned abrupty, but then years later, that guy got cancer. so you see? so like a kid with down syndrome in a gym, no matter how hard, or unlikely it may be, it'll work out."
>>25096103My family is Christian, and I understand that forgiveness is greater than vengeance. But I also believe that evil exists and will not be tolerated. I want to do the right thing but even the thought of us talking at this point makes my blood fucking boil.
>>25096114you can go and ask himpersonally I have no clue
>>25096075I think you should still go see him before he dies, you will regret it if you don't. Hopefully it will help give you some closure and he will try and explain why he wasn't there.
>>25096134Thanks. I don't want to go there with the intention of verbally eviscerating him but I'm worried that will happen.
>>25096144try and ask him nicely, try to be empathetic, lashing out on him would just be counter-productiveas poor as his choice was, it had to have some sort of justification
>>25096137I know he was an alcoholic for several years after the divorce, but he remarried and has a wife now, no kids. Lives in Panama City FL. Me and my bro both live in Washington.
>>25096151If you had a child you would know that there is no justification for abandonment.
>>25096168he did abandon you, there was a reason, else he wouldn't haveit's an irresponsible and disgusting thing to do, but if you want to understand, just saying "there couldn't possibly be any reason for that" won't get you anywhere"justification" was a poor choice of word, I just meant explanation
>>25096075Tell him that if he was a fraction of a man he would have been there a few times. No sympathy. Shitheads like that will be given no respect. Tell him he will not be honored and his name will never be spoken. Fucking assholes like that deserve to rot.
>>25096075about the same age and my dad did the same shit>essentially disappears during childhood>fucks around for awhile>starts new family>gets cancer>tries to reconnect and is apologeticI don't go out of my way to care about him. If he calls I'll talk, but that's about it.I understand that he feels genuinely bad, but his window of opportunity for me to care about him in terms of a father-son relationship closed a long time ago.Don't worry about whatever kind of relationship he has with anyone else, that's mostly between them.
>>25096177The marriage went sour and he was having mental issues after hitting a bad string of employment problems. I'm gonna ask my mom tomorrow if she thinks I should talk, she will probably say yes, but she won't show up as she has remarried.
>>25096075Tell him to eat shit.
OP back, I'm thinking of a way to make this constructive if it is to go down and this is my idea. I'm gonna bring my son and daughter, maybe just my son(10yo) and introduce him to my father and explain the situation between us and how it would be very mean of me to leave for 30 years. And to try to get him to understand what kind of devastation that can cause to teach him that even the people that do the worst things to us can be forgiven. I think that would make me happy to try to give him that lesson but he might be too young for it. And my dad might not want to hear that. My daughter is to young to the lesson IMHO tho so it would just be my son
>>25096244that sounds like a terrible idea, you are just vindicative
>>25096168Incorrect. There are edge cases, eg drug addicts and in general people with dangerous habits who (and this is rare) realise that they are shitty and dangerousMore often it's just a shitty person bailing from responsibility. But edge cases exist
He's only seeing you to not have regrets before he dies. He wasn't there for you when it mattered. Why be there for him? I kind of relate; it's obviously less bad but my abusive grandmother recently died. I ignored her messages before she passed and refused to visit her. But I've still taken a large part in planning the funeral and wrapping up loose ends, because I love my mom. I have no regrets for not seeing my grandma. You should do what you feel is best for you right now. There is no use regretting it later, you probably will have what-ifs no matter what you do. You are making the best decision you can for yourself with the emotions and knowledge you have. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, OP. You will be in my prayers
>>25096244Bad idea. I don't think it would be constructive to involve your child unless you are going to play nice happy family. Even then, your son is only 10 and this dying old man is a stranger to him, it will just upset him. You should leave him at home and visit your dad by yourself instead of using your son as a prop/emotional bargaining chip.
>>25096244not good idea.Just bring up you have kids and that you can't fathom leaving them for 30 years.Not even sure i'd agree about meeting him in the first place. What do you think about your brother and his decision to go see him ?
>>25096244You have one shot to go relate with him. If you don't try now, then you'll have to live the rest of you're life knowing that you isolated him and passed up an opportunity to learn more about him and yourself. You could tell him about your resentment, if you feel resentful, but I'd leave your kids out of it. You can tell them about it when they're older, if you want. Now's not the time.
>>25096075Go see him. Its better to go and get an awfu, but sometimes necessary exoerience, rather to dwell on the fact that you did not took the chance to give yourself closure down the road. My grand mother still regrets to this day not contacting her father as life went on.I am not saying that you should love him or feel pity for him at all if you do not feel like it.
>>25096075dude he's dying. go see him
>>25096075Don't listen to the retards who say you'll regret it if you don't see him. I was in a similar situation as you and I ignored my dad, and I haven't felt the tiniest bit of guilt or regret.
>>25096075Do you know if you put you on his will? I mean I would just go for that if that's what's at stake.
>>25096244lol you're going to a new experience where you have no idea what to expect or how you'll react. why the fuck would you want your children to see you out of your element acting like a retard?
Weight the pros and cons. You don’t know him. What if you go see him and he starts blaming you for him being absent and making shitty comments about raping your mom or something? On the other hand he could have a compelling reason like being a prisoner of war for 30 years idk.If its the worst case scenario that you get if you visit him, will you be ok with it?