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Girlfriend keeps thinking and talking about an ex of hers (in a negative way, saying how much she hates him, how bad he is etc). She was with this guy over 4 years ago, while still in high school, and they were together for about 4 months (her longest relationship I think). They didn't break up because of cheating or some major event like that it was more of a series of arguing fighting and just the general toxicity of it
We've deduced that the biggest problem is the closeness of their friend/social circles, some of her friends are friends with the guy and in general they move through the same social circles.

I like helping people by talking and she appreciates it but this is slowly draining me. She's at a point where she doesn't even want to be in the same room as the guy, and hasn't been in a long time, she has tried being okay with him in the past because some of her friends are friends with him but it doesn't go well.
It's like half of her problems stem from that guy and how he "creeps" backs in her life somehow (at least that's how she sees it, probably)

This is making me feel kind of underappreciated, it's like she's still not over a guy from over 4 years ago, she doesn't miss him but she's not over him. I feel as if I'm not good enough, as if I don't fill the void enough for her to just completely stop caring about that guy. She has had other relationships since him.
This coupled with my general anxiety because of inexperience has been pretty draining on me lately.

I like her very much and am aware this is probably a "me" problem
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>>23422412
She sounds like she needs therapy, really. Go on the first meeting yourself, explain the situation, and work out a way to get your gf to the session somehow with the therapist. She will have someone else to tell about these problems, and let's hope, fix them, leaving you at peace, at least a bit more so
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>>23422412
she's still hopelessly in love with him but is trying to loudly deny her feelings to keep anyone from suspecting. hate and love are very nearly the same emotion, the opposite of love is apathy; the opposite of hate is also apathy.
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>>23422412
She isn't over him. Classic red flag seen it dozens of times
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>>23422428
>>23422431
>>23422440
>>23422442
I'm not saying she's talking about him 24/7 it's just that she mentions him a lot, I truly believe she hates it but it feels like they broke up a few weeks ago not 4 years.
I feel kinda unappreciated
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>>23422428
I don't want to make that big of a deal out of it, isn't the problem mostly in me and how insecure I am instead of her?
>>
bump help

also we've been together for 2 months
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bump
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>>23422412
I'm obligated to tell you that imo she is still obsessed with him and will run back to him the second she gets the chance. It happened to me. I would never again date a woman that talks about her ex. Believe me even if it is very negative it is a huge red flag.
>>23422440
This.
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>>23422459
this is where you become a man, you take matters into your own hands, and you TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. Literally no other way around this
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>>23423061
What do I say?
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>>23423625
"you're still in love with your ex and I know this thanks to the sagacity of the elders of 4chan. begone, harlot of babylon, and darken not my door again!"
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>>23422412
Tell her to drop the friends that are friends with him duh
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>>23422412
Shes lying.
Girls talk badly and a lot about the thing they desire/want the most. Its thevfemale brain is complicated but thats how it goes in this crazy life
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>>23422459
Mentioning him is the same
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>>23423897
This. If she cant do that then shes finding excuses to stay around him instead if excuses not to.
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>>23423897
Those are some of her closest friends and she didn't know they were friends with that guy until recently. The guy met them at a completely different place and unrelated to her.
>>23423906
>>23423920
I really don't think she likes him guys... even before I knew her she skipped parties where she knows she'd be or something like that.

The next time we talk about it I'll just casually mention how she still hasn't gotten over him, hopefully she realizes how bad I must feel and comfort me.
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>>23423625
Either what the other guy said, if you want to go scorched earth, or 'her name, I get that you and his name have some history, but I want this to be more about me and you.'

She'll say some nonsense about support and closure

'I get that you're ready for that, which is why I'm with you, but I don't think talking about hisname with me will do that. I think that just takes time'

It's only 2 months, as well, so... its 'me and you' and not 'us', since there's no 'us' yet.

And don't be surprised if shes blowing him by April no matter what you do. Sometimes that's just how it goes. If that happens, fuck her sister or friend and move on.
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>>23423996
>The next time we talk about it I'll just casually mention how she still hasn't gotten over him, hopefully she realizes how bad I must feel and comfort me.

ANON NO. You're the guy. Sorry bud but you don't get comforted here. She's not your mom.

You set boundaries and keep them. Your family, assuming they're stable, are where you get comfort and guidance. You want her to be with you, not with you and her memories. You don't need her to comfort you at all.
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Not OP and sorry for sidetracking the thread, but my bf has a few exes he hates and also often mentions them. I always get silent when he talks about them but he still sometimes does it. Should I cut my losses and leave?
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>>23424066
Give him three chances... first time, set the boundary and tell him you're actually bothered by it. Be reasonable but make sure he knows you'll stick to it.

Second time, remind him. Tell him it really does bother you and it's a dealbreaker.

Third time, tell him you've tried, but it's clear your just not a good match.

Be reasonable about it (like if he brings her up once a year and its relevant, let it slide) but clearly and firmly communicate boundaries
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>>23424051
I'm just saying I won't be the one to mention him but that I'll talk about it the next time she mentions him. As in comfort I meant more as in get her to realize that what she's doing is bad.

>>23424023
As I said, I really don't think she likes him anymore, imagine you had an ex that you really despised, is that not something that's possible? Why would talking (only badly) about someone mean she still likes him?

I think she hasn't gotten over it as in she hasn't gotten over the breakup and bad stuff around it not "she hasn't gotten over him she still likes him"
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>>23424323
In all my life, relationships I've experienced, my friends have experienced, I've read online or even heard of, NEVER have mentioning an ex been a good thing. Don't ask if she's over him that's stupid, obviously she'll say yes. Be smart and set boundaries, talk and express YOUR feelings. People hate being told what they feel. Say "I am not your ex, and I don't want to discuss him." Man the fuck up dude she won't steal your balls fucking hell. She keeps going? Dump that bitch before she leaves you as soon as he texts.
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>>23424323
And it's classic to talk badly about someone you like, I did it about my ex when I had my first relationship. You both sound young, and relationships have nothing to do with logic. It's all feelings and ways trying to feel better.
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>>23424066
You tell him that if he keeps bringing up his exes you'll leave. Nothing more, short and sweet.
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I was in the exact same situation, my partner didn't even notice she was making me uncomfortable and just kept mentioning them and how much they hate them BECAUSE they have similar friends, as to not make me worried of the guy if I ever happen to realize they are still socially close



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