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Is there a way to change what kind of people you are attracted to? Looking back to my exes and men I had one-sided crushes on, apparently my "type" is highly intelligent but mentally ill men with an eating disorder and PTSD from school yard bullying, and a general refusal to get help. If that list seems oddly specific, I can tell you it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out there's a pattern.

And it's not like I've been picking up men exclusively from the psych ward and drunk tanks, and this isn't a matter of Good Girl Chases Tall Hot Prison Dudes, the guys I've fallen in love with are never violent types. I've actually had to try to (unsuccessfully) coax them to having at least SOME way to express anger instead of completely suppressing it until turns into some type of bone cancer, but that's never worked.

When I was 17 I once physically carried the boy I liked to the school cafeteria because he casually mentioned he hadn't eaten anything for three days, and that was the closest thing to flirting I knew at the time - and I guess letting me do that was the closest thing he knew. He still rejected me though.

I've never been approached, but I've never been dumped, either. All my relationships end when I get tired trying to carry and support a person who not only won't do anything help himself, but more often than not actively resists me trying to help him.

I've learned to recognise the pattern of breathing that someone has when they're having a nightmare, and I'm so used to it that once when visiting mom I woke up the dog because I could hear she was having a bad dream. When my sister asked me why I did that and I explained myself, she looked at like like I was insane. I didn't realise how odd it would look, I'm so used to doing that I didn't think anything at all of it before she asked.

Is there any way to change your "type"?
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Fat Bitches turn me so fucking much but I feel disgusted by it so I'm kinda in the same boat. All of my crushes have been skinny pretty women but I'll get sexual fantasies where I imagine them getting chubby/or obese and it gets me so hard. I feel like a disgusting pervert for it and I'll never mention it to my potential girlfriends nor will I ever try to fatten her up. I know how you feel, it's tough.
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>>23421936
A lot about them but the stuff is on you; so look deeper and try to find out why you would go for that type on the first place, beyond the obvious "wanting to save/take care of someone".

Also generally, it's just about using your brain more than ... whatever attracts you to pity-cases. Noticing a pattern is a great first step, now you only need to take the red flags like "refusing to get help" as what they are and don't waste energy on people like that.
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>>23421948
Now this sounds more of a fetish ... good fucking luck to deal with that, mate.
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Ya u want to be a mommy, not a gf. U need to be a wife first and have babies, then u can be a mommy. If u try to skip straight to being a mommy u will only date weak little boys. Find a man
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>>23421975
I don't specifically look FOR men with issues, and they tend to be types that avoid letting people know about their issues at all costs. What draws me is them being smart, kind and well-mannered (while vehemently denying they're any of the aforementioned).

I've tried dating guys I'm not attracted to, but the kind of guys I've met who have all their ducks in a row just never seem to be intriguing to me as people. I'm not trying to make some edgy teen ~*normal people are boring*~ statement, but somehow I just don't have anything to talk about with them.
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>>23421997
I've never wanted children, my temperament isn't fit for being a parent, and no child deserves to live in the kind of emotional environment I'd be able to create.

I once had a cat for four days, but I had to return him to the shelter because I couldn't handle the responsibility.
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>>23422029
find a guy that's edgy and mentally ill in a less personally destructive way. maybe a guy that thinks covid is a hoax or trannies will never pass or jews are the root of of degeneracy in society or some shit like that.
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>>23422051
she's not gonna date you bro
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>>23422038
I know, you're screwing everything up because you're not doing things in the proper order. You aren't looking for a man to take care of you, you're looking for a boy to raise. I know you're not doing this consciously but that is what's happening. You won't be able to do this without a man to guide you.
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>>23422067
I don't know how to make it clearer but I do not want children. I don't want to be responsible of anyone else, I have a criminal record from forgetting to do stuff that I'm legally required to do. Last week the police took my car's licence plates because I'd forgotten to take my car to the annual check-up for 2,5 years and I had no idea the car's brakes don't work properly.

I am literally criminally negligent when it comes to taking care of myself and my own possessions. Being responsible of someone or something that's completely dependent on me is not only the last thing I'd ever want, I literally have NIGHTMARES about it.
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>>23422029
>What draws me is them being smart, kind and well-mannered
I mean, this isn't too rare and can come without a bag of issues, unless you live in some bumfuck village with almost no choice.
>I don't specifically look FOR men with issues
>the kind of guys I've met who have all their ducks in a row just never seem to be intriguing to me as people
Ehhh. Not a single of the basic bitch guys were smart and kind? Or is it indeed something about the cute and troubled guys, beyond that? By now you probably have enough experience to notice them without them voicing their issues right away.
>but somehow I just don't have anything to talk about with them
Does the whole thing come from you growing up in a similar way with some struggles (tm)? Though even then, it seems unlikely that this alone would make connecting with "normal" ones that much harder; unless it's such a huge deal for you ... which you'd need to figure out why.
>>23422051
This is just sad, my dude.
>>23422067
>You aren't looking for a man to take care of you, you're looking for a boy to raise.
Not sure if this is true. OP doesn't seem to be much about mommy instincts and taking responsibility if a cat overwhelmed her.
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>>23422083
>I am literally criminally negligent when it comes to taking care of myself and my own possessions.
Fucking kek.
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>>23422083
Oh well, my advise? Get Your life back in order, then find someone. Stop looking for mentally ill people because it is not good. You can pretty much change Your tastes in partner solely by chaning Yourself.
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>>23422093
I think the smart, kind and compassionate men who also have their shit together are simply not in the dating market, they're already dating some other woman.

I kind of had a rough childhood, long history of mental illness. My entire father's side of the family is straight-up broken people. I don't look for my dad in men - I couldn't stand a man like him - but I guess birds of a feather flock together.

My dating pool isn't small because of living somewhere small, I really just don't have many options because frankly, I'm an ugly woman. Not out of neglect or a lack of grooming or anything, my skull is simply shaped in a way that doesn't translate to an attractive face.
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>>23421936
>tfw no OP gf
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>>23422083
I understand that, but every guy you've been with you've pitied, not admired, and that's not a recipe for a happy relationship as you know. You should look up to your boyfriend, not down
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>>23422133
> they're already dating some other woman
Generally, yes, most probably are and I guess together with your looks, your options are further limited indeed but it's not like it's totally hopeless.. (Also a lot can be improved with the right haircut but you seem smart enough to have considered that and visual tricks like make up)
>but I guess birds of a feather flock together
Yeah, that definitely helps but it's easy to focus too much on that and give up on connecting with people who didn't go through somewhat similar shitty experiences … because it's just harder and takes more effort.

I don't know, man. Outside of taking it easy and focusing more on you, plus using the experiences you got to filter the obvious trouble cases … not much can be done IMO.
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>>23422185
It's not pity, I don't want someone I'd look down on. They've all been incredibly intelligent and charming (despite of insisting otherwise), they're always guys who could go really far in life if they figured out an useful way to employ their wits, and found the place where they're supposed to be.

I don't know if you're a dog person, but it's vaguely like seeing the absolutely perfect sheep dog that someone's trying to use for hunting and cursing that it's a shitty dog for not being in the right place. Or someone buying an irreplaceable and incredibly well-preserved 18th century pistol and painting it with nail polish to make a shitty cosplay prop.

I know that probably sounds really batshit, but I do admire the skills and traits they have. Okay, maybe it is just a stupid subconscious rescue fantasy, but it's not about me wanting to be above someone, it's me hating the sight of something brilliant going to waste.

>>23422186
It's easier for men in that way. A man can be so thoroughly ugly that it somehow loops right back around and unique way of being fucked up is actually charismatic and handsome. But there's only one way for a woman to be attractive.
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>>23422232
Yes, it is a rescue fantasy. You don't admire them, you admire their potential. Just like you admire a child's potential. And it's very common for women to be attracted to this because of your nurturing instincts, but guys like this don't need another mom, their current one screwed them up bad enough already
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>>23421936
>Is there any way to change your "type"?
Yes
Aristotle still came up with the best way (he called it how to get a virtue). You act like you have that virtue long enough until it becomes a habit. Then you can stop doing it on purpose because you do it naturally.

So you decide what type of man you want to be with. Date guys like that and learn to appreciate the good parts of that type of personality and how to deal with the annoying parts. Eventually you will become used to it. In addition, the more you have sex with that type of guy, the more your body will become attracted to that type of guy. Eventually he will be your type.
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>>23422232
Yeah, definitely; but on the other hand, an ugly man still needs to develop other skills to be dateable; while even most ugly women with nothing going for them will generally find someone desperate enough if they want to settle for low quality partner. At least with age the gap between attractive and ugly women will close and personality becomes more important.
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>>23421936
I used to only be into big titty white women, but after dating girls of different races. I'm into big titty asian, big titty latinas, big titty indians and big titty black women. Big titty anyone actually.
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>>23421936
>general refusal to get help
It sounds like another way to put it is intelligent men who have learned to have very firm external control of their emotions and need you. It's not necessarily a bad type, except that you mention the attraction is one-sided and that you always dump them.

Do try to date some other types of guys and see what it is you actually like. Sometimes we think we want something else but after we try it, naa we like the first things better.
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>>23422272
Evolution in action.
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>>23422254
If I had children I'd just end up making them even more fucked up than I am myself.

>>23422256
I once went on one date with a guy who was solid, smart, serious and responsible and had a very good career - he was a senior police officer. I have a (nonviolent) criminal record because I'm impulsive, mentally ill and once got so drunk I lost my purse, and had to retrieve it from the police station and admit that the weed that was in there was, indeed, mine.

I was so uncomfortable the entire time and we couldn't find almost anything to talk about together. While I'm not proud of anything I've done that's gotten me fined or arrested, none of them were heroic deeds, I've got strong opinions about how important it is to have one's own moral compass instead of making all your judgements based on what's legal or illegal. Many of the finest people in history broke the law to achieve what they did, and some of the most evil people I've ever met have never broken a law in their lives.

I came to the conclusion that while I wouldn't want to date someone who deliberately habitually breaks the law for fun, I also can't comfortably be with someone who upholds it.

>>23422257
I've heard a man say that the perfect woman would be the mind of a 40-year-old in the body of a 20-year-old, because at that age you've become the best you'll ever be.
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>>23422291
Aren't Burger cops in top 10 for domestic abuse? You probably dodged a bullet there.
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>>23422407
>burger

I'm not an american. In most parts of Europe, becoming a police officer is a 4-year education in a special police university.

Every single cop who has ever fined or arrested me has done so very calmly and professionally, and while I am white and fluent in finnish, I'm pretty sure it would have been flat-out impossible for me to escalate the situation to the point of getting killed by them.
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>>23421936
there's a book called women who love too much with case studies you might benefit from reading
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>>23422421
Heh, getting arrested for weed just sounded so Murican. Unless you had fuckloads of course.
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>>23422518
in Finland, they don't make distinctions between drugs, all Illegal Substances are pretty much considered equally bad. I only got fined because the amount was so small that it was obvious that it was only for personal use, and since I had only just turned 18 I had a Stern Talking To with an officer who honestly was kind of hot, and he agreed that it's kind of ridiculous that you can get arrested for such a small amount of weed, while you can freely get so fucked up on beer that you'd lose your purse in the first place.

When it comes to drugs, Finland is Slav country. Only alcohol allowed.
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>>23421936
Your blog sucks. Start by changing that before having any other pretentions
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>>23422535
Jezuus, I thought you guys were somewhat progressive. Even here in Germany which is basically a country known for people being anal; under 2g will generally be ignored and depending on your tan, getting away with 4-5 is NP too.

And guess even your capital being basically village-tier when it comes to population compared to most of Yurop further lowers the amount of dating options. Way to play the game on hard-mode.
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>>23422543
Dunno, I found OP's writing pretty lively and enjoyable to read. Would subscribe.
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>>23422575
That's because you don't know any better. But, look: I'll even encourage you and not shit on your parade, go have kids with her, I'll be your children's godfather (if you'll have me)
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>>23422585
That's lovely and all but I'd rather stick to reading.
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>>23422626
D'awww. See this, girls? This is a genuine nice guy and you're missing him, passing right by him. This isn't sarcasm for the less fortunate upstairs ones of you.
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>>23422567
Finland literally has less citizens than London, suburbs excluded.
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>>23422567
Nigger, the moment you'll drop your cringe stats-based look at things is the moment you'll make it
tl;dr you're fucked and you won't be missed. but quit using the term europe, you demented zoomer
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>>23422683
Yeah but not really. Although to be fair, it usually takes a while until people notice that I'm just a self-absorbed fuck even though I'm open about it.
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>>23422121
Not op but how do you change your type?
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>>23422753
That's as nice as anyone will ever get. That self awareness is worth its weight in niceness
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>>23422083
Wow you're like me. I literally just got a new apartment, and my car towed losing my job back to back plus someother stuff. I think you just want someone you can relate to and you happen to be a little nuts. I guess get therapy and then advocacy training to encourage people to go. That's what I'd do if I had any follow through
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>>23422133
>kind and compassionate men who also have their shit together are simply not in the dating market

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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>>23421936
Recognizing you have a type you want or don't want, and symptoms that someone is or isn't that, goes 90% of the way.

The rest comes from mere exposure and being deliberate about what you do regularly. People learn what they like based on what's regularly available - if you dropped fuckable aliens into Kansas, within 3 weeks people would have strong and unwavering opinions about whether 6 or 8 tentacled aliens were sexier.

If you want to change your interests, change where you are and what you do, you like this - within the current context of the way you currently live your life. You can choose to live differently.
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You don't have a "type" problem. You have a flirting problem. You need to practice flirting with dudes, then pick a normal one from that group. If a guy isn't socially competent to flirt back etc. it's a red flag (at least for you).
>I've never been approached, but I've never been dumped, either. All my relationships end when I get tired trying to carry and support a person who not only won't do anything help himself, but more often than not actively resists me trying to help him.
This is your problem. Stop doing that. Flirt, then pick from the guys who approach you. If they don't approach, get hotter.
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>>23421936
I dont think so, Ive tried dating girls of different styles/looks and I still am only attracted to short hair goth tomboys. Why did I have to be into the hardest to attract type?
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>>23422407
I grew up in America and honestly hate police. Feel like it would be different if we had a police force that werent a government funded gang there to harass people. Ive heard police in other countries are better, the one I interacted with in Tokyo was fine



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