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>>
to be first, or not to be first
>>
I wish it were daytime so I can write in the sunlight with a fag and not while my pet is pestering me to go to sleep with him.
>>
I actually like the Doomer/Bloomer meme because I've been through the former and currently going through the latter. I have a gut feeling that this is going to be a good year.
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>>12569336
Expect nothing and you'll be happier.
>>
My habits are ruining my life, and I ostensibly lack the conviction to correct them. I wallow in my self appointed idiocy and curse myself incessantly after. Why am I doing this to myself, so unendingly and so unerringly. My tummy hurts. I'm thirsty. But we know I won't move until the last vital drops leak out or I get strong enough to masturbate one more time tonight.
Gods all, I'm a nightmare.
>>
>>12569364
next pay check im buying a cheap ass linux box to put a firewall to block all the addictive sites and then i'm shredding the paper with the root password, sure i can always boot if off a usb and log in to change, but that much effort will make me stop 90% of the time
>>
I hate OP more than I hate people of color
>>
I for one welcome the emergence of the Chinese Dragon and its increasing power and might. Burgers have been the most inhumane, short sighted, barbaric, and narcissistic dominant power in the history of mankind. No one has treated the earth with such lack of compassion and no one has contributed as much to the worsening of the future of humanity than the burgers. The average amerifag has no interest about the higher things in life. They all cling to freedom without knowing that this narcissistic obsession over one's individual rights or identity is contributing to the degradation of communities and by extension to the degradation of the earth. They are all obsessed over controlling their fellow man and they have zero interest in beauty, knowledge, and culture. American cities are some of the ugliest in the world and americans themselves are obese and indolent. American "culture" celebrates violence, selfishness, and depravity. The pursuit of happiness has lead to a society that eschews self-discipline and compassion. Americans are gangsters at heart, taking advantage of everyone, even their fellow countrymen whether through crime or through exploitation. With this obsession over their own egos they have unknowingly ushered in their downfall and the rise of the Chinese dragon. Yes, the arrival of Chinese dominance cannot come soon enough. The future is looking bright.
>>
>>12569364
>My habits are ruining my life, and I ostensibly lack the conviction to correct them.
Search the warosu archive. You can find answers there.
> I wallow in my self appointed idiocy and curse myself incessantly after. Why am I doing this to myself, so unendingly and so unerringly.
It induces hypofrontality so your ability to make good decisions in the moment are undermined. Recognize what leads up to it. Realize there is a hormonal rebound too when you screw up.
>My tummy hurts. I'm thirsty. But we know I won't move until the last vital drops leak out or I get strong enough to masturbate one more time tonight.
This is frustration of lacking autonomy over self and the realization that you are not free so long as you are slaves to competing whims.
>>12569373
>make me stop 90% of the time
Resolve 100%, otherwise you will weigh it as an option again and again.
>>
>>12569402
>wanting to live in a Black Mirror episode
no thanks
>>
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I used to think that all of my numerous personality faults were due to the circumstances of my life and how I was raised. Now I'm not so sure. A lot of my peers had just as hard if not more difficult childhoods than me and they are mostly functional and emotionally developed. Could it be that my behavior was the result of faulty genes? I know how that sounds, I'm not trying to deflect any responsibility or guilt from myself, I'm just trying to understand why I feel like I'm so different from people who nominally should be very similar to me. Why am I super neurotic and introspective while they aren't? It can't be environmental or we'd be the same
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i want to fucking cry
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>>12569469
*sluuuurps your eyeballs and swallows them whole*
Without eyes, man cannot cry.
>>
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>>12569435
>dualistic thinking
>either/or
>>
I just want to write some gay shit. I keep thinking there might be a point to being a deranged homosexual. It would be better as a cute cartoon though.
>>
Women have such a different mode of being from men that it's very hard to empathize with them. I have a hard time thinking of them as people, and if I do, I think of them as vain, incompetent gay men.
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>>12569382
Doubt I'll get an answer, but why?
>>
>>12569654
Because fuck you, that's why
>>
Why do women find men attractive? They're not.
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>>12569469
breathe. get some sleep. try again tomorrow.
>>
I don’t feel good. The depression returned. It’s different now. Then, it would loosen my muscles and lower me as deep as I could go. Now it is irritation. Knives at my feet. I feel erratic, prone to anger, prone to violence, prone to death. Before, I contemplated suicide all the time. I would imagine my death vividly. It took a leap to commit suicide. I remember looking at the knife, or rope, for long periods of time, before finally deciding on another a day. After a while, I stopped being depressed, and tried to make something of myself. I turned into a man of action. I thought I could weather any storm. This was the answer, I believed, not psychiatry, but healthy living. So now I am a man of action. After a while this was okay. I transformed my sadness into rage, and my rage into hard work and scheming. All of that has changed now. I don’t have enough rage or sadness left. There is just nothing left in me. All the food I put in my mouth turns to ashes. I do not feel nourishment or enjoyment from eating anymore. I starve myself for days just to feel nourishment when I break the fast. I did the first time I starved, but I didn’t get much out of the last few times. I lost my virginity recently and I didn’t enjoy any of it. You could suggest that I’m too focused on “me,” nothing but “me,” “me,” me,” and that’s my problem. Trust me I’ve gone down this route, as well as every other. I haven’t thought about suicide, I simply feel the urge strongly to do so.
I feel a deep obligation to go to a gun store, buy the cheapest gun there, and shoot myself right as I walk out. I don’t think about my pain when I think about this. I think about it like an errand. I think about it like I think about the stuff I need from the grocery store. It has nothing to do with my emotions now, nothing at all.
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>>12569707
wanna erp?
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>>12569321

>Methadone
>>
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>>12569321

Someone told me to try to smile more in class, then I might make friends.

I don't mind people, but sometimes I wish I would only have to deal with one or two of them a day.
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This happened a couple hours ago I still have no idea what went on:
>I'm a reverse commuter, I work in the suburbs but live in the city
>I'm waiting for my train 'home' with like thirty other people that are heading into town for the nightlife
>most of them are college students, as this is the nearest station to the school
>I'm standing near the edge of the platform (Take note of this) to get away from the crowd
>I get tapped on the shoulder
>I assume it's because I dropped something, my pass or whatever, so I turn around gently
>One of the girls from the college is standing there, stereotypical art ho and quite pretty, way out of my league
>She says "Don't do anything silly, more people care about you than you think."
>I say "excuse me"
>She sighs, "I know a broken person when I see one, just be safe" and goes back to her friends.

I'm pretty sure she thought I was going to jump in front of the train, which I have no intention of doing. This raises the question, why do I look like a "broken person" - what fucking vibe am I giving off to normies. Also I could find this girl very easily, theres a 99% chance she goes to the university and I'll probably see her around, should I follow up with her in some way?
>>
>>12569382
>>12569683
You got me there.

For what it's worth, I'm OP and I'm ALSO a person of color. Hope that makes your night a little better.
>>
>Good Days/Dull Days
Life is lived within instants
That you are fully there
Passing through the plains of days
With unremembered care
Moments reminisced most fondly
Were faintly flawed then
New ones are made this day once more
Thought on as high again --

I'll pay more mind to present moments of time
So not to muddle precious days of prime.
>>
Will humanity ever find something as empowering as fire was to early man?
>>
One time a philosophy professor pulled me aside after class and told me "I had the stuff" and that I should consider a career in philosophy. It meant a lot for me to hear that, but it was a bad time for me as well. I was already a senior in a Film/TV program and I was also in the middle of a depressive episode I wouldn't leave for two years.

Since then, I was kept for a week in a psych ward against my will for suicidal ideations, didn't finish the philosophy course, barely graduated with a film degree, looked for work for 6 months, worked as an editor in San Francisco and Michigan for 6 months (the company closed their SF office, but still wanted me around), and gotten laid off after a third downsizing.

I'm now considering a return to education, I think I have the mental wherewithal to "do things right" this time. Although I'm concerned my uneven academic record will keep me from being accepted to higher-tier philosophy programs. I don't know which programs would make sense for me or if I'd be doing things for the right reasons.

I used to write stories and essays with passion, but I find myself unsure of my thoughts now. I feel like moments don't stick together and build on each other. Like it's all so much sand brushing past itself on its way to casually collect at the bottom of an hourglass.
I somehow feel that structured learning will give me growth, stimulation, and perspective. Drill the habit of study and writing back into me.

>>12569707
This genre of 'write what's on your mind' posts, which I'm sure I'm contributing to right now, leaves me stuck. I know from experience that no response will feel satisfactory yet 'no response' will feel even worse (if the relief of avoiding shame isn't stronger that is). Self-help advice or encouragement don't resonate.
Some people like >iktf but the people who respond to it the most is the people who seek validation in giving up. The 'blackpill' style of shared nihilism genuinely scares me. I don't think that's the case here, but I'm afraid that the part of me that might crave might be manifesting in my words.

I hope that it passes for you though. Selfishly, because I don't feel totally hopeless now. I need to know that if things ever get as bad as they have been in the past for me, that it can pass too.
>>
>>12569402
You are right with the burgers but you are really delusional if you think that china is better. They can be even worse.
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>>12569711
you saved my life bro
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>>12569802
no problem, bro
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I want to sleep and I want to piss so I'll probably read Ubik and be disappointed when I wake up too tired to write.
>>
Wrote this today when I told myself to stop trying and just write what I felt in my heart.

I remember the sadness, the violence
The fun formative years
I remember the trees and boats and sand and dark muddy beaches, fresh water and scraping my feet
I remember running through the woods at night unafraid
Brazen in the dark
It did not frighten me
Nothing frightened me
Before the “loss of innocence” the world smelt alive
Now it rarely exposes itself
The darkness seems strong
I feel it; truly I feel it, like a blanket
Who resides in the dark?
I remember everything
Fishing with my dad in old boats, catching fish at dawn
The sky purple, stars disappearing
Light years, I often whimper at that thought
If I go far enough into the void I’d see myself dead already
I was not afraid to go then
But the void frightens me now
Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid to lose you
I remember walking home with you
I felt my heart patter
An old watch creaking anew
Years in the brood
The dread escaped me once again
I felt protected
I felt alive
I smelt the air, the earth, the life surrounding us
I was no longer afraid to disappear
Not because oblivion didn’t face me
I had forgotten it in your presence
I knew I had done something good

I knew that I had truly loved.
>>
I think I overestimate my intelligence and it hurts my ego and goodness about myself. I am learmimg programming and having trouble with some abstract parts of it, but mainly understand it since I took web design in high school. I just feel I shpuld understand this way better and it might also be the weed that messes with me and makes me lower IQ. I hope im not a low IQ that cannot even understand programming and abstract literature. I have trouble finishing books. I might have ADHD.
>>
The idea of the gf is always great until aquired
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>I will never cum in Rimbaud's boypussy
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I just remembered a story I heard from my sister that she heard from her art teacher. It's a great story, which I'm sure I'll butcher on it's third layer of telephone.

>Back when he was a student in New York an old woman in a big, expensive coat walked up to him and his friend
>"I'm interested in you. give me your number"
>For some reason he wrote it down for her.
>After she leaves, he says something like "What was that about?"
>"Don't you know? That's the matchmaker!"
>Her husband is super rich so she spends all her time setting people up. Apparently everyone she's set up has ended up getting married.
>A few months pass before she calls.
>Meet us at X restaurant at 7:30
>The woman she set him up with is a pretty Hungarian woman about his age.
>The Matchmaker insists on being there for the dinner.
>For some reason they are only allowed to talk through the matchmaker. As in, asking her a question to pass on and getting the answer from her.
>After dinner the Matchmaker pulls him aside
>"Sometimes these things don't work out. She told me she's not really interested in you. I'm sorry.
>A few days pass. He must have exchange information with the Hungarian girl because he decides to call her anyways.
>"I heard from the Matchmaker that you weren't interested, but I think we should try again. Just us."
>"I appreciate it, but I really would prefer not to."
>"That's okay! If you change your mind, I'll probably be riding my motorcycle up and down X Avenue. Just flag me down."
>"Motorcycle?"

They are married to this day.

>>12569775
That's funny. Was she right about the broken person part? Are you afraid she might be?

If you see her again, if it feels like she already broke the ice. She might not be interested romantically, but I would definitely want to know what she saw if I was in your position.
>>
There is something mentally wrong with me. I don't know what it is. Sincr I live in America and have no insurance I cannot go to a therapist without spending a lot of money I don't have.
>>
>>12569775
There's always the chance she might be projecting the latest TV/movie/book character she came across onto you. Young people tend to do that. The fact that out of everyone, you were the odd one out standing close to the edge of the platform makes it a whole lot easier for an emotional teen's imagination to run wild. Or she might just be doing art hoe 'performance art' for her own amusement. Or you might actually be projecting the image of a man who's about to commit suicide at any given second. Anyways, if you see her again, approach her with 'Managed to not do anything silly so far' and then see where it goes and express your surprise at her assumptions.
>>
>>12569402

Hey americans are absolute shit who wallow in the shitty system known as capitalism but so do the chinese. They're just as much a communist as stalin was which is to say none. It's like when people call nazis socialists. Definitions and meanings don't matter when you have an incorrect point to prove
>>
>>12569729
I feel the same anon, a little bit of interaction is plenty
>>
>>12569321
I am not working on my manuscript at the pace I should be and I have no idea why. I have 30k down right now, I know where I want to go with it, but, for the life of me sitting down and writing it out is just a fuckin slog. I almost don’t want to finish it. I dont know if I’m genuinely afraid of it getting judged or it’ll just be a forgotten about book on a forgotten about shelf
>>
>>12569789
You're posting this on the internet you double nigger
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>>12569707
cringe
>>
There's war in my pen
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>>12569707
The depression is always different, I find. It's always changing in a way that makes it seem worse than it used to be. When I was a teenager I would lie in bed all day, contemplating pseudo-existential things that would sometimes reduce me to tears. Then I was medicated for about three years, during which time I managed to turn things around quite dramatically, but of course I was still wanting more. I started to fetishize the way I used to be bedridden by "big thoughts" so I stopped taking the meds, only I wasn't met by a powerful depression. All that came back to me was overwhelming anxiety that eventually turned into the kinds of OCD symptoms I hadn't experienced since I was a child. I tried to suppress those symptoms with alcohol initially, and later on I started to take prescription stimulants so I could be functional a couple times a week. Eventually that alienated everyone around me, and my flatmate/closest friend chose not to find another place with me when our old place became infested with bedbugs. I was more depressed than anxious by that point.

Not long after moving into my new apartment on my own, the isolation caused me to lose the ability to empathize with other people properly, which somehow led to me losing the ability to cry. I feel like losing the ability to cry is a distinct level of depression that's infinitely harder to recover from. It's also harder to get any sympathy for that kind of depression because you're not really interested in moping around since you're unable to feel sorry for yourself.

Being depleted of rage feels like falling off, like I can feel my testicles getting lazier by the minute. Towards the end my anger was so confused and misdirected that the only way I could express it was by punching myself in the head. One day, about eight months ago, I got drunk and angry then hit myself in the head, hard-enough that my jaw didn't feel right for a week.So I stopped for a while but I caught myself doing it again the other day. The violence seems like the natural alternative to crying. Sometimes I wonder if this is the mindset of men who beat their wives. Maybe if all those men could cry, they wouldn't feel the need to do it.

Somehow I managed to hold onto a massive ego throughout all that time, but my former psychiatrist (also psychoanalyst) managed to dissuade me of my narcissism, then I dumped her before she had the chance to build me back up again. Like you, I'd really like it if my existence would just end. I'm pretty sure I don't have it in me to go through with a suicide though.
>>
Shitting yourself is the ultimate act of rebellion in an unjust world. The masses have a duty to shit themselves in protest of the stark iniquities visited upon them by fate. Self-shitting is a profound statement of defiance against oppressive strictures and white male hierarchies . Because soceity's first method for controlling one begins in childhood though the oppressive imposition of hygiene on the otherwise free lad. By regulating the state of one's body one is led to initiate --to train oneself-- to be regulated in the broader scheme of society's triggering web of control.

To shit yourself is to throw off those shackles and to revert to a primal stage of liberation characterized by the idyl of infancy, in which total Stirner-esque ego emancipation was the only law. Years and years of oppressive social programming shed and drop away the moment you willfully shit your self.
>>
>>12569887
Cruel world.
>>
I seldomly visit 4chan now and successfully made reading a habit which I enjoy tremendously. I want to believe that I am getting better, and by some definitions I definitely am, yet most nights are the same, filled with suffering and despair. I have a clear picture of one possible path I can follow, something to look forward to. However, despondency and uncertainty are still in control.
>>
>>12569402
oh look it's the same assblassted anti-american poster; enjoy wishing that insectoid chinks will somehow overtake americans as if GDP or falsely-inflated economic growth is the only metric of "power and might"

america will remain the most powerful, influential, and important country in the world till the day you die and then some. cry more from your shithole country
>>
Just got a decent job, $105k (aud). Feeling pretty validated. Been doubting myself a lot lately but I think it's all gonna be ok. Nice to not have to worry about money all the time.
>>
My work (poems, primarily) has been accepted into sixteen different publications in the last half year, yet it’s all superficial, temporary junk.

I had more talent when I was nineteen, but I didn’t know what to do with it.

My work is destined to line coffee tables.
>>
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After 4 years of grueling depression, my life has improved substantially and I'm actually looking forward to the future. This was all possible because I realized certain things:
- having a caring and loving family is important and they have supported me immensely
- watching the news will make you miserable and angry, on top of trying to indoctrinate you
- you don't need a gf or wife to be happy, society has convinced you since that without one you aren't completely/cannot be happy, which is bullshit
- dwelling on the suffering of the past is necessary, up to a point. It's unhealthy to keep thinking about things that happened long ago so obsessively
- there is no shame in being a virgin
Things are looking up guys.
>>
I wish everyone would fucking die. i hate everyone so fucking much. a few days ago i was in fucking line at the pharmacy and a fat sack of shit and an old broad were in front of me and i just wanted to slaughter them both,. i hate everyone so fucking much. the entire world should be fucking exterminated with no fucking mercy
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>>12569483
I fucking love you
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>>12569327
>my pet is pestering me to go to sleep with him.
This gave me a half-chub.
>>
>>12569373
So those are your final days on 4channel?
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>>12569483
You can still cry without eyeballs though.
>>
>>12569795
Imagine writing all this and not getting a single reply.
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>>12570294
is.
>>
>>12570309
based scat artist
>>
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>>12569321
Maturity is a flight from melodrama - I am thinking by waiting for words to arise in mind, but who is the speaker of the words - I understand better as I have before but who is the teacher - honesty is the narrow gate - is it possible to be completely honest without falling into the purest and most mysterious skepticism - is the answer to that mysterious skepticism this, that the greatest idea is that which subsumes the other. that is to say, explains the other ideas - or is that state of skepticism the doorway out of the platonic cave, and the philosopher is the one who communicates the outside world to the imprisoned population - we are all in prison and only a few of us know what to do - can we be honest please, does anyone know what is going on? What's going on? What's going on? - who would be the man who has the greatest understanding, who has knowledge of the essence of understanding, who can be the standard of measurement which reveals the honesty of animals. A sort of object of truth. A philosophers stone. The form of man represented by artificial intelligence? By a living mans understanding? By Kant? - my Lamentations.. why must the standard be outside myself? Thought says that to follow the guidelines of idea is what it is to be conditioned by the outside world. Or created by an idea. But what else can be used to create this animal but ideas? Is idea really "intelligent intent?" Is there some greater tool than idea that can be used to condition this animal towards wisdom or is wisdom the idea that shackles me to the cold cave floor, what if I were to free myself from the bonds of the question and pondering and persuing of the idea of wisdom, then what, what would this animal do?.. Survive. Like it does. So is the question of the correctness of our very survival helpful(wisdom).. is survival really the end? Man is the jewel of the universe whose movement and breath is towards complexity. We are then caretakers of the valuables, a carrot who helps tend the garden. Are we farmed, or is the paranoia of that "greater intelligence" the tone of ones own mind. It's feeling. The feeling of being alive is like a vibration. If the secret to the mystery, the knowledge of the thing-in-itself, is that the most useful representation of the relationship between man and the universe is that of the microcosm and macrocosm (that the all contained within the limitations of understanding have their metaphysical relationship)! And that it is a mistake to differentiate if tone of ones own micro existence with that of the macro. They are the same tone.
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>>12569921
Did this really happen it literally sounds like it's out of a rom-com
>>
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Quit my depression meds cold turkey last night. They weren't helping and kept me from future opportunities. Feel stuck and out of place, the people around me think they have my best interests in mind but they actually don't. There's no future for me here. In six months I'll be past the period of being off of meds before an army recruiter will even talk to me. I hate violence and war, but it's a warm bed, free food, and an opportunity to be financially independent. Might as well put three years in and head to college afterwards. My parents will disown me for leaving the commune and will hold my relationships with my child cousins as a playing chip. I do not blame them, they've had their whole lives controlled by a narcissist pastor, they're just emulating him. He got then out of a white trash lifestyle and put them in an isolationist, tribalist cult. He's going to die soon and no one can believe it, the world didn't end like he predicted. Good riddance, he's the only person I've ever met I would consider actually, irredeemably evil. Life is hard enough without all of the drama people needlessly cause for themselves, I just want to be done with it.
>>
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>>12569872
>>
>>12569321
I'm getting off the computer now.
Hopefully I'll read some.
Motivation is a problem lately even thought I did everything to improve my lifestyle.
Stopped drinking, I started practicing sexual abstinence, exercise, slept more....

No improvement really.
I'm wasting my time maybe
>>
>>12569321
Bought some physical books for cheap.
>>
>>12571712

I also want to stop drinking because I simply don't enjoy it anymore. Was it difficult for you? I'm mainly a social drinker.
>>
>>12569321
I think that I'm gonna give up on nofap.
Pls someone remember why I should not.
The arguments don't come to my mind in these moments.

I'm so vulnerable
>>
>>12571755
You are now where you wish you were weeks ago, don't let all of your hard work go to waste
>>
>>12571748
Giving up drinking around people is tough.
Mybe join a gym and hang out with the people from there, usually they aren't drinkers and will have a good influence on you.

What I did is gradually reduce the amount of alcohol I consume, rewarding myself with tickets for the theatre and better food.
>>
>>12571755
Ten press ups and you're urges go away. Get on the floor now
>>
I dreamed about her last night and there's no one I can tell about it
>>
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND
Women find men hot
I don't find men hot
But if I found men hot I could look at myself in the mirror and go "this isn't hot, I'll change myself to look hot"
and then when I'm hot, I can get a girlfriend who finds me hot as well
>>
>>12572103
Pure math?
>>
>>12571755
If you by are socially anxious, NoFap could help - it did for me. Keep going. It doesn't feel that good anyway.
>>
>>12570309
Powerful.
>>
>>12570837
My sister called me a few hours after she heard it from her art professor. She seemed convinced. I agree that it seems crazy.

At the very least, there is someone who wants their students to believe that's how he met his wife
>>
Went into the public bathroom at work and I believe I may have gotten little smudges of shit on all around the bottom a toilet paper roll and didn’t notice. I went into the bathroom later in the day and whole new roll with shit on it was laying in the floor by the garbage can. I think my female coworker must have gasp in shock and disgust and dropped it on the floor.

I can’t tell if I’m losing it and can’t take care of myself anymore or if it was an honest mistake.
>>
im on my laptop at my cousins house. its a birthday party.

all the kids are playing Nintendo and eating cake.

im jealous of them. I dont know why, but I am.
>>
>>12570641
imaging only getting this reply
>>
Discussion about Jarron Bloshinsky, otherwise known as "Jazz Jennings," the subject of the popular TLC docuseries on his life as a transgendered person perfectly encapsulates the destruction of society as we know it. It's grotesque displays of self-mutilation, fueled by narcissistic parents seeking a bizarre pleasure or other-worldly goal, are almost perfect in terms of raw analogy for their representation of the mutilation of man, nay, the reduction of a man into a commodity in his own right. The pure destruction displayed, the self-mutilation, is similar of the pains one must go through daily in their pathetic, increasingly atomised life just to subsist. The chopping of the cock reminds one of the generation of weak men who feast on onions and honey whilst the women they should be courting frolick the fields of the sensual like the buffalo on the plain. The individual here has been reduced to a mere consumer, not a producer. A worker, not a thinker. An unfree man, not a free one. For too long, these developments have rendered man to be a cog in a machine in which he has no say or control over, increasingly so, exponentially as well. Seeing the boy on the TV screen makes one sick - Not because of the demented will of the parents and the delusions of the child - But because that "family" is just like yours. You rarely see them, you're blocked by monetary necessity to never engage with them, and when times are rough, you may find solace in their hand, but it is never permanent. The individual here, instead of facing the reality, chops of their cock and mutilates themselves daily in an endless grind until the ashes of their corpse are shut in an urn for all eternity. This alienation shant be permanent, but the skies above us remain gray with little hope of clearing. The destruction of a man only continues.
>>
>>12569321
MDMA trip last morning was good but it went by too quick for me to get all the psychotherapy I needed to do. The ideal way to do therapeutic MDMA is to take 2g of shrooms and take the MDMA 3 hours later. The shrooms unearth everything you need to deal with and by the time you take the MDMA you're ready to smash through everything. Shrooms also extend the peak of MDMA by a lot.
>>
>>12572650
Shut up
>>
>>12572650
based
>>
>>12572664
sounds like a good recipe to absolutely fucking fry your brain by 25 but keep going brah
>>
>>12572817
There's nothing wrong with using psychedelics twice a year.
>>
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I liked the thread about escaping hyperreality. It made me feel contempt for hysterical guys like peterson who cling to some false residues of meaning. Coldness be my god.
>>
I arranged a date with a cute young girl that lives like a 2 hour drive from here on the weekend but then I cancelled it and ended up not going anywhere and just staying at home and just chilled as usual, feels kinda indifferent actually, more than sad
>>
I was horny but now I'm not and I'm glad I didn't masturbate because it feels as though I retained some of my vibrant youthful energy by not masturbating.
>>
>>12573164
based celibate
>>
>>12569321
I want the sun to explode and swallow humanity, and I have my reasons for this wish but I'm not well-articulated enough to tell other people why.
>>
>>12569435
lol I don't blame anyone for my personality faults
that means not even myself

get on my level
>>
My pet bird attacks me whenever I approach my microwave.
I suppose he thinks the food in the microwave is like his children and he protects it similarly to a hen protecting her chicks.
There's nothing he cherishes more than food in a microwave. He doesn't even like other birds.
He just attacked me moments ago for checking on some croissants I'm baking (they weren't ready yet) and I see him out the corner of my eye staring longingly at my croissants.
>>
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I just sent a PDF of the Turner Diaries instead of my academic documents in an application because I didn't double check the attachments
>>
: "I firstly must apologize for the delay of this reply, but I had difficulty reading your last message in its entirety, a difficulty largely caused by the shame I felt in reflecting upon the contrast between the magnanimousness displayed since your first message, and my initial yet disgraceful coldness.

"I can honestly say I do not feel the same, but can also say that this lack of affection is not caused by any malice toward you. None of the friendly attachments that I developed at the age in which our friendship transpired have endured. This might be a vicious sort of inconstancy, but a quality I do not believe I should forcefully try to correct, especially not by counterfeiting a fondness and attachment that I have not retained. However, as I can not imagine any selfish desire that might have been your motive in contacting me, or in declaring your feelings in such an openhearted manner, I consider as admirable the benevolence you possess and have evinced by revealing such kindhearted feelings based on the strong friendship that we once had, and I feel regret and a lingering sense of shame that I can not reciprocate them."

Something I wrote and I made a thread just to get criticism, but nobody responded.
>>
>>12574294
I hope this is true. Even if it's not you are a brilliant humorist.
>>
Just finished an outline for a novella. Feel depressed that nobody is there to give me feedback. Don't want to post it on /lit/ and that is just sad.
>>
>>12574396
google for poetry readings and things of that nature around your city, anon

>>12572944
I looked in the archives expecting something about Baudrillard
>>
I wish I stopped having dreams where I had a gf or wife but at the same time I want them to keep happening.
>>
>>12574402
He wasn't discussed there, and neither was Peterson, just a couple of anons ranting about the matrix. But it made me think and cemented my disillusionment
>>
>>12569321
It scares me to see the relationship that I have going so well, and the care I have for this person and that they have for me.
It scares me to see the beautiful things they say or do for me.

I just know that eventually things end or deteriorate and I'm suffering for the moment where I don't have it anymore. Why can't I enjoy things?
>>
>>12569321
Party is over, time for hardwork and shiet, no pain no gain
>>
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I have to move on from being depressed. I still am, you know, but it's like 4 years later and I'm still recoiling from it. I'm back in college, yeah - that's really good - but I'm not growing as a person. All of my projects go nowhere. I do enough work to get by and not a single bit more. I listen to the same music all the time, even though I used to live just for my love of it. I avoid /mu/ on reflex for this reason - it's like visiting a painful part of my past there, disconnected from a thing that felt so real, and I don't know what to do. But I know I can do better than this. I can move forward, even if I'm moving in the dark.

Here's my idea. I start serious work to make my prototype shoot-em-up into an actual game. I start showing up to the Smash locals at my uni to potentially make some acquaintances and improve at something. I stop shying away from new music and accept that things won't be like they used to, but I'll still get something out of it. I hate to make posts like these, because it says: Will I? And the answer is, maybe. I want to listen to new music. I plan on going to the Smash locals this Tuesday. It's not some vague idea - I'm moving forward - but there are still forces out there that keep me in place, so I don't know what I'll run into. I just hope I don't stay like this forever.
>>
Realized that I'm completely indifferent to women when I'm not horny. They can't offer compelling conversation or fulfilling friendship. They are nice to look at and have pretty voices, but beyond sex or aesthetics, they really have nothing to offer. And even that is fading for me. I'm not as attracted to women as I used to be, I'm not really horny at all nowadays, and if I am, I'm much more aroused by fembois or twinks. Natal females just can't compete with the level of sexiness they exude. I guess I'll get married to a woman eventually to have kids, but I don't know if the relationship will ever be more than transactional. The Greeks were definitely on to something with institutionalized homosexuality. Feels weird to write off half of all humans
>>
Today's one of the first days in a few weeks I've felt relaxed, although my hands are a little jittery from the coffee. I'm aware my body wants to work out, so that will probably shake out those (jitters) and give me time to listen to some music or perhaps Alt Hypo. While I'm not entirely happy or satisfied with the fact I may have to stick with my current job, (I had made it a goal to leave by March) I do recognize the benefits from said job - mainly being money and keeping me active, although I'm having a hard time keeping my weight up/maintained. I can only hope my enthusiasm for a more engaging career path continues throughout this year, and into the next as I go back for a degree.

Your finances are good, you checked them all yesterday, so when and if another job presents itself you know what kind of pay cut is manageable while still maintaining some saving goals. You need to shop for groceries and so a list must be made sometime tonight as it is snowing quite badly until tomorrow. You should probably read a chapter from Shadow & Claw tonight rather than more philosophy, can't overwhelm the mind with lessons of the mind. Don't forget to stop by the doctor tomorrow, and also, if it's not too much, head to the book store and just to peruse.

That's all. We're okay. We'll get through this year, these first two months are simply stretched out because we realize this is the last year of infancy, that the second half of 2020 will mark the rest of our life. We can only hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. We are closer with our family, we have a girlfriend, we know what needs to be done. We're aware it's going to be difficult maintaining our composure, chi, cool, at work, but it's worth it. We can do this.
>>
I cannot be my sincere self because I don’t know who I am. I am perplexing socially, I can hold a conversarion but show no interest in others. I can talk normally when spoken to with no autism but I appear detatched and moody. Deep down I am insecure and insincere. I dont know how to not be anxious, how to not read social cues as a script
>>
>>12569775
I'd be pretty mad if something like that happened to me. It's insulting and obviously a product of self-righteousness.
>>
My fog - if you'll permit me the ownership - my fog tends to roll in through the dead, blackened limbs of the winter oaks without any heed for us in the dirt. Supple dirt, clean and supple and taut when held in the hand, with earthen hair laid out for us to inspect. And this dirt, as well as the fog, are in league with our dear, beloved moon. That mournful woman, filled with sorrow from dawn to dusk until her appointed time rolls in from the fog. Here, in our hollow, here in our forest clearing, where whole parades of blossoms line the edges, I hold the taut, supple dirt in the spaces between my fingers, feeling the wasteful specks fall back into their...to waste, of course. Those branches are the very waste of the earth - what purpose have they in winter?
>>
>>12574793
But not so fast: like you could get rid of these impressions on a whim! You were doing so well for yourself too, and now you find the load unbearable. Shameful - that's what it is. I can't imagine you'll be like this for long. I know you've set in motion a few things that can, what, take your mind off of things for a bit?
>>
>>12574812
Alright, enough. I get your point, but I'm still not sure what to do. One has to have principles, you know, principles are of the utmost these days. Who else has them, if not me? Yes I'm well aware of the arrogance in all this, arrogance being a common trait around here. Do you think she gives a damn? Or the other one - does she either? Most likely not. Be that as it may, one must have principles.
>>
>>12569605
Same. Which is why I’ve never been able to enter into a relationship. The concept of arbitrarily picking one of those creatures to live with forever is daunting. And then you have to deal with her parents and everything. Fuck that
>>
my neighborhood is getting gentrified bad, once shit down the street from you starts showing up on mansionglobal.com you know you're fucked, i have like maybe 2 years tops, recommend me a rad city thats still affordable
>>
>>12574925
use rent control nigga
>>
>>12574935
then u have to go to war with your landlord and that shit can get ugly
>>
>>12574935
>>12574947
i should add my current landlord is cool but he's a small landlord, there are big money developers rolling throwing around huge stacks like its monopoly money, i'm worried an evil developer will end up buying my building
>>
>>12574626
>prototype shoot-em-up
Yikes.
>showing up to the Smash locals
Double yikes.
>>
>>12575007
the guy is an anime poster, obviously he's some hideous jorts wearer with no taste
>>
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I'm not having kids, let the Jews and shitskins eat each other over the hell earth they've created
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I went to a university counsellor about my suicidal thoughts and lack of happiness and was told that my thought patterns were not normal for depression and "sounded more like autism".
It has made me feel like shit all week.

What am I meant to do with that information?
Legitimately makes me want to jump off the rooftop I live on even more than I did before I said anything.
>>
Wing-a-ding!
A ding-a-wing!
What would be the difference?

Time again
to blow the hen
and snip her out existence!

Chop the crops
and turn it tops
finding a little beetle.

Bash it down
and mush it brown
into the soupy mix of cheetle!

Wind-a-ding!
A ding-a-wing!
The children come for dinner.

Sipping high
and slurping low
a poisoned meal of thinner!
>>
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I went to McDonald's today. Told myself eating chicken is still vegan.

Pondered a bit about the life of a heyokha. Was tempted to spaz out in front of the people there. Didn't.

There's a cute asian girl with a nice ass who's into me. Maybe I should go out with her. But she's also kinda dumb. But also kinda smart at the same time. Hmmm.
>>
>>12575007
It depresses me that I reveal so much of myself, and I just get this disingenuous statement in response. The last time I posted in one of these threads, I gave a really long and detailed reply to one anon about something I cared about, but no one even responded. I've been coming to these threads less and less lately because it no longer seems better than the average feels thread on 4chan, or the GIOYC threads on /adv/, and this might seal it. Not that I go anywhere else to talk about my life these days - I'll just keep it in my head in general.

Yeah, look down on me for my interests, but the rest of this thread isn't better. I'm out.
>>
>>12569882
go on
>>
>>12575092
And what reason did they give to that?
>>
I'm unironically listening to Insane Clown Posse.
I don't understand why so many people hate this group. They're great.
>>
>>12569435
>Why am I super neurotic and introspective while they aren't?
nothing wrong with this . you just live in a society that actively shits on introspection and nuance.

dont take it too personally kid. find like-minded people to bounce off.
>>
I seem to be repulsed by women who want sex.
>>
>>12575137
I mentioned that when I was 15 and on the suicide watch list, they tested me for all sorts of shit and my autism score was higher than 0 but not enough to be diagnosed with anything.

Then, somewhat later, I mentioned that my suicidal thoughts were sometimes a result of stupid bullshit non issues like if I recommend a song that the listener doesn't like, or I forget to respond to an email.

To which she responds "that doesn't sound like depression, that sounds more like, y'know, autism"

I know the word gets thrown around a lot on here, but to open up about this stuff and hear that back was one of the most hurtful experiences I've had
>>
>>12575130
k.
>>
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>>12569321
I am a fat lonely bastard who just wishes to end this absolute nightmare we call reality, leave this clown world and live in another universe with my waifu but the only thing that's hold me back from just pulling a 10mm bullet in my brain is my family. If it wasn't for them I would already be 10 ft under the ground.
>>
>>12575215
>leave this clown world

lol r u the guy unironically listening to icp
>>
>>12569795
I'm sorry man, I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. I hope things go your way.
>>
>>12575219
No I ain't no pussy ass bitch.
>>
>>12575187
Yeah, about what I expected. Whatever allows you to sustain that sense of superiority, anon.
>>
>>12569435
Unironically you’re on the spectrum. I’ve had neurotypal gfs, friends, etc. I am a good conversationalist. I make friends easily. Despite this, I know deep down I am not normal, not in a ‘great man’ way, but in an overly introspective neurotic way. Its mild autism. Tell me, do you have

>delusions of grandeur on some level
>maladaptive daydreaming or fantasies
>vivid imagination
>feel like youre in your head in social situations, following a script
>use ‘flow’ energy in social situations to appear normal
>>
>>12575182
I doubt she knew what the word meant for you as a chantard but she's still a bitch and ought to know better than say something like this, considering her job.
>>
>>12575182
do u go to a cheap school with affirmative action counselors or real ones?
>>
>>12575241
I don't know, I have legit autistic friends and I'm nothing like them.
>Delusions of grandeur
I used to when I was younger, but not anymore. No ambition
>Maladaptive fantasies
Yeah, I've gotten caught up imagining myself making big changes and becoming a completely different person. Spending weeks researching the best way to join the military, or months on how to give myself a diy gender transition, or plotting a transcontinental bicycle your
>Vivid imagination
I'm not sure how to tell if I have one without a reference point. I don't have any trouble imagining things besides faces
>In my head in social situations
Yeah, I spend much more time trying to analyze social situations than being present in the conversation. I actually spend more effort imagining or trying to predict a hypothetical conversation during a conversation with that person than I do listening to them
>Flow energy
Not sure what this means, I don't think so
>>
>>12575182
this is what happens when the government funds a generation of women to get psychology degrees
>>
>>12575291
>months on how to give myself a diy gender transition
Christ, just stop. Get a life.
>>
>>12575291
Autistic people are widly different anon. It’s a very large, broad spectrum. I’ll just leave you with that. Go see a psychologist.
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>>12575306
If you can't get a girlfriend, BECOME the girlfriend.
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>>12575323
That's not how things WORK, anon!
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>>12575306
I know, it's maladaptive escapism. At least it made me hopeful for the future for a month or two, which is more than I can say for the last decade.
>>
Jews control America
>>
I'm out of bourbon and I'm broke.
>>
>>12575291
>I actually spend more effort imagining or trying to predict a hypothetical conversation
If you have no delusions of grandeur, you shouldn't be afraid of embarrassment.
>>
The desperate need for confession, taking me away from any emotional, aesthetic, or social possibilities, back to the land of essences — weigh my heart against a feather, every moment of every day. Each stranger, a judge, each moment, a trial, it doesn’t end, I’m begging with my sad, blank eyes, I wouldn’t mind if it all ended right now. And I will become old. I don’t even have to try.

ugh all I can write is narcissistic self-pitying woe is me shit, it's honestly pathetic
>>
>>12575241
...fuck
>>
Several posters have mentioned girlfriends and I will echo the sentiment that having one is not some magical cure for everything you don't like about yourself. I had a girlfriend for like a year and I was never more anxious and depressed. The sad part is that this was not the fault of the girl I was dating but my hubris in thinking I could improve myself through the act of being in a relationship like a "normal" person.
>>
>>12575357
>it's honestly pathetic

yup
>>
>>12575351
Just because I'm not ambitious doesn't mean I don't want to defend what little I still have
>>
>>12575241
Well fuck. Guess I'm unironically an assburger. To hell with neurotypicals.
>>12575346
I've never been "broke" in my life despite being deeply in debt... Always at least 2k in the bank. Right now I've got about 250 cash laying around. How do you get so bad you can't spare 10 for some bottom shelf?
>just bought a bottle of umeshuu today and had 6 shots
It's good man. Already put out 2k wordcount and the night is young.
>>
>>12569336
how did you make the transition my brother? I am very deep into the doomer phase right now.
>>
>>12569382
I see you’ve taken the brainletpill
>>
>>12575367
it still sucks however that despite almost being 30 years old I still didn't get to experience what it's truly like to have a long lasting relationship with someone, oh well, I guess to some extent i don't even care anymore that much at this point
>>
>>12575367
>>12575673
Feeling quite the same, being with a girl has its great moments, but most of the time you just feel as usual, or perhaps a bit better.

It's still more interesting than being alone for the most part, but not intrinsically more comfortable.
>>
>>12575083
I drew this picture for the stalker general years ago. always funny to see it come back to me.
>>
>>12569321
i found 50 dollars on the ground this morning,i bought new underwear, protein powder and good food.
>>
>>12574286
Made me laugh, birds are cute.
>>
It's such a strange life to be coddled and understand how the world works elsewhere. I now wish to suffer, let it happen.
>>
>>12575957
nice!
>>
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>>12575996
no regrats
>>
>>12569321
One of my oldest friends keeps telling me of all the people who trashtalk me behind my back. I don't like this, so when I told him he came back with "it's just the truth". I'm confused.
>>
I fell in love with a girl and she died within two months and now I feel like dying too
>>
>>12576232
thats pretty based desu now you dont have to deal with the relationship turning ugly and you'll have an ideal/tragic image of her forever
>>
>>12576232
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoTOd-j28Lw
>>
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There was a kind of weird, offbeat magazine that was linked here on /lit/ a few weeks ago. Has a black and red website. I was reading up on them when it was linked here, they seem pretty cool, but now for the life of me I can't remember what they were called. I wanted to send them a short story, too.
>>
>>12576168
I've literally always been liked by everybody I've ever met. Never had enemies or bullies, but also never had many close friends. Other guys wouldn't try to dominate me, the dominated didn't see me as a peer, just kind of existed in a limbo. I used to actually crave the teenage drama shit and 'talking behind your back' stuff because it felt novel in the rare instances it happened in my life. I could converse with everyone and make them feel good but never went beyond that. Never demanded anything emotionally from people. I was the kid who would fit in normally during class but roam the halls alone during lunch. Nobody understood why I did this. The weirdos never accepted me because I had no obvious defects
>>
>>12575241
This is the first time I've heard something called "flow energy" in social situations. Especially as something not-typical.

I sometimes leave things unsaid because I feel it'll stick out like a wrong note in an orchestra. I may have even used the word flow describe the thing I'm responding to. Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like other people are more readily in that flow and adept at channeling it

I don't know if what I'm imagining is the same thing as what you tried to describe. Is there anything I can read about this?
>>
>>12575083
Same
>>
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>>12575241
This is me in nearly perfect specificity.

I try to channel my autistic energy into worthwhile creative pursuits (I've been getting published a whole lot of late) -- but that offers only a brief respite from my symptoms, it seems.

What have you done, anon, to cope with your situation?
>>
tossing up whether to get myself banned from /lit/. I think I enjoy wasting time here too much
>>
I write and never show anyone. I’ve always wanted to be writer, but I’m afraid I’ll suck. No one even knows that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do since I learned how to read.
>>
>>12576839
Post an excerpt of your work.
>>
I’ve been emotionally abused my a narcissistic sociopath and I still remain in the relationship but don’t know how to end it bc I’ve gotten used to that person being there and now relying on them in being there even though they never reciprocate all the things I do for them. Leaves me feeling emotionally robbed but doing more for them thinking it’ll change them and actually respect me. And if they’re not there the dreaded emptiness of immediate loss and panic ensues because of a traumatic event that fucked my mind mind up since
>>
Her sweet cunt reined, reigned and rained, over me, about me.
>>
>>12575641
late response anon but you should:
-reconnect with your family, they were a great support for me. Unless they are abusive or assholes, then get away from them
-don't watch the news. They lie and make you angry and miserable
-realize you don't need a gf to be happy, society has indoctrinated you into believing you're a loser and are incomplete without one, this is false
-don't dwell too much on past failings and suffering, there's a time and place to think about them but if you obsess over it, it will keep dragging you down
>>
I want to be close to you but you keep pushing me away. But you don’t intend to out of ignorance, and I keep forgiving you -- out of ignorance

I want to share what I have deep in my mind and heart but the way you make me feel is alienating and frustrating. Why is it so important to you for me to validate your opinions? Why do I have to be a copy of your life? Is the way that I live my life challenging your existence?

I do sometimes wonder if I am in too deep in my own delusion, and I do question a lot if I am thinking clearly. But that comes more from you than it does for me

I do try hard to look after myself, and I think am capable of thinking clearly when I need to but when you keep insisting I’m not looking out for myself I’d rather not bring up these types of conversations again

I want to be able to express myself freely without thinking how do I get off this ride when you get started. I need to be heard to be understood, not heard to be judged. I hope that I do receive understanding and closure on this, and when I do receive that in the way that it had to be, I want you to be there for me.

I need you to know that despite whatever happens that I will always place you as a priority and that can't ever be replaced, but I need to do this for myself
>>
>Finally a period where I'm somewhat totally happy and positive because I passed a few exams and made new friends
>Some of my closest friends act without reason like assholes


I know it's partially a joke but it's "to heavy" and there's definitely a part of truth. Maybe they're passing a bad time but they shouldn't attack me
>>
>>12574353
Too wordy. Consider revising.
>>
>>12569775
would honestly consider jumping to ruin her day desu. key word being consider
>>
>>12575130
Suck it up.
Keep a daily journal, get some exercise, eat healthy.
>>
>>12575901
nice

clear sky is the best fuck you
>>
>>12575138
great milenko is the only album worth listening to, that being said it's a pretty good one
>>
>>12577067
>somewhat totally
>>
>>12576313
‘flow’ is hyperfocus. Look up the wikipedia page. normies dont have to use flow in conversation unless they are addressing a large group.
>>
>>12577165
To elaborate, it's the feeling of being in the 'zone'. Whether in vidya, sports, etc
>>
>>>12576814
I'd recommend therapy. People with HFA (high functioning autism) usually have a couple complexes and unhealthy psychological coping habits, along with neurotic shit like anxiety, depression, and mood disorders.
>>
>>12577135
Ups
>>
I saw one of the most beautiful ladies I've ever seen in my life this morning near the entrance of my building
>>
>>12577204
should have approached
>>
>>12577091
Well, it's sent already. My ideal style is the heavy, ponderous type. I challenge anyone but a better writer to write something that retains the meaning, or frankly, something better that subjoins nothing else, even if it may omit.
>>
>>12576857
"Reined" is he more difficult verb to grasp in this context. The wordplay is obvious, but "rein" as a verb either literally refers to checking or guiding a horse, or when used in a figurative or metaphorical sense, is redundant when combined with "reigned."
>>
>>12576857
>>12577469
I also do not believe that "reined over" is ever a sensible choice when "reigned over" may be used instead. Also, no serial comma? Tsk-tsk.
>>
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Found out today that my dream job abroad was a scam. Now officially a NEET.

Reading Kierkegard for the feels
>>
This thread clearly shows some attempts for people to have their writing critiqued, but most of it seems to be people who primarily wish to have their thoughts expressed, even if it is in a remotely elevated form, or just those who want to talk about their life, which should not be /lit/. Not too many "thoughtful, well-written posts."
>>
>>12577524
This is the closest thing that this board has to an off topic section. Can't you let us have some sort of community or social interaction that doesn't revolve around specific books?

inb4 \soc\, some of us want a sfw thread without literal retards and degenerates clogging up the posts
>>
There is a Haitian immigrant at my work who desperately wants to get married. He has been flirting with this 16 year old girl we work with. Should I wait it out or call ICE on him?
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So what's the consensus here on voluntary partaking of social interaction?
I'm wondering if I should go to a restaurant with a friend and some aquaintances.
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>>12577701
>voluntary partaking of social interaction
I'd prefer it over involuntary partaking of social interaction
Maybe that's just me though
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>>12577720
What about voluntary non-partaking?
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>>12577524
It's called board culture, sweaty; look it up.
>>
I secured a contract with an international company, working as a software developer. I have some experience in the field (2 semesters comp sci at a prestigious university) but they'll train me nonetheless and I will earn a non-academic degree in three years.
One one hand, I'm glad to have found something interesting that will earn me money from the very first day, on the other hand I've always been more of a humanities guy and I've always wanted to make a name for myself as a composer or a writer.
My training doesn't start until September, which leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. I've been working part time at a small company (book keeping) for a few months now and I'm thinking about planning my first bigger writing project in the afternoons.
Any tips for structuring a novel?
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>>12577552
Perhaps I am being too harsh, but I just thought I would give that opinion, just in case anybody conflated this discussion with something that was on-topic.
>>12577760
I'm new here. I don't intend to me much longer, not that I will stay here long to become more familiar, but I will probably leave soon because of how dull this place is.
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>>12577754
Now there's something I can get behind!
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>>12577110
It's annoying you feel the need to talk down when I've already stated I'm working on improvements.
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>>12577701
I don't know anon, it's risky. Maybe you're up to it though
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>>12577754
Eww. Do people actually do that: willingly not socialize?
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>>12577839
I avoid social situations the best I can.
I never understood why people socialize.
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>>12577855
Well, you are doing it now to some extent. Most people would rather just do it in person. Can you not understand that aspect of it, or do you think what you are doing here is not a form of socialization?
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>>12577863
I have no problem exchanging with someone one-on-one but groups make anxious (group dynamics are pretty complex). I prefer talking to people via text messages so I guess I do socialize.
As far as 4chan goes, I don't consider this socializing. I mean, any other anon might as well be a sufficiently sophisticated bot and I wouldn't know the difference.
>>
LOVEY DOVEY DOUGHBRAINED BOY. LIL BOY LIL BOY BLUBLUBLUBLUBLU HOTHEAD YUH YUH GULLOTIIIIIIIIINE YUUUH
GAME RULES HAVE BEEN C HA N G E D. THE HYPERIZED-STRATOSPHERE OF LIBIDINAL INDULGENCE FALLS AS IMMENATIZED PROCESS WHICH HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN STRETCHED OUT THROUGH THE CUNT OF ETERNITY. EVERYTHING IS AN IMMEDIATE DOPAMINE HIT ORDERED BY A MANIAC AI ALGORITHM WHO HAS MADE A BITCH OUT OF APPLE CEO #667Q+. THERE IS NOPOINT OF CONTACT THEREFORE NO POINT (PERIOD) &&NO POINT OF COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS EPOCHS. NO OTHER POINT IN TIME HAD HD 3000×4000 COMMISSIONED PNGS OF A PREGNANT PIKACHU EATING SPYRO'S SHIT WHILE A GIANTESS SISSY BOY IN A CHASTITY CAGE SQUIRMS ONTOP OF A SKYSCRAPER-TURNED DILDO.
WE ARE GUTTED AND GIVEN THE LATEST STERILIZED GLUTTON-FREE APPROVED NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES STARING THAT BLACK GIRL YOU'D LIKE TO FUCK OH DON'T FORGET TO STICK AROUND FOR THE ELLEN DEGENRATESS INTERVIEW WITH THE FIRST FUCKING LADY OF THE U S A.
OUR MINDS ARE AN ACTIVATED SEAURHCIN OF 'Y E S' WHENEVER A PAIR OF INFLATED 34FF TITS FLASH ACROSS THE SCREEN THAT WE HOLD ON THE TOILET, ON THE COUCH, IN THE HOLIES OF HOLY FUCK MR FBI MAN HOW DOES MY COCK LOOK?
TINDER HAS RENDERED EVERY MALE PENIS INTO AN ACCESSORY OF A FATTY WHO WAS ONCE A HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADER'S QUEST FOR THE MOST O M G MOMENT OF ME-TIME ORGASMING LATER TURNED INTO THE L O L HASHTAGGED TWEET THAT GOES ALONG THE LINES OF "DAAAMN GURL, *CLAPEMOJI* GET *CLAPEMJOIII* DAT *CLAMPEJIOO* GUUD DICCC" AND IF YOUR SOUL IS REPULSED BY THIS, THEN TOO BAD YOU INCEL PUMPED UP KICKS LISTENING HUMAN GARBAGE BAG. I HAVE LITERALLY WATCHED A HUMAN-EGG HYBRID RANT IN HIS 1993 VOLVO ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO GET PUSSY. IN THE SAME WORLD WHERE ONCE WE GAZED UPON 'LA CALUNNIA'
YOU NEED TO CATCH UP. YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT THE MINIONS MOVIE HAS MOVED MORE PEOPLE TO TEARS THAN BACH EVER HAS OR WILL AGAIN. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT PUMPKIN SPICED LATTES ARE THE NEW ROSARY BEADS. YOU NEED TO GET A VR HEADSET AND MARRY THAT WAIFU OF YOURS BEFORE STEAM DECIDES TO MAKE HER A GAY. YOU'VE GOT TO GET GET GET GET GOT GOT GOT AND GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS TO MAKEWAY FOR YOUR POLYGENDERED OPEN-RELATIONSHIP GF (MALE)'S SILICON STRAPON THAT HE/SHE/WE/DEEZNUTS WEARS OVER XER'S HRT WITHERED DICC--AND SMILE FOR THE CHATURBATE CAMERA.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ICEBERG SPLIT OF TIME THAT I HAVE HAD SUCKED UP MY URETHRA AND CAN'T PISS OUT. I'M ALMOST BLIND WITH DIABETIC JOY TO THINK THAT AT MY FINGER TIPS IS BOTH AN ENDLESS SUPPLY OF MASS EFFECT TALI FUTA INFLATION PORN AND ALSO THE CORPUS HERMETI(C U M). &GUESS WHICH ONE ME AND LITTLE TIMMY WHO IS BAWLING HIS EYES OUT BECAUSE HE JUST GOT SNIPED AT TITLED TOWERS (NEVER EVEN PLAYED THE GAME BUT I STILL K N O W THE GODDAMN NAME HOLYFUK) WILL CHOOSE? YOU JUST DON'T SEE THE WHOLE BIGBANG LAUGHTRACK BOGPILLED PICTURE, BUDDY.
HOW IS LITERATURE ANYTHING BUT OBSOLETE ?
?
?
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>>12577926
Well, you are still socializing, even if it's one person, and certainly you are doing so as it is traditionally known if you are doing it in person.
You should know nobody here is a bot, especially since AI technology isn't able to hold convincing conversations like people here do.
>>
i think i died and my lfie became a parody of itself, i wouldn't believe a dictatorship would force me out of my country and make me go to antoher 3rd world country and be an illegal inmigrant, i have trully reached the stage of my life of not knowing what to do, stoicism and nihilism don't really help, positive thinking doesn't either. i miss my mom.
>>
When I was first exposed to the creeping horrors of the modern world, I felt helpless, victimized, and sad. It was good enough for me to wallow around drinking and smoking and letting the world happen, and letting my life pass by without consequence. But the more I learned and the more I saw everyone around me embrace the world in the manner I had when I felt helpless, I realized that everyone feels helpless and they're all deciding to give in without any manner of pushing back.

...then I decided that I would have to leave society. But first, I must write about it. My current difficulty is synthesizing all of the things being forced on society into a plausible, horrifying, and maddening plot.
>>
Starting to get headaches and brain zaps from antidepressant withdrawal. Quit cold turkey this Friday. Something that makes you feel this shitty can't be good for you. At least I might be able to feel emotion again, eventually. Maybe my dick will even work too. Not going to ever trust a psychiatrist again, add them to my list of people to ignore (which includes all jews, preachers, southerners, sales associates, and lutherans)
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>>12577951
>You should know nobody here is a bot, especially since AI technology isn't able to hold convincing conversations like people here do.
I know, that was a hypothetical.
>Well, you are still socializing, even if it's one person, and certainly you are doing so as it is traditionally known if you are doing it in person.
I don't do that either though, I don't have any friends. I just said that I would take no issue with that.
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>>12578028
>I know, that was a hypothetical.
I know, but it is not convincing. You could more plausibly say that you aren't into gay sex despite sleeping with dozens of ostensible men, as they might have been all very convincing trannies.
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>>12577825
SUCK IT UP YOU F*CKING PUSSY GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS AND CRUSH IT GORILLA STYLE BABE NO PAIN NO GAIN STOP MOPING AROUND YOU LITTLE BETA FAGGOT GO DO SHIT AND FUCK STUFF IN THE ASS
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>>12578044
>trannies aren't real women
wew lad
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>>12578073
No, in this case, the homosexual would delude himself into thinking that the men he's slept with were actually women, or at least biologically female. My implication is that he's clearly into gay sex, as it's unlikely the men he slept with were biologically anything but, and even if he were into biological females that seem to be men, he's clearly gay anyway.

But besides that, yeah, trannies aren't real women.
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>>12578091
who the fuck cares
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>>12575641
not him but this, good luck to you on your journey man
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>>12569775
I consider myself fairly level headed and kind to strangers but I would have told her to get the fuck out of my face
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It feels like at least once or twice a day I'll see a really beautiful girl, walking past me or maybe on the bus. Then you need to play the game, where they're so beautiful but you can't look too long because starring at them is creepy- especially when you're an ugly man like me- but you can scarcely look away. It's like asking a man not to stare at an amazing vista or painting. You catch as many glances as possible without coming across as creepy. If it's happening on the bus, it always ends the same way. She's getting off before you, and you allow yourself to look at her until she's out of sight because fuck it, you will never see each other again. You haven't managed to stamp out that pathetic hope that she'll look at you. She never does.
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>>12578133
Christ
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Sometimes I want to accept mediocrity in my academics and attempt to go beyond the boundaries of my capabilities in other areas of my life. This is particularly convincing when I think of future prospects, and my lack of interest or willingness to do the necessary research to suceed.
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I'm ready to die. Things aren't ever going to get better. depression won
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>>12579000
Godspeed
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Bag of microwave popcorn set on fire in the microwave.
Cleaned that out, got a new bag, emptied it into a pan and set fire to that batch as well. I have no popcorn left.
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I’m already dead inside. God take me home.
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I'm starting to become sympathetic to fascism
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MY FEET ARE SO FUCKING COLD
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>>12579408
Why is that anon? I am (kind of) too
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>>12579639
I lost faith in democracy, and i also lost faith in the revolutionary potential of the proles. Before that, i always had some doubt in my mind that the communist society would be extremely soulless and meaningless, as is all discourse that most communists have today. There's almost no energy anymore, it's all so clinical.
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>>12575673
>>12575745
After the first 2-3 months it's pure hell, waste of time and burden. I'd rather kill myself than be in any more advanced relationship than friends with benefits.
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Nobody seems to understand my positive nihilism life philosophy, along with my agnosticism
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I fucking hate Damon Albarn so much he has 3 fucking bands and he's successful in all of them why does he have to be better than me? I DESERVE to be as famous as him, no, EVEN MORE famous than him but HE gets all the creds. I swear if there's any person on this planet who deserves his status, it should be ME! WHY HIM! WHY! I retch every time I listen to your music, Damon. It should've been ME.
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>>12579988
I do. I'm a gnosticist but I'm a positive nihilist too. The fact that there is no intrinsic meaning to life doesn't mean we have to mope and be sad about it all the time. After all, how much impact does this have in our lives?
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>>12580010
We dont have an intrinsic meaning, we create it
We dont have a fate, we make it
Life's is a white canvas, it's up to you to colour it
Your life has as much meaning as you give it
Why there must be a 'god' to validate your existance?
Why there must be an afterlife, a reward for good actions and punish for bad actions you do in life, to guide the way you act
There is no point on proving or refuting the existance of God, mythology and religion is a product of mankind's imagination and ideas. However there are certain things, esoteric things, spiritualism that has no logic explanation. There are things beyond our lifes and understanding, we dont know them and we make guesses of what it is.

etc.
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There are only five people on this earth who are consistently aware of my existence and I only ever talk to one of them at least once a week due to circumstance. I experience life vicariously through media consumption and online stalking. At this point I feel like it would be far more rewarding and interesting to become a complete and utter nobody than it would be to try and become someone.
I'm writing a story but the likelihood of anyone actually reading it is very low and honestly I stopped caring about that long ago.
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>>12580076
For what it’s worth, I enjoyed reading your post.
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life's pretty good right now but not very different from when it isn't
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If I died tomorrow more people would remember me for dying than anything I've done in my life
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The girl in my uni class. When I found out she wasn’t single, I was devastated, but not for long. I was happy that she seems happy, and I was ready to move on, although I couldn’t force myself to care about anyone else. She sat 3 seats away for the first few weeks, by the wall. On Friday she was 2 seats away, and today she sat right next to me. She was mimicking my body language, glancing over some, and laughing at my jokes. I know we’d probably make a good couple, but if it can’t be then I just want to move on. It looks like her relationship is pretty new, and there’s no evidence that she’s been with anyone else, besides a dorky prom date years ago. This guy she’s with is a little older and has a young son, apparently. She’s an angel for accepting that baggage, but I’m kind of wondering if she’s getting cold feet. I wouldn’t blame her. She doesn’t know that I know, so maybe I’ll just pretend I don’t.
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>>12580113
Pretend you dont know about her life, carry on normally and get her friendship
If she tells you she's in a relationship but doesnt really want it, you maybe can trust her and get on it
If she makes advances and tries to get intimate with you not telling she is in another relationship, with a man that has a son nonetheless, then I'd advice against going with her, she sounds like a succubus.

Or if you dont really give a shit about morals, fuck her and then dump her.
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>>12580113
i know that feel, nigga.

stay strong.
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>>12579721
Yeah I get what you are saying. There isn't really any *democracy* to be disappointed in, once the population gets too large, you might as well not have any say. (Modernist) fascism isn't as interesting to me as much as something like organic integeralism is, neofeudalism actually makes a bit of sense if you accept that large scale democracy is a sham. If you don't have the kind of say that matters, you should at least want the person telling you what to do / responsible for you politically, to be as competent as possible. The 21st century will be the century of competing fascism's: Chinese fascism, European fascism, Islamic fascism, Latin fascism, corporate fascism, we'll see which one wins in this post liberal era
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I don't know where I want to go, you ask me where I'm from
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I would have this recurring dream when I was a child where I would wake up, tucked under the covers of my bed, in a large room with a dome roof which was held up by ancient pillars. The dome was always decorated with the constellations, of the suns and stars and moons and the impressions of angels. This picture would spin and turn, as though mechanically, or according to some sort of plan. Sometimes it would move so fast that I would feel dizzy. Sometimes it would hardly move at all and I would grow bored of it and go back to sleep. Other times I would get out of my bed and walk around this unending room, in my small children’s pajamas upon the colorful marble floor. I was always afraid to leave, but also happy and excited to explore this chamber which I knew held wonderful things. Sometimes, if I encountered sand which had sept through the marble’s tiles, I would see encrusted goblets made of silver, or strange glass orbs that seemed to illuminate from something within them. Sometimes I would encounter clear streams of spring water that I bathed in and drink from. There would be large trees surrounded by fields of exotic flowers and tall grass.
Sometimes I would walk and walk until I was tired, and I would collapse onto the marble ground, or onto the grass, or into the stream. I would wish to be back in my own bed, in my home, with my things, looking through the window glass that saw over my town and towards the ocean horizon. I would turn around and begin racing back to my bed so that I may sleep and awake at home, but, running as I did, I couldn’t reach my bed which had landed me here.This would make me sad, and I would cry out for help, for solace and rescue. And I would wake up, in my real bed, screaming.
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>>12580236
As time went on I began to hate this dream, refusing even to sleep so to stay in my real home and not the chamber. But, being a child, I wasn’t so strong and couldn’t resist the urge of sleep. My parents would find me asleep at the window, having stared out at the waters for their night’s illuminations, and for the midnight ships I once wished to be sailing. Now when I awoke in the marble chamber I was filled with fear, and would bury myself deeper and deeper beneath my dreamt covers. But never could I force myself back to sleep, or, rather, awake. No matter how tightly I would shut my eyes, I could always see the bright constellations above, as though I hadn’t closed them at all, and as though they were right in front of me. The movements of the celestial display changed radically: now smooth, now convulsive, now gradual and tense, like hunting leopards arching and curling themselves before finally poncing. But, unlike jungle cats, the scene never unleashed itself upon me; it would only continue unabated. I was left staring immobilized at the whirling architecture of the comets, spheres, and orbital paths lined with golden string. These nights would fill me up with an emotion somewhere between anguish and ecstasy. A rapturous sensation that made me feel as though I were about to melt away into pure electricity. It was a violence. It was rapture and woe.
>>
dreamposts are my favorite type of posts
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>>12580236
>>12580248
Beautiful
Write it down and make it a story
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>>12580265
I didn't actually have this dream, by the way.
>>12580271
Thanks man.
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My problem with the authorities is never and never of a fundamental nature. The inner willingness to accept, to accept and gladly stand behind a head of state and a government for me is there, but in the end my good will fails because of the fact that I cannot overcome myself to accept even just a single acceptable figure as my lord and commander out of the heap of people the ballot offers to me.
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>>12580113
It doesn't matter that she's with someone, women frequently hop to different relationships when it suits them. If you want her, take her.
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>>12580144
>>12580160
>>12580380
Thanks anons, I feel a little less confused. We’ll see what the future holds.
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I keep having dreams in which I'm being told that I have severe brain tumors, and then the doctor shows me a 3D-printed replica of my brain and dissects it to show me weird pulsing red things in it.
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>>12580525
Are you afraid of cancer?
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>>12580531
Somewhat. My grandfather died of colon cancer at a young age, and my dad and I are both at risk. I don't think I have any family history of brain cancer, though.
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Now I know that behaviourists are wrong. Man is a labyrinth.
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>>12580540
should probably get a colonoscopy then.

I share your fears though. I've been scared shitless of cancer over the past month or so for similar reasons. I actually just got a colonoscopy last Thursday because my stomach's been acting strange for a good two months.
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>>12575182
What the actual fuck.

Psychology student here.

This women doesn't have a Ph.D. 100% guaranteed.

She should not be doing what she does and definitely could get fired right away if what she told you come to the ears of her association.

If a psychologist gives a diagnostic to a person, it will be after a long period of consultation with the patient and because the psychologist thinks it might help with the treatment.

What is even more frustrating is that autism is a very complex mental illness and only with the proper tests and assessments specialists will come to this diagnostic.

That said, going to your university counselor what a nice step anon. Unfortunately, the person you met is plain stupid. The next good move would be to find a real psychologist, maybe there is one a your uni. If not, depending on where you live, you may be able to get access to one from the public service at lower cost. Maybe your uni offer health insurance plan, that could be an option too. Or from your parents' insurance (idk your age). Last option is private psychologist. You can also try to find a hotline and try to get information. If you ever feel like committing suicide, please talk about this with your family, or call a hotline as soon as possible.

Last note, having autism should never be seen pejoratively. Many great minds had autism.

Good luck anon.
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Left my shithole country in search for a better life, problem is i cannot get a decent visa without a full time job and i cannot get a full time job without a decent visa, i try to keep depression away by lying to myself that i'm not depressed, somehow it works, no one suspects anything and i manage to be quite functional on a daily basis. Drawing has always been a hobby to me and i'm thinking into trying to make a living by selling degenerate commissions but i keep telling myself that it wouldn't work out in the end or thinking some other excuses.
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I just realized I haven't masturbated in some days but I've had the flu and I feel too exhausted to do it anyway. Still it feels cool to have a break when I had come to a routine of approximately one wank a day.
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>tfw my favorite pornstar is a rapist
Ruined it for me.
>>
Im making her a scarf, i hope she likes it.
>>
after a decade of stress and drugs, I've returned to reading
I started reading blood meridian. It's pretty great, I like the part with the dead babies in the tree, and how they say the n word a lot, and how cormac mccarthy uses the word 'shillelagh'

but this book about cowboys and their cowboy adventures is not capturing my interest. i used to read harry potter, and the book with the dumb nerds who are demigods. a lot of my reading was mostly novels about adventures in the arctic or westerns, ive read all the game of thrones shit, babyfucker, but as a kid id mostly read like those books about different types of european armour or gemstones or ripleys believe or not n that other bullshit. what the fuck do i read. its all boring. i like imagining things but i can only sit there and pretend to be an old man rambling about niggers so many times. i think i just read because i like to take in information. help
>>
I spent a lot of my life feeling quietly superior to other people because I believed that I thought about things more deeply, had a better way of understanding the world, and generally lived in a way that was somehow different than other people. I'm about to graduate with an engineering major and a classics minor from a high (if not top) tier university, I have four years of undergrad research experience, my family is upper middle class and I have a decent group of friends.

But in the last year, I've started realizing that a lot of what I'm doing doesn't make me happy. I think it's that as I get older, there are fewer avenues of life I could conceivably go down, so now I'm looking back and realizing that working hard in school and trying to be a good person hasn't gotten me everything I ever dreamed of. I don't really know what I'm gonna do next other than graduate in a few months, and I'm honestly terrified about where my life is going
>>
>>12581039

I think you should maybe look at psychology stuff about covert narcissism. Pathological narcissism is based out of insecurity like this, maybe some other shit. Covert narcissism maybe specifically. Ignore the hate shit online, psychologists despised patients with other personality disorders years ago equally. Not to say you have a personality disorder, maybe just narcissistic traits in your personality from your upbringing.
>>
>>12581039
Thats heavy mate. Im at the age where collage is only a few steps away. honestly i never worked hard in school so i dont know why im even considering college. I hope the future holds the best for you.
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>>12580727
Thank you anon.
As you and a couple of other posters suspected, she came from a nursing background and my university is stretched for funding regarding mental health resources - I had a 3 month wait even for that car crash meeting.

Looking back on it, I think she had made her mind up from early on that I was a sperg as she asked me questions like "would you describe yourself as eccentric?" which weren't really relevant to the problem I had come to her with.

Following that meeting I've been trying to think about it logically. I probably do have autism qualities, in fact I regularly joke about it to my friends. My opinions can be extreme, and I do have a considerable amount of knowledge about indie music.
I hate the idea that I can't just be 'a guy who's depressed', that I have to be 'an autistic guy who can't handle his thoughts'. It's so invalidating.

Emotionally however, I've been fucked up since it happened. It's my one big insecurity, and when I think about it I get close to crying.
I try pretty hard not to be autistic.
A girl I was dating once said to me during an argument "That's the problem with you anon, you don't love me, you just see me as an equation to be solved, or some factor in the algorithm of how you run your life."
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There's a power in silence. You'd be astonished just how well you can get someone to like you if you're willing to be a tampon of their emotional energy. Let them talk at you for hours about nothing other than their favorite subject: themselves, while contributing nothing in return but a sympathetic ear. Feigned or sincere it matters not, and they'll adore you for it. They'll adore you because they adore themselves. You are the river and they are Narcissus.
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>>12569321
To love makes me sad because in the light of such beauty the self I know only becomes more squalid.
>>
Anon's law:
As a \lit\ discussion grows longer, the chance of the thread getting bogged down in discussion of gender identity approaches 1
>>
How do you stop feeling so out of body? I had the best experience in my life few days ago and it was so beautiful like a scene in a movie but in that moment that immaculate feeling was enveloped by the persistent feeling of being out of body. I need to focus on the present but it is difficult sometimes
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>>12575241
Crap, my brother's on the spectrum, but sometimes I feel like he's more socially functional than me, thanks anon, I think I have to see a psychologist now.
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>>12569321
I meet a girl that looks like Emma Stone at a job conference last week and we've been texting back and forth ever since. According to my friends this might actually be the first girl I get with since she appears to have her own brand of autism. She lives in another city, but I'll probably invite her up for spring break since my current friends in the area are going to be moving away soon.

It's an odd sensation. She is undeniably really hot, to the point were she feels out of my league, even though most of my bros rate me as a 8/10 when I'm not sperging. This subconscious feeling that nothing will come of this strangely gives me the confidence to not give a shit which in turn puts me in her league. But I feel like I'm flirting/getting to know her for practice/ego boost more than anything. From what I gathered so far, I'm not entirely sure if she's my type or not, I just want to feel comfortable flirting with a really objectively hot girl so I can get a, I don't know what kind of girl.
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>>12581303
Sounds like you're equally shallow and therefore perfect for each other
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>>12578545
That's not really fair to the girl. Even odds she is mentally ill and projecting her own suicidal thoughts onto the anon.
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>>12578575
What kind of girl is both nerdy enough to dress up for a ren fair and also that fucking hot, jesus christ, it makes no sense.
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>>12569882
Couldn't agree more. I think porn or something has destroyed my ability to stay interested in a woman
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>>12581520
She's an actress
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>>12581579
a famous one or just like local theater?
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>>12581586
>>12581579
nevermind I googled it.
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>>12581590
>>12581586
Happy fapping brother. I think she's far and away the hottest girl I've ever seen
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>>12581203
Love
>>
La vida misma nos ordena a cumplir sus mandatos
El señor mismo nos enseña a vivir felices
Y los feligreses nos matan de poco a poco.
>>
I'm drunk and read a thread about aliens on /tv/ and don't want to leave my room. I haven't felt this scared in a long time. Actually feels refreshing and kind of embarrassing. Playing the soundtrack to Warhammer 40,000 is helping a lot
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>>12581713
binny
>>
i dont know where i’m headed in life. i’m just going with the flow to be quite frank.
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>>12569321
All of my problems could be gone if i got rid of my anxiety and depression. How do I do this? I want to get a prescription for anti-depressants, but (a) I don't know how to and (b) I don't want to worry my parents (I live with them). I've heard of St. John's Wort. Can anyone attest to its usefulness?
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>>12581606
You're right. I love this girl I will
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Nothing great spawns from a void. How am I supposed to write good poetry when I'm so depressed/apathetic about everything?
>>
I've been writing a YA fantasy book for several years. I'm weeks or even days away from completing the first draft of the whole thing. It's so bad, but I want it to be amazing. A mix of urban fantasy and adventure with magic powers and final battles while exploring different characters and their biases and fucked up relationships with their parents. I'm working on it 4 hours a day, but I've done pretty much nothing else with my life. Never tried to get a gf, but Im not sure I care too.

I read decently, but its rare I read a proper classic.Mostly YA to accomodate myself with the genre. Am I just going to make something as mediocre as the rest of the industry? Is it impossible to write something amazing and stand out and make people happy for a genre with such shit content?
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>>12576300
Check your browser history
>>
>>12582891
Do what makes you happy, not what makes you popular. Also, one thing I learned as a musician, finishing a project is just as, if not more important than starting one.
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>>12582882
Everything spawns from the void
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>>12582932
I guess what I'm trying to say is due to my general apathy, I never have any strong baseline feelings. It seems like the only things I ever feel are anxiety and rage, and I'm too preoccupied with those feelings to actually make something of it. Whenever I try to create things when I feel how I usually do, it always comes across as forced.
>>
penis penis
>>
and there it is, is too dumb and fucking shit to figure it out so lets bring out the buzzwords HURR LE AUTISM!! to try painting the able in a negative light and feel better about yourself, just come to terms with you're stupidty and low i.q and admit you don't have the fortitude nor sense to best a single canonical text and they aren't even fucking hard ffs for the most part, dumb shit. I mean fuck you didn't even have the intuition to look up literary criticism on youtube, you're a literal waterskull.
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quikwrite - 15 min. time limit (10 to write and 5 to edit)

The sand that's on the beach, it never holds me right. I've made many steps on the beach, but you would never know it. You would never know which step is mine. You would never know when I began or where I ended. That's because I'm not the only person on the beach. Women get there tans, couples walk hand in hand, and kids play where the water meets the sand. When I walk on the beach, I sometimes take my time. Sometimes I stop and watch the sun. Sometimes I watch the people on the beach. But you would never know which step is mine. However, if you were to ask me, which one is mine, I would tell you it's the one under yours.
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Bongs please just give up on brexit this shit is embarassing, just do what the frenchies are doing
>>
https://pastebin.com/4qav6yy2
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>>12583381
cringe
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>>12582134
I'm headed for the French ruling class in Canada to be quite Norman. I am just waiting for the transfer payments from Alberta to fund my patriotism. Not really going along, but not really much of a swimmer either.
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>>12570491
Congrats, man.
I worry about the worth of my future arts degree in the Aus employment landscape and fear the monotony and alienation that will accompany a 9-5 job.
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>>12574420
I know this feel.
>>
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Reddit and a cam site showed me pictures and videos of my friends and family members naked and engaged in sex. I saw a friend on the street I hadn't seen in years, and then I'm seeing them online naked for the first time. This is been ongoing. As though it were an organized effort to atomise me further or to test my sexual response to see whether I could be swayed for whatever reason. The persistence of it suggests to me that I am doing something right and therefore I must continue aggravating whatever group wants me to be disestablished. the entire process of using stolen videos and pictures of your friends and family to change how people in the community see them as well as how I see them, is without a doubt a symptom of childhood trauma in a professional such as a doctor or lawyer or politician. I suspect that whoever is doing this is also doing this on a mass scale. It requires so much technical knowhow that I have reason to believe that only a large tech firm could achieve it. Considering what I know about tech companies, I have no doubt in my mind that what I was writing about before this all happened has caused to this occur. I have no recourse, because the pictures and videos come and go, just as I am sure there are some of me being used to change the opinions of others around me in order to isolate me. As a citizen of a small country, I have no recourse for calling out the abuses of privacy of international companies who do not abide by the sovereignty of my country.
---
Guess why I am such an angry nationalist that hates his post-national state? ("Why don't you like British, American, Chinese, Russian Imperialism, leaf?")
>>
For what could've been, and is nought of sin
I fall silently ever so, bound alow, falling into the abyss of frozen waters.

My soul, my mind and gold all sold.
By my own choice, choice of suffering.

The depths, I found, found in you was found in me
But the depths, so far, were far for we.

I am lost. I am alone, I am free so...

I'll be...

No, I won't be, I shall enact a scourge upon the seven leagues of a thousand suns for their commencements that brought me pain.

I will, bring, forth, a coming.
A day and night.
It will be purgatory
For all the things that have been brought upon me, will be paid in full by you

But that would be a pleasure given by me, not in such a way you gifted charity to me.

I will be the whirlwind high above a frozen mountaintop, where none can see nor hear.
I will be an outstretched horizon at night, from south to north.
I am an all, a sight but not a simple thing for that I assure.

Assure you a reckoning will come amongst the frozen winter snows that blind your view.

And it will set you free
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>>12583409
does that mean you read it? A JEEEZZ!!!
>>
met mama aya, cleansed, came back for air, wanted to read books. too stoned to read, haven't stopped smoking pot. trying to escape leafy clutches

forgive, oh riotous filthy shrub! taint me no further! release me from your sticky barbs!
will read
will read
will return
nothing sates now.
must read, must ferment.
You'll all be proud of me one day.

the women. they beckon. i must return to their warmth.
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>>12569875
Quit the weed, exercise and eat right, you'll be thinking clearer and mentally more capable of tackling abstract topics
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>>12569795
I think you lack reward for your deeds, and so you rely on repeating things you're familiar with just to get the same dose of pleasure and belonging you got earlier. It's easy to say you need to find yourself and find what gives you pleasure, and I don't really know how to help you with that even with an advice, I am not aware how your mental issues affect you, but still. You gotta find determinism in something that's in your reach. Find a shitty simple job for a while and do something you like in your free time, how about that?
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>>12577108
kek
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>>12583349
bong here. it is a fairly complex mess, the entire leave campaign was created to placate a sub-sect of conservative voters with the assumption that it would not pass (it technically wasn't even a legally binding vote). the prime minster immediately stepped down because of this unexpected result, and the main proponent of the leave campaign, Farage, who had spent the duration of the vote spouting objectively false statements, moved to the US.

the heads of the two main parties, Corbyn (remain) and May (leave) are actually speaking purely on behalf of their voters. corbyn is a known eurosceptic and may was a remain voter, so the populous is having to rely on figureheads that are showing only the most tepid attempts of political action.

all of the actual issues stopping brexit from moving ahead are border related, and the talking points of immigration and the NHS are only harmed by the proposed brexit deals, so even the leave voters are going to be left in a worse off position if this actually passes. nobody is happy, the EU is staunch in its position that the UK is making a mess of things and is trying not to budge on the deadline, but for the UK to retract its decision would be seen as a mockery of democracy.

it's all very stupid
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>>12569875
>>12584340
What he said. Also, don't worry about it. Just do your best job, take it slow, and try understanding everything. Perfect everything, at your own pace. And fear of incompetence will go away. It only appears in situations such as yours, when you expect something you've defined wrongly based on stupid presumptions and are left disappointed because of that.



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